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What is this that one has to 'offer'? - 5/4/2008 9:30:43 PM

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I am getting confused here, and hope to find some clarity, so feedback will be very much appreciated, TIA.

I have read in a few posts that one of the things that should be defined is what 'you have to offer' into a relationship. What is this offering that everyone refers to? Is there something or an idea I am missing when I read such advice, I am uncertain. Cause I am a tad in the dark here, are you speaking about material possessions, personality, _____? Thanks again.

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RE: What is this that one has to 'offer'? - 5/4/2008 9:40:25 PM

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Usually it means what you're willing to do for/with them. Often it comes with an attitude of entitlement and expecting the other person to "prove themselves worthy."

While I think it's good for someone to recognize who they are, what they can bring to the table and make sure they know what the other person brings to the table, it's really just a matter of relationship dynamics. When people worry too much about any one particular aspect of the process, it usually means something is out of balance.

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RE: What is this that one has to 'offer'? - 5/4/2008 9:42:36 PM

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It means a lot to me.

Self control-self realization.

Useful skills and talents that will benefit a relationship.

I need to be able to offer the same.

No one rides for free.

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RE: What is this that one has to 'offer'? - 5/4/2008 9:49:31 PM

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Basically, they're asking why they should invest time and effort with you, and also how much you seem to be willing to put in yourself. It's not really a very imaginative question to ask, and any answer you can give would be of limited usefulness anyway, since you can't really anticipate what kind of relationship you might get into with someone.

But that's what they're asking.

quote:

ORIGINAL: aleshaDreams

I have read in a few posts that one of the things that should be defined is what 'you have to offer' into a relationship. What is this offering that everyone refers to? Is there something or an idea I am missing when I read such advice, I am uncertain. Cause I am a tad in the dark here, are you speaking about material possessions, personality, _____?

(in reply to aleshaDreams)

RE: What is this that one has to 'offer'? - 5/4/2008 9:52:21 PM

TemptingNviceSub

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It basically is what LA said...I have been asked this question a few times..I respond with..I offer nothing but myself ,and if and when such an offer is made, he will know all I have to offer without a laundry list of accomplishments, he will see something that will resonate within him about me.I think such a question is a bunch of bull hockey...and basically rather insulting...anyone who asks such a question however should be prepared to return the same info...Tempting

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RE: What is this that one has to 'offer'? - 5/5/2008 3:21:14 AM

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It's an opportunity to take an inventory of yourself, your personality, your talents, your attitude, your desires.

Think of a realtionship as a dish you are cooking/baking. If all you have to offer is cinnamon, you need to seek out dishes where cinnamon would enhance the flavor, not spoil it. What each has to offer are those attributes which would enhance the relationship. Since each realtionship is different, it's important to know if your attributes would enhance that specific relationship. A quirky sense of humor might be great for one and be an annoyance to someone else. It's important not to try to modify your core to what you think others want, but to find relationships where your attributes will be a benefit to that relationship.

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RE: What is this that one has to 'offer'? - 5/5/2008 4:57:43 AM

robertolapiedra

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Hello aleshaDreams. Uhhh...can you make coffee?

Is this what would be considered something to offer? there is a difference between a
Geisha making tea in a tea ceremony and somoene just pouring hot water on a tea bag.

What someone has to offer in a relationship is complicity, devotion, care, appreciation, passion, intellect,
loyalty, desire, focus, discipline, spirit, art and poetry in everyday living and in all little things. Skills are nice
but highly over rated. Love is the best. Love of self, others and life. RL.

(in reply to aleshaDreams)

RE: What is this that one has to 'offer'? - 5/5/2008 5:43:27 AM

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Okay just a fast reply cause I have to get going here. I appreciate all the responses and thought the same that everyone has mentioned. It is the balance and attitude that one brings or offers as the whole.

Robertolapiedra: yes I can make tea, but no I don't know how to do it the Geisha way. *sighs* I have so much to learn, and anticipate the day when I have that opportunity to do so. Thank you kindly for your response and everyone that has responded. Your responses confirmed what I needed clarity on. :)

(in reply to robertolapiedra)

RE: What is this that one has to 'offer'? - 5/5/2008 5:58:36 AM

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So now it comes out. No one rides for free. Leatherist is a Pro.

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RE: What is this that one has to 'offer'? - 5/5/2008 6:05:14 AM

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Everyone has something to offer to enhance the dynamic of a relationship. I see the question as being presented by someone who wants to know if what can be offered will enhance his/her life in a way he desires.

