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Respect - 7/22/2004 8:20:41 PM

Posts: 1
Joined: 7/21/2004
Status: offline

I have read a lot of profiles by Dominants complaining about subs not answering emails and thought at the time it must be due to the fact that the doms must have been crude, insincere or just rude but I am now wondering about that. I have also emailed a number of subs and have been honest, sincere and respectful yet not ONE has even emailed me back to say NO. To be honest, I hate to agree with the Doms against my own sex but have to wonder how a sub can ask for sn HONEST, respectful Dominant when SHE does not show those traits to anyone else.

RE: Respect - 7/22/2004 10:35:32 PM

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Joined: 7/22/2004
Status: offline

Speaking purely from the male dominant position, I'd say it was a fact of life that many fem subs get so much e-mail that always expecting an answer is unrealistic. HOWEVER, I find it amusing that so many submissives will even ignore an e-mail when it is a respectful, clear request for more information. Not even a "Thank you for your request, but I feel that you are not what I am looking for."

I've experienced it myself. You find someone who looks like they might be a good potential match, send them a nice letter telling them so, asking them about themselves, tell them a little about yourself and interests - yet they never respond. Seems sort of rude, doesn't it? I'm not talking about a "Hey B*^CH, get on yer knees and call me Master" e-mail; those sorts of idiots deserve to get ignored.

Here's my advice... Don't worry about it. You can't make people act nice. You can't judge their intentions, even when they post a profile that makes them sound so delectable (and in fact, that's probably why they aren't answering - they've caught the attention of billions of potential matches). In essence, it boils down to this: Would you really want a relationship with someone who won't answer your mail?

OTOH, would it kill all you submissives out there to either a) change your profile if you are no longer looking, or b) write a little form letter that you can cut & paste in a reply ("Sorry, but I won't be responding to you because either I'm too lazy or you're not my type")?

Just my thoughts.

(in reply to tearsofaSlave)

RE: Respect - 7/29/2004 9:44:35 AM

Posts: 292
Joined: 5/23/2004
Status: offline

Though it is my way to send a quick note - I have found that is not sufficient for some. More than once, I have received a reply questioning my note (of rejection?).

A couple of months ago, I was generally busy - work, kids, and a host of unexpected problems and, on top of this, preparing a party. I received a note from what looked to be an interesting gentleman and responded that I was really busy, but I'd get back to him as soon as I could. I sat down a couple of days later to a stuffed inbox - I received several emails from him of the I'm still waiting variety. I made a concilitory reply to which he responded that I was obviously not a real sub and it is more obvious we would never get along if the response time is indicative of my casual dealings with potential masters. Holy cow!

More recently, I have begun dating and am hoping and hopeful. I will send a note indicating that I am not comfortable communicating with intent while seeing this person - though it seems the common method to keep going until there is a level of certainty, I am not comfortable with that. However, with a couple of exceptions, I get replies in which it seems that my polite note was not read at all. If I am sitting at the computer and I have the time, I have no problem sending a quick response, and new acquaintances are a good thing, but I have already said thanks but no thanks. That is not a annoying as the responses which inform me that if I am not interested then I should take off my profile, I am leading men on and being a tease - again Holy cow!

I do send a response, it usually takes little time. Though it is rude to not send a response, I am coming to the conclusion that it is easier. The message is obviously more clear.

newflowers

(in reply to tearsofaSlave)

RE: Respect - 7/29/2004 12:06:15 PM

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

I do send a response, it usually takes little time. Though it is rude to not send a response, I am coming to the conclusion that it is easier. The message is obviously more clear.

Legend in His/Her own mind sends a polite note to a submissive.

submissive, trying to juggle Real Life with the 231987120347012937412 messages in their inbox, is unable to reply within the .02 nanoseconds that LIH/HOM wants a respectful reply.

LIH/HOM perceives submissive as being rude and not really serious about D/s.

Hrm.

I am not interested in a relationship with somebody who is so easily upset. People
who spend their entire time trying to get their partner to walk on eggshells just dont
interest me. Been there, done that, have a drawer full of t-shirts.

On the other hand, I refuse to treat my partners the same way. If I feel X about some
action, I will calmly state that I feel X about some action, and if it needs to be worked
out I will leave my baggage at the door and have a nice conversation seeking a
resolution to my issue.

I imagine that this is mostly the case with Male Dominants contacting female submissives, or male submissives contacting Female Dominants, but I dont really
have any empirical evidence to support my conclusion.

