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RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 5/28/2008 7:43:57 PM

kalea

Posts: 5
Joined: 7/31/2007
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Knowing one is Dominant or submissive is one thing....having experience is another. i have served new Doms with little or no experience, though i like to think of it not so much teaching as strengthening a Dom to be what He is. my Master had very little experience when i first met Him, but now He is a Dom of such strength that other girls come to Him for play or mentoring.

(in reply to KaineD)

Post #: 61

RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 5/28/2008 7:48:01 PM

underworld026

Posts: 25
Joined: 5/17/2008
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Hm, you know, everyone has to start out somewhere.
You can't become an "expert" if you were never a newbie at it.

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Post #: 62

RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 5/28/2008 8:03:49 PM

SmokingGun82

Posts: 575
Joined: 6/19/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: underworld026

Hm, you know, everyone has to start out somewhere.
You can't become an "expert" if you were never a newbie at it.

Excellent point. Everyone who now scoffs at those without experience (generalizing, not specifying anyone- but these people are out there) was once someone who didn't have a clue what they were doing.

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RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 5/28/2008 8:05:08 PM

slaveboy291

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quote:

ORIGINAL: underworld026

Hm, you know, everyone has to start out somewhere.
You can't become an "expert" if you were never a newbie at it.

Isn't that basically what I said?

(in reply to underworld026)

Post #: 64

RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 5/29/2008 10:28:37 AM

ShatteredSoul123

Posts: 29
Joined: 5/17/2008
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Perhaps its just me, but I feel like a new Dom each and every time I start a new relationship. One has to relearn everything because the partner is different.

Its kind of like in the vanilla world, if you stay with a girl for a long time and learn all her "hot spots" when you break up with her you can't say you are experienced... Why? because the next girl will have totally different "hot spots" and you will be just as new as you were the first time around!

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Post #: 65

RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 5/29/2008 1:51:48 PM

Wolfsrealm

Posts: 36
Joined: 3/2/2008
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Though Master had researched the lifestyle for years before finding her, this slave was his first and only D/s relationship. She actually didn't know this until he admitted it to her! A natural Dom who is truly committed to the lifestyle is dominant regardless of experience. He should be judged by his actions--not his experience.

~Little Red

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Post #: 66

RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 5/30/2008 12:13:24 AM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
Joined: 10/16/2007
From: SW London (UK)
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I don't see the issue here..

In over half my relationships I've been the first proper submissive with an inexperienced Domme. With Dommes it's a little different because you find most (this is an assumption and nothing more on my part) have either been in vanilla relationships or marriages which haven't worked out so they cannot really be expected to seek out opportunities to learn or explore earlier, especially if they have been bringing up children. I guess you can see a similar correlation with female submissives too.

It's not just that everyone has to start somewhere, but also that - from what I can see from my own experience - being able to dominate someone, anyone, requires a certain degree of intelligence and a sense of responsibility and these are two of the most sought after things I look for in my relationships and friendships with others irrespective of whether it's BDSM related or not. Intelligence here doesn't mean a college degree or specific knowledge, just an understanding that the brain is an organ which doesn't shrivel up when it gets used.

The other thing is that if you are looking for a long term relationship with a Dominant it's probably going to be some time before the topic of domination and submission comes into common or everyday dialogue anyway, and so I'm much more interested in that other person for who they really are - i.e. a person. In the beginning that label Dominant is about as meaningful as the town of their birth and has as much bearing on the relationship.

But then again, let's assume that no, it isn't going towards a long term relationship but that you and a Dominant want to play or scene casually in three days time. Does this make a difference? No, not to me it doesn't, because the same principles apply - getting to know someone, thinking, being open and honest with each other, and communication.

What is experience anyway and what value does it have? How much experience do you need to whip someone? To pee all over someone's face? To have someone go down on you? I mean, it's not as if you don't know where your genitalia are, is it? And the thing is, if you're dominant or submissive you tend to be very much interested in things so you work the theory out all on your own. Experience is really nothing more than having an opportunity to practice, nothing more.

