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RE: Fears - 4/27/2008 8:40:56 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Some people jump into the deep end and others go toe at a time. Throwing a person who prefers to go toe first into the deep end will just make them more fearful. I'm one of those slow types.

I need him to explain the activity to me, allow me time to learn about it, and it helps if we break it down into steps. And just work on one at a time. Because if he demands I do the whole thing at once, that says to me that the activity is more important to him than I am. What does it matter in the long run if it takes me six months to be able to handle something? It doesn't as long as he's really planning to still be here in six months. Plus I need the right to stop it if I can't handle it and not be pushed the next day to try it again.

What works best for you? And is he more interested in doing the activity or in having you eventually have a good experience?
BRAVO!!!....great answer Celeste...Tempting

_____________________________

I have greatly enjoyed the second blooming...suddenly you find at the age of 50, that a whole new life has opened before you.........Agatha Christie.

You must make tracks into the unknown~~Thoreau

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Fears - 4/28/2008 9:36:58 AM   
curiousPAlady


Posts: 8
Joined: 4/20/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Bound2One

There are a few things that Master would like me to try and has started easing me into ... but I have a few phobias which actually cause some beginning stage panic attack symptoms.  It's difficult.  I have the trust and love - I know he would never harm me.  It's just the instinct kicking in which takes over, and I freak.  I wonder if fear and phobia are different.  I think so - there are a few things I am fearful of, but could get through - but one or two things that I am phobic about which I try and believe that I will conquer, but deep down, I'm just not there yet.  I'm figuring that in time and with patience from Master I'll get there, but wow, it is slow-going.  Baby steps ...


Yes there are differences between fears and phobias.  I have struggled with a panic disorder most of my life, so I know there IS a difference.  There are things Im afraid of, usually with good cause, due to the actual danger posed.  AND there are the phobias, the anxiety/panic attacks that come up randomly or in certain situations.  Trust is much harder to feel during those times.

From what I have learned, there are deep reasons why people have phobias and panic disorders.  The reasons may not make sense now, in 2008, as adults, but the reasons are real, deep inside.  There are alot of modalities to help people understand, process through and eventually let go of their phobias.

I dont think though that trying to push through ones phobias to please a Dominant is safe for ones personal emotional/psychological health.  Even if the Dominant is a professional, trained to help people with phobias, there really should be boundaries between being a Dominant and being a therapist.

Just as our fears serve a purpose, so do our phobias. We just have to learn why the phobias exist and what needs to be done to let them go.  I used to be almost totally housebound, afraid to leave my house, open my drapes, answer the phone, open the door, etc.  I couldnt sleep and I couldnt function because the phobias were so extreme and so all encompassing.  That was almost 20 yrs ago, when it was the worst.

In time I have learned why they existed and how to heal them.  I dont have too many phobias now, and I rarely have a full blown panic attack anymore.  I served a Master for over 3 yrs, and we needed to set some boundaries around some activities. Things that were fears or unknown I tried at least once.  Some became part of our relationship, some things remained soft limits, and some things became hard limits. 

The things that factor into old phobias, or are triggers, are things we didnt do.  I was lucky that my first Master was so compatible with what I needed at the time, without me knowing at the time what I needed.  He accepted my hard limits.  He didnt want to trigger me or push me over some edge.

I dont think its my "job" or goal to push past every single fear, phobia, dislike, hate, etc just so that I can say I did, not at the risk of my mental health and stability. Nor do I think I should do so to prove anything or to please some Dominant.  I have worked a long time to get here, where I am content, grounded, optimistic, etc, and not being controlled by panic attacks and phobias.

Having been released in January 2007, I took time to recover and heal.  Now Im back out in the scene, hoping to connect with a compatible Dom.  My fears are up a bit more than usual, which I think is normal.  Stepping out in life, moving past my comfort zones, does rattle my cage a bit LOL  But I want to move on, past that old relationship, and explore the next stop on my journey

Sorry for the ramble LOL That all just needed to come out of me for some reason.

(in reply to Bound2One)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Fears - 4/28/2008 12:37:00 PM   
FRSguy


Posts: 653
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline 		If its just fear of the unknown as in you are safe and nothing realy bad is going to happen and you are aware of this then I would honestly say that you should accept and embrace your fears as a part of yourself expressing it durring the scene and enjoy where that emotion takes you.  Once you find ways of expressing it durring the scene your Dom can work it so to speak.

