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Your Experience & Disclosing It.. - 4/14/2008 4:25:43 PM

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Ladies, (And Gentlemen that answer this)

Fire play? Needle play? Breath play? Mummification?
I am not talking about never doing it, but only having experienced it once, would you tell your sub that you had more experience than you actually do? How important is it to you to be honest about how much experience you have, with your new sub/slave?

Subs/slaves, would you want your new Dominant to disclose how much experience they have had with such play? How important is it to you to know? Would it matter, or would you just be so excited to have a new Dominant that wants to own you that you would throw caution to the wind?

I hoope this makes sense, at least it dow in my head lol

MoGa

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RE: Your Experience & Disclosing It.. - 4/14/2008 4:30:58 PM

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Hmm... I can't imagine not be completely honest about my experience in things like that.. its kind of dangerous to not be clear about it... in just about everything I do...

I have found submissives who say they have experience in things and then delving a little deeper I find out its ONE experience. I don't know the exact definition of 'experience' but 'tried it once' isn't it.

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RE: Your Experience & Disclosing It.. - 4/14/2008 4:35:15 PM

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I'd like to know honestly how much experience they have. I used clingfilm with a couple who were very unsure what to do, but, they asked, I explained and talked them through it sort of, and fun was had by all. Just cos you say "hum, i'm not sure" doesn't mean you won't get guidence from the one you're playing with.

That said, if I've also got little/no experience, or it's not something I'm that confident with, I'm not going to be that happy doing that, with you, without some help and guidence.

This idea that the "dom/me should know everything is really unhelpful for everyone. IMO.

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RE: Your Experience & Disclosing It.. - 4/14/2008 4:37:34 PM

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quote:

I don't know the exact definition of 'experience' but 'tried it once' isn't it.

I agree completely. I think that is why I stressed the experience as one time. I have actually met a Domina who after watching a video or reading about how to use a flogger, say that she is an old hands (no pun intended) at it. This same woman also claimed to know about wax play. Her naive sub never knew it was her first time. Can anyone say a disaster waiting to happen?

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RE: Your Experience & Disclosing It.. - 4/14/2008 4:41:22 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: IvyMorgan

I'd like to know honestly how much experience they have. I used clingfilm with a couple who were very unsure what to do, but, they asked, I explained and talked them through it sort of, and fun was had by all. Just cos you say "hum, i'm not sure" doesn't mean you won't get guidence from the one you're playing with.

That said, if I've also got little/no experience, or it's not something I'm that confident with, I'm not going to be that happy doing that, with you, without some help and guidence.

This idea that the "dom/me should know everything is really unhelpful for everyone. IMO.

I think it is fun to share a first time experience with my sub. We are both aware that neither of us know what we are doing lol makes for very fun and interesting play. We won't talk about my first mummification with him...needless to say, I am happy to report he lived through it!

MoGa

< Message edited by MistressOfGa -- 4/14/2008 4:48:18 PM >

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RE: Your Experience & Disclosing It.. - 4/14/2008 4:50:21 PM

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i'm not sure how much it would matter. some people will kill my worries with their confidence and attitude, some people could prove their capabilities to me a hundred times but they might rub me the wrong way and scare me away from them.

i guess i really don't mind the thought of them never having done anything and me being a guinea pig, but i'm still going to try and teach myself the jist of any practices i'll be involved with anyway. that way i know what to expect and don't have to depend on someone else's assurances.

the problem i have with that is sometimes i get to be a bit annoying after i do a bit of learning on my own, and i start acting like i have loads of experience by questioning someone's every move and double checking and second guessing to make sure they know certain things, if they seem insulted by my quips i'll assume they don't want me questioning their experience for a reason; yet if they just try to settle my uneasiness i'll assume they think i'm just worrying too much. i still have a bit of trouble letting go and relaxing enough to trust someone about something i don't have a high comfort level with. sort of a habit of me trying to teach others rather than just keeping an eye out for problematic situations. it's a good sign of my paranoia kicking in at least, but most of anything comes down to trust. i pretty much expect people will exagerrate their experience any time i would dare to question it, depending on their tone i might suspect something or not, but yeah... trust. =p

< Message edited by hopelesslyInvo -- 4/14/2008 5:06:37 PM >

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RE: Your Experience & Disclosing It.. - 4/14/2008 4:51:35 PM

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Sharing first times, I've limited experience with that. I'm just wary of both parties walking "blind" into a "could cause me harm" scenario, I don't think I want that. And there are some things that freak me out so much I don't want the dom to be at the bottom of the learning curve. It's a personal preference thing, I guess.