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Post #: 67

RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 5/30/2008 4:44:48 AM

Strictyetnice

Posts: 26
Joined: 12/9/2007
Status: offline

I myself have only a tiny bit of experience offline, but quite a bit online. Well when I say that, I mean I have done research, talked to many people and learnt a lot. So while I maybe inexperienced still, I believe I am in a good position to try things offline.
However I remember when I was first getting into this, I didnt know a thing, and was still a little immature, being in my early twenties back then and had no idea what I was doing and what it was all about. And someone like that should not be jumping into anything, too fast, or someone could get hurt.
But the great thing about my position is, I have a chance to learn WITH a submissive if thats how things turn out. And thats something really nice about some relationships, growing together.

(in reply to slaveboy291)

Post #: 68

RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 5/30/2008 6:37:54 AM

stella41b

Posts: 4258
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From: SW London (UK)
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I'm experienced...

.. but I would much rather be 'experienced' by someone else.

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Post #: 69

RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 5/30/2008 6:39:00 AM

Lynnxz

Posts: 4813
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From: Atlanta
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It doesn't bother me that they have no experience. It bothers me that they think they do.

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RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 5/30/2008 11:36:54 AM

SilentTigresss

Posts: 261
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Please do not call your opinion a "flaw".

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RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 5/31/2008 6:32:28 PM

Ra24

Posts: 2
Joined: 6/23/2004
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I would, if he seemed really sincere and willing to learn. I just wouldn't want to teach him anything, because to me, that would almost be like topping from the bottom.

(in reply to KaineD)

Post #: 72

RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 5/31/2008 6:41:27 PM

lusciouslips19

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He does not have to be experienced but he does need to have control of himself .

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Post #: 73

RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 6/1/2008 1:20:59 AM

aidan

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Joined: 5/28/2005
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After thinking about it for a while, I'm gonna go ahead and say "no" to this one.

I've always been more attracted to older women than women my own age, and that usually translates into more experience with BDSM, but it's not always the case. My Mistress is, by her own words, a little less experienced in BDSM than other Dommes I've been with. This was never a concern for me going into the relationship. We click amazingly well, and that more than anything is what matters.

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Post #: 74

RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 6/1/2008 5:59:22 AM

malloves69

Posts: 913
Joined: 9/15/2006
Status: offline

suxs when the bottom has more experience then the top ..so no i would not want to be with a newbie until the lady has earned the title to call herself a mistress ..ecspecially if she is a pro dom who wants to get paid for her services ..just another wanna -bes as far as im concerned ..thanks but no thanks

for my money i want the real deal who knows what she is doing

mal

(in reply to aidan)

Post #: 75

RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 6/2/2008 7:26:34 PM

ProtagonistLily

Posts: 1222
Joined: 12/27/2004
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Great questions/conversation - I expect that the answers will run the gambit, but here's my experienced opinion(s):

quote:

Obviously everyone is going to have some different opinions on this. I read a post a while ago that said (paraphrasing here) 'a Dom should try things out as a sub first', which I really thought was no good,

I don't think that's going to work for everyone either.

quote:

and someone else said 'How can a Dom know he is a Dom if he has no experience'.

The same way he knows that he doesn't want to dive head first into a vat of boiling oil...some things, one just knows.

quote:

And yet, many people in this lifestyle state that they knew what they were from very early on.

.
And some of us have tried the other side of the whip and figured out where we really belonged. Some of us do that, some of us don't - there's no standard that's for sure.

quote:

I could be wrong, but it seems to me that experience is less of a requirement for a sub than it is for a Dom.

I don't know if 'wrong' is the right word, but you could be screwing yourself out of some pretty interesting times if you think you can't learn something from an experienced submissive.

I took poetic license and saved this for last

quote:

I was wondering how some of you feel about Doms with little or no D/s experience. Relationship wise, would a Dom with no experience just not be worth considering?

I was always a little leary of playing with an inexperienced Top. I'd always pretty much had the privledge of playing with very experienced people who were known in the scene, so I had little worries in the way of being hurt because of someone's inexperience.

