Luciferica
Posts: 231
Joined: 3/18/2008
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This is a repost from one of the BDSM message boards I'm a member of, but it's good enough it should be here:
EMPOWERMENT: Whether you are a Top or Bottom,
you need to be able to say to yourself & always realize that-
I AM A WORTHWHILE PERSON.
I DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT.
I CAN DECIDE FOR MYSELF WHAT IS BEST FOR ME.
I AM NOT ALONE. I CAN ASK OTHERS TO HELP ME.
I AM NOT THE CAUSE OF ANOTHER PERSON'S BEHAVIOR.
SUGGESTIONS IF YOU'RE NEW TO THE COMMUNITY:
PRIVACY & PERSONAL SAFETY: Go slow & get to know a group one person at a time. You never know whose listening or what their real intent is. Down the road if you have a 'falling out' with someone you don't want them to have any private information which they could use against you.
USE A SCENE NAME. It could be your middle name, nickname, internet “handle” or any other name out there you would like to be called. Sometimes a scene name indicates whether you are top or bottom ie… Sir Noble, Master Savage or subbie-girl.
Then, KEEP ALL YOUR SCENE MATTERS SEPARATE from personal accounts on your computer by Getting A Yahoo Or Hotmail Email Account using that new scene name,.
KEEP YOUR PRIVATE MATTERS & INFO TO YOURSELF:
ie… your real name, address, phone #, your job, where you work or anything about your family.
START WITH A LOCAL MUNCH. What is a Munch?
A MUNCH is a Discrete, Informal, Meeting at a Safe Public Place, (usually a restaurant). It is for people who just happen to Share a similar Interest, in BDSM & other Alternate Lifestyles.
We get together in a NON-threatening manner and get to know one another. We have a few laughs, discuss whatever topics might come up, and in general just have a good time. It’s a great place to start Meeting people in your local Kinky Community, share ideas, and give & get Support from people who actually Understand! Very Friendly, Very Casual! ;)
Some of them have Optional "Play Parties" afterwards. There should be no pressure to actually play. You can just visit with people further or enjoy watching some of the action.
What kind of action? All kinds of kinky things go on. It depends on the Rules of the House. Most don't allow actual intercourse, but a few do. There will probably be lots of kneeling, crawling, pinching, clamping, bondage & spanking. In some cases there is probing & pricking too among other things.
There are plenty of people around so Safety shouldn't be so much of an issue.
BEFORE MEETING SOMEONE FOR THE FIRST TIME:
LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCTS!
If they seem crazy they probably are, think twice!
USE COMMON SENSE! Think with your head, not your emotions.
Be realistic. Keep your wits about you & AVOID TAKING ANY UNNECESSARY RISKS.
GET TO KNOW THEM! Take lots of TIME to Ask lots of QUESTIONS!
Don’t be afraid to ask. If they are unwilling to answer, Beware!
Listen for any suspicious answers or excuses.
WATCH FOR LACK OF KNOWLEDGE or EXPERIENCE on the subject. If they don’t know much about BDSM, even if they mean well, they MAY ACCIDENTALLY HURT YOU (in a Bad way) because they don’t know any better! Don’t be their guinea pig! Let them learn at the Club or Play Party where they can be Monitored & Mentored.
Also, it is a sign that this May Be JUST A WAY OF GETTING YOU ALONE OR GETTING YOU INTO THEIR BED. There are many creeps online, who have figured out that presenting themselves as a Top, is a quick, easy doorway to getting a lot of attention from women who are eager to fulfill their fantasies & desires.
WATCH FOR LACK OF RESPECT, CARE OR CONCERN!
A GOOD TOP TAKES CARE OF HIS “TOYS” & Wants them to be safe! If they seem to Not Respect Your Health, Safety Or Limits or if they TRY TO PRESSURE, RUSH, OR BULLY you Verbally, Mentally Or Physically then STAY AWAY! If they GET ANGRY at your cautiousness or questions, too bad! Better to have them angry, than you battered, raped or dead!
DON’T BE BULLIED, RUSHED OR PRESSURED. DON’T FALL FOR EXCUSES, LIES OR B.S.!
BE CAREFUL of the EGO RESUME, ie. "I've been doing this for 10 years, I know what I'm doing". Maybe they have, but they are not respecting your need for safety! Your personal needs may not be the same as everyone else's.
ASK FOR REFERENCES! & ACTUALLY CHECK THEM OUT!
Some people will figure you won’t actually call & give you a fake number. If they can't give you any, beware!
ACTUALLY MEETING SOMEONE FOR THE FIRST TIME:
On the FIRST TIME: ALWAYS MEET IN PUBLIC & STAY IN PUBLIC.
