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Subtle disrespect - 10/13/2005 8:55:06 AM

Saint

Posts: 279
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Have you ever faced subtle disrespect from a Dom or Domme because you are a switch?

Let me focus this a bit. There is a party coming up this saturday, a halloween party. One of the organizations I belong to, was officially a part of this party being held at a Lady's house. Now, the organization withdrew its official name from the party itself, but the lady who is hosting it, is still welcoming its members. She of course has discretion on who attends and who doesnt attend. Anyways, I digress slightly.

I was invited by personal invitation to her party. The general public knew of her party taking place, just not exactly where or when. And of course, she didnt invite the general public, just members of this organization I belong to and select others. So I was approached by a friend of mine, a Domme friend who isnt part of the organization. She wanted to know if I knew about the public attending and I told her I would send an email to the hostess, asking about bringing a guest. I went ahead and did that, BUT, the same day I asked about bringing guests, this Domme friend of mine, went ahead and RSVP;d herself and attached my name to the email along with hers, before I had even gotten a reply back.

Now, the hostess went ahead and okay'd it anyways as this Domme friend is known to her decently well. She did return my email, basically listing party protocal and specifically mentioning NOT talking about what goes on there with the public and pointing out that she had her reasons for only rsvp'ing select people.

But, how must this make me look? I was following protocol and being respectful in asking about how she feels with guests. I wasnt going to just drop in with a guest, without knowing firsthand what her views on that was.

To top this all off, my Domme friend sent her last email, saying what she was bringing as a dish to pass. At the bottom of the email, she signed her name in large print like this: LADY ********** and saint (Making sure to put my name in small letters like I was her fucking slave)

Anyways, do I have a right to feel pissed about this? Now I have to confront this drama queen and worry about whether or not she is going to cause a scene or blow up and I have to privately apologize to the hostess as well for someone elses actions!

Do you think I have a right to be pissed? Firstly, I didnt authorize her to rsvp herself, I was waiting for an answer from the hostess first. Secondly, Im not anyones slave and dont deserve to have my name labeled as such next to hers or to have myself put into the context without my permission. Or am I making too much of all this?

RE: Subtle disrespect - 10/13/2005 9:44:38 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Saint
Anyways, do I have a right to feel pissed about this?

You have a right to feel whatever you feel.

Yes, it was incredibly rude of her to invite herself. Yes it was incredibly rude to implicate you as a way to make it look better for her.

quote:

Now I have to confront this drama queen and worry about whether or not she is going to cause a scene or blow up and I have to privately apologize to the hostess as well for someone elses actions!

You don't have to confront anyone, in fact I'd advise against doing anything except privately apologizing to the hostess for the mix-up and reassuring her that you will be extra cautious in the future. As for the rude person, I'd simply let that relationship grow distant.

As far as the name labelling, just let it go. Yes it's annoying and stupid, but since you know it is, just let her go her own way. You know who you are, the people who matter know who you are. Sign your own letters however you want, and unless it's someone you really care about, just let it go.

(in reply to Saint)

RE: Subtle disrespect - 10/13/2005 9:56:45 AM

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Explain what happened to the hostess,ask her not to make a scene about it with the tresspasser,and never ever mention a private party to the rude person again.

That way, you only have to suffer for one evening,and the drama is bypassed-forever.

(in reply to Saint)

RE: Subtle disrespect - 10/13/2005 10:34:41 AM

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Hi, Saint. I think you would do well to apologize to the party host, and explain the situation about the coerced invite. She is opening up her private home to others, and should know the type that forced their way in.

This "Domme" was a "friend" of yours? If she IS a friend, and acted in the manner you've described, I would wonder what her definition of that would be.

Yes, as I see it, you have a right to be angry, due to her actions, and try to see that it's a reflection on HER, not you.

