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Becoming better at fulfilling both roles - 6/2/2008 11:45:03 AM

DichotomyPhoenix

Posts: 20
Joined: 5/13/2008
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I have lived as a submissive to my Master for three years now and we have a wonderful relationship together. However, even though I didn't identify as one originally, I have discovered that I am certainly more switch than sub. We discovered this in a somewhat difficult way, but luckily it wasn't more than a minor road bump in our relationship and honestly, not a surprise to either of us. In almost all of my previous vanilla relationships I was the more dominant partner, and it seems my personality, once I am comfortable with someone, is naturally somewhat domineering. The reason I enjoy subbing is because it is more fulfilling to me, not because I am more naturally inclined in that direction.

But, for better or worse, I have always been a very malleable person. Whatever I expose myself to, whatever I find myself doing for an extended period of time, is what I tend to get 'stuck in'. Now that I am looking for a submissive partner, with my Master's permission, I worry that I will have trouble being the best dominant I can to one, while being a wonderful submissive to the other.

I already see some evidence of this problem arising in my current life. I am a restaurant manager five days out of the week and I have difficulty in making a seamless transition between running a restaurant and coming home and serving my Master. When I first get to work, it takes me a bit to get comfortable barking orders and organizing and running things. Then, once I get going doing that, my first hour or so at home once I am off work, I am somewhat resentful to doing chores or taking any sort of order that I do not see as currently necessary (even though that is certainly not my decision.) On my worst days, I do not find that I fully transition into either role and I end up being a mediocre manager who struggles in not giving into employee desires (ie: people requesting breaks at bad times) and then a comfrontational submissive at home who is prone to trying to debate what course of action is best with my Master, etc..

Usually, once I get going in any one role, I can fulfill it quite well, but I understand that the transitioning time is annoying to most people I have to deal with. So, finally, to my questions. Does anyone else struggle with this sort of transition? If so, how do you cope? Even from people who don't go through anything like this, if you could offer some advice as how to get into the proper mindset, I would greatly appreciate it