Aanakaris
Posts: 310
Joined: 4/8/2008
Status: offline
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Be warned, this ones fairly long.
Howard
Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
(Rodney Dangerfield Jokes)
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens
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I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west
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When I was born, the doctor said to my father, " I'm sorry, we did everything we could but he still pulled thru".
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it
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What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.
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What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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My uncles dying wish was to have me sit in his lap - he was in the electric chair
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I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
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I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
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I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
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I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said " on your mark ......"
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I was lost and asked a cop to help me find my parents "do you think we'll find them", "I don't know there's so many places to hide"
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
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When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
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My old man, he carries around the picture of the kid that came with the wallet.
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My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles, So he nailed my other foot to the floor.
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I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in the library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.
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My wife made me join her bridge club ... I jump next Tuesday.
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One time I went into a hotel, I asked the bellhop to handle my bag - he felt up my wife.
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Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.
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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
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It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
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Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
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For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
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I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.
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My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
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They say 'love thy neighbor as thy self' , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too ?
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At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
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I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint
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My sex life is terrible, my wife put a mirror over the dogs bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
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I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
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I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said "why should I you never put out for me".
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I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "no one drag is enough"
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I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
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People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them " are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
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A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over there's nobody home", I went over - nobody was home
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A hooker once told me she had a headache.
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I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.
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My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
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If it weren't for pick-pockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
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I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.
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After making love to this girl she started crying, I said "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning", "No I hate myself now"
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I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
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FAT. My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
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FAT. My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing
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She was so fat that after she sat on someone's lap we had to look for him in the crack of her ass.
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She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
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She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
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She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
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She was so fat that she has her own postal code.
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She was so fat that she wears a 'cross your thighs' bra
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She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load"
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She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
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She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.
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She was so fat that when I hit her with my car she asked why I didn't go around her and I said that I didn't think I had enough gas.
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She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size)
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She was so ugly that she was known as a two bagger, one for you in case her bag breaks.
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She was so ugly that if you grab a dictionary and look under the word ugly you would see her picture.
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She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
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She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
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She was so ugly that they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
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She was so ugly that when two men broke into her apartment and she yelled "rape" they yelled "nooooooo"
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She was so ugly that she has a face like a boiled boot and a tongue long enough to lace it up.
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She was so ugly that she looks like she came second in a hatchet fight.
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She was so ugly that the last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it.
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My wife's got a face like a saint - a Saint Bernard.
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There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.
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She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
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She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.
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Went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted, "surprise me" I said, so he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
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My wife has cut me down to once a month, I'm lucky I know two guys she cut off completely
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I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.
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One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend
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I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
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One day I came home and saw a guy jogging naked, I said "Hey buddy why are you doing that", he said "cause you came home early".
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Once in a restaurant I made a toast to my wife, "To the best woman a man ever had". The waiter joined me.
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I get up and a button falls off, I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
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I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
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Group sex are you kidding I had group sex - My wife screwed in front of the jury.
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My friends and I play a new version of Russian roulette, we pass around six girls and one of them has V.D.
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"Doc, every morning I look in the mirror and feel like barfing, what's wrong", he said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.
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I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.
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He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
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His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blow onion rings.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I told him I want a second opinion. He said okay you're ugly too.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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When I was born the doctor slapped my mother.
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When I was born the doctor turned me upside down and said, "my god twins"
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Boy were we poor, if I wasn't born a boy I would of had nothing to play with.
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At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
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Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said "hey buddy I got your cheque" he said "thanks"
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark
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My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.
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My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
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Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
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One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
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I have three kids, one of each.
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I have a son in college. He's majoring in F.....g up.
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What a mean kid too. Why he puts krazy glue in my preparation H.
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For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
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My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
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She looked at my calendar and wanted to know who JUNE was.
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Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
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She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says "shut the f..k up"!
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.
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I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.
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The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
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Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guys pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
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Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
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I got a book for my birthday "How to make it big" I had to take it back.
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Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
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I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
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I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.
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I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
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I bought a perfect second car ... a tow truck.
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My wife's not to smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. she said, "all kids smell that way".
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Once somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. she said "No, but I did get the license number".
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I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.
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My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
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My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There are a pair of shoes on the dashboard. they belong to the last guy she hit
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My cousins gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
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My cousins gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
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My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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