withdrawing affection

withdrawing affection (Full Version)

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ThistleDown -> withdrawing affection (4/11/2008 7:03:39 PM)
If you and your sub had a really emotionally charged disagreement (not a fight) and your sub suggested putting the D/s aspect aside for a while, would you (Masters/Doms/Tops) feel as though she were withdrawing her affection or love? The reason I ask, is because we have had such a disagreement and I suggested putting the D/s on hold for a bit so we could kinda try to work on things and just.. be.. together.. for a while. It seemed to make sense at the time (yesterday morning) but now I feel kinda.. deprived. I feel like I'm missing something really important and we've established that I submit out of love so if I've chosen not to submit anymore (but only temporarily) does that mean I've withdrawn the love too? I mean, my feelings haven't changed, but as far as actions go, would anyone else consider that withdrawing? I'll be asking him later tonight when we talk. (Sorry for all the ambiguous pronouns, I'm not sure if I should call him Master or Dom or boyfriend or by his name.. or what right now) And one other thing, we're not upset anymore (unless he's hiding something from me, but I can't imagine he is), but we still havent solved the problem yet. If my reason for putting the D/s on hold was to work on this problem, is it ok to change my mind and ask for it back before the problem has been dealt with? Thanks everyone in advance ~puppy

KnightofMists -> RE: withdrawing affection (4/11/2008 8:17:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ThistleDown And one other thing, we're not upset anymore (unless he's hiding something from me, but I can't imagine he is), but we still havent solved the problem yet. If my reason for putting the D/s on hold was to work on this problem, is it ok to change my mind and ask for it back before the problem has been dealt with? Soooooooo... what your post communicates to me is that you are not actually committed in having a D/s relationship. I question why you even want it in the first place. Maybe it's a cool thing to do... when it's easy... but when it gets to hard... lets quit. Maybe you should actually decide what you want in a relationship and if your willing to do what it takes to have that. I don't say that you should run before you learn to walk... but decide that you want to run.. then carefully and slowly take the steps forward to that goal. I believe it is very bad habit to stop everything because of a bump in the road. Yeah.. ask it for it back.... but I wonder... when do you decide to quit again... are you going to play Yo-Yo? It is a huge mistake to play yo-yo with this sort of thing...

DesFIP -> RE: withdrawing affection (4/11/2008 8:24:45 PM)
It sounds as though you needed to talk as equals until the emotions had calmed down, not until the problem was solved. If so, then go tell him this. With the proviso that you still can't give him control in this area. BTW when we get to an impasse, we go consult an expert. For a legal problem, call the lawyer. Financial, an accountant. Emotional, therapist. He decided a couple of years ago that he could solve the problem of my driveway washing out once and for all. He can't and after trying all kinds of stuff is willing to admit it. So we're back to calling an excavator and having The Man run his ideas by the excavator. Me, I'm still regretting not buying a used Kabota a couple of years ago when I had the chance. Wouldn't have solved the problem, but would make repairing it so much easier.

CalifChick -> RE: withdrawing affection (4/11/2008 8:33:28 PM)
I'm having a hard time understanding how you can set aside d/s; for me it would be like setting aside love until you can fix something (meaning I couldn't do that). Wouldn't it be more productive to agree to speak freely on this one subject until it is resolved? Cali

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: withdrawing affection (4/11/2008 8:47:26 PM)
Along with what others have said, why did you feel the need to stop the authority dynamic to begin with? To me, that would be the first place I'd check on if I were thinking of getting back into it.

Daddyslilpookie -> RE: withdrawing affection (4/11/2008 8:49:56 PM)
Yeah, I agree CalifChick, I wouldn't want to put aside D/s, I would not be a happy camper[:'(]. I would communicte with her about it if I were you.