And I believe it's a two way street, while he's evaluating what I have to offer, I'm also evaluating what I would recieve in return.

I feel I have alot to offer the right person, but I'm just eco-centric like that.

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(in reply to Dnomyar)

RE: What is this that one has to 'offer'? - 5/5/2008 6:41:38 AM

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I do know how to serve tea. However, except for having learned that, not one man has asked it of me. I figure this idea of "what do you have to offer" has less to do with what you have learned and more to do with a question to prove you are worth the time. BUT.. as I said, not one man I have played with has asked me to serve tea. Some skills that might seem romantic, beautiful to us, mean jack squat to another. My x likes his tea iced, in a 52 ounce styrofoam cup with three packs of sweet and low. It is his real, and practical desire. Seems kind of silly to go through a ceremony to get there. So my "skill" was of no value, except to have learned it.

When someone asks me what I have to offer, I tell them, me. Someone with intelligence, creativity, and the insatiable desire to learn new things for the rest of my life. If they don't want that, I wouldn't want them either.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: aleshaDreams

Okay just a fast reply cause I have to get going here. I appreciate all the responses and thought the same that everyone has mentioned. It is the balance and attitude that one brings or offers as the whole.

Robertolapiedra: yes I can make tea, but no I don't know how to do it the Geisha way. *sighs* I have so much to learn, and anticipate the day when I have that opportunity to do so. Thank you kindly for your response and everyone that has responded. Your responses confirmed what I needed clarity on. :)

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to aleshaDreams)

RE: What is this that one has to 'offer'? - 5/5/2008 6:54:08 AM

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Hi, alesha.

I think people both ask and answer the question from different perspectives.

The first time I was asked the question was a very long time ago. I thought before it was asked that the marvelous "gift" of my submission would/should be instantly met with gratitude, wonder, joy, excitement and complete acceptance. The question and resulting dialog caused me to understand that I was discussing entering a relationship in which all parties bring something to the table. It was a humbling experience, but a good one, to be asked to consider what exactly I was bringing. In the process, I discovered that I didn't have what this particular man needed and wanted, and I excused myself from the process.

More recently, I have posed the question to myself as a periodic reality check to evaluate my current response to a man that I have been involved with for years. At the moment, I offer and have had accepted unlimited support as he goes through a very challenging time and am honored to be temporarily offering a base of operations and my bed to sleep in (every night! YAY!). In the past, I have offered and had accepted my passions, love, acceptance, humor, intelligence, submission, masochism, blood, and a joyous appreciation for the adventurous, fun loving and devilish eight year old that lives within him. I also know what I can not offer, and that may be as important as what I can.

Every one who asks will possibly be asking a different question. If the perspective from which you answer it is similar to that of the one who asked it, you're likely on to something. But if one of you has a focus on bank balances and vehicles and the other is speaking to the depth of your soul's devotion and your capacity to love, you may not have a fit. However, I think the question is an important one to ask and answer. It gives an indication of what each person values in a relationship.

Examination of oneself is seldom a bad thing. As with most exams, though, the reasons it was called for and what you do with the test results are probably more significant.

(in reply to aleshaDreams)

RE: What is this that one has to 'offer'? - 5/5/2008 7:00:50 AM

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What do you have to offer.

Are you a worthless piece of Shit? DO you think you are a worthless piece of shit? Then you probably ARE a worthles spiece of shit.

Harsh?

Perhaps but I come into a relationship knowing and admitting that I am flawed, but also knowing what I am and that I am willing to be consistent in that. I am not perfect but I am willing to be the best me that I can be from the beginning.

Some people remain hurt and try to get into a relationship still dealing with the last one thier heart and mind is split between two different people. What are they bringing to the table? What do they really have to offer but a Half assed attempt.

It is true that I say you should take risks but this comes with the risk of letting go of past hurts to move toward a better and brighter future.

Don't offer yourself to me and keep some of you for your Past Pains because I don't want PART of the package, If I am to take responsibility of you I want to know that I have all of you. So to me this that one has to Offer is that they offer me thierself in entirity, not a half assed version where they get to blame me once again as being a guy who leaves them when they were never all mine to begin with.

To me that is what is ment when I ask what someone has to offer. Are they willing to give me ALL of them because I am willing to give you all of me.