It is completely about respect. A person who would try to beat down their partner does not respect that person's basic humanity.

Just me, could be wrong, but there you go.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to newflowers)

RE: Respect - 7/29/2004 8:06:18 PM

jillwfsub4blkdom

Posts: 375
Joined: 7/2/2004
Status: offline

i personally try to respond to all my email as soon as i receive it. i figure if S/someone took the time to write to me the least i can do is reply.

jill

(in reply to Sinergy)

RE: Respect - 7/29/2004 8:14:37 PM

Posts: 544
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tearsofaSlave
To be honest, I hate to agree with the Doms against my own sex but have to wonder how a sub can ask for sn HONEST, respectful Dominant when SHE does not show those traits to anyone else.

I don't see anything dishonest or disrespectful about choosing not to respond to email. My profile VERY clearly states that I'm not looking and yet I still get email propositions. Some are very polite. Some are less so. And I'm not obligated to respond to any of them. I may choose to, but choosing not to doesn't say anything about me other than I choose not to.

I decide where and how to spend my online time, and if I feel it's a better choice to spend it posting in the forums or reading CNN.com to see the convention coverage, or surfing vegetarian recipe websites, rather than answering email (even well written, sincere, polite email), then that's my choice to make.

_____________________________

-- Sherri

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

(in reply to tearsofaSlave)

RE: Respect - 7/29/2004 8:31:50 PM

Posts: 544
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: newflowers
Though it is rude to not send a response, I am coming to the conclusion that it is easier.

Easier I can agree with, but I don't agree that it's rude to choose not to respond. I've sent rude emails (to people who I felt deserved them, and I decided that it was a good expenditure of energy to vent some venom in their direction). There's a difference between that and no response at all, at least in my books.

There are a lot of valid reasons why people might not respond to email. There was a thread about this a few months ago that had some very good explanations (and some significant whining from people who didn't get the responses they wanted). In fact, I think there have been several threads about it.

Also consider that while the initiators of the contact may believe that they're a great match for the person in question, the recipient may not feel that it's what s/he is looking for. MOST of those emails in our inboxes come from people who believe there's some potential, though. You're (generic you) not the only one who's spent time and effort on an email. There were likely 10 or 20 others that same day who felt there was the potential for a match and also sent an email.

Responding to every one of them is a significant investment in time. It's not just a matter of sending a "no thanks" note. Before saying "thanks but no thanks", the recipient has to read the email, likely spends some time reading the profile and journal, perhaps searches the forums for posts by that person, and decides if s/he might be interested. How else is s/he going to decide if the person is someone s/he might want to correspond with?

When I get emails that say "Loved the pic!" I can toss off a reply that says "thanks" with little effort. But if I'm looking for a partner then I'm going to spend some time researching (to whatever degree possible) the person who sent the email and forming opinions about whether or not s/he is someone I might like to get to know better. That's an investment of time and energy that people don't seem to consider when they expect an answer to every email that finds it's way into someone's inbox.

Bottom line: women get bombarded with email and it's not likely that they are going to respond to every one. Some may, but most won't. That's reality and not likely to change. It's not rude; it's just practical time/energy management.

_____________________________

-- Sherri

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

(in reply to newflowers)

RE: Respect - 7/29/2004 9:16:45 PM

Posts: 631
Joined: 7/12/2004
Status: offline

Its hard sometimes to reply to all the e-mail. i remember the first night i joined i was so overwelmed with e-mail i could barely keep up with reading them much less answering them all. After first couple days (and removed my pictures) it has slowed down to just couple a day so i do try to answer all the e-mails i recieve unless they are just totally rude.

i am still fairly new and i can remember asking one Dom i was talking to about answering all these e-mails. i was really worried about comming off as rude if i did not answer them. He had told me not to worry about it but it is something that i feel bad about if i do not answer them. i always try to have a lot of respect for Doms (others in general) until they prove they don't deserve the respect.

i'd really like to hear more thoughts on this subject.....

_____________________________

~Subspace is my perfect paradise vacation from busy-mind... blessed be to the Dominant who can stamp my ticket there.~

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away"

(in reply to tearsofaSlave)

RE: Respect - 7/29/2004 10:35:11 PM

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Easier I can agree with, but I don't agree that it's rude to choose not to respond. I've sent rude emails (to people who I felt deserved them, and I decided that it was a good expenditure of energy to vent some venom in their direction). There's a difference between that and no response at all, at least in my books.