(in reply to Bound2One)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Fears - 4/28/2008 2:25:18 PM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Pickles1995

Any suggestions for how a sub/slave can overcome major fears of things that her Dom/Master wants to try or have her do?


Anytime my partner said he wanted to try something that in theory freaked me out. I researched it. REad up on it, found video clips showing it if possible.

Most importantly i discussed with my partner why he wanted to try it, explained my fears nd concerns.

Having him explain how and why he wants to do something tended to help reinforce my trust in him and by researching it, usually i discouvered it was not as scary as I thought it was.

All depends on what it is too tho.

_____________________________

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Your pain makes me smile ~ Happy Bunny

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(in reply to Pickles1995)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Fears - 4/28/2008 3:30:12 PM   
Bound2One


Posts: 614
Joined: 1/11/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: curiousPAlady
Sorry for the ramble LOL That all just needed to come out of me for some reason.



No, don't be sorry at all.  I'm glad it came out.  lol  It helps to know that others deal with fears and phobias and to hear how they worked with them.  Thanks for sharing!

(in reply to curiousPAlady)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Fears - 4/28/2008 3:40:51 PM   
Bound2One


Posts: 614
Joined: 1/11/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FRSguy

If its just fear of the unknown as in you are safe and nothing realy bad is going to happen and you are aware of this then I would honestly say that you should accept and embrace your fears as a part of yourself expressing it durring the scene and enjoy where that emotion takes you.  Once you find ways of expressing it durring the scene your Dom can work it so to speak.


You know, this is an interesting way of looking at it.  I've never turned it around and thought that I should 'embrace' my fears, and have never thought of enjoying the emotion that goes along with that.  I'm much more used to pretending they're not there, and then they jump up and bite me in the ass, so to speak.  lol  Thank you for the food for thought.

There was one thing we were trying and while at first I felt the usual panic feelings bubbling to the surface, and Master was caring for me and stopping what was happening ... when I stopped him and asked his patience with me.  By holding him and breathing deeply and consciously relaxing myself, I was able to manage a few minutes of the task without freaking out, which was a huge thing for me.  That little thing makes me think that in time things can be overcome - not only because Master wishes it, but because I wish it as well. 

(in reply to FRSguy)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Fears - 4/28/2008 5:32:48 PM   
SirJohnMandevill


Posts: 546
Joined: 11/10/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BitaTruble

Ask to go slow. Even crawling takes you places.

Celeste


Exactly. Test a little...fly a little...push the envelope. (I get paid to use aviation terms, even on CM!)  
 
Seriously, the only way to find out is to try a little of it. If he/she doesn't like it, allow them to say so, and move on to something else.
 
Les (Purveyor of Fine, Handcrafted Kink)

_____________________________

Iam an eroticist
I am a fully eroticized being
No more neuroses
I found my strip naked soul soup
With the deviant ingredient
---The B-52s

(in reply to BitaTruble)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Fears - 4/28/2008 7:37:10 PM   
derfrewop


Posts: 74
Joined: 5/10/2007
From: Vancouver
Status: offline 		There are hundreds of techniques for dealing with fears but all of the generally useful ones start with the same thing. Anything a person experiences will cause them to set up rules and responses for dealing with the situation if it repeats. Every single established reaction and behavior each of us have was created at a time when that reaction made sense. So a fear of the dark could be because of the fall down the basement stairs as a child, for example. Dark can can get you hurt so be afraid is a reasonable rule. Most successful overcoming of fears starts with understanding the way the fear was created and reinforced over time. It also requires that the difference between reality as it is now and as it was then be looked at. If you understand why the fear worked then and does not now, usually the way forward gets pretty obvious.

Without those two pieces of info, any advice is just the givers favorite but no more likely than any other approach to actually work.


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I only flog good girls. I don't reward bad behavior.