Steel

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(in reply to Missokyst)

RE: What is this that one has to 'offer'? - 5/5/2008 7:16:21 AM

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I have mostly seen that phrase used by female dommes. Please understand how mind-numbing it can be to read 50 kajillion emails about what the writer wants, not about you. It's an attempt to reset things, so the emailer thinks about something besides his physical urges.

That phrase can get misinterpreted. I posted recently about the Asian domme I dated last year. She showed me her Alt inbox at one point. A man had written her -- an oral surgeon -- and in his first email, he sent his photo, the name of his business and his phone number. When she did not reply, he sent a followup letter about the houses he owned. She asked for my opinion of the situation, starting out by saying, "That's really unattractive to me. All he can do is brag about how rich he is."

What RobertoL mentioned is far more important than money.

And, Missokyst? My favorite food is tea.

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Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
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RE: What is this that one has to 'offer'? - 5/5/2008 8:24:28 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: robertolapiedra

there is a difference between a
Geisha making tea in a tea ceremony and somoene just pouring hot water on a tea bag.

However if he wants a cup of tea in the morning when he wakes up, he would be highly displeased to wait 45 minutes while she did a Japanese tea ceremony. Especially if he doesn't like green tea.

Like others, I find it a stupid question except for the fact that anybody who would assume that only the sub has to produce things of value is someone I'm not interested in. To that effect I approve of people who talk like that in their profiles, it allows you to put them on block immediately and not ever waste time with them.

There are a lot of people who think that when you're into BDSM that suddenly you don't have to have relationship skills. That they only have to declare themselves dominant and they can get everything they want without giving anything back.

I prefer looking for compatibility. If no anger problems is a must for you, then focus your conversations on determining that first. Make sure that the stuff you need is there, and the stuff you can't handle isn't. And look for adults who also know that kinky sex is the least of what happens in a relationship so that the relationship is based on more than who flogs whom.

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(in reply to robertolapiedra)

RE: What is this that one has to 'offer'? - 5/5/2008 8:31:09 AM

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Missokyst. No sugar in my tea please. You will serve it topless of course incase I need something to stir it with. A Japanese tea ceremony is a nice experience.

(in reply to DesFIP)

RE: What is this that one has to 'offer'? - 5/5/2008 9:09:23 AM

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LOL..
I am a no sugar in my tea type myself. There is only one problem with the cermonail tea service and being topless.. Asian women tend to have smaller tops that do not brush the cold tabletop as they are leaning over to pour.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

Missokyst. No sugar in my tea please. You will serve it topless of course incase I need something to stir it with. A Japanese tea ceremony is a nice experience.

(in reply to Dnomyar)

RE: What is this that one has to 'offer'? - 5/5/2008 9:15:17 AM

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Holey smokes yes.
A friend of mine had a master in her life for nearly a year. His requirement was a daily (at least) BJ. In the beginning the play was a mutual thing. Toward the 4th month it was pretty much, he would get the BJ and be happy till the evening BJ. He ceased to stimulate her in any way, believing that his pleasure should be hers. She talked to him about it and things would change for a while. But it would always revert to his pleasure was supposed to be it. After all, he was the master. When they broke up he went around calling her a bad slave. And she took the slave part out of her self description.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

There are a lot of people who think that when you're into BDSM that suddenly you don't have to have relationship skills. That they only have to declare themselves dominant and they can get everything they want without giving anything back.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to DesFIP)

RE: What is this that one has to 'offer'? - 5/5/2008 9:17:23 AM

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The statements made against the What do you have to offer question have some merit when the other person is not willing and able to answer the exact samequestion to you.

If I ask what do you have to offer, I'm looking for similarities and differences that compliment or oppose each other, in you and in myself. I expect that you will have the same type of questions. What do I have to offer you? So that you can make the same evaluation.

Edited to add it also tells me how broadly the person defines service (as opposed to how I might define it) as well as telling me what motivates the person to be in a D/s relationship.

< Message edited by Archer -- 5/5/2008 9:20:10 AM >

(in reply to Missokyst)

RE: What is this that one has to 'offer'? - 5/5/2008 11:39:58 AM

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~fr~
What do I have to offer? I offer me - and all that means.

I am: compassionate, romantic, passionate, creative, etc., etc. The list could go on ad infinitum. But rather than create a CV or resume for the 'position' of sub or Dom, engage the other person in communication and show them the essential you. They can see for themselves what you have, and the qualities they are looking for, if you possess them, will shine through to them.

pip, first contacts should not be like job interviews

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(in reply to Archer)

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