If possible, meet at a Local Munch, Play Party, BDSM Event or Club. Otherwise, meet in a WELL POPULATED PUBLIC AREA like a restaurant or coffee shop, NEVER Anywhere Secluded like a park or parking lot. STAY IN PUBLIC. Do not go anywhere private on the 1st meeting. Meet them there Several times until you completely trust them. GO SLOW! Do not be afraid to call a halt, if you are uncomfortable in any way.
HAVE HIM COME TO YOUR TERRITORY FIRST, if a male player wants to meet you! Once you get on the plane & you're far from all you resources you are completely vulnerable to what may happen.
HAVE A 'SAFE PERSON'.
A Safe Person is someone you trust to be reliable in a crisis. It is best if it is a friend from the scene or at least knows about the Lifestyle. If you don’t want tell someone about your kink, just tell them it is a Blind Date from the internet or something.
A] GIVE THE SAFE PERSON AS MUCH INFORMATION AS POSSIBLE: at least His Name, Address & Phone Number – VERIFY IT by directly reading it off his driver’s license BEFORE leaving the safety of a public place.
Then add: CAR TAGS, descriptions etc. Verify the address when you get there.
B] HAVE A SAFE CALL. Tell the safe person that you WILL be calling them at regular intervals & when you are safely home. If they do not receive the call, have them call you or even drop in to wherever you are meeting. Make it clear to your friend that if you do not call & do not answer when they call, that you Really Do WANT Them To CALL THE POLICE IMMEDIATELY and explain that you asked them to do so. If there is some mistake, the police will no doubt give you a hard time but it is much better than the alternative of not getting help. Always have a safe call, even if you are meeting this person locally. If they tell you don't need one, then RUN! ... because they have something more up their sleeve.
C] HAVE A pre-determined SECRET WORD or phrase that Signals that they need to Call The Police!
This may be one of those overkill measures. You are unlikely to need it. However, simply having it in place is a great deterrent and it gives you the confidence to deal with things if difficulty arises. After all, what kind of an idiot would try anything non-consensual, if you warn them a friend will pass their details to the police, if you are not heard from soon?
D] Also, you can HAVE A PRE-EXISTING EXCUSE TO LEAVE, in case you do not get along.
Tell the new prospect at the beginning of the evening, that you have to visit a relative later, or check in on a friend. If things are going wonderfully, you can always appear to make a quick phone call to cancel.
DO NOT PLAY OR GO ANYWHERE PRIVATE THE FIRST TIME!!
If it's your first meeting TAKE IT SLOW. You can always do more next time, YOU CAN NEVER GO BACK & DO LESS!
BEFORE PLAYING WITH SOMEONE FOR THE FIRST TIME:
1. KNOW & SHARE YOUR DESIRES & FANTASIES Along With YOUR LIMITS, CONCERNS & HEALTH ISSUES!
TOPS ARE NOT MINDREADERS! Do not fall for the myth “If they are a true Top, then they’ll just Know what to do!” Every person is different! What may make one girl Melt may send you to Therapy!
So, WRITE IT OUT: what you WANT & ENJOY along with your LIMITS, CONCERNS & HEALTH ISSUES in an email, letter or story. It may be a little uncomfortable or embarrassing, but it is not as uncomfortable as Tears, Hysteria, Scars & Therapy.
Tops, INSIST ON COMMUNICATION in order to learn a bottom's needs!
2. NEGOTIATE ALL LIMITS & BOUNDARIES BEFOREHAND!
Also, make sure in any agreement, it's clear the action will stop when either player uses safe words or safe signals. Save all this information. Be sure to MENTION ALL Mental, Physical, or Emotional, HEALTH CONDITIONS, limitations, problems or concerns.
3. HAVE SAFE WORDS/signals.
In most places the word 'YELLOW' means slow down,
'RED' means stop.
Putting your hand on a top’s ankle means you hitting too hard & to lighten up. Other people have different words.
ACTUALLY PLAYING WITH SOMEONE FOR THE FIRST TIME:
On the 1st time, try to PLAY IN PUBLIC At A Local Bdsm Club, Event Or Play Party, preferably with someone you trust watching, who knows you & your Limits.
If you can’t play in public, DO NOT GO BACK TO YOUR PLACE, especially on a first meeting, try to avoid it. Getting up and leaving is generally much easier than trying to kick out someone who does not want to go. It also means that they do not know where you live & can not just turn up on your doorstep at some other time.
DO NOT LET THEM DRIVE YOU ANYWHERE.
If you are moving on to somewhere more private, you drive yourself. That way you know if they really are going to where you both arranged to go. Verify the Address on the mailbox & relay it to your Safe Call. If they change locations on you, or there is anything you are uncomfortable about, Drive Away.