I used to (SAY IT ISNT SO!) involve myself in email fights and flame wars on boards, although this was back in the 1980s. What I generally discovered is that most of the people I heaped venom on would respond back asking what the words peurile or cretin or obstreperous meant, which would tend to deflate my withering barrage of putrid verbal effluence heaped upon their miniscule intellect.

I guess I came to the conclusion that the sort of person who really deserved to be responded to with venom probably was not intellectually capable of comprehending what I sent, and not really erudite enough to respond.

Although, what really said it to me was Lao Tse, who wrote "One enemy is too many." and the words of Patrick Swayze (Roadhouse) "Be nice, until it is time to not be nice"

I have not heard it is time to not be nice yet.

But that is just me, and I could be wrong, but there you go.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to subbiejenn)

RE: Respect - 7/30/2004 12:05:49 AM

Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline

quote:

I heaped venom on would respond back asking what the words peurile or cretin or obstreperous meant, which would tend to deflate my withering barrage of putrid verbal effluence heaped upon their miniscule intellect.

Searching for my dictionary! Sinergy, do you really think someone who doesn't know the meaning of "obstreperous" has a miniscule intellect? Four years at Stanford and one yr of grad school and i don't know that one, but will look it up.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to Sinergy)

RE: Respect - 7/30/2004 2:33:50 PM

Posts: 292
Joined: 5/23/2004
Status: offline

quote:

i always try to have a lot of respect for Doms (others in general) until they prove they don't deserve the respect

In my submissive women's group, we recently have had a discussion about respect. There are some women who believe that all people, regardless of who they are, deserve automatic and immediate respect. I disagree.

There are some women who believe that each and every person who claims dominance is automatically and immediately entitled to respect. Again, i disagree.

This seems to be specifically applicable if one is a submissive - to not give respect in this manner calls into question one's submissive nature - or claim to said nature. Not wishing to promote a discussion of the real dom domly/sub subbie, please stand up, I disagree.

Within and without of this lifestyle, among members of the human race and those who are close facsimiles thereof, there are "good" and (shall I equivocate and say) "less good" people. I adhere to the belief and act that all people are deserving of common courtesy regardless of title, status, or station. I do not believe that it is possible to offer sincere respect to another one does not know.

I submit that courtesy and respect are two completely different things.

newflowers

(in reply to subbiejenn)

RE: Respect - 7/30/2004 2:46:29 PM

perverseangelic

Posts: 2625
Joined: 2/2/2004
From: Davis, Ca
Status: offline

Some e-mails simply don't give you anything to respond to.

I recently got one that went something like

"Hello slave,
I am moving to Las Vegas in a month
Master"

I live in Northern California and have no idea what the heck that e-mail was supposed to mean to me. I think it's the first I didn't respond to, but what was I supposed to say?

_____________________________

~in the begining it is always dark~

(in reply to newflowers)

RE: Respect - 7/30/2004 5:07:23 PM

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

live in Northern California and have no idea what the heck that e-mail was supposed to mean to me. I think it's the first I didn't respond to, but what was I supposed to say?

You could respond back with.

(Not my) Master
You can gamble and consort with prostitutes legally in Las Vegas.
Good luck!
(Not your) slave

Although I personally suspect the person would have a hissy fit.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to perverseangelic)

RE: Respect - 7/30/2004 5:13:37 PM

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

In my submissive women's group, we recently have had a discussion about respect. There are some women who believe that all people, regardless of who they are, deserve automatic and immediate respect. I disagree.

Hello,

I have issues with the word "deserve" in this statement.

Im not sure anybody technically "deserves" anything. Life, as Douglas Adams once wrote, is a WSOGMM, or Whole Sort Of General MishMash, and one has little control
over the hand one is dealt and there may/may not be any meaning or reason for any of it.

On the other hand, I trained for years from a martial arts instructor who was one of the kindest, softest voiced, strongest willed, respectful individuals it has been an honor to know, and I try to pattern my own personal behavior on his.

He never showed the slightest disrespect to anybody, even argumentative, belligerent dumb-asses walking in to show off and prove that their 6 week study of Hu Flung Doo at the YMCA made them a better martial artist than somebody who had been doing it from the age of 6 in Korea. I give people respect not because I think they do (or dont) deserve it, I give people respect because it makes me feel good inside to do so.

Could be wrong, but there you go.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to Sinergy)

RE: Respect - 7/30/2004 5:43:20 PM

Posts: 544
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sinergy
I give people respect not because I think they do (or dont) deserve it, I give people respect because it makes me feel good inside to do so.

