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From mono to poly - any regrets looking back? - 4/30/2008 7:33:30 PM

AAkasha

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I used to joke with my husband that when he turned 30 years old I'd have to trade him in for a guy in his 20s, because I don't hook up with older guys. This became an ongoing joke, but it also bred some insecurity (no matter how much I try to take it back), and as we enter the 7th year of our monogamous relationship (well, mostly monogamous), and I get closer to age 40, my restlessness and need for variety pretty much took over. I don't know if it's true about the 7-year itch, but...

The good news is that we were prepared for it and it's not been a problem. But as we get closer to real, true, poly situations, I wonder if any femdoms who were monogamous to the core ever look back and miss something that cannot be recaptured once they move into multiple partners. Not that they *regret* it, but that they realize something would change and it's an adjustment, and something that could not be recaptured.

In looking at where we have come from, I have to think we've done it all right. His biggest concern was that I'd fall in love with a secondary partner, and that I would not be able to stay within my own boundaries of emotional connection. We both agreed that taking it slow would be the best route, and I'll be meeting my first real life "second" in the next few months over the summer. We haven't worked out some of the details - like whether or not my husband wants to be involved and on what level. But he's clearly comfortable with it, whereas a few months ago he was in a "wait and see" pattern.

I hold our relationship in very high regard and all along have had the position that if something was going to threaten it, my priorities would be clear to all parties. I think he needed to see that in action, rather than just words, and his comfort level is a lot higher as we get closer to it.

For those that made the transition from monogamy to having a second or third partner, did anything change unexpectedly in your primary relationship that you could never have anticipated?

Akasha

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RE: From mono to poly - any regrets looking back? - 4/30/2008 7:52:06 PM

faerytattoodgirl

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poly wanna cracker?

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RE: From mono to poly - any regrets looking back? - 4/30/2008 8:43:56 PM

TermsConditions

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quote:

ORIGINAL: faerytattoodgirl

poly wanna cracker?

:-)

A kindred spirit.

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RE: From mono to poly - any regrets looking back? - 4/30/2008 9:01:24 PM

faerytattoodgirl

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maybe i should have said....

poly wanna crack at her?

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RE: From mono to poly - any regrets looking back? - 4/30/2008 10:38:44 PM

slaveboyforyou

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Well see the priortity thing is my problem with poly relationships. I don't entertain the idea of going into poly relationships, because I don't want to be the secondary, disposable partner. Call it insecurity, call it jealousy, call it neediness, call it emotional immaturity.....but I refuse to play second fiddle. I don't understand people that do. I am not judging believe me. But I really don't get it. When I am the first and primary partner, I would wonder why I am not enough. I would wonder why my lover doesn't have enough faith in me to provide what she wants.

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RE: From mono to poly - any regrets looking back? - 5/1/2008 12:24:50 AM

Skully7000

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Joined: 7/22/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveboyforyou

Well see the priortity thing is my problem with poly relationships. I don't entertain the idea of going into poly relationships, because I don't want to be the secondary, disposable partner. Call it insecurity, call it jealousy, call it neediness, call it emotional immaturity.....but I refuse to play second fiddle. I don't understand people that do. I am not judging believe me. But I really don't get it. When I am the first and primary partner, I would wonder why I am not enough. I would wonder why my lover doesn't have enough faith in me to provide what she wants.

I'm not out to Preach/convert. personally you seem pretty comfortable knowing that you are 100% monogamous. and that is honestly better then trying to be poly when you really aren't(or vice versa) but since you left it with some things you didn't understand...and its late and i'm feeling a bit wordy... I decide to explain my feelings/beliefs a tad bit.

