RE: "Will you do it tonight sir? I'm tired."

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RE: "Will you do it tonight sir? I'm tired." - 5/12/2008 10:35:24 AM

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Cali I agree with Aqua it depends on the sub. Me personally with out the birth control im on have an extremely heavy flow(tmi but at least 6 or 7 super plus's a day) that last for 10 to 12 days( It finally 9...) would lighten up by day. By day 5 Id be exausted, and with cramps cant leave bed. It doesnt matter how much one wants to please sometimes Its just not possible... But I fixed the problem and if I get into such a situation its my own damn fault for not getting my shot on time...

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(in reply to antipode)

RE: "Will you do it tonight sir? I'm tired." - 5/12/2008 10:57:21 AM

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From: St George Utah
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~~FAST REPLY~~

quote:

ORIGINAL: uniquecouple2123

Hi all, my name is Bill. I am the D in a brand new D/s relationship. When my current girlfriend Devin and I met only just over a month ago neither of us were even mildly interested in BDSM or D/s. Just a little rough sex here and there. Since then we have found that we love and enjoy the BDSM scene and the D/s relationship.

But Devin is a very rebellious submissive and is adjusting to being submissive since before she met me she was the dominant partner in all her other relationships. She has times where she is insolent and I correct her and sometimes she is angry and sometimes she is content but I am always consistent.

Last night after a nice spanking and a little more fun I told her to put up her blanket and get the bed ready to go to sleep. She said she was tired and asked me to do it in a very respectful way. I told her no that she would have to do it she whined for a bit but I did not give in and she eventually did it.

My question is, is it alright for me to relent and do it myself sometimes or do I have to be steadfast so i can be consistent. After I did it, even though afterwards she seem to appreciate my positive affection for her eventually obeying me, I felt kind of like an asshole and thought maybe I was being too harsh.

What do you guys think?

Okay change the names and this is my Marriage so I'll lay down what I have learned.

In a 24/7 it is okay to make something her chore and expect her to get it done EVERY DAY without fail. However it is also okay to do it for her and just let it be done. It is okay to do things when she asks because you aren't changing the dynamic you are just being a good guy.

HOWEVER,

With andi sometimes this backfires and if you do it a LOT then she begins to see this particular activity as being YOUR NEW JOB and since she knows you will do it all she has to do is ask sweetly. So Yes you can do it but it is equally okay to continue to require her to follow through.

There are times when the activities I have for andi in relation to raising our child get to be too much for andi and well at times like this I will break down and jump in and just get the jobs done that need to be done and offer constructive ways to keep these tasks from getting out of hand in the future and I am usually willing to do this indefinantly until I start to notice a Pattern and then I try to fix the patters if I notice it is a certain chore that she dislikes that she is letting get away from her that becomes the first thing she needs to finish in the day or I will have her do that particular chore while I am there so I can see what is causing the Main issue.

Truth be told I have come to learn that for andi it is the idea that she is the Only one doing things that causes her to revert back to the Take control side. No one that I know of likes to be the only one doing anything to maintain order. I find it is just as important to be willing to do all those same duties and to show her that I am willing and will do those things from time to time. It gives her the desire to keep doing them as well.

At least that is in my experience anyway.

Your Mileage may vary.

Steel

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(in reply to uniquecouple2123)

RE: "Will you do it tonight sir? I'm tired." - 5/12/2008 11:22:20 AM

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quote:

Well to be fair it is also her time of the month.

I wish I could use that excuse to get out of stuff.

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- Albert Einstein

(in reply to SteelofUtah)

RE: "Will you do it tonight sir? I'm tired." - 5/12/2008 11:25:24 AM

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From: California
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I'm not going to attribute a situation to the OP that he did not give us himself. He said she was on her period, that's all. He didn't say she was lying on the floor with cramps, or that she couldn't get out of bed, or anything like that, just that she was tired. And even with a severe period, you still have to get up and go to the bathroom occasionally, so you CAN stand up and walk (or hunch over and stumble). I would think she wouldn't have had the session/playtime that he described if her situation was so dire that she couldn't straighten the sheets or whatever needed to be done to the bed.

My take on the whole thing (and someone recently told me my perceptions are a bit skewed, so take this with a grain of salt), is that she is newly exploring D/s and it sounds cool when the fun times are here, but when it's time to submit for the not-so-fun stuff she hasn't got that part down yet. Not that we would expect her to, necessarily, being so new. Gawwwd, this sounds so one-twue-wayish, and that's not what I mean at all. Aaarrrggghhh.

Cali

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(in reply to hopelessfool)

RE: "Will you do it tonight sir? I'm tired." - 5/12/2008 12:33:26 PM

uniquecouple2123

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Youre right about her resisting submission somewhat. She is getting used to the ideas and testing my boundaries. But now that I think about it after she did it she seemed to be very happy that she satisfied my demands and I didnt give in.

