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MJ2005 -> random jokes (10/26/2005 12:11:57 PM)
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Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
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Joke # 3
Witness
"You seem to have more than the average share of intell- igence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment,"
replied the witness.
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Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a
jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
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Joke # 4
Stockbroker in prison
The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug.
"Don't worry," the gruff looking fellow said, "I'm in here for a white collar crime too."
"Well, that's a relief." sighed the stockbroker. "I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading."
"Oh nothing fancy like that for me." grinned the convict.
"I just killed a couple of Priests."
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Joke # 5
The Big Bad Wolf
Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grand- mother in the forest.
Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!"
Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway.
The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!"
Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!"
"Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"
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Joke # 6
Things overheard at the STD Clinic
The quotes below are complaints reported by clients of Room 111, a public health clinic in St. Paul that treats people for sexually transmitted diseases. Nurses at the clinic began creating the list two decades ago; it now includes several hundred comments.
---> "I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to
LSD. When I ejaculate I have flashbacks."
---> "My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."
---> "I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a
closet later on and my face stunk and my dick hurt."
---> "My last period looked like meat."
---> "My balls feel soft and mushy."
---> "I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota
and hey don't tell you they got something unless they mad at you."
---> "How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a
dead fish?"
---> "I got the dripper."
---> "I have food chunks in my urine."
---> "Had sex with my daughter's fiancé and then douched
with Lysol--feelin' a little raw down there."
---> "Scabs on my butt and I'm losing my mind."
---> "I'm releasing semen when I take a crap."
---> "I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger
of a 70-year-old homosexual man."
---> "I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend
from Minneapolis over. They throw ticks at me that bite my neck and when I pop the sores, they smell like vagina juice."
---> "Can't you put the swab in further?"
---> "I had sex with my baby's momma, sex with my other
baby's momma and my other new baby's momma has disease."
---> "Last time I had sex I passed something that looked
like Cream of Wheat before it's cooked."
---> "My cervix hurts when I jiggle."
---> "The seam in my circumcision split open."
---> "I be messin' with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and
I don't trust either of them."
---> "My whole body smells like a menstruating woman,
especially my armpits."
---> "From the looks of my penis, I believe they are
sucking the adrenaline out of me."
---> "I think they hypnotized me and put implants and
poltergeists in my brain and had sex with me."
---> "I think my boyfriend knows what's going on. He's
been calling me a 'chlamydiahoris.'"
---> "My pee smells like ham."
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Q: What is the difference between a straight Rodeo and
a gay Rodeo?
A: At a straight Rodeo they yell "Ride Them Suckers".
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