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RE: Your Experience & Disclosing It.. - 4/14/2008 5:03:02 PM

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This might sound odd but in the initial stages of getting to know a potential, I tell them very little about myself in terms of activities. Why? Because I have seen repeatedly that some people, often not consciously, adjust their own likes, dislikes, desires, and limits based on what the potential top's are. So until I am sure we've gone through the initial negotiations and I've gotten as honest and full an idea from the potential bottom/sub as possible, I don't share that information about myself.

I do share how many years I've been active in the community, how many groups I've been in and what role I played in each (if any), and of course I talk about my husband and my slave. My specific activities and level of experience I prefer to leave vague.

Once I feel it is wise to share that information then I am 100% honest about my likes, dislikes, desires, limits, and degree of experience.

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RE: Your Experience & Disclosing It.. - 4/14/2008 5:05:58 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa
Fire play? Needle play? Breath play? Mummification?
I am not talking about never doing it, but only having experienced it once, would you tell your sub that you had more experience than you actually do?

DEAR GOD NO.

Sorry. The very idea of lying about edgeplay experience is...shuddersome. Of the things listed only mummification is something I would attempt without direct supervision and mentorship from a more experienced top, preferably in a nice safe clean public dungeon with handy dandy kinkster EMT's on hand...

...and even then, I would not do a complete-cover.

The damage an inexperienced player could do with some of these games...up to and including fatality...is awful to contemplate. Hell, you can cause serious injury with a flogger if you don't know the proper striking zones. You can mutilate someone for life with a badly handled whip.

And I would put suspension and some other forms of medical play on the list of "potentially lethal"...or at least disfiguring.

Sorry. At the end of the day, I guess I'm a big chicken. Even when I'm feeling RACK-ish, you can't be "risk aware" if you have no bloody idea what you're doing.

quote:

How important is it to you to be honest about how much experience you have, with your new sub/slave?

Crucial and indispensable. I cannot ask people to trust me if I'm not trustworthy. Lying is RFO--right freakin out.

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RE: Your Experience & Disclosing It.. - 4/14/2008 5:09:37 PM

MySweetSubmssive

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Particularly when it comes to safety (for instance, breath play), I strongly believe in full-disclosure. Because of my health care background and having conversations about my level of professional experience with clients, it feels unethical not to disclose. I'm asking someone to do something risky and to trust me. So that they can make an informed decision -- and frankly, to increase their level of trust and submission -- I need to tell them. It's possible that at the beginning I felt awkward about my lack of experience, but I did not inflate what I had done.

I have an activity that I would like to do, but have never done. As a conversation unfolds about that thing, I do say that I've never done it before.

When it comes to something that is relatively low risk -- being tied up for short periods of time, being spanked -- I will tell someone my experience level if I am asked.

I do not tell everyone everything I have done. Some of it would be a little freaky for a new person and they aren't interested and don't need to know.

MSS

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RE: Your Experience & Disclosing It.. - 4/14/2008 5:14:40 PM

MySweetSubmssive

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ShaktiSama

Sorry. At the end of the day, I guess I'm a big chicken. Even when I'm feeling RACK-ish, you can't be "risk aware" if you have no bloody idea what you're doing.

Doesn't risk-aware mean for *both* participants? Not disclosing prevents awareness. You aren't chicken. You're sane. And covering your ass to boot.

RACK-ish ... cute! ; )

MSS

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RE: Your Experience & Disclosing It.. - 4/14/2008 5:15:39 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ShaktiSama

quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa
Fire play? Needle play? Breath play? Mummification?
I am not talking about never doing it, but only having experienced it once, would you tell your sub that you had more experience than you actually do?

DEAR GOD NO.

Sorry. The very idea of lying about edgeplay experience is...shuddersome. Of the things listed only mummification is something I would attempt without direct supervision and mentorship from a more experienced top, preferably in a nice safe clean public dungeon with handy dandy kinkster EMT's on hand...

...and even then, I would not do a complete-cover.

The damage an inexperienced player could do with some of these games...up to and including fatality...is awful to contemplate. Hell, you can cause serious injury with a flogger if you don't know the proper striking zones. You can mutilate someone for life with a badly handled whip.

And I would put suspension and some other forms of medical play on the list of "potentially lethal"...or at least disfiguring.

Sorry. At the end of the day, I guess I'm a big chicken. Even when I'm feeling RACK-ish, you can't be "risk aware" if you have no bloody idea what you're doing.

quote:

How important is it to you to be honest about how much experience you have, with your new sub/slave?

Crucial and indispensable. I cannot ask people to trust me if I'm not trustworthy. Lying is RFO--right freakin out.

Hi ShaktiSama,
I wonder if you can tell us how you really feel? lol I agree with everything you wrote. Thanks for the reply.

MoGa

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RE: Your Experience & Disclosing It.. - 4/14/2008 5:17:57 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MySweetSubmssive
Doesn't risk-aware mean for *both* participants? Not disclosing prevents awareness.