(in reply to SirJohnMandevill)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Fears - 4/29/2008 1:54:17 AM   
HerLord


Posts: 697
Joined: 2/14/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

He is your Master, if you trust in Him and in His duty of care then the fear itself is unfounded. Focus on Him rather than what you are afraid of, Draw your strength for Him and trust in His ability to get you through it.

after having read MANY of your posts... I think I am begining to warm up to you. I don't remember which of the posts it was, but one of the first ones I read of yours put you in the "I no Like" group, in a strong way, but after continuing to read them, I think we think much alike. Your take on the responsibility of the D to the s is refreshing to say the least. It is guys like you that make me proud to be one of us. Thank you again for your contributions and thoughts.

As for OP...

If you do not trust your D then you have bigger issues thatn your fears of what he wants to try with you. If you do trust him... then you should have no fear for as a good D, he will put your safety and issues before his wants.

_____________________________

"People as a whole think they want to hear the truth, until they hear it." -Stormism

(in reply to RavenMuse)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Fears - 4/29/2008 4:48:41 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HerLord
If you do not trust your D then you have bigger issues thatn your fears of what he wants to try with you. If you do trust him... then you should have no fear for as a good D, he will put your safety and issues before his wants.


That sounds good in theory but for those of us with panic and/or anxiety disorders then what this will do is cause anxiety/panic attacks. If he said trust me while I was panicking it wouldn't help the attack. In fact it would cause less trust that he could ignore me being in acute distress.

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Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to HerLord)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Fears - 4/29/2008 2:26:12 PM   
Bound2One


Posts: 614
Joined: 1/11/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: HerLord
If you do not trust your D then you have bigger issues thatn your fears of what he wants to try with you. If you do trust him... then you should have no fear for as a good D, he will put your safety and issues before his wants.


That sounds good in theory but for those of us with panic and/or anxiety disorders then what this will do is cause anxiety/panic attacks. If he said trust me while I was panicking it wouldn't help the attack. In fact it would cause less trust that he could ignore me being in acute distress.


Yep, I know what you mean, Celeste.  It's all well and good to say that trust will get you through it, but instincts kick in and saying you should 'have no fear if he's a good D' ... is just not going to work - it'll take time and effort on both our parts to overcome fears.  It's not as easy as saying 'have no fear' - it's way more complicated than that.  I'm not talking about yikes, 'i'm afraid i'll break a nail' it's a 'fight or flight' instinct that's deeply ingrained. 

I think it IS important for me to accept and know that trust and having a wonderfully supportive and loving Master will get me through difficult experiences.  I've at least made it to that step - of not saying 'nope, not gonna happen' (which is what I was thinking very early on in the relationship and prior to even knowing my Master, the things I feared were on my hard limit list) to 'yes, i think there is a good chance this will happen.'  Baby steps for me.... 

This has been a very helpful discussion for me - I'm wondering, OP - has any of the contributions helped you in any way? 

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Fears - 4/29/2008 2:34:51 PM   
Daddyslilpookie


Posts: 498
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: OC, California
Status: offline 		One word is trust. Your Master is supposed to keep you safe and out of harms way, trust him.

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Princess Andie


"A Woman Loves Only Her Master"

(in reply to Pickles1995)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Fears - 4/30/2008 3:55:29 PM   
HerLord


Posts: 697
Joined: 2/14/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: HerLord
If you do not trust your D then you have bigger issues thatn your fears of what he wants to try with you. If you do trust him... then you should have no fear for as a good D, he will put your safety and issues before his wants.


That sounds good in theory but for those of us with panic and/or anxiety disorders then what this will do is cause anxiety/panic attacks. If he said trust me while I was panicking it wouldn't help the attack. In fact it would cause less trust that he could ignore me being in acute distress.
Part of putting your issues first would be to be a partner in getting you through them. Helping you to address and work through the thoughts fears and emotions of what is at the heart of what is causing you distress. This may mean starting a "scene" then stopping only a few minutes in to sit and talk about what was on your mind and or what you were feeling. Does this mean that every time this is what will happen. NO! It means that as a D type worthy of your trust/intamacy/honor or what ever else you may bestow upon them, They will guide you in the direction they see best fit for your needs at the time.

Sometimes this is just an order of "Service me." For some just being put in the context of submission and or servitude alleviates enough of thier own will and concern for them selves to get through it and do as is expected to come out the other side standing proud tall and with some sort of new view on the "issue" overcome.

