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a lil help plz - 5/1/2008 7:47:22 AM   
LordnLadyDrago


Posts: 7
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: Colorado Springs, CO
Status: offline 		As a long time married couple. Me sub, him dom we have fallen farther into the lifestyle, however I am having a hard time getting him to take his time. He seems more interested in just getting off and nothing more. any suggestions? Anyone?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: a lil help plz - 5/1/2008 8:36:17 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

any suggestions? Anyone?


communicate with him, respectfully, is the best this slave can come up with.

quote:

...Maybe I am a switch being more dominate relationship wise and less so sexually...
snipped from profile
 
it is this slave's experience that being less dominant than another, still makes one dominant.  it isn't really about the label, though...the crux of the issue is more about the actions/reactions of the relationship participants.
 
perhaps he would be willing to let you assert control from time to time.  many subs/slaves here report that sort of structure in their Dom/sub or Master/slave relationship.
 
it is rare to come across folks here who find peace, comfort and joy in being always submissive to/with their relationship partner, regardless of self-applied label.  just because that works for them under the label they have applied to it, doesn't mean it is something others should strive for, when that isn't their path or expression of true self at all.
 
best wishes!

< Message edited by Mercnbeth -- 5/1/2008 8:37:01 AM >

(in reply to LordnLadyDrago)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: a lil help plz - 5/1/2008 8:44:13 AM   
TreasureKY


Posts: 3032
Joined: 4/10/2007
From: Kentucky
Status: offline 		Your question is really very vague... are you saying that he is only interested in his sexual release and doesn't appear to be concerned about your enjoyment and satisfaction?

I suppose it doesn't matter in the long run; he's either selfish or unaware of your needs.  In both cases, my recommendation would be the same.  Talk to him. 

Just remember that you cannot change someone else... you can only change yourself or your circumstances.

(in reply to LordnLadyDrago)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: a lil help plz - 5/1/2008 8:47:34 AM   
OmegaG


Posts: 1474
Joined: 10/23/2007
Status: offline 		I have to admit, I looked at his age and thought "well that's just about right".

Communication is really key.  Guys don't really know that women tend to burn slower then they do unless they are told.

And I'll share my Toby Keith ear worm:

I ain't as good as I once was
I got a few years on me now
But there was a time, back in my prime
When I could really lay it down
And if you need some love tonight
Then I might have just enough
I ain't as good as I once was
But I'm as good once as I ever was"


_____________________________


Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. Sydney J. Harris

Sex without pain is like food without taste.
- de Sade

(in reply to LordnLadyDrago)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: a lil help plz - 5/1/2008 8:49:27 AM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		Try suggesting activities that won't lead to immediate getting off for him. Try working him into the mood instead of expecting him to work you up into the right mood. Try sensual massages, role play something that will get him interested in seeing more instead of blowing a load.
It's been my experience that if the male counter part just isn't interested in an activity he gets his pleasure and moves on to an activity that IS interesting... so try to make the play more interesting to him and maybe he'll spend more time interacting. Of course this goes in conjunction with, communication.

Talk to him about it, and try to come up with ideas to keep you both happy.

(in reply to TreasureKY)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: a lil help plz - 5/1/2008 9:27:21 AM   
Daddyslilpookie


Posts: 498
Joined: 3/3/2008
From: OC, California
Status: offline 		I said it before and I will say it again Communicate. You have to communicate what you want to him your needs that is. He isn't going to read your mind, men just don't do that. You have to tell him what you want, and maybe jusy maybe he will get the hint. Good luck to you.

_____________________________

Princess Andie


"A Woman Loves Only Her Master"

(in reply to LordnLadyDrago)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: a lil help plz - 5/1/2008 12:06:43 PM   
phoenixinchains


Posts: 2534
Joined: 4/5/2007
From: i live here
Status: offline 		code words. my Master likes me to "fight" at times, others He doesn't, so we use code words for when He wants me to do this and when He doesn't. figure out a verbal cue for "i need more time",,, and if i know your Master, take a trip to a park or talk during a drive so He's not distracted by all the daily goings on in the house.
hope this helps- the phoenix up the road

_____________________________

OWNED BY CHAOSFORGE.
purrfectly happy slave of Chaosforge.


http://www.myspace.com/phoenixofchaosforge
devotee of CM gods and mods

(in reply to Daddyslilpookie)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: a lil help plz - 5/1/2008 12:47:09 PM   
LordnLadyDrago


Posts: 7
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: Colorado Springs, CO
Status: offline 		Thank you everyone for the suggestions. Communication has been made multiple times but the thought of his boredom never doned on me. I think I will t spicing things up  bit, life in genera has been hurried and boring for us boh. Thank you.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: a lil help plz - 5/1/2008 1:07:18 PM   
phoenixinchains


Posts: 2534
Joined: 4/5/2007
From: i live here
Status: offline 		*hugs*

_____________________________

OWNED BY CHAOSFORGE.
purrfectly happy slave of Chaosforge.


http://www.myspace.com/phoenixofchaosforge
devotee of CM gods and mods

(in reply to LordnLadyDrago)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: a lil help plz - 5/1/2008 2:34:32 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		There are good books out there of which The Loving Dominant (by John Warren) is one.

He may not have an understanding that WIITWD can involve the engagement of both partners.
Sometimes this is portrayed in more of a Me Dom(me), you sub way where the total focus is on their wants/needs/pleasure...for that specific dynamic to work that has to be in line with the subs wants/needs/desires.

So once you know what your wants, needs and desires are it is your responsibility to communicate the information effectively.

(in reply to LordnLadyDrago)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: a lil help plz - 5/2/2008 3:50:27 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LordnLadyDrago

As a long time married couple. Me sub, him dom we have fallen farther into the lifestyle, however I am having a hard time getting him to take his time. He seems more interested in just getting off and nothing more. any suggestions? Anyone?