It is not just a matter of how she treated you here, or that she used your name to garner the invite. She is quite possibly treating others in the same manner. Unfortunately there are people that like to work their way into events, by using others along the way. Extremely selfish, but they are usually quite effective....for a while anyway.

I'd say...let go of the anger (being pissed off) as it's not productive...and let go of the "friend." A friend would not have done this to you, regardless of their, or your orientation.

I do hope that you're still able to attend the party and enjoy yourself.

K

(in reply to Saint)

RE: Subtle disrespect - 10/13/2005 10:37:00 AM

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Oh...

...one more thing, I forgot to mention: The thread title is "Subtle disrespect" and I don't think the actions described were "subtle" at all! These actions were deliberate, as well as rude.

K

(in reply to FTopinMichigan)

RE: Subtle disrespect - 10/13/2005 9:42:24 PM

Saint

Posts: 279
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I think what my course of action will be is simple really. Im not going to bring this up to my friend, simply because there is no way, shape or form of doing so without her causing a scene or disruption. Most likely in public and most likely at the worst possible moment. I.e. During the party.

I think Im going to pull aside the hostess either during the party, or at the end of the night and explain what happened and express my apologies to her.

Then Im going to once again limit my contact for quite some time with this friend of mine.

This isnt the first time she has done something like this to disrespect me and Im really quite tired of it. One of the first times I played in public (Well, okay semi-public since the door was mostly closed and the Domme I was playing with owned the place) she 'snuck' in during the scene and more or less ruined my focus. This would be all fine and dandy, but I was new to the lifestyle and it takes a lot of courage to play in public. I had expressly told her earlier when she asked if I was going to play, that I wanted no disruptions and that no one was invited in to watch. She not only disregarded that, but went on to laugh and clap her hands really loudly during the scene, which immediately pulled me off the edge. At that point, all I could feel was myself getting extremely still and angry and the Domme doing the scene knew that something was wrong. She stopped the scene, made sure I was alright, and then asked my 'friend' to please leave for the night.

Theres a lot of little things, such as it generally being known that my submissive side is a dog and that I dont tolerate just anyone scratching my ears or neck and her continually sneaking up behind me and trying to do it, despite my repeated requests otherwise. This happens quite a bit at munchs where we both end up at. lol A bit of humour though, she did that once and I was sort of out of it, my teeth reflexively snapped and I caught her index and middle fingers pretty good. :D After that, she stopped for about a month.

There are other incidents, but I wont go into them. Its enough to say that Im tired of her thinking that Im a damn slave and that she can disrespect me for her own amusement.

(in reply to FTopinMichigan)

RE: Subtle disrespect - 10/13/2005 9:46:32 PM

Saint

Posts: 279
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I do apologize for the length of my posts. Its just that once I get going, I get going and its easy for me to go into perhaps too much detail.

(in reply to Saint)

RE: Subtle disrespect - 10/13/2005 10:49:13 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Saint

Theres a lot of little things, such as it generally being known that my submissive side is a dog and that I dont tolerate just anyone scratching my ears or neck and her continually sneaking up behind me and trying to do it, despite my repeated requests otherwise. This happens quite a bit at munchs where we both end up at. lol A bit of humour though, she did that once and I was sort of out of it, my teeth reflexively snapped and I caught her index and middle fingers pretty good. :D After that, she stopped for about a month.

There are other incidents, but I wont go into them. Its enough to say that Im tired of her thinking that Im a damn slave and that she can disrespect me for her own amusement.

You know, I used to have a friend like this. I finally snapped one day and told her off completely. That was at least 7 years ago. I feel fortunate that she hasn't talked to me since then, even though we have seen each other a few times.

Personally, I wouldn't wait until the end of the event to appologise to the host - do it in advance of anything that your "friend" may or may not do - just in case. As for limiting contact with her, I'd say that's a good idea ... but I'd do it permanently. You don't need "friends" like that.