ThistleDown -> RE: withdrawing affection (4/11/2008 9:42:38 PM)
I think I've learned a really valuable lesson with this and I appreciate everyones responses. KnightofMists~ I found your post a bit harsh. I'd already recognized I'd made a mistake but I wanted to know if it was a universal kind of mistake or a personal in-my-relationship mistake. I suppose I should have clarified that. I think you went a little far with the assumption though. I've been through many extremely difficult situations with my master, but this one nearly ended the relationship. I thought we should focus on the foundation of our relationship (that being that we love eachother) and somehow that translated into stopping D/s for a time. To me, it wasn't "quitting when it gets tough" it was simplifying things so we could focus better but I see your point and I appreciate your reply. I will remember that you saw it that way if I'm ever tempted to do it again, I think it will help me keep things in perspective. I would like to point out, though, that when you're learning to run, you might not get it right the first time no matter how careful you are. We'll be working on that walking part a little more now. ~puppy To everyone~ Anyway, it made sense when I asked for it and Master agreed so I thought it was ok for a time, but earlier today I felt very bothered by it and I've asked him about it. We've agreed that the next time there is a problem I won't stop submitting, we'll just focus more on the fixing the problem than protocol. (In otherwords, we've decided that in the future we'll go with Cali's suggestion). It's been suggested to me in the past on many occassions to put D/s aside and focus on the romantic side of our relationship when there have been problems. It never made sense to me but this time, for some reason, it came to mind and I was once again met with the suggestion from other people. Mostly people who don't consider D/s a way of life but an activity you choose to do at certain times (mainly when things are going well) and I'm discovering that a few of my contacts in the community aren't actually in the community, they just like having rough sex and D/s/bdsm is a tool they use to get what they want. But it's not just from those people that I keep meeting the idea that by being submissive I'm letting him walk all over me and somehow, that by being dominant, Master is automatically abusive even if I "claim" to want it ("my submissive side is working against me and I must fight it" is the basic idea). Can anyone tell me why I seem to have had so many responses like that and now that I've done it, I'm getting a resounding "that was a mistake"? Have other people received these kinds of suggestions? As a less experienced person, how did you weed out the less than helpful "helpful tips"? (Especially when they seem to make sense at first?)

SirMIkeSD -> RE: withdrawing affection (4/11/2008 9:54:53 PM)
We have a time out were we can talk as equals if needed. But suspending the D/s beyond that would not work for me. I have my boy's for a reason. If they wanted a non D/s relationship they can look else where. Mike

xxblushesxx -> RE: withdrawing affection (4/11/2008 9:57:06 PM)
Those other people scared me away, and since I am of course, so so true, I did not admit that yes, there was a week or so when I said, yanno...let's just 'be' for a while. He wasn't thrilled, but He didn't want to throw me away because of it. At that particular point, if He had lifted a flogger to me, or attempted some of the usual games, I knew in my heart that it would not go well. And I was able to look at Him, and tell Him that for some reason, I'm really just not feeling it right now. Our relationship is more important than whether He flogs me, and whether I always submit to His will or not. And sometimes...we forget who we are...outside of those roles, and maybe...for some it's important to reconnect with that part of yourself...Idk... But honestly, I think you were honest with yourself and with him. As far as taking advice, listen to what is said and weigh it in your heart. If it resonates with you, you will feel it. If not, feel free to thank the person very much for their advice, and say nice things like 'hmm...that makes sense' and 'gosh, I never looked at it like that before'. It makes the person who is giving the advice feel good, and you don't have to take the advice, just appreciate it. (yes, I know you're going to read this and say "hmmm....that makes sense' and 'gosh, I never looked at it like that before'. at least that's what I would do!) lol

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: withdrawing affection (4/11/2008 10:09:01 PM)
You don't use a tip unless you really feel it resonates for you. And even if you did make a mistake, who cares? You fix it and move on.

MasterWilliam55 -> RE: withdrawing affection (4/11/2008 10:41:07 PM)
Like the tide, relationships often go through an ebb and flow of emotions and needs. I'm going through such a phase myself where I need to put some aspects of my relationship on hold, and take a deep breath. It's not neccessarily the relationship as a whole that's on hold, but rather an aspect of our interests in extreem play That I've suspended while I re-think my priorities. Every now and then, each person should stand back and look closely at themselves. As xxblushesxx says, it's easy to "forget who we are" and get lost in the drama and experiences of our D/s or M/s relationships. I don't see this as neccessarily withdrawing love and affection. Hopefully my relationships are made up of more than our shared interest in M/s dynamics.

