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ORIGINAL: AAkasha

I wonder if any femdoms who were monogamous to the core ever look back and miss something that cannot be recaptured once they move into multiple partners.  Not that they *regret* it, but that they realize something would change and it's an adjustment, and something that could not be recaptured.
<snip>
For those that made the transition from monogamy to having a second or third partner, did anything change unexpectedly in your primary relationship that you could never have anticipated?

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ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus

I am polyamourous. I admit that I was very surprised to find that monogamy is a hard limit for me, since I am extremely loyal and loving, and certainly can commit to individuals. But, I also can't imagine not having more than one close person in my life. Not all my close relationships are necessarily sexual, but they are THERE, and I can't give that up.

Tammyjo, you are very lucky that your family gets along so well. I have a friend who is having a terrible time with her primary's extended family--the usual issues--and she is having to get some of her needs met elsewhere. Anyone who thinks that poly is easy, or some kind of license to cheat, is just bonkers.

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ORIGINAL: MzMinx

My first long term D/s relationship was a poly .... where I was the  secondary (as some describe it ) it lasted ten years  and only ceased because he left this world

He was married for 30 + years to his childhood sweetheart and she was, and is monogamous and never ever desired another partner (romantic, sexual or intimate.. he wass her first and only) ...... I did not live with them although their children knew about me and I was given a special place within their family ... I was invited to their 25th wedding aniversary and things like weddings, birthdays and other family special events ... I was also afforded a special place at his funeral  and his and my conection was celebrated along with his wife and childrens.. I never once felt lesser or unloved or unimportant .. or secondary .... just different

I was always free to seek other relationships ... and  did have a few during those years... but I was more than content with what I recieved and still consider this not only one of the most  sucessful relationships of my life but also one of the most healthiest and nurtureing.

I never desired to have the conections she had with him .. I never desired to be wife and mother ....  and she never desired  many of the D/s components of his and my relationship...... I think this  and teh fact we all respected and loved each other, was an important part of our sucess... there was no 'replacement' possable ... and no jealousy of  what each was given and enjoyed ...   of course there where times when I wanted more time or she wanted this or that or he wanted this or that ..... but that happenes no matter  what types of relationships ... at the time I was working 80 hour weeks ... and he would have loved for me to have more free time to play and explore ...  but my job was not something to be jealous of, just as his time with his wife was not something I would be jealous of

He and I did have certain restrictions based on his agreements with his wife..... and he and I created rituals and supportive interactions based on our own relationship ..... all of these helped keep things in harmony and perspective.   If something did cause an issue .. it was discussed and  all ideas, needs, reactions  where respectfully and gently delt with .... sometimes this changed how and when  interactiosn where done .. mostly it was just a learning and growth .. an understanding of our own needs.

So yes we had ideas of  how things should happen .. for example ... who should call when .... but emergancies or real needs always overrode the general agreements... because those phone calls .. or such where never a 'hidden jealousy' issue or  such they where real situations that needed dealing with .... 

They had spent a great deal of time bringing themselves and their relationship to the point where he could seek other relationships...  but they also had a very realistic expectation that life is always changing and bringing new challanges and situations so they always considered communication, honesty, respect and loveing care was more important than a set rule and they had a perspective of trust between each other .... that  boiled down to if they did feel hurt or threatened or upset by something that it was never an intentional harm by the other ....  they always remained in love and loveing in their hearts towards each other

They had one of the most amazing  and supportive relationships I have ever been fortunate enough to be touched by, and I still consider myself honoured to have been part of their lives and they of mine. The things I learned about loveing, healthy, nurturing relationships from them will stay with me the rest of my life

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ORIGINAL: DominantJenny

*sigh* This is pretty much precisely what I'm wishing for and will probably not end up finding.

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ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

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ORIGINAL: DominantJenny

*sigh* This is pretty much precisely what I'm wishing for and will probably not end up finding.

If I may...

It isn't so much a matter of finding such a dynamic but creating one.

For many people in the "scene" the slow building process that works for us will probably seem too damned slow and too demanded formal in some ways. I can be romantic but I'm not a romantic, I know it takes time and work.

