slaverosebeauty
Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline
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Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
pint of beer or five, a pint of whisky on the weekend, you're even
around in the holidays, or hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.
However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your
influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-girl/boyfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from
me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 minutes to get the front
door key into the lock.
4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for a previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B,bread products, aspirin) prior to going to
sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor, fully clothed with a
jack daniels and coke on the side, the hangover should be minimal & in
no way interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday 3pm (pre -happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you, Your biggest fan
P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. British Constitution 3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Thanks, but no I'm happily married. 2. Nope, no more beer for me. 3. No Kebab's are just not tasty enough Thank you! 4. no i think i will have just the one drink and be home at 11:00 5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 6. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing .
_____________________________
http://slaverosebeauty.livejournal.com/
"Friends live on in our hearts, regardless if they are here or not."
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Dear Alcohol.... - 
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