SailingBum -> RE: withdrawing affection (4/11/2008 10:52:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ThistleDown If you and your sub had a really emotionally charged disagreement (not a fight) and your sub suggested putting the D/s aspect aside for a while, would you (Masters/Doms/Tops) feel as though she were withdrawing her affection or love? The reason I ask, is because we have had such a disagreement and I suggested putting the D/s on hold for a bit so we could kinda try to work on things and just.. be.. together.. for a while. It seemed to make sense at the time (yesterday morning) but now I feel kinda.. deprived. I feel like I'm missing something really important and we've established that I submit out of love so if I've chosen not to submit anymore (but only temporarily) does that mean I've withdrawn the love too? I mean, my feelings haven't changed, but as far as actions go, would anyone else consider that withdrawing? ~puppy Seems pretty childish to me. You have upset / pissed me off... I'm taking my marbles and going home. Grow up BadOne

ThistleDown -> RE: withdrawing affection (4/11/2008 11:54:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SailingBum Seems pretty childish to me. You have upset / pissed me off... I'm taking my marbles and going home. Grow up BadOne I have agreed or seen the sense in everyone's replies so far, but I must disagree with you on this one. You only highlighted part of what I said which says to me that you are taking it out of context. I didn't just stop the D/s dynamic, I suggested it and did so in agreement with my Master, I stopped it for a reason, for a limited amount of time and I certainly didn't go anywhere. The question, actually, wasn't "have I made a mistake?" or "did I behave inapropriately?" it was "would that behavior feel like a withdrawal of affection to you?" Normally I would follow blushes advice and politely thank you for your reply but since you haven't answered the question and you've also done so in an insulting manor, I politely request that you do not make any further comments. and for those of you who would suggest I just ignore it, consider this a practice in assertion. Gotta do it at some point, might as well be now. edited for accuracy and length

RavenMuse -> RE: withdrawing affection (4/12/2008 5:02:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KnightofMists what your post communicates to me is that you are not actually committed in having a D/s relationship. I question why you even want it in the first place. Maybe it's a cool thing to do... when it's easy... but when it gets to hard... lets quit. Thats how I read it also, but then it could simply be a difference between the lifestyle perspective and a lower level Dynamic. Any problems in My household are dealt with within the Dynamic, there is no 'vanilla' part and M/s part, they are one and the same. the OP says her feelings haven't changed.... From My perspective either they have as she stopped submitting... or the haven't because she never submitted in the first place. But again thats because I view things as a lifestyler.... maybe they 'need' a different format of Dynamic? If My girl wanted to step away from the Dynamic she has that option, it is called begging for release, is the one 'ask' that I would never refuse and it marks an end to the relationship! As KoM said, the OP and her partner need to decide what they want and commit to it.

antipode -> RE: withdrawing affection (4/12/2008 9:14:17 AM)
This has absolutely nothing to do with D/s, it is an ordinary relationship question. The sooner you put things in the correct framework, the sooner you will understand yourself. And from what I read in your question, you don't have a D/s relationship, you have veneer.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: withdrawing affection (4/12/2008 9:26:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RavenMuse between the lifestyle perspective and a lower level Dynamic. Lower level eh? Now is that an opinion or being judgmental?

RavenMuse -> RE: withdrawing affection (4/12/2008 9:49:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross Lower level eh? Now is that an opinion or being judgmental? if you want to see "lower level' as a value judgement thats your problem. It can also be reffering to the level of power exchange in the relationship, which of course you couldn't get on your high horse about if you assumed I ment that!

xxblushesxx -> RE: withdrawing affection (4/12/2008 9:50:41 AM)
I was wondering the same thing LA. But since apparently, my relationship is lower level, I didn't want to debate it. I guess you're not a twue slave unless you're always 'head down, ass up', and never need time for yourself. Who knew?

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: withdrawing affection (4/12/2008 10:07:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: RavenMuse if you want to see "lower level' as a value judgement thats your problem. It can also be reffering to the level of power exchange in the relationship, which of course you couldn't get on your high horse about if you assumed I ment that! So is "thats your problem" and "get on your high horse" an opinion, or being judgemental?

RavenMuse -> RE: withdrawing affection (4/12/2008 10:20:55 AM)
How about "I've pointed out the context and if you still have your head up your ass about it.... frankly I couldn't care less"... thats more a statement of fact rather than opinion or judgement[;)]

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