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RE: a new POV - 3/27/2008 2:35:21 PM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline 		I count my entire life as my past history.

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(in reply to domahpet)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: a new POV - 3/27/2008 2:57:54 PM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: domahpet
my question was simple really, how much history can this sub have?
bdsm, or life, cant really be all that much. right? 3 to 5 years maybe?
i left home at 13, thats where i start, before that i was my parents *shrugs*


Life, well im 21 I would say I have a pretty full history, I could share it? .... No.... where's everyone going?
No seriously though I would say that I have had more happen in my life in the last 5 years than a lot of people I have spoken to who are 10 years older.

and to Lynnxz, okies thanks :D (sorry for being a bit thick)


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(in reply to domahpet)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: a new POV - 3/27/2008 3:05:12 PM   
derfrewop


Posts: 74
Joined: 5/10/2007
From: Vancouver
Status: offline 		Sorry you got dumped on from the experience crowd. So let this old timer give you a hint. Nobody will ever tell you everything about their past and you probably don't want them to. I assume you are wanting this information from your sub to help you deal with them better. But what if there were some magical rite that made them give you everything? What would there be left to learn and explore between you? Actually getting everything would be a death knell for the relationship. Haven't you seen the old folks who never talk to each other because there literally is nothing left to talk about?

The other thing to think about here. What if your partner is trying to protect you? The mind set of a sub is pretty unusual and that generally means that some unusual things have happened to them. What if it turns out his childhood was the type that makes headlines? Like ten years locked in a closet or pimped out for a pair of sneakers? Victims of molestation and rape abound within our little culture: are you strong enough, compassionate enough and yes cruel enough to absorb all of it and move past? Or it could be something else like, his folks made all their money from the grow op in the basement and there is a lifetime of not talking about it to overcome.

When your relationship has grown enough in trust and depth, your sub will open up and tell you. You need to not worry about when or how. Instead, worry every day about weather or not you are worthy to receive the big secret. If you do that, then one day you will be told.


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(in reply to StrawberryDream)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: a new POV - 3/27/2008 4:04:13 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Is there enough time, security, stability to be conducuve to sharing?  Are you truly open to listening?

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Profile   Post #: 24
RE: a new POV - 3/27/2008 8:43:31 PM   
ThundersCry


Posts: 892
Status: offline 		Sounds like an interegation scene is in...order.

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Profile   Post #: 25
RE: a new POV - 3/28/2008 1:22:55 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: StrawberryDream

I have a new submissive who isn't opening up about his past... what  does anyone recomend...?


I'd recommend keeping your nose out of a new partner's past.  It ain't your business if it's not affecting the present and if you think it is your business to know, you start by explaining exactly why that is.... 
 
Most people in a new relationship are looking to move forward in their lives....  Dragging up the past just because you think you're entitled sounds like a good way to end a relationship.  I'd recommend small steps - VERY SMALL steps...!
 
Focus.

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(in reply to StrawberryDream)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: a new POV - 3/28/2008 1:36:56 AM   
GiantSteps


Posts: 61
Joined: 3/23/2008
From: Nigh Philadelphia
Status: offline 		SD, let's try an indirect question - how neccessary is knowing his past fillintheblank to your relationship?

All depending on the relationship with your sub, there still are areas of your submissives life that can be none of your business. I'm assuming that this isn't a TPE situation, and you used the term sub instead of slave. We've got some pretty heavy hitters out here - some who get paid for Domination - and they wouldn't think that they were being dissed because their submissives didn't gaily pass over their bank account numbers or ex-wives/girlfriends phone numbers. There are operative limits to any D/s relationship, which is why there's a whole lot of discussion that goes on before the gimp suit comes out.

Perhaps you could expand on the situ a bit. What is the nature of the information the sub is withholding, and how does it figure into the parameters of your relationship?

(in reply to domahpet)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: a new POV - 3/29/2008 12:23:10 PM   
Thunderny


Posts: 9
Joined: 3/16/2005
Status: offline 		I had one sub that I hung up with leather restraints, started working with him with floggers, asking questions and was able after 20 min to open up to several things that happened to him in the past. It was  a  mind fuck. He got right into it and later told me he hadn't thought of those occurances in years. I got into his subzone. Time patience and lots of perserverance. It can be done.
Start with kneeling, talking, then slowly restraint, blindfold, and go for it.