My mileage, obviously, varies.

My respect is earned, and *to me*, handing out generalized respect for just anyone would belittle what I give to the select few who have shown that they are indeed worthy of it. It would not make me feel good inside to reduce something significant to the commonplace in my life. No, that wouldn't make me feel good at all. Common courtesy? Yes. Respect? No.

It's much the same way I treat friendships. I have a very select group of friends - people who are significant in my life. I have a great many acquaintances, but to classify them in the same group as those who have proven their dedication to me and their value in my life would feel like denigrating some people who are very special to me.

Considering someone an acquaintance isn't an insult, at least not to me. It's just a differentiation from those who are more significant to me - my friends. The same goes for respect. Not handing it out willy nilly isn't meant to insult those who get simple courtesy from me; it's a comment on the significant people who I'm privledged to feel respect for.

I don't think of it as "lowering" some people to the status of not deserving respect. I think of it as elevating a select few people. Big difference, at least through my filters.

And that's about as vertical as my thinking ever manages to get.

_____________________________

-- Sherri

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

(in reply to Sinergy)

RE: Respect - 7/30/2004 9:50:37 PM

jillwfsub4blkdom

Posts: 375
Joined: 7/2/2004
Status: offline

newflowers,
i think in part it depends on how Y/you were brought up. i was taught basically to respect E/everyone until given a reason not to.

jill

(in reply to SherriA)

RE: Respect - 7/30/2004 9:55:39 PM

Posts: 544
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: jillwfsub4blkdom
i think in part it depends on how Y/you were brought up. i was taught basically to respect E/everyone until given a reason not to.

I was taught to be courteous to eveyone until given a reason not to (and then to take the high road and STILL be courteous, make them look like assholes). I was taught that respect was something that was earned.

Mileage obviously varies.

_____________________________

-- Sherri

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

(in reply to jillwfsub4blkdom)

RE: Respect - 7/31/2004 5:30:56 AM

Posts: 1633
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

The complainer is usually a male master. (Or should I say one who claims to be a male master?)

As a female sub your deleted messages are probably of the "Get on your knees, bitch" variety.

As a male sub they don't demand sex. They demand money.

I see no problem not responding to unsolicited messages from people who want things you won't give. The difference between "Thanks, but no thanks" and silence is so miniscule it is not worth preserving when "Thanks but No Thanks" may be met by "persistence".

Oh, this may not be a universal male sub thing, but Gorean males can stop writing me to tell me how much of a putz I am. I don't go to your chat rooms, please don't PM me because this links to my account. (Seriously, what do you expect? I'll decide I'm a Dom and will tell Lady Becket to get on her knees? or maybe I'll get a sex change operation and write you back? [Apologies to LadyBeckett although I don't see the need to apologize for theorizing what others might want me to do.])(Note: there are plenty Goreans sensible enough to not waste their time PMing me. I'm not writing of them.)

_____________________________

When the Lady smiles i can't resist her call. As a matter of fact, i don't resist at all. Well that depends if it is a smile or a grimmace.

(in reply to tearsofaSlave)

RE: Respect - 7/31/2004 6:36:02 AM

Posts: 130
Joined: 6/23/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sinergy

quote:

In my submissive women's group, we recently have had a discussion about respect. There are some women who believe that all people, regardless of who they are, deserve automatic and immediate respect. I disagree.

Hello,

I have issues with the word "deserve" in this statement.

Im not sure anybody technically "deserves" anything.

"Use every man after his deserts [Ed: what he deserves], and who should 'scape whipping?"
- Hamlet II.ii

(in reply to Sinergy)

RE: Respect - 7/31/2004 7:36:21 AM

Posts: 105
Joined: 7/11/2004
Status: offline

I don't think it is rude to not respond to email. I don't find people rude when they don't respond to mine. When you email someone you are making yourself known to them and you are giving them the choice of wheather or not to contact you back. Just because they choose no, doesn't imply rudeness.

Personally, I try, sometimes I am sucessful in respoinding to emails that are polite, and actually written to me. I do not respond to blanket emails, the "hey slut" emails, or emails that don't tell me anything about the person emailing me.

thanks for reading this, have a great day,

pixie

_____________________________

**please note that I realize that I am just as full of crap as everybody else, feel free to remind me anytime**

If you understand it.......you've missed the point.

[image]http://img33.exs.cx/img33/2424/pixieunleashed-2.jpg[/image]

(in reply to tearsofaSlave)

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