Yes. Sadly, very few dominants have the necessary self-awareness to tell their potential bottom:: "By the way--just so you know--I'm a complete dumbass."

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RE: Your Experience & Disclosing It.. - 4/14/2008 5:23:04 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressOfGa

I am not talking about never doing it, but only having experienced it once, would you tell your sub that you had more experience than you actually do? How important is it to you to be honest about how much experience you have, with your new sub/slave?

No, I'd not tell anyone that I had more experience with a method or action than I truly do. In reality, I tend to fall on the side of doing the opposite: I tend to downplay or avoid telling how *much* experience I have in some things, for a few reasons,some of which are: a natural tendency towards privacy, a feeling that I always have more to learn in everything, life experience that has taught me to be careful who I express knowledge or skill to in words, etc. If I'm good/experienced in something then I tend to just let it show through the doing.

If I'm new to something or not strongly skilled in it I'd rather be straightforward about it, again for a variety of reasons including: learning *with* someone is a great experience in itself, I'd rather someone know I'm still learning at something and will improve rather than them thinking I've a large amount of experience but am not good at it, I enjoy learning for its own merits and greatly enjoy seeking out and gaining from others with more knowledge/ability, I do not wish to risk (if it's something risky) someone else's happiness or health, and more.

There just really aren't any benefits to fibbing about having more experience or ability than one does, as far as I can tell... eventually such things are bound to bite one in the ass. Either you get shown a liar or you look incompetent, neither are pleasant.

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RE: Your Experience & Disclosing It.. - 4/14/2008 5:31:33 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ShaktiSama

quote:

ORIGINAL: MySweetSubmssive
Doesn't risk-aware mean for *both* participants? Not disclosing prevents awareness.

Yes. Sadly, very few dominants have the necessary self-awareness to tell their potential bottom:: "By the way--just so you know--I'm a complete dumbass."

Now that would be the kind of full disclosure I'd like...

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RE: Your Experience & Disclosing It.. - 4/14/2008 6:04:58 PM

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I'm the one who pushed for breathplay, it just sounded incredibly hot. He shut it down at first saying too dangerous and I accepted his decision. Because you know, he's The Man! But after some months of researching he started very lightly, holding his hand over my mouth and nose and watching to see when I really needed a breath, allowing me air when he breathed by breathing into my mouth, wrapping his hand lightly around my throat. He's never going to go to the extent of me passing out or pressing down hard on my throat and I know that. I know he's very safety conscious and has drawn limits of how far he will take me.

Interesting enough, in the process it's actually not breath play that gets me but neck play. I get puddly if he bites my neck or wraps his big hand around the back of it like a kitten being carried by the scruff.

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RE: Your Experience & Disclosing It.. - 4/14/2008 6:47:58 PM

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I think having done something once counts for something. At the very least, it says that one has experienced this activity and can say how one liked it. And for some things, experiencing it once is reasonable experience--it reasonably distinguishes them from someone who has never tried it. Still, I agree it is inappropriate to exaggerate one's experience and one should simply say one has done it once. Also, I recognize there are activities where having done it once makes for little skill.

I think if two people are out to try an activity that is edgy or has safety implications, it might help to talk about it: what can go wrong, what are safety considerations, what is the source of information had and how reliable is this source, what does each person need to watch for and communicate to the other, what preparations are needed. I think this type of discussion will help get a sense for how prepared the two are.

While I am submissive, I have attended various presentations or seminars, or participated in forum topics that are based on techniques used by dominants. Information I have thus learned helps me because I am able to share it if I am with a new domme, and I imagine it would help me sense if one was exaggerating experience about a topic of which I have knowledge.

Cheers,

Sea

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RE: Your Experience & Disclosing It.. - 4/14/2008 7:22:56 PM

Vigilantejustice

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Informed consent isn't just for medical procedures. I want to know the level of experience of my partner. I want my partner to know my level of experience. Being a switch I have experience on both sides of the crop, so to speak. There's my brief answer.
-Corinne

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RE: Your Experience & Disclosing It.. - 4/14/2008 7:40:46 PM

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I have to admit, when reading the OP, My eyes widened and I had the same reaction as Shatki above.

Oddly enough, I'm very much on the 'err on the side of caution' type when it comes to a new type of play. For example, this past Christmas I got a wand. Since that time, I have bugged the crap out of everyone that I know who has one. What books do they suggest? Ask them about their experiences. What safety measures do they use? On and on.

Of course, I've used the wand, but I wouldn't suggest for a moment that I'm experienced. It takes a long time for Me to say I am about any particular kind of play.

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RE: Your Experience & Disclosing It.. - 4/14/2008 8:44:54 PM

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i would always prefer and have higher respect for "i am trying this for the first, or second time, or again, because i have never had it come out right" than i would to hear "OOPS" in the midst of things. That applies across the board, not simply to lifestyle things.

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