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ididabadbadthing -> What's a switch to do? (4/13/2008 11:22:25 AM)
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Among the many things I'm trying to understand is the role of the switch in bdsm. (Obviously, I have a personal interest here). Some have commented that the switch in the bdsm world occupies a space similar to that of the bisexual in the gay and lesbian world. If you're thoroughly dominant, or thoroughly submissive, a switch may seem like nothing but potential trouble. The switch may be satisfied to take one role with you for awhile - but what happens when the switch flips? Do you take on a role you don't want? Does the switch leave you, cheat on you, insist that your relationship go poly? What are the possible answers to this conundrum (in no particular order):
(1) Switches are just confused or - a term I learned her and really like - "vanilla twists". They're not really dominant or submissive, they just like to switch it up from time to time - but deep down they're vanilla. Or, in another version of this view, each switch is really naturally submissive or dominant, and just hasn't figured it out.
(2) Everyone is really a switch at heart, they just don't know it yet. This is the opposite of the previous view, and of course it's a very flattering view if you're a switch. You do find a bit of this view among non-switches; some believe that to be a good dominant you first have to have experience as a sub, if only in an initial training period.
(3) Switches really are a distinct group, and switches should probably pair off with switches. That's the difference, after all, between being a switch and being a bisexual - you're not limited by gender dimorphism. You're more like the characters in Ursula Le Guin's novel, The Left Hand of Darkness, who can assume either gender at will. The problem is that, at any given time, both switches may want to be dominant or submissive. I've had the experience of being almost wholly dominant for an extended period of time, as well as being almost wholly submissive for an extended period of time, as well as times when I don't know which way I'll wake up in the morning. This may create real problems of synchronicity for switch couples. At the very least, the negotiation will be intense, and at worst there may be long periods of irreconcilable desires.
(4) So maybe the answer is to simply stop pairing off? Perhaps each switch should procure his/her own copy of "The Ethical Slut" and participate in extended networks of other polyamorous pervs. My experience of polys, though, is that it's much harder to apply "The Ethical Slut" in practice than it is on the page. Jealousy doesn't go away, some people may really want to have an exclusive partner and go along with poly in order not to be alone, integrating new people is always intense, etc.
(5) So if orthodox polyamory is an unstable marriage of sluttery and the conventional norms of paired couples, perhaps the solution is unethical sluttery? I don't mean cheating here - I mean anonymous sex - the sort of no-holds-barred sexual liberation that had a certain hold in the gay community before the AIDS crisis. If it was good enough for Michel Foucault, after all....
So, you can see I don't have any answers. Every answer just raises more questions. Feel free to throw in your $.02!
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