If you don’t have a car, Take A Taxi, rather than letting them drive. That way, there will be a witness to where you were taken, they can help verify the address, & At the very least, you know they will let you out when you want.
USE A HOTEL
Rather than moving on, if you have met in a hotel lobby, why not use one of the hotel's rooms? Certainly you will have to be a little quieter and you will not have the opportunity to set it up with all of your favourite toys, but it does leave you somewhere you can always shout loudly for help if you need it.
ACTUALLY USE YOUR SAFE WORDS. DON'T BE TOO SHY TO USE THEM. Don’t worry about ‘Impressing the Top’ at the expense of your happiness. If in doubt, use YELLOW (since it just slows things down, there is no reason to worry about disappointing a Top.) Either Tops or bottoms may want to call a halt to the action. Even when the words (or signals) are negotiated it's wise for a Top to be aware that a new bottom often hesitates to use them. They may be too anxious, shocked or deep in subspace, to communicate clearly. Until you're sure they will use safe words & signals, read body language & pay attention. If a Top says you don’t need safe words, this is a BIG RED FLAG!!!, Don't play with that person.
LIMIT BONDAGE!
Until you have played with them a few times & COMPLETELY TRUST THEM to respect Safewords & Limits, it is worth limiting how much bondage play you use. After all, in an emergency, you want to be able to get up and run!
This does not mean you can not use bondage, just keep it lighter. Cuffs you can quickly let yourself out of let you play with the image but leave you able to get free. Ankle cuffs and spreader bars are less of an issue as, so long as you have your hands free, you can always free your ankles yourself - just DO NOT LET THEM LOCK YOU IN TO ANYTHING.
Try Using MENTAL BONDAGE, SYMBOLIC BONDAGE, & perhaps even BLINDFOLDS, instead. They can all add incredible levels of intensity without ever actually making it impossible to leave.
NO GAGS!
One, because if they try to abduct you, then you are HELPLESS TO CALL OUT FOR HELP. Two, because even if they are a well-meaning Top, YOU NEED TO BE ABLE TO COMMUNICATE & USE SAFEWORDS. Until they have played with you a few times & gotten to know your Limits & Desires, Only use Mental Gags & Voice Restrictions.
RED FLAGS! WHAT TO WATCH OUT FOR!
IF THEY TELL YOU DON'T NEED SAFE WORDS, SAFE CALLS or LIMITS, then RUN! ... They have something more up their sleeve. BIG RED FLAG!
WATCH FOR LACK OF RESPECT, CARE OR CONCERN for your well being!
If they DO NOT RESPECT your Health, Safety Or Limits in any way.
If they try to PRESSURE, RUSH, or BULLY you Verbally, Mentally Or Physically.
If they GET ANGRY or Annoyed at your cautiousness or questions. Beware!
If they are UNWILLING TO ANSWER QUESTIONS or give suspicious answers or excuses. THESE ARE BIG RED FLAGS!
If a male players REFUSE TO GIVE their REAL INFO, SHOW their DRIVER’S LICENSE or REFUSE to COME TO YOUR TERRITORY FIRST.
If they HAVE NO REFERENCES.
If they EXPRESS ANGER, FEAR, RESENTMENT or any other negative emotions ABOUT YOU TALKING TO OTHERS, then you have warning that something is fishy.
If they seem to Have A LACK OF KNOWLEDGE on the subject. It may mean this is just A WAY OF GETTING YOU ALONE OR GETTING YOU INTO THEIR BED. Also, they MAY ACCIDENTALLY HURT YOU because they don’t know what they are doing!
If they INSIST ON SEX. 'Do they ever play non-sexually?'.
If there's a PICTURE OF THEIR GENITALS, BUT NOT THEIR FACE in their profile
If your potential partner SAYS ANY OF THE FOLLOWING, RUN!:
• I DON'T WANT YOU TO TALK TO ANYONE ELSE ABOUT ME
• YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO ASK OTHER PEOPLE ABOUT ME
• IF I find out YOU TALKED TO OTHERS ABOUT ME, I'LL NEVER have anything to do WITH YOU AGAIN
• YOU SHOULD ONLY TRUST WHAT I TELL YOU & NOT LISTEN TO ANYONE ELSE
• YES, WHAT THEY TOLD YOU WAS TRUE, BUT I AM A DIFFERENT PERSON NOW
• EVERYTHING PEOPLE HAVE TOLD YOU ABOUT ME IS A LIE.
Hope this helps every one STAY SAFE! :)
For more INFO go to:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/WHIMPER/
< Message edited by Luciferica -- 4/7/2008 10:51:07 AM >
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