1) any time you view a relationship. a human being as Disposable... there is a problem. people use the term "poly" so often they forget the rest of it. poly"amorous" aka LOVE multiple LOVES. just because a person is your secondary doesn't mean you don't/can't Love them. nor does it have to mean you love them any less. often times a secondary is based around the situation( they live far away, job gets in the way, we live different lives)

2)" Call it insecurity, call it jealousy, call it neediness, call it emotional immaturity"
are all things that must be dealt with in order to have a healthy successful Poly relationship

3) "but I refuse to play second fiddle. I don't understand people that do. "

many of my poly relationships were due to my "primary" relationship being that of my day job and then my "secondary" job was my night job. then I was taking college courses... all in all my life goals took precident over my love life.
having a secondary/being a secondary was perfect for me. I got the emotional/spiritual/physical satisfaction of a girlfriend from someone who I only saw 1-3 times a month. and with my schedule it was more then enough time. and I rested easier knowing that she was getting her needs meet in her primary relationship. which brings me to point 4.

4)I'm a very giving person. I'm a daddy dom. and I often put others before myself because I believe I can help them be/do better. as such sometimes when I put my things on the back burner I emotionally go distant for a little bit while I put my own house back in order. as such Its nice to know that my S.O. has a support structure that will survive without me. be it for a day or a week. Also being Secure, Non-jealous and sometimes to independant for my own good. I Love knowing that my girlfriend is getting pleasure whenver she wants it. when I'm around I love pleasing her. when I'm not around she has other options.

5) I despise cheating. I will not do it. I will not help someone else do it. I'm also an experience Junkie. I love trying knew things. I love meeting new people and I love connecting and bonding with people on whatever level naturally occurs between the two of us(and everyone is different so its always something new in some way)
as such. being Poly allows me to fulfill needs and wants and desires that would otherwise not be meet...while also releiving the pressure off my primary partner.
for example: there is one sexual act that we don't do. If we weren't poly I could potentially TALK her into it... but then I would be only a step away from forcing her to do it and she would eventually resent me for it.
or I could cheat... or I could resent her for "sacraficing" somethign that I yearn for.

instead I do that act with someone else. as long as the lines of communication stay open and everyone is comfortable with the situation everyone is happy. everyone wins.

I know I make it sound easy but honestly its just the idea that people must work hard at their relationships. wether its one monogamous relationship and still finding time for your friends... or having friends who you also get sexual with... or have multiple Loves who you must split your time with equally. it all ends up with you having to work hard to maintain your relationships.

and just so I don't fully Hijack the thread: to the OP:
The only regret I have regarding moving towards poly, was not being honest with myself sooner. I would not cheat but I wanted to be with other people and that conflict within myself played a major role in ruining several AMAZING relationships. women who I was head over heels in love with yet couldn't understand how they could not be enough...and I still wanted to sleep with others.
accepting that I am "wired" for poly relationships was the best relationship decision I have ever made and my current relationship is one of my most satisfying. we have blew past some of the most common pitfalls in my past and we are continuing very strong.

Cheers
Skully

(in reply to slaveboyforyou)

Post #: 6

RE: From mono to poly - any regrets looking back? - 5/1/2008 12:49:23 AM

MasterFireMaam

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I don't necessarily have regrets, but I do feel the dissapointment when I run across someone I really like and connect with...who wants monogamy. I just can't do that any more.

Master Fire

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RE: From mono to poly - any regrets looking back? - 5/1/2008 5:23:33 AM

thetammyjo

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I'm sorry, AAkasha, that I can't offer a lot here because your OP is very heartfelt.

I've never been monogamous. Oh, I was raised to be but it never clicked with me. Tom and I were only a couple for the first year of our marriage to make sure it was on a solid foundation but our vows purposely did not include monogamy.

That said, I've been teased by people who know us and even by our family therapist that we are the most monogamous poly people they know. I think that's because we slowly bring others into the family and we each are entitled to offer opinions about potentials -- opinions I've learned to trust.

That's one model of poly -- building a family -- there are others.

If you haven't done so yet, I suggest reading "The Ethical Slut" together. Note the "together" here. Read it out loud, switching off reading sections and discussing it as you go. We found it helped us refine what our rules were for being poly. If you read and discuss it together I think there is less room for conflicting interpretations.