A couple of years ago, I met a 'new Dom' at a munch. I'd run across his profile here on CM, but his lack of experience and activity in the local scene at the time was a detractor. I of course deserved to play with only the most highly skilled and scene worthy as I'd been around my local scene long enough to know pretty much everyone, and this guy was totally green as far as I could tell. He couldn't name anyone who I knew that he'd played with, so, I didn't take him very seriously. I ran into him at parties, and we'd chat and he was interesting and pretty smart, and fairly decent looking, but new, and certainly not for someone seriously experienced like me. According to him, he'd played with girls before, but he didn't have any references.

So after we'd hung out a few times and then went for a drink after a party once, he suggested that we play. Reluctantly I agreed, but only at a party so there were other people around. He was willing to do that, because he wanted to make sure I was comfortable.

That was almost 3 years ago to the day, and we haven't played with anyone else since. Now, am I suggesting that someone should play with every guy who calls himself Dom, regardless of his experience? No, I most surely am not.

But I'm also here to say that if I'd allowed my ego to continue to carry me away, and discounted this man because of his relative inexperience, I wouldn't wear his collar today.

So really you never know - so much of what we do has to do with personality, chemistry, sexual and intellectual attraction...the list is endless. I think the only real advice I'd give is, if you know someone who you are thinking about playing with can't produce any credible references (and by that I mean that they've played with someone who can be traced back to someone else who you, or someone close to you knows) and they are genuine, they will agree to play in a public-ish place (even if it means that someone else is in the apartment where if something goes south, you can get help). If they can't agree to that, then I would be seriously concerned about them from a safety perspective.

PL

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(in reply to KaineD)

Post #: 76

RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 6/2/2008 9:41:43 PM

pinksugarsub

Posts: 1224
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KaineD

I was wondering how some of you feel about Doms with little or no D/s experience. Relationship wise, would a Dom with no experience just not be worth considering?

Obviously everyone is going to have some different opinions on this. I read a post a while ago that said (paraphrasing here) 'a Dom should try things out as a sub first', which I really thought was no good, and someone else said 'How can a Dom know he is a Dom if he has no experience'. And yet, many people in this lifestyle state that they knew what they were from very early on.

I could be wrong, but it seems to me that experience is less of a requirement for a sub than it is for a Dom.

Opinions?

i tend to agree; i see a Dom as, in part, a teacher, training His submissive in the particulars of how to please Him, so it seems to me being a newbie as a submissive isn't that big a hurdle to overcome.

i really don't know if i'd get involved with a Dom with little or no experience. i know it's possible to discover D/s late in life, but i have to trust my Dom with my safety as well as look to Him for leadersship...and it seems to me i'd be better served by a Man who has considerable experience.

But, Yanno how it is...never say never.

pinksugarsub

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RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 6/3/2008 3:51:25 PM

Aroha

Posts: 15
Joined: 6/3/2008
Status: offline

As someone with only one partner, my husband, I can say it is hard to be a sub while getting him to learn to enjoy doming me. It took a while for me to admit to myself that I needed this and then to talk to him (and talk him into it). While he takes the initiative sometimes it does seem to me asking for it. It did seem to start with him doing it more because I enjoyed it than him but he is definately enjoying it more for himself now (I think). He may not be a true dom but I suppose he is trying.

(in reply to JohnWarren)

Post #: 78

RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 6/3/2008 3:53:58 PM

camille65

Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
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The only time I would see an inexperienced dom as a negative is if I were engaging in technical play.Otherwise? Nope. I would see it as a great way to learn and grow together.

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Post #: 79

RE: Is a Dom with no experience an instant no-no? - 6/3/2008 8:09:42 PM

amiworthy4u

Posts: 1
Joined: 4/19/2008
Status: offline

My Dominant had absolutely nothing but an entire lifetime of fantasies and desires. We worked on it together, me never topping from the bottom but gently and submissively coaxing Him along. Over time my rubbing the bottle finally got the genie to come out. Now, He's incredibly dominant. and just everything i need. i am His one and only- the submissive of His dreams- and i know that i always will be. How special i am to Him- His one His only, and how special our bond....because i know i am the one who fulfilled His every fantasy, wish and desire and He has become everything i needed as well- so to answer the question....experience schmerience all ya need is the connection...........

(in reply to KaineD)

Post #: 80

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