(in reply to Saint)

RE: Subtle disrespect - 10/13/2005 11:15:52 PM

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Joined: 9/14/2005
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quote:

There are other incidents, but I wont go into them. Its enough to say that Im tired of her thinking that Im a damn slave and that she can disrespect me for her own amusement.

Damn... with "friends" like her, who needs enemas?

I'd let the party host know what happened BEFORE the party, and then avoid this so-called "friend" for the rest of my life. Who needs that kind of petty crap?

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich

(in reply to Saint)

RE: Subtle disrespect - 10/14/2005 7:47:01 AM

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Joined: 7/5/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Saint

I think what my course of action will be is simple really. Im not going to bring this up to my friend, simply because there is no way, shape or form of doing so without her causing a scene or disruption. Most likely in public and most likely at the worst possible moment. I.e. During the party.

I think Im going to pull aside the hostess either during the party, or at the end of the night and explain what happened and express my apologies to her.

Just to share my own philosophy on handling these types of uncomfortable situations....I wouldn't do anything AT the party, about this situation. It would not really be fair to the party host to put a damper on the event. Telling her "prior" to the party, will allow the host to take any action she might feel is relevant. If she is told "after," and is upset by the knowledge of what happened, let alone hearing it "after" the party, it might trouble her some. She may inquire to why you waited to tell her the information.

As for your "friend," my own reaction would be to confront her immediately. Her actions were done without any concern for you, and I feel it's quite possible that she's unaware of what she did, and needs to be told specifically. Let her know how you feel (even if she doesn't care.) If she doesn't take it well, or chooses to blame you for something...so be it. To remain silent will not serve you. Waiting, IMO, any amount of time, implies that all is well at the moment, when in fact, it's not.

E-mail both, if you're uncomfortable with face-to-face contact. In doing it this way, you will be able to carefully measure your words, as not to offend, yet be firm in explaining your position.

I've had unpleasant things happen at a parties, or in a club/at a munch, and I don't confront folks AT the event, but rather after. If I knew the actions of others warranted discussion prior to an event...I'd do that to prevent the unpleasantness that might occur. (i.e. "stay away from me")

K

(in reply to Saint)

RE: Subtle disrespect - 10/14/2005 10:43:30 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: FTopinMichigan

As for your "friend," my own reaction would be to confront her immediately. Her actions were done without any concern for you, and I feel it's quite possible that she's unaware of what she did, and needs to be told specifically. Let her know how you feel (even if she doesn't care.) If she doesn't take it well, or chooses to blame you for something...so be it. To remain silent will not serve you. Waiting, IMO, any amount of time, implies that all is well at the moment, when in fact, it's not.

K

The problem with this is that in the past he has told her of things and it has done no good. I would just leave it, and her, by the wayside after telling the hostess of the party.

(in reply to FTopinMichigan)

RE: Subtle disrespect - 10/14/2005 11:31:28 AM

Saint

Posts: 279
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quote:

SweetDommes

You know, I used to have a friend like this. I finally snapped one day and told her off completely. That was at least 7 years ago. I feel fortunate that she hasn't talked to me since then, even though we have seen each other a few times.

Personally, I wouldn't wait until the end of the event to appologise to the host - do it in advance of anything that your "friend" may or may not do - just in case. As for limiting contact with her, I'd say that's a good idea ... but I'd do it permanently. You don't need "friends" like that.

My biggest fear about telling the hostess this before the party is that we both will be asked not to attend. Ive devoted a bit of money to the costume, food and preparation for it and the last thing I want is for the hostess to be frustrated enough to ask us both not to attend.

Thats why Ive decided to not say anything to her until after the party. I would rather be quiet about this and have a good time, than worry about whether or not a scene is going to be made or I will be asked not to attend.

Thank you everyone for your advice and for your thoughts on this matter.

(in reply to SweetDommes)

RE: Subtle disrespect - 10/14/2005 11:38:08 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Saint
My biggest fear about telling the hostess this before the party is that we both will be asked not to attend. Ive devoted a bit of money to the costume, food and preparation for it and the last thing I want is for the hostess to be frustrated enough to ask us both not to attend.