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And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

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RE: From mono to poly - any regrets looking back? - 5/1/2008 5:35:20 AM

Madame4a

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I have some regrets about a previous poly situation... too many people.. not so much on my side, but interconnected, and I wan't comfortable most of the time. I also did not have a primary, but ran two relationships like primaries and it wasn't good.

One of mine also tried to run both of hers like two primaries and she did that even worse than I did.

That said, I'm in a different place now and so far, I have no regrets. I realized I needed a primary -- I needed home, something and someone I could always count on being there and someone I knew was mine and approached the relationship the same way I did.

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RE: From mono to poly - any regrets looking back? - 5/1/2008 8:31:15 AM

cloudboy

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When you are not really poly, aka, married seeking action on the side you can expect two things:

(1) Your secondary partners will go from being "thrilled to be with you" to being disappointed the relationship is so limited and bottled. Your best bet to guard against this is to limit yourself to other married partners, which then involves you with the wives of your secondary partner. [or you can cheat.]

(2) If you feel an attachment to your secondary partner and try to solidify that relationship, your married partner will feel threatened and probably jealous. How good are you at walking a fine line?

Write me down as skeptical of long-time monogamous marrieds going "poly." My wife's old counselor used to straight-out tell her, "open marriages don't work," implying that the unforeseen consequence was divorce. I thought that counselor erred in not evaluating couples experiences on an individual basis.

Its also hard for anyone to give you any kind of feedback with so little information to go on.

Will your husband be meeting your newly-minted partners? Will he have a say in who they are?

What will you do when you are with a new man and your husband calls your cell phone? Will that be straight to voicemail or will you answer it?

Instead of poly, will you have a don't ask, don't tell policy? (Permission to have limited affairs within a set of rules.)

If your husband sees the arrangement working well for you, he may get the idea that he would like to try to expand his own horizons as well. How are you going to react when he puts himself "in play?"

Blah, blah, blah and all the rest of the standard questions.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 5/1/2008 8:35:06 AM >

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RE: From mono to poly - any regrets looking back? - 5/1/2008 9:30:33 AM

thetammyjo

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quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy

Write me down as skeptical of long-time monogamous marrieds going "poly." My wife's old counselor used to straight-out tell her, "open marriages don't work," implying that the unforeseen consequence was divorce. I thought that counselor erred in not evaluating couples experiences on an individual basis.

You should tell this counselor about us then.

Tom and I will be celebrating 16 years of marriage at the end of May and I've owned Fox for almost 8.5 years now. We honestly can't imagine being just two adult people in our family.

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And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

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RE: From mono to poly - any regrets looking back? - 5/1/2008 9:51:31 AM

cloudboy

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The reply would probably be that you are the exception and from what I've seen you are exceptional: fair and open minded, a good negotiator and problem solver, had a husband who was on board with the poly plan, able to manage jealousy, etc.

Also, your poly is a household thing. There is full membership and incorporation of different lives together into a family structure.

Your arrangement differs from, "I have my sacred marriage, but I want action on the side."

You're also not calling yourself monogamous and poly in the same sentence or life period.

As we've oft seen on the poly board, monogamous people don't really change if that's their operational foundation. Monogamous people are troubled, challenged, and oftentimes destabilized by polyamory. On the other hand a truly polyamorous person is troubled by marriage.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 5/1/2008 9:52:21 AM >

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RE: From mono to poly - any regrets looking back? - 5/1/2008 10:28:20 AM

ShaktiSama

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quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy
As we've oft seen on the poly board, monogamous people don't really change if that's their operational foundation. Monogamous people are troubled, challenged, and oftentimes destabilized by polyamory. On the other hand a truly polyamorous person is troubled by marriage.

I would agree with this, speaking from personal experience. This is why I tend to view polyamory as an orientation rather than just a lifestyle choice--I'm not sure polyamorous people strictly choose to be polyamorous when other options were equally possible, and I'm not sure monogamous really have the option of "choosing" polyamory, although they sometimes struggle to cope with it for a while for the sake of someone they love, especially if they're the submissive partner in a relationship.

