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transitioning from vanilla to slave - 5/4/2008 10:54:33 AM

Ellsa

Posts: 37
Joined: 6/16/2007
From: minnesota
Status: offline

I would like to ask about transitioning into being an owned slave for the first time. How "ready" were you? What mistakes did you make? How did old vanilla habits interfere and how did you work through them? What were your Dom's expectations?
If you knew now what you didn't know then what would you have changed...

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RE: transitioning from vanilla to slave - 5/4/2008 11:53:27 AM

abcbsex

Posts: 478
Joined: 3/29/2008
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I do not consider myself an owned slave though one goal that I have for myself is to become more service oriented. I know that I'm too stubborn and too much of a feminist (equalist, if the term existed) to try to serve completely all of a sudden, so Alpha and I have set up "slave days". They are days that I don't have any other obligations where I can focus solely on him and his pleasure, and usually I am rewarded at the end of it all with a back-rub or something pleasant like that. Maybe for you, it would be a good idea to arrange for these "trial" days, then increase them until it becomes like a habit. I tend to get really resentful if I'm the one doing all the cleaning, cooking, etc.(without gratitude or acknowledgement), so be prepared for that if it's not how you've functioned in your vanilla relationship. I would talk about your expectations with your owner before even embarking on this journey, and make sure they are willing to rethink things as you go along.

Best of luck!

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I was trained at MasterLordDarkness' Center for Subs Who Don't Serve Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too.....

but it needed to be at least.... four times bigger.

(in reply to Ellsa)

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RE: transitioning from vanilla to slave - 5/4/2008 12:15:06 PM

mzbehavin

Posts: 253
Joined: 1/15/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Ellsa
If you knew now what you didn't know then what would you have changed...

I would have learned to love myself more and be confident enough to give myself a break.
I went in with ideals and notions that were unrealistic then tried to fit myself and my SO into some utopian configuration that just didnt work. My best outcome was to realize i didn't have to define myself by anyone elses ideals. Also, to not define Him by my own ideals.
100% Acceptance.
It's not black and white (BDSM) and crystal prisms show refractions of colors beyond modern perceptions/definitions.
The colors are so beautiful...
The shadows, the light...
Of course some people need more defined parameters.
I no longer feel bad that i don't. Best wishes xoxo

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There's never really a good time for the whole Man to Beast thing...Just kind of~Whaum! and hope for the best...
ToTo from The O.Z.

(in reply to Ellsa)

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RE: transitioning from vanilla to slave - 5/4/2008 12:26:48 PM

Bound2One

Posts: 614
Joined: 1/11/2008
Status: offline

Hi, Ellsa.

I'm in the midst of my 'transformation' now. I've been Master's for about five months now. I should note for the discussion that we are not 24/7. While I've had a few D/s playdates or short-term relationships, this is my first serious, loving relationship, so there is a huge learning curve. Master has been very patient with me, both in explaining what his desires are and what it is he wishes of me. I was ready. I had been searching for a man like Master for what felt like a long time - probably a good year or so, so when I found him and we clicked and I realized what a match it was, I was definitely ready. By the time I met him I had learned what it was that I was looking for, and what sort of man I needed as my Dominant, so that when I found him, it was easy to know.

One of my biggest vanilla habits that tries to creep in is, well, I don't quite know what to call it. I found it hard at times to 'find my place' as his submissive, and not to argue back during a discussion. While he has no problem listening to my concerns and answering my questions, it must be done respectfully, without arguing, in a proper tone. There have been times that I had a hard time keeping my place. Not so much recently - as I've grown with him in this relationship, this has gotten easier. I found that in keeping my place and being respectful, he was very responsive and loving and helpful to whatever it was that I needed. My needs were met when I was in my place. This is primarily, I think, what helped me. The final decision is Master's, and on occasion, that can be difficult to accept, but it is getting much easier.

As for mistakes ... yes, I make them, and he corrects me. Lately, the mistakes I make are the ones that are careless, unthinking kinds of things - forgetting to do something he's requested of me or not doing something in the way that he asked it be done. These are mistakes that I make while in my place as his submissive. Before, I'd make mistakes that both of us felt were my struggling *with* my submission and struggling to find my place as his owned property. That's definitely progress for me.

As for his expectations ... these are always expanding, I think. Sometimes it feels like I've just found my footing and I discover that he wishes more of me. I think that's the nature of our relationship, though. Growth. For the most part I find that very stimulating and exciting. I like forward motion.

I hope this makes sense and helps!

(in reply to Ellsa)

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RE: transitioning from vanilla to slave - 5/4/2008 3:24:18 PM

clearlightblack

Posts: 107
Joined: 3/3/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Bound2One

One of my biggest vanilla habits that tries to creep in is, well, I don't quite know what to call it. I found it hard at times to 'find my place' as his submissive, and not to argue back during a discussion. While he has no problem listening to my concerns and answering my questions, it must be done respectfully, without arguing, in a proper tone. There have been times that I had a hard time keeping my place.

I was in a similar relationship..........and i had similar problems. My Master kind of thru me into it...he told me once out of the blue after Christmas......It was sort of SURPRISE :) It was really kind of scary at first but i just gave myself over to it because I adored him.

I had a lot of problems with "remembering my place." Before I was his slave, my Master and I were friends and we had heated discussions and I tended to raise my voice and yell when I wasn't winning....my tone was a major thing we had to work on. But I got better, I'm definetly not perfect but I am doing a lot better.

It was good that he was so patient and was good about telling me when I was forgetting my place or I was doing something incorrectly.

quote:

ORIGINAL: mzbehavin

.....would have learned to love myself more and be confident enough to give myself a break.
I went in with ideals and notions that were unrealistic then tried to fit myself and my SO into some utopian configuration that just didnt work. My best outcome was to realize i didn't have to define myself by anyone elses ideals. Also, to not define Him by my own ideals.

These were big things I dealt with that I would change.....

I never understood why he chose me....and i kept harping on that because of my low self esteem.....why, why why...made him so frustrated.....In the end I learned, he loved me and craved me. He desired and wanted me as his slave and that was all and that should have been enough. I kept second guessing myself and inaffect him. I went 2 steps forward and then would take 4 steps back. I would trust in his decision to be with me and love myself oh so much more.

I would also try and keep my thoughts and "fantasies" of our relationship, in my mind and in my journal rather than trying to pout my way into getting him to be the "master" i thought i wanted.....rather than just let us be......I was a shit...

....man i wish i had been better behaved.....would have made things a lot better.

Major vanilla habit.....trying to change him.......and "forcing" him to do huge romantic things that I knew he wasn't use to....like sending Valentine's or you know actually remembering its Valentine's Day. He was very nice with me dropping hints but I was such a pest....

But you live and you learn.....I am a better person because of all of this...and i have a better understanding of me.........

(in reply to Bound2One)

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RE: transitioning from vanilla to slave - 5/4/2008 5:24:28 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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It depends- being an owned slave could mean nothing really changes- your master could like you exactly as you are and want things to work pretty much as they already do.

But from my experience, even if the relationship starts immediately as Master/slave, it takes a few years for the relationship to become fully realized, internally, and have that strong core within itself.

Though it really depends on how you both mesh together, how much he wants to change your pre-owned self and how deeply ingrained those particular things hinge within your identity.

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(in reply to clearlightblack)

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