So my advice, if I may again, is to find one partner whom has a poly nature or desires as well as the desire to form strong bonds. Settle down in that dynamic first, may take a year or more. Then open things up one new person at a time, slowly testing all of you to see if there is compatibility over time, again this may be 6 months or more if the dynamics are Ds with you or your first partner as the D. I can't speak for non-DS poly.

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ORIGINAL: DominantJenny

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ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

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ORIGINAL: DominantJenny

*sigh* This is pretty much precisely what I'm wishing for and will probably not end up finding.

If I may...

It isn't so much a matter of finding such a dynamic but creating one.

For many people in the "scene" the slow building process that works for us will probably seem too damned slow and too demanded formal in some ways. I can be romantic but I'm not a romantic, I know it takes time and work.

So my advice, if I may again, is to find one partner whom has a poly nature or desires as well as the desire to form strong bonds. Settle down in that dynamic first, may take a year or more. Then open things up one new person at a time, slowly testing all of you to see if there is compatibility over time, again this may be 6 months or more if the dynamics are Ds with you or your first partner as the D. I can't speak for non-DS poly.

I appreciate what you say. I already have a monogamous partner and we're long settled; we've had one outside relationship that worked for a time, but unfortunately not for the long term, and I fear that will always be the case. The description of the relationship that she had with her couple was just very similar to what I hope the woman I'd like to get involved with would one day describe.

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ORIGINAL: thetammyjo
Just so you and others know, Fox was my, what, 8th slave, probably the 25th person I ever trained. It took some time to find a person who could fit and then it takes work to make it work for us all.

I think you'll find that other person for you. Perhaps like me, you'll find her when you aren't really looking and in fact are in other dynamics at the moment. I'll add my hopes to yours for you.

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ORIGINAL: MmeGigs

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ORIGINAL: AAkasha

I wonder if any femdoms who were monogamous to the core ever look back and miss something that cannot be recaptured once they move into multiple partners.  Not that they *regret* it, but that they realize something would change and it's an adjustment, and something that could not be recaptured.
<snip>
For those that made the transition from monogamy to having a second or third partner, did anything change unexpectedly in your primary relationship that you could never have anticipated?

When my Al and I got together (almost 10 years ago now) our relationship was strictly monogamous because that was the way I wanted it - no sex or play with others.  I didn't want to share because I'm quite possessive and have no desire to become less so.  What's mine is mine, end of story.  I didn't think I'd be comfortable with my Al being intimate with someone else, and I really had no interest in being intimate with anyone but him.  Then we got involved in the kinky community and started meeting some really wonderful people.  We talked about playing with others and that kind of stuff - all hypothetical - but it all got very real when a dear friend asked me if I would allow her to give my Al a blowjob.  She really, really wanted to do this.  She was (and is) married, and was (and is) completely devoted to her husband/Master.  My Al was (and is) very fond of her, and so was (and am) I.   I had no idea how I was going to feel about it or react to it, but I said okay.  It was a little weird at first, but soon was just totally cool.  They were enjoying it, her hubby was very pleased with her, and in the end I felt really, really good about having had the opportunity to share my most precious possession with my dear friend.  The experience made us all a lot closer. 

My attitude about what's mine hasn't changed but these days we're not at all exclusive.  We don't really have any rules anymore about what we do and with whom, other than that we won't have much to do with folks who don't respect our relationship.  I truly wouldn't have it any other way.  I can't think of anything that I feel that I've lost or that I had and would like to get back, but I can think of loads of things that I've gained.  I know that "possessive" can be a positive thing that doesn't have to have any jealousy or selfishness to it.  The bits of my Al that are most important to me are all mine and always will be no matter who else he plays with or has sex with or loves -  being poly has made that very obvious.  That sense of "mine" is heightened for me rather than diminished by sharing my Al.  Folks ask permission to borrow him and thank me when they're done.  I feel proud that he's so popular and in demand.  The shared intimacy makes our close friends even closer. 

Al was never particularly monogamous to begin with, and perhaps I wasn't either and just didn't know it.  In any case, an open poly relationship is working very well for us.