I guess this has a little bit to do with the way I feel about treating her harshly. I naturally have a dominant personality and I enjoy the dynamic of our relationship but at the same time sometimes I feel like an asshole and I question whether or not something is wrong with me for enjoying something like this. Im sure these are feelings that will pass with time and experience and even now they never stop me from diving in head first.

(in reply to CalifChick)

RE: "Will you do it tonight sir? I'm tired." - 5/12/2008 1:16:27 PM

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quote:

I didnt give in.

I would suggest you don't give in. If you do you'll have the job of seeing submissive who manipulates you.

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“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to uniquecouple2123)

RE: "Will you do it tonight sir? I'm tired." - 5/12/2008 2:15:46 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: uniquecouple2123

Youre right about her resisting submission somewhat. She is getting used to the ideas and testing my boundaries. But now that I think about it after she did it she seemed to be very happy that she satisfied my demands and I didnt give in.

I guess this has a little bit to do with the way I feel about treating her harshly. I naturally have a dominant personality and I enjoy the dynamic of our relationship but at the same time sometimes I feel like an asshole and I question whether or not something is wrong with me for enjoying something like this. Im sure these are feelings that will pass with time and experience and even now they never stop me from diving in head first.

Don't worry sugar, you're going through something a lot of "new" dominants or "new to a D/s relationship" dominants go through.

My own Master went through the same thing and still does to some extent. He went through the "but I love you and don't want to hurt you" phase and He still struggles sometimes when He needs to get more firm or harsh with me. And even though I am submissive by nature to a dominant man I am in a relationship with, I still find myself "unintentionally" testing His boundaries.

It's not gonna be perfect, but just keep doing what makes you happy. Oh and keep communicating with her as you both take this journey together.

Best of luck to you both and

to the forums!

(in reply to uniquecouple2123)

RE: "Will you do it tonight sir? I'm tired." - 5/12/2008 6:15:44 PM

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Seems to me that a lot of this is just working out the kinks of how far you want this to go. I know that you probably know this, but I feel compelled to say it anyway.

Please, please constantly be on guard for signs that the transition to a D/s relationship is not quite what she thought it would be, and that she really isn't happy with how things are going. There are a lot of things that Dominants do to submissives that, if done without absolute assurance of consent, are considered abuse. If you love her, be especially careful of her feelings... and your own.. during this transition period. You'll both be glad you did.

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)

RE: "Will you do it tonight sir? I'm tired." - 5/12/2008 6:18:34 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

I'm not going to attribute a situation to the OP that he did not give us himself. He said she was on her period, that's all. He didn't say she was lying on the floor with cramps, or that she couldn't get out of bed, or anything like that, just that she was tired. And even with a severe period, you still have to get up and go to the bathroom occasionally, so you CAN stand up and walk (or hunch over and stumble). I would think she wouldn't have had the session/playtime that he described if her situation was so dire that she couldn't straighten the sheets or whatever needed to be done to the bed.

My take on the whole thing (and someone recently told me my perceptions are a bit skewed, so take this with a grain of salt), is that she is newly exploring D/s and it sounds cool when the fun times are here, but when it's time to submit for the not-so-fun stuff she hasn't got that part down yet. Not that we would expect her to, necessarily, being so new. Gawwwd, this sounds so one-twue-wayish, and that's not what I mean at all. Aaarrrggghhh.

Cali

My thoughts exactly, Cali. Someone else said it may seem as if she is testing the waters. If she pushes and you give in now, then she'll push again and again .. as long as you keep giving in.

(in reply to CalifChick)

RE: "Will you do it tonight sir? I'm tired." - 5/12/2008 11:28:45 PM

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The one thing that caught my attention, is that you said she seemed to appreciate your positive affection for her eventually obeying you.   This something that is very important to be consistent with as well.

Yes, you will have your moments when you will feel like an asshole or that you are being too harsh.

You two are still feeling things out between one another.  You are actually taking the time to reflect upon things and this is good.

(in reply to uniquecouple2123)

RE: "Will you do it tonight sir? I'm tired." - 5/13/2008 1:57:39 PM

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Bill,

The firm and absolutely uncontovertible answer to your question is.... it is a crapshoot. Believe me, I know exactly how you feel. You tell her to do something and she says "no". If you force the issue and tell her to do it anyway, you risk feeling like, as you say, an "asshole". On the other hand, if you say "That's ok dear, let me get it this time", you are being inconsistent and creating a chink in your armor that she will likely see as weakness. Either way, you feel doomed. Given that your relationship is likely very different from mine, my answer is far from a perfect example of what you should follow. In fact, it might even be disastrous to your reltionship. However, answer I shall, from my own perspective.