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RE: From mono to poly - any regrets looking back? - 5/1/2008 12:39:51 PM

LadyHibiscus

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I am polyamourous. I admit that I was very surprised to find that monogamy is a hard limit for me, since I am extremely loyal and loving, and certainly can commit to individuals. But, I also can't imagine not having more than one close person in my life. Not all my close relationships are necessarily sexual, but they are THERE, and I can't give that up.

Tammyjo, you are very lucky that your family gets along so well. I have a friend who is having a terrible time with her primary's extended family--the usual issues--and she is having to get some of her needs met elsewhere. Anyone who thinks that poly is easy, or some kind of license to cheat, is just bonkers.

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RE: From mono to poly - any regrets looking back? - 5/1/2008 12:55:53 PM

Shawn1066

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I couldn't be poly the way I understand it. If my Owner wanted another romantic interest, it's one of the very few things I couldn't give her and still live with myself. I'd try. I'd try hard...but I couldn't. I'm as monogamous as a human being can be.

Now, in our brand of poly, she has another pet who she's not sexually or romantically linked too. That, I can live with and be a part of quite easily. Everybody has a clearly defined, different role. I'm her lover, her slave, and her fiance. He's her friend, her cuckhold, and her baby.

Needless to say, romantic poly is a hard limit for me.

DV's Fox

< Message edited by Shawn1066 -- 5/1/2008 12:57:19 PM >

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RE: From mono to poly - any regrets looking back? - 5/1/2008 1:07:58 PM

EXODUS1

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Once you Know the Truth,
then it is an easy transition.

Change is Hard!
If you knew something to be wrong,
but kept doing it.

Well then You have not made the change.

quote:

"I'd rather live as if there was a God and find out that there isn't.. than to live as if there is no God and find out there is". For me.. this holds the same for an afterlife :)

EXODUS1

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RE: From mono to poly - any regrets looking back? - 5/1/2008 6:27:24 PM

LadyPact

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I can understand the husband's fears. One thing that does tend to cause concern to the primary, is the possibility of not being the primary anymore. What if the new guy takes her away from me? If she loves him, will she love me as much? How will I handle seeing her with someone else that she gives her time and/or affection?

I'm very familiar with all of the above, since we went through it in stages in our house, too. We had made the decision that poly was what we wanted, but we didn't see it as a 'not enough' situation in the primary partner. It really wasn't because anyone was lacking anything. It was because we knew that there could be some a la carte items that came along with the meal.

Yes, it's a process, to see how the spouse handles it. We took gradual steps to where we are in our poly family today. Each step was a new level of trust, and sometimes even proving that the fears were unfounded. One of the biggest in the past year was hearing My husband say that he knew that I loved My sub, and that My sub loved Me in return. That was one of his big ones when we started out. My husband wasn't sure if he could handle Me saying that I love another male. Between then and now, he's learned that Me being affectionate towards My sub, isn't a threat to him. In fact, it's one of the things that has made him more confident that I am his partner in life. His place as My primary is very secure.

Along with TammyJo's suggestion, I'll offer what worked for us. We sat down and decided on what the 'house rules' were for entering poly, before we actually involved anyone else. What was acceptable, what was not, and how we felt about different things. It can come in handy in the beginning, and you can let it grow from there.

Good luck in your venture. I have a really good feeling about this one.

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RE: From mono to poly - any regrets looking back? - 5/1/2008 6:58:12 PM

AAkasha

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ShaktiSama

quote:

ORIGINAL: cloudboy
As we've oft seen on the poly board, monogamous people don't really change if that's their operational foundation. Monogamous people are troubled, challenged, and oftentimes destabilized by polyamory. On the other hand a truly polyamorous person is troubled by marriage.

I would agree with this, speaking from personal experience. This is why I tend to view polyamory as an orientation rather than just a lifestyle choice--I'm not sure polyamorous people strictly choose to be polyamorous when other options were equally possible, and I'm not sure monogamous really have the option of "choosing" polyamory, although they sometimes struggle to cope with it for a while for the sake of someone they love, especially if they're the submissive partner in a relationship.

