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How did you get here? - 5/17/2008 9:10:11 AM

Reigna

Posts: 334
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

I've long observed that dominant women tend to start out as submissives, or at least as switches, and that submissive men often start out as doms. Obviously there are plenty of exceptions, but in general does this align with your observations? Why do you think it is, and what happened to get you where you are now? My assumption is that men and women start as they do simply because it's so obvious

that women are submissive and men are dominant. People's activities change as they gain experience and learn what their own preferences actually are.

I started as a switch. Over time, I realized that I ended up absolutely loathing every dominant man I played with. (I did learn some good tricks from a couple of them, though!) My relationships with submissive men always were far better. Nowadays, one sure way to piss me off is to offer to dominate me.

How about you?

Post #: 1

RE: How did you get here? - 5/17/2008 9:29:39 AM

BRNaughtyAngel

Posts: 1821
Status: offline

I think you're gonna find a whole lot of contradictions to your observations.

Some people do go through periods of trying to figure out who they are.

But there are just as many who know who they are from an early age and embrace it.

Still there are others who had something or someone spark something previously untapped inside them..... and away they go.

(in reply to Reigna)

Post #: 2

RE: How did you get here? - 5/17/2008 9:45:11 AM

Shawn1066

Posts: 987
Joined: 10/7/2007
Status: offline

I started out as a Submissive. I've always known it, and I embraced it fully all of my adult life. Of course, I became a slave when my Owner told me I was hers.

DV's Fox

(in reply to BRNaughtyAngel)

Post #: 3

RE: How did you get here? - 5/17/2008 9:49:35 AM

michaelOfGeorgia

Posts: 4253
Status: offline

i took a wrong turn at Albuquerque.

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Post #: 4

RE: How did you get here? - 5/17/2008 10:51:14 AM

faerytattoodgirl

Posts: 5824
Status: offline

my parents had sex with a faulty condom....well..it was 1969

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Post #: 5

RE: How did you get here? - 5/17/2008 11:36:17 AM

aidan

Posts: 904
Joined: 5/28/2005
Status: offline

Nah, I didn't start with any inclination towards being a dominant, and I've never had any desire to cross over. I always wanted to be the one kneeling and serving and occasionally crying from almost unbearable pain.

And most of the dominant women I've known have not come from being submissives first. For the most part they knew from the beginning they wanted to be in charge.

_____________________________

Do what now?

"I aim to misbehave."
-Mal Reynolds

(in reply to Reigna)

Post #: 6

RE: How did you get here? - 5/17/2008 11:46:15 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

I've always been a top. I have bottomed very heavily, for a variety of reasons, but I have exactly zero wiring for submission. I look at ladies like BSB, and my head EXPLODES, swear to god. I have so much respect for that kind of versatility!

My reasons for bottoming? First, because I have to know what things feel like. Second, for the physical challenge~~also I have this thing where I don't like to give an order that I couldn't take myself.... this is a bad reason for bottoming, believe me! Excellent way to get hurt. Third, I wanted to get one of those subspace experiences. No luck. I am not an endorphin producer.

I am the only daughter in a ethnic household. I was *raised* to serve. I am very good at it, it was a good basis for life in general, and I am very very glad that I don't have to do that kind of thing anymore.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to aidan)

Post #: 7

RE: How did you get here? - 5/17/2008 1:03:26 PM

Reigna

Posts: 334
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

Wow, I must know some really odd people.

Oh.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 8

RE: How did you get here? - 5/17/2008 1:12:05 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Reigna

Wow, I must know some really odd people.

Oh.

You're on here, that goes without saying~

But it's a world of folks, and we all find our paths differently.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to Reigna)

Post #: 9

RE: How did you get here? - 5/17/2008 2:46:25 PM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

Reigna,

How did I get to recognizing where I'm most comfortable (role-wise) in BDSM? I started, at a very young, tender age, with dreams and fantasies of interactions that where very clearly BDSM-ish. At the time, I had no name for this and I also didn't know that the way I envisioned myself was submissive. It simply felt like a comfortable, natural place to be. Later on, as I learned about and explored BDSM, I identified as a submissive. Somewhere much, much later, I experimented with being a dominant and did this for quite a few years. The top side of things, while fun, just didn't feel natural for me. Thus, through reading, communicating with others, and a lot of my own life experience (on the bottom, in the middle, and on the top), I came to realize that I'm a submissive. This is the place where I'm most comfortable and where I'm most effective for my partner, and it is the only place that connects with my innermost soul.

As for dominant women starting out as submissives and submissive men starting out as dominants, I don't concur with your observations, or rather, these observations don't correlate with my own. My experience and observation has been that people learn about BDSM in many different ways. Some identify with a particular leaning immediately and have no need to sample anything else. Others sample different roles and find where they fit best. And others still (me for example), have a very good idea where they fit at the outset, but still sample roles before settling into a particular role. Switches find comfort on both sides of the fence and there are a myriad ways they come to this conclusion.

Your assumption that men start as dominants (because they are naturally dominant) and women start as submissive (because they are naturally submissive) doesn't pan out in any daycare or early childhood education centre that I've been to. I've met young girls who are incredibly, naturally dominant and boys who are very naturally submissive. Each child / person is totally unique. I will agree with the following though... once society brainwashes girls and boys with societal norms, it is difficult for either sex to break from convention. That said, all of us are proof that people often do break societal convention and are better off for this.

Elan.