Sounds like a monster has been created.  IE, he's learnt that a dom doesn't hafta ask (or beg) for oral sex anymore....
 
It's never pretty dealing with someone drunk with new found power.  Me thinx a "time out" might be in order so you can discuss wants, needs, goals & expectations etc - ALL of the mutual variety.
 
Focus. 

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to LordnLadyDrago)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: a lil help plz - 5/2/2008 4:02:21 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		You need to make it clear how very unhappy you are. Because if you are resentful about this, then it will poison the relationship. If he can't be a husband and a dom, then perhaps it's time to return to relating as equals, for the sake of the family.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: a lil help plz - 5/2/2008 6:55:47 AM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		If I may,

There is a possibility that Sex IS what this lifestyle is about for him. I call it the "Slap'n'Tickle" approach to Kinky Sex. Many guys get this way too, and usually it stems from the fact that the GIRL was so excited to try the BDSM lifestyle that she dragged the BOY along for the ride and once he got there he discovered a world he precieves as KINKY SEX and she precieves as EVERYTHING ELSE.

I ask you ........... Who introduced the other to it? I am making an assumption it was you who discovered it first. I assume this because you are the one unhappy with the situation. (In my experience the two go hand in hand) SO I will ask you, What part of your fantasy is he NOT following? How is he NOT taking his time? Is it because once he's spanked you a few times and tied you down he simply wants to Fuck you Stupid and then roll over and fall asleep or possibly ask you for a sandwich?

This is common....... At least in my experinece where the Guy is going along with something his partner is interested in and He could take it or leave it.

My wife for instance ........ She could take or leave the lifestyle, For all that she does this is NOT for her the same passion that it is for me. I have come to accpet this and realize that because this isn't the only way to live for her I have to respect that and find the balance.

Have you ever asked him flat out if he is only doing this because you are into it? You might be suprized or then again maybe you already know the answer to this question.

In closing I only wish to state that the question I hear in what you are asking is How do I get my Man to do what I want and still remain submissive to him? the answer is you don't. Either you learn to enjoy what you are getting or you run the risk or Topping your Dom. The question is how strong in the D/s Relationship. I again assume that the Marriage is Strong as it is a Long Time Marriage as you say, but how strong is the Dom sub relationship how much time have you put into it or did you assume that the connection you have as a married couple would simply cross over into the Dom sub relationship?

Some food for thought.

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: a lil help plz - 5/2/2008 7:36:30 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		John Warren is on the forums a lot. The next time you see him ask him.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: a lil help plz - 5/2/2008 11:07:30 AM   
faerytattoodgirl


Posts: 5824
Status: offline
quote:

He seems more interested in just getting off and nothing more.


isnt that the typical male?


_____________________________

I did not reply to your cmail.
I am flawed.
Imperfect.
MUST SPANK!!!
SPAAAAAAAANK!!!

(in reply to LordnLadyDrago)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: a lil help plz - 5/2/2008 11:31:52 AM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: faerytattoodgirl

quote:

He seems more interested in just getting off and nothing more.


isnt that the typical male?



With all due respect Faery, How would you know?

I see you Bash guys a lot, sometimes generalizing us a LOT and even if you are saying it only in the nature of a good jibe I have to ask...... why do you dislike men so much?

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to faerytattoodgirl)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: a lil help plz - 5/2/2008 11:33:44 AM   
YourDomNow


Posts: 4170
Joined: 1/24/2008
From: originally TX, now PA
Status: offline 		Im gonna have to agree with Steel....100%..
a very untrue statement

_____________________________

..........its not what you think, its what I know

~~M

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: a lil help plz - 5/2/2008 11:38:15 AM   
faerytattoodgirl


Posts: 5824
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

quote:

ORIGINAL: faerytattoodgirl

quote:

He seems more interested in just getting off and nothing more.


isnt that the typical male?



With all due respect Faery, How would you know?

I see you Bash guys a lot, sometimes generalizing us a LOT and even if you are saying it only in the nature of a good jibe I have to ask...... why do you dislike men so much?

Steel


ok if i was bashing men i would be on mod.  as it is against TOS. 

i was making a joke...but i think maybe you could not take said joke.  maybe you need to simply ignore me.

in fact that last statement was a QUESTION "Isnt that the typical male?"


< Message edited by faerytattoodgirl -- 5/2/2008 11:39:03 AM >

_____________________________

I did not reply to your cmail.
I am flawed.
Imperfect.
MUST SPANK!!!
SPAAAAAAAANK!!!

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: a lil help plz - 5/2/2008 11:47:31 AM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: faerytattoodgirl

ok if i was bashing men i would be on mod.  as it is against TOS. 

i was making a joke...but i think maybe you could not take said joke.  maybe you need to simply ignore me.

in fact that last statement was a QUESTION "Isnt that the typical male?"



I send this on the other side as that is not what this thread is about and I am sorry to derail the thread by asking my question.

Faery you will have mail soon.

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to faerytattoodgirl)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: a lil help plz - 5/2/2008 10:04:52 PM   
phoenixinchains


Posts: 2534
Joined: 4/5/2007
From: i live here
Status: offline 		How about you and i hang out in a couple of weeks, when my Mate has gotta go out of town. i've not had this issue, but sometimes just venting can cause you to realize the root of the problem. There'll be brownies...

your wicked friend~

_____________________________

OWNED BY CHAOSFORGE.
purrfectly happy slave of Chaosforge.


http://www.myspace.com/phoenixofchaosforge
devotee of CM gods and mods

(in reply to LordnLadyDrago)
Profile   Post #: 20
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