Thats why Ive decided to not say anything to her until after the party. I would rather be quiet about this and have a good time, than worry about whether or not a scene is going to be made or I will be asked not to attend.

Thank you everyone for your advice and for your thoughts on this matter.

Heres what you do- sit down and write an email to the hostess which will say:

Dear Hostess,

I just wanted to thank you again for inviting me to the party, I am really looking forward to it. I am writing to see if you need any help with set-up or clean-up as I'd be happy to lend a hand.

Also, just wanted to apologize for the miscommunication earlier. I thought I'd made it clear to my friend that I would ask and get back to her directly. Please know that I will be far more cautious in the future.

Anyway, let me know if you need anything or what I can help with, either before or during the party. Hope all is well.

Sincerely,
Saint

Send it off and enjoy.

Adding a PS: rationalizing to get what you want to try and allow you to do something rude is just as bad as the rudeness in the first place

< Message edited by EmeraldSlave2 -- 10/14/2005 11:46:08 AM >

(in reply to Saint)

RE: Subtle disrespect - 10/14/2005 4:54:10 PM

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quote:

I'd let the party host know what happened BEFORE the party,

I rather firmly agree with this. Your hostess deserves to know what she is dealing with especially if lengths have been gone to for extra privacy with someone that appears inappropriatly nosey attending. I would say that a respectfully worded email to the hostess along the lines of:

It has come to my attention that my name was used to receive an RSVP for your event. While I initally desired to inquire as to the approprateness of including guest Domly Domme, it has come to my attention that my name may have inappropratly been used to secure said RSVP without my full knowledge. I humbly apologize for any inconvenience and would like to make you aware of this misunderstanding. It is not my intention to offend, I will still be attending ...blah blah.

A long diatribe of I'm not her sub/ she made me mad will just make YOU look bad long term. If the hostess allowed this person in I am ASSUMING that they have at least enough knowledge of them to not to outright say no. The email above I think will help to cushion the blow should this person do anything inappropriate. I would forward an email to your hostess ASAP!!

(in reply to Evanesce)

RE: Subtle disrespect - 10/15/2005 12:58:22 AM

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*nods* what ES and Rose said.

Tell her before. If she chooses to ban both of you - a) it's life. You can find another party to go to. It sucks, but it happens. b) it shows a lack of tollerance and judgment on the part of the hostess, especially if you word your note to the hostess to make it clear that you are very sorry, and that you are willing to make ammends for the misunderstanding. c) well, at least you'll have an easy excuse for never talking to your "friend" again.

(in reply to theRose4U)

RE: Subtle disrespect - 10/22/2005 11:32:35 AM

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I'm curious as to how this has turned out ... has the event happened? Have you talked to the Hostess?

(in reply to SweetDommes)

RE: Subtle disrespect - 11/15/2005 4:29:32 AM

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me too, i want to know what happened.

Your 'friend' - kick her to the curb, step over her, cock your leg on the way past! she's a wanker!

(in reply to SweetDommes)

RE: Subtle disrespect - 11/20/2005 11:26:20 AM

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quote:

I'm curious as to how this has turned out ... has the event happened? Have you talked to the Hostess?

I guess he's chosen not to share that with us. I'm curious myself, but since several posted to ask, and no response, I'm thinking it might not have turned out good.

I enjoy when people follow up on their posts, with the outcome.

K

(in reply to SweetDommes)

RE: Subtle disrespect - 11/20/2005 12:29:32 PM

Saint

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Ive responded, just done so privately to any who asked. :)

(in reply to FTopinMichigan)

RE: Subtle disrespect - 11/20/2005 2:14:46 PM

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quote:

Ive responded, just done so privately to any who asked. :)

EEEK that reads somethin ugly happened.

(in reply to Saint)

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