XaneKandor
Posts: 14
Joined: 5/19/2008
Status: offline
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Hello everyone, my name is Jacob and I am new to this site. I wanted to say ahead of time that it will be a pleasure to know each and every one of you and to share in our experiences. When I started my profile, I changed it several times. That is because I was unsure really of what to put on it. I did not change my likes or dislikes. Just what I was saying to everyone. I am posting the below to try and help others to understand me. I would love others opinions on what I have posted. And I appologize ahead of time for misspelled words and typos. And let me just say one more thing. For all of those that are true to themselves. Bravo! No matter if you are a Dom, sub, switch. You should always be proud of who you are and true to yourself.
What is it to be true to yourself? I am one person who is unable to answer that question. I have been living a lie all my life. And because of that I have truely forgotten who I am. I do not know who I am. I do not even know what I want. I got on this site to help me decide what I truely want. Hell, I do not even know if I am bi or not. I have experimented lightly but not really had any experiance. You know, when your father tells you at a young age that if he ever finds out that you are gay, he is going to kill you. How are you supposed to react to something like that. What are you supposed to do with your life? Any thought of even experimenting brings a terrible fear to your mind. Did he really mean it? Would he actually kill you? The experiance that you have had with him previously tells you yes. That if he ever really found out that you were gay or had any relations with the same sex he is going to kill you. I mean, he threw you down in the drive way and he kicked you around till you were crying just because you threw a snowball at your brother. He didnt even care that your brother threw one at you first. No, that didnt matter. With him there is no gray area...none. So, where does that leave you? I will tell you. It leaves you scared and alone. Scared that if you are to ever have any feelings what so ever and he were to find out.....Do the math. I tell you what, that makes for a very fucked up way to live. So than what happens...well you move out of your home, you leave everything that you ever had behind and you try to start new somewhere else. Than you end up homeless. You turn to drugs and drinking. That helps for a while and than what. You have a nervious breakdown. Those around you that really care take you to a hospital. You truely seek help....you ask them to help you and to get you well again. Than here is what happens. They start to get afraid of what you have become. They throw you into another hospital and tell a judge that you are a danger to yourself and other people. A lie. Now...you find out about this and become angry. And now you are no longer seeking help. Now you manipulate the system because you are smart, something that they did not count on. You are only seventeen and that blinds them, but what they do not know is that because of your life experiances you sought out knowledge at a young age and developed the mind of someone far older than you are. You get yourself out of the hospital, they think you are well and the medication works for a while. Than it all stops. No more insurance. You go through the withdrawls of the medication for a few months...you cant sleep well, you can hardly eat with out getting sick. Finally it ends. No more withdrawls. You are around your friends and they help you to feel normal again. You live on the street and with various friends until you have no other recourse but to go back to the life that started all this. Because in the end, it is all that you ever knew. Things go well for a while...but sooner or later...everything crashes down again. But this time...you have friends to catch you. You are no longer alone. But you have been alone for so long. They help you to see what you did not want to see...they help you to get out. Now.....after all this...after life has made you use that inate survival instinct...that base instinct that is alive deep inside of eveyone...it creates a new you...someone whos is able to deal with the problems...it tells you that everything will be alright...that you will get through this with its help. And it is right...you do get through it all...you triumphed over all obsticals in your path...you succeeded where other individuals would have failed. You made it through..now you can let this side go....But now that side does not want to go...it thinks that it is you....and you are not sure that it isnt....and now there are two sides to you....one that loves to dominate, to control, to manipulate....And you have the otherside...the one that is submissive, that needs to be controled, that wants to feel safe, to let someone else take on the burdens for you....And now you live a lie....two sides both who want something...most of what each wants is different...but there is one thing that ties these two together. Love...love ties these to sides to each other...because it is the one thing that each of them wants above all else...I am sorry that I have ranted on and on...I needed to get this out. Perhaps this will give you some insite into just who I am and what I am about. And I know that this has sounded like the rant of an insane person. But let me assure you...that I am very sane...perhaps to sane for my own good. Again, I thank you for listening. And please do not judge me. Please do not say that things could have been handled differently. Because if they could have been, trust me, I would definately done it a different way.
_____________________________
The Professor
"Knowledge is power. But there is no greater power then the knowledge of ones self. "
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