If poly and mono are orientations rather than choices, what societal factors influence this? What makes someone poly vs. mono?

My husband and I have very long discussions about these things and it's always very enlightening. He's very well read and is very interested in anthropology, evolution of societies, etc. He's also an athiest to the core. If any of his monogamous-wiring is based on his religious upbringing, he's easily able to disgard that, as he's readily able to disgard anything preached by religion. He's also secure and not the jealous type; but, ultimately, he's simply monogamous and he can't figure out why. I find it very admirable. He's the most devoted man I have ever known.

Akasha

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Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

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RE: From mono to poly - any regrets looking back? - 5/1/2008 7:14:11 PM

ShaktiSama

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I'm not sure monogamy has to be trained per se. It is a remarkably universal pattern of human bonding--and so is polyamory! I don't really think either one has to be trained per se--whatever the social norm of a society may be, whether it's poly or mono, some people will conform to it happily and some will struggle to get along.

I suspect that the ability to bond with one partner is probably important in any species wchich spends as long in childhood as Homo sapiens does. Paternal investment is a very good thing.

On the other hand, mutli-male, multi-female groups are the norm for human societies of all types. Sex is a strong community bonding agent among humans. I can see both orientations being simultaneously selected for without much difficulty--the only real tweaking would be the incidence level of each trait.

_____________________________

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-- Robert A. Heinlein

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RE: From mono to poly - any regrets looking back? - 5/1/2008 7:40:57 PM

MzMinx

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My first long term D/s relationship was a poly .... where I was the secondary (as some describe it ) it lasted ten years and only ceased because he left this world

He was married for 30 + years to his childhood sweetheart and she was, and is monogamous and never ever desired another partner (romantic, sexual or intimate.. he wass her first and only) ...... I did not live with them although their children knew about me and I was given a special place within their family ... I was invited to their 25th wedding aniversary and things like weddings, birthdays and other family special events ... I was also afforded a special place at his funeral and his and my conection was celebrated along with his wife and childrens.. I never once felt lesser or unloved or unimportant .. or secondary .... just different

I was always free to seek other relationships ... and did have a few during those years... but I was more than content with what I recieved and still consider this not only one of the most sucessful relationships of my life but also one of the most healthiest and nurtureing.

I never desired to have the conections she had with him .. I never desired to be wife and mother .... and she never desired many of the D/s components of his and my relationship...... I think this and teh fact we all respected and loved each other, was an important part of our sucess... there was no 'replacement' possable ... and no jealousy of what each was given and enjoyed ... of course there where times when I wanted more time or she wanted this or that or he wanted this or that ..... but that happenes no matter what types of relationships ... at the time I was working 80 hour weeks ... and he would have loved for me to have more free time to play and explore ... but my job was not something to be jealous of, just as his time with his wife was not something I would be jealous of

He and I did have certain restrictions based on his agreements with his wife..... and he and I created rituals and supportive interactions based on our own relationship ..... all of these helped keep things in harmony and perspective. If something did cause an issue .. it was discussed and all ideas, needs, reactions where respectfully and gently delt with .... sometimes this changed how and when interactiosn where done .. mostly it was just a learning and growth .. an understanding of our own needs.

So yes we had ideas of how things should happen .. for example ... who should call when .... but emergancies or real needs always overrode the general agreements... because those phone calls .. or such where never a 'hidden jealousy' issue or such they where real situations that needed dealing with ....

They had spent a great deal of time bringing themselves and their relationship to the point where he could seek other relationships... but they also had a very realistic expectation that life is always changing and bringing new challanges and situations so they always considered communication, honesty, respect and loveing care was more important than a set rule and they had a perspective of trust between each other .... that boiled down to if they did feel hurt or threatened or upset by something that it was never an intentional harm by the other .... they always remained in love and loveing in their hearts towards each other

They had one of the most amazing and supportive relationships I have ever been fortunate enough to be touched by, and I still consider myself honoured to have been part of their lives and they of mine. The things I learned about loveing, healthy, nurturing relationships from them will stay with me the rest of my life

(in reply to AAkasha)

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