(in reply to Reigna)

Post #: 10

RE: How did you get here? - 5/17/2008 2:59:34 PM

DominantJenny

Posts: 645
Joined: 4/6/2008
Status: offline

FR

I've actually seen quite a few female submissives that I thought would be happier and better off as dominants, but I never saw any of them switch.
I've seen quite a few dominants who bottomed (or claimed to have) in the "that's how you learn to be a good top" tradition, and I once experimented with subbing myself mostly for that reason. Hated it. Don't think that tradition is correct.
I haven't personally known any dominants that switched, either. (Always excluding, you know, actual switches here.)

(in reply to ElanSubdued)

Post #: 11

RE: How did you get here? - 5/17/2008 3:09:06 PM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Reigna

I've long observed that dominant women tend to start out as submissives, or at least as switches, and that submissive men often start out as doms. Obviously there are plenty of exceptions, but in general does this align with your observations?

sorry i clicked ok before replying

to answer you, OP. i didn't start off as a submissive until i met Daddy. my pet is a Dominant with others however whenever he's with me, he's such a pain slut. in my observation it's how i'm wired and connected with certain people. some i can connect as a submissive and others i immediately take charge.

< Message edited by sambamanslilgirl -- 5/17/2008 3:13:33 PM >

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...

...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to Reigna)

Post #: 12

RE: How did you get here? - 5/17/2008 3:14:42 PM

Hippiekinkster

Posts: 5512
Joined: 11/20/2007
From: Liechtenstein
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: faerytattoodgirl

my parents had sex with a faulty condom....well..it was 1969

Man, that was a great fucking year for moi. What an eye-opener.

(in reply to faerytattoodgirl)

Post #: 13

RE: How did you get here? - 5/17/2008 4:09:27 PM

ShaktiSama

Posts: 1674
Joined: 8/13/2007
Status: offline

Never have been submissive or tried to be submissive, although I have certainly tried to deny or put aside my need to dominate from time to time.

I have also tried bottoming, but that's because I'm greedy, and I was suspicious that the bottoms in BDSM really are having all the fun! (This actually turns out to be true, according to most of the subs and masochists I have known, actually...but as it so happens, bottoming in BDSM is fun that I am unable to get into. My body and mind cannot do the necessary trick.)

Fortunately I have not had trouble attracting submissive partners over the years, so--s'all good. Apparently I'm a good top.

_____________________________

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

(in reply to Hippiekinkster)

Post #: 14

RE: How did you get here? - 5/17/2008 4:50:07 PM

aidan

Posts: 904
Joined: 5/28/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ShaktiSama

I have also tried bottoming, but that's because I'm greedy, and I was suspicious that the bottoms in BDSM really are having all the fun!

It's the little trade secret we don't like to get out. Have to keep the sadists and such thinking we're in misery.

"Oh please Br'er Domme, don't throw me in that thar thorn patch." >_>

_____________________________

Do what now?

"I aim to misbehave."
-Mal Reynolds

(in reply to ShaktiSama)

Post #: 15

RE: How did you get here? - 5/17/2008 6:00:12 PM

MsStarlett

Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline

How I became what I am is far to personal. I've told parts of this story before in other threads. Let's just say that I was FORCED into the submissive mold totally against my will and my nature. Once I broke free and learned to take the reins in my own hand... there is no turning back.

_____________________________

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

(in reply to aidan)

Post #: 16

RE: How did you get here? - 5/17/2008 6:16:29 PM

michaelOfGeorgia

Posts: 4253
Status: offline

maybe it was Kalamazoo...hard to say since my compass is broken and doesn't point North

_____________________________

Are we having fun, yet?

(in reply to MsStarlett)

Post #: 17

RE: How did you get here? - 5/17/2008 6:27:04 PM

christine1

Posts: 6155
Joined: 12/15/2007
From: i'm headed to HIM...
Status: offline

i'm with you MissS...my compass doesnt' point north either, mine points inside.

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i am woman! er, godzilla! hear me roar!

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He's the "boom" overwhelming...

He is my Master, my lover, my best friend my everything.

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Post #: 18

RE: How did you get here? - 5/17/2008 8:09:58 PM

Reigna

Posts: 334
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominantJenny

I've actually seen quite a few female submissives that I thought would be happier and better off as dominants, but I never saw any of them switch ... I haven't personally known any dominants that switched, either.

Not sure how you're using the term "switch" here, but it sounds like you do NOT mean "switched roles depending on the mood and energy of the moment." It sounds like you mean "switched roles more or less permanently." Yes? If so, funny how the view changes from one person to the next--this really is not what I see. As I indicated in my initial post, I know lots of people who started in one role and ended up, more or less permanently, in the opposite role. Confirmation bias, maybe.

quote:

I've seen quite a few dominants who bottomed (or claimed to have) in the "that's how you learn to be a good top" tradition, and I once experimented with subbing myself mostly for that reason. Hated it. Don't think that tradition is correct.

I agree; old-schoolers won't agree. The topic of whether a person should start on the bottom probably is worth another couple of dozen threads, at least; but for myself, if I had it to do over, I wouldn't.

< Message edited by Reigna -- 5/17/2008 8:14:58 PM >

(in reply to DominantJenny)

Post #: 19

RE: How did you get here? - 5/17/2008 9:48:23 PM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

I started off Domme and stayed that way. I was 19 years old and decided to tie up my sleeping boyfriend lol and things just progressed from there. I bottom occasionally as I find it can be theraputic, especially having my bad back flogged. But I do not do it often, I much prefer being the one administering the floggings

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to Reigna)

Post #: 20

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