It is my job as My Love's Lord to protect her and better her in her own eyes. What I see and how I think of her is not my goal to change. It is her view of herself that I must maintain. Beleive it or not there are things I censor about myself so as to not let her become tainted in her own eyes by my... thoughtless speech?

As this is the job of all D's in my view. If only to better reflect on themselves.

Now where's this cute dress? I am not ignoring ANYONE.

_____________________________

"People as a whole think they want to hear the truth, until they hear it." -Stormism

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Fears - 5/15/2008 6:35:02 PM   
Pickles1995


Posts: 9
Joined: 3/2/2006
Status: offline 		It's amazing what patience on Master's side and trust on my side can accomplish together.  Thank you all muchly for your advice.

(in reply to HerLord)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Fears - 5/16/2008 2:18:05 AM   
slaveelle


Posts: 116
Joined: 9/28/2007
From: Australia
Status: offline 		 He's never done anything to lead me wrong so yes, I trust him.  I just have many fears.  The things I have tried so far, over time I grew to love.  Just struggling with a certain thing in particular that is very major for me. 


If your master has never done anything wrong and you trust him, then put your trust in him again. I know to try new things is  is scary, the unknown always is, but if you liked what he has already done for you, then go ahead, but ask him to go slow.
Use a safe word, so if it becomes more than you can handle,  you  can use it.
I wish you luck.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Fears - 5/16/2008 6:21:08 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		Lots of good advice so far. I am curious though, you asked for advice about "major" fears. Depending on how you define that I would council differently. You say you trust him, and that is a positive. But how long have you two been together? How many discussions have you had about what are just fears and what are hard limits (something you would not want to do under any circumstances).

If he is pushing you to try what you consider a hard limit, I don't think blind trust is the answer. Hard limits can become pleasant activities down the road, but there has to be mutual consent that you think you are ready to try something you previously would not have wanted to do.

Aside from hard limits, I agree with the rest. If you do trust him, and you believe he knows you well enough to know your limits, go with the flow. Allow him to take you into those dark, scary places that you so fear and probably very much desire.

_____________________________

You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to Pickles1995)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Fears - 5/16/2008 6:55:01 AM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline 		I read the whole thread and I don't think you mentioned specifically what activities you were afraid of... if its a general fear, then break it down in steps/stages.. pick at it a little at a time...

what you might do is mention specifics (e.g., I'm afraid of getting singletailed) in the slave/submissive thread and let others tell you of their experiences... I'd bet you'll find many who were or still are in your place...

good luck.. what fun to try new things *grin*

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to Pickles1995)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Fears - 5/16/2008 1:04:29 PM   
Vanatru


Posts: 300
Joined: 4/16/2004
Status: offline 		another thing is breaking it down to stages (something Celeste touched on). Like fear of heights. You go to a height that just makes you nervous, but is safe cause of railing etc etc, and get comfortable with that, see that you are safe, be aware of the feelings, but not let them control you. When you are comfortable with that (which can take a series of tries) go a bit higher, etc. Conditioned responses can be changed, you don't have to remain a victim of your fears.

If what he wants you to do can be broken down like that, with time and effort, you'll make it together.

(in reply to Madame4a)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Fears - 5/16/2008 3:41:36 PM   
KatsKandee


Posts: 8
Joined: 4/21/2008
Status: offline 		begging sometimes works for me depending on his tolerance level that day *shrugs*

(in reply to Bound2One)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Fears - 5/16/2008 8:08:59 PM   
Interesdom


Posts: 197
Joined: 5/24/2004
From: England
Status: offline 		Fear can often be born from ignorance.  If you remove the ignorance, by education or experience, the fear often will go away.  This can work on everything from common phobias, like the dark or spiders, to BDSM issues like watersports or suspension.

Find a resource to read about the subject that is causing fear.  Alternately, just take a deep breath and DO IT.  Sometimes, it is necessary to break the task down into small, more manageable stages or components.  Dealing with a fear of drowning, for example, can be started by standing in a pool of water up to your knees.

Of course, education can lead to fear and under those circumstances, it's probably a good thing.

(in reply to Pickles1995)
Profile   Post #: 40
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