(in reply to StrawberryDream)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: a new POV - 3/29/2008 1:42:34 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline 		Surely there's a big difference between something someone hasn't recalled in years compared to something they steadfastly refuse to discuss.... 
 
Substituting mind games and interrogation for what is clearly a trust issue (OP) would seem to me to be immaturity at best and likely "end game" for that relationship.
 
Focus.

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Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to Thunderny)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: a new POV - 3/29/2008 6:30:46 PM   
awakenednj


Posts: 657
Joined: 2/10/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: colouredin

when you are 18 you dont ness have lots to be open about, its unlikely you have a broken down marriage or kids or whatever, you still may have had issues, but you dont have as much time to have accumulated the baggage therefore it stands to reason you have less baggage

quote:


i wasnt dissin the young ones at all.
just asking a question. seriously do you know alot of teenagers
with bdsm history?


the Op didnt actually ask about BDSM history just their history though.

To the OP trust takes time, some people are more private than others, people will open up to you when they want to, you cant force it, just be yourself and wait it out.


By the time I was 18 I had more history than most of my friends still have... not D/s, but you can get a lot done in after school hours if you put your mind to it :)

To the OP- If your sub is hiding something he (she?) might just be afraid of how you'll react. If at some random point they noticed you reacting to a story that is similar to something he's hiding??? If you really want him to open up to you, you have to show him that you can handle WHATEVER he'll tell you and not run away because of it. At that point in my life I really only shared things with people who said in one way or another that 'whatever is past is past'.

If it's something he's ashamed of it's not going to come out quickly or easily. Try to take if forcefully and you might get it - but you also might hurt or lose your sub.

I wish you luck!

< Message edited by awakenednj -- 3/29/2008 6:35:15 PM >

(in reply to colouredin)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: a new POV - 3/30/2008 6:00:03 AM   
colouredin


Posts: 4279
Joined: 2/2/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: awakenednj
By the time I was 18 I had more history than most of my friends still have... not D/s, but you can get a lot done in after school hours if you put your mind to it :)


Which was kinda my point you can have lots of history but prob not so much D/s history and its a differant kind of history


_____________________________

Resident Lime(y) Tart
There would be no gossip without secrets
I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to awakenednj)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: a new POV - 3/30/2008 11:00:12 PM   
belovedluck


Posts: 4
Joined: 1/16/2008
Status: offline 		ok, so i realize i'm a submissive.. but i had a similar quandry with my Sir, but as a sub. if hes not opening up about his past i have to wonder .. whats he hiding that he can't tell his Domme? i feel i can tell mt Sir all about me, so it makes me wonder if you have gained his trust fully?

(in reply to domahpet)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: a new POV - 3/31/2008 4:19:51 PM   
Sageandaslave


Posts: 16
Joined: 1/13/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: StrawberryDream

I have a new submissive who isn't opening up about his past... what  does anyone recomend...?


I find that creating a foundation through trust and open communication allows the submissive to trust you, to be open with you.  Please forgive the analogy but I always take the approach of peeling back the layers of an onion.  Regardless, there may be a young vanilla history that needs nurturing.  Create a safe haven for the submissive, and all will be yours, remember submissives seek truth, they seek to be vulnerable with one who will give them structure and foundation.  Vulnerability is something that is to be unique to each individual.  Once you get them there, they will crave you, they will want to open up more and more, and little by little without the harshness of a push, you will get their devotion and respect.

As always,

Sage

< Message edited by Sageandaslave -- 3/31/2008 4:21:28 PM >

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(in reply to StrawberryDream)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: a new POV - 3/31/2008 6:06:21 PM   
SocialPerversion


Posts: 28
Joined: 3/21/2008
From: Northern Nevada
Status: offline 		OP: My suggestion would be to first work on the relationship. After trust and respect has been built they will more then likely open up to you.

Remember that if someone doesn't tell you some things about their past it may not be a sign of disrespect, some things are just left better buried and dead.

~~conquer4love~~

< Message edited by SocialPerversion -- 3/31/2008 6:09:31 PM >

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(in reply to StrawberryDream)
Profile   Post #: 34
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