As others have said here, the tired thing is a bit sketchy. If she is tired as in laying in bed twisting in agony from cramps, then by all means, get the damned blanket, then get her something to make her feel better, rub her feet, massage her belly, attend to her hurt. At that point, I don't care about my "position" or "title". Someone I love, the most important person on the face of the earth is hurting; I will do anything I can to ease her suffering and let her know she is loved beyond any parameter of BDSM or D/s.

On the other hand, if she is just "I am comfy in bed and don't feel like doing what you asked", that is something very different. It is nothing more or less than rebellion. Rebellion is a problem. If you allow it into a D/s relationship, then you no longer have a D/s relationship, what you have is a kinky sex life. Ironically, I happen to believe that rebellion on major issues is far more forgiveable and acceptable on big issues: I want her to have a child and she doesn't; I want her to quit her job and stay home but she likes working and feels more complete by the definition it gives her life; I want to move to the canadian Rockies but she wants to stay in civilization where she can be close to her sick grandmother. These "rebellions" are not a rebellion of my authority, but the reality that she will use her own brain where life altering matters are concerned. I do not punish her or get angry for her disagreement with me on such matters. On the other hand, something as minor as putting a blanket away is not something that warrants rebellion. The fact that she chose a "passive" means of expressing her rebellion, by couching it in nice terms and a respectful manner simply means that I would couch my first response in an equally endearing manner. She would put the blanket away. If she persists in her rebellion, then a note would be placed in her little book and Saturday morning we would discuss it in a manner that was not at all passive.

The above is my way of seeing things, others see them very differently. I simply lack the intelligence or the empathy to know exactly when something I perceive as rebellion or manipulation is intentional or not. Thus, I deal with it consistently and I am sure that I am frequently wrong. However, my lass seems to feel that the consistency makes up for my lack of perfect knowledge.

(in reply to Owner4SexSlave)

RE: "Will you do it tonight sir? I'm tired." - 5/13/2008 3:39:20 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: uniquecouple2123

Hi all, my name is Bill. I am the D in a brand new D/s relationship. When my current girlfriend Devin and I met only just over a month ago neither of us were even mildly interested in BDSM or D/s. Just a little rough sex here and there. Since then we have found that we love and enjoy the BDSM scene and the D/s relationship.

But Devin is a very rebellious submissive and is adjusting to being submissive since before she met me she was the dominant partner in all her other relationships. She has times where she is insolent and I correct her and sometimes she is angry and sometimes she is content but I am always consistent.

Last night after a nice spanking and a little more fun I told her to put up her blanket and get the bed ready to go to sleep. She said she was tired and asked me to do it in a very respectful way. I told her no that she would have to do it she whined for a bit but I did not give in and she eventually did it.

My question is, is it alright for me to relent and do it myself sometimes or do I have to be steadfast so i can be consistent. After I did it, even though afterwards she seem to appreciate my positive affection for her eventually obeying me, I felt kind of like an asshole and thought maybe I was being too harsh.

What do you guys think?

I would have done the exact same thing, only because she asked me to do it after Id told her to do so. A rebellious submissive is full of excuses, so dont be manipulated by a soft tone or respectful request once youve made your wants known. Like a kid, if you give a rebellious submissive an inch, she will try to take a mile and before you know it, you might be serving her. However, when I want to, in my time and manner, Im willing to show my sensivitive side and be very affectionate. On occasion, I have even bathed my submissive.

Good luck and be consistent. Doing things for her is just fine, when you are the one initiating the behavior.

My $0.02,

LBO

(in reply to uniquecouple2123)

RE: "Will you do it tonight sir? I'm tired." - 5/13/2008 4:40:15 PM

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These are some very good answers! I think most everything was covered, but one thing that stands out in my mind, beyond what has been discussed is the word... whine.

Even considering it is a new relationship and both are new to bdsm, a whine in an adult isn't a good sign to me. Be upset, feel I have demanded too much, talk respectfully, get over it and just do it, these and then some... all are fine in one way or another, but to whine... well.. unacceptable to me.

I would set some terms in a little sit down talk... the kind you really need a lot of even more so when new and go over the way things should be handled. You might consider what is to happen if she has different degree's of tired or sick or just not in the mood. That way when you have this established, you know with a quick word, what she is able to do.

There is everything right in making allowances or helping out... but a whine indicates a coping measure that might not come from a very good place.

Good luck to you both and I hope you have a great time! Isn't it fun?

(in reply to LeatherBentOne)

RE: "Will you do it tonight sir? I'm tired." - 5/13/2008 6:18:50 PM

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Consistency is respectable, but how hard is it to make a bed, or get it ready or whatever it was regarding a bed. The hardest thing involving a bead should be moving it.

Stand steadfast, there is a difference between showing a small token of affection and falling for the puppy dog eyes routine. This time I would say it was the latter.

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RE: "Will you do it tonight sir? I'm tired." - 5/13/2008 6:33:38 PM

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It's one thing if I'm really, really sick or hurting. But for a Dom to give in to a "whine" as its been called, is not right in my book. I would begin to lose all respect for Him. He's my Dom for a reason. But then I'm not a sickly woman, so I can't remember a time of not being able to do what I was supposed to do. So maybe I'm reading it differently that it really was.

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RE: "Will you do it tonight sir? I'm tired." - 5/14/2008 8:04:47 PM

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If you feel like indulging her, and do so because that's what you want to do, then you're still the D in the relationship. He has no problem pulling the covers up over me if I crash or if I'm sick or stressed out. Doing things for someone you care for is essential in a good relationship. If you always refused to ever do anything for her, I doubt she'd stay with you long. Most people have bad days and need their partner to care for them.

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RE: "Will you do it tonight sir? I'm tired." - 5/14/2008 9:55:36 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

If there is something that is her job, something she is expected (and expects) to do then there are only two reasons I will do it for her... she is too ill and I have confined her ass to the sofa to rest up...

This is how my Master is with me. He will make me stay put and not do anything, if He feels i am too sick or injured to be up (and i hate it) but, i have to do what He says. Also, one time, when i was fairly new to His home and had done something i shouldn't have, He punished me by not allowing me to serve Him in any way for 3 days, which really was the worst possible punishment for me. The only other time that i am told not to do my work is on Mother's Day. It does bother me when i see Him doing something that i should be doing for Him but, i accept it when He chooses to do something Himself. i, for one, would never, ever say that i was "too tired" to do something, no matter how tired i might be. For me, it's a matter of pride to fulfill my duties as diligently as i possibly can.

To the OP: It's your relationship. It's up to you and your girlfriend to decide how you want things to work. If you want to give her a break, for any reason, that's your choice. You shouldn't need permission to decide to let her have a night off. If it doesn't bother you to make the bed or turn it down at night then, it shouldn't be a big deal if you choose to do that. If doing it causes you to resent your girlfriend for not doing 'her job', then doing so might end up hurting your relationship. It's really something you have to decide.

Also, relationships, like people, grow and evolve (sometimes, any way) and, the two of you are in a very new relationship. On top of that, the two of you are making a pretty big change in your relationship by taking it into the realm of D/s. It will probably take some time for the two of you to adjust to this and get to a point where you have found what works well and what you are both comfortable with. There are no 'hard and fast' rules about how a D/s relationship "should work".

joy
Owned servant of Master David

(in reply to uniquecouple2123)

RE: "Will you do it tonight sir? I'm tired." - 5/15/2008 5:44:32 AM

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There's something else that occurs to me. Is she service oriented? Because if you're into service while she's into emotional transparency then you will have this happen a lot. Have you discussed service? Is it a major drive for both of you?

Me, I'm not driven by service or obedience. Doesn't make me a bad sub, just a bad match for anyone who is into wiitwd for these reasons. Makes me a good one for The Man, because he's in this for the emotional transparency just as I am.

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RE: "Will you do it tonight sir? I'm tired." - 5/15/2008 6:34:03 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse
If there is something that is her job, something she is expected (and expects) to do then there are only two reasons I will do it for her... she is too ill and I have confined her ass to the sofa to rest up... or... I have her already busy doing something else and I also want whatever it is doing NOW... given she can't be in two places at once I'll do it Myself... which sometimes draws little calls of 'but i can do it in a minute" leading to Me pointing out that Masters do have arms and are more than capable of making Their Own damn coffee *g*

Master also has that mindset and this girl lets Him know how much He is apperciated when those situations occur.....those times are sometimes upsetting...the desire to serve over rides common sense....

pettingdragons
**Master Dragons considered slave**

(in reply to RavenMuse)

RE: "Will you do it tonight sir? I'm tired." - 5/15/2008 8:10:06 AM

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If you are firm, and it is within her ability and means to do, I wouldn't consider it assholish at all. I value consistency above all else. In that particular situation, even if I was very tired and I asked my partner to do the task, and was still made to do it, I don't think I would mind really. It's all about context.
If my Dominant demands I do something, and says he doesn't CARE that I am tired and hurting, then I would find it assholish. If he asks me to do it despite that I am tired, because he knows I can, then praises me for putting in the extra effort (I like that too, positive affection) then it would feel like an accomplishment, not a chore.

Ultimately it all depends on how your girl responds to 'exceptions' that you make for her. she may see them as kindnesses you do for her and be greatful, or she may take advantage of them, this is something only you can really judge since you are in the relationship with her. Whatever gets the results you both desire for your relationship, is what you should persue. It certainly doesn't make you 'undomly' to be kind to her or to do things for her at times. It is a partnership after all, give and take. So long as you are both happy and reaching your mutual goals, all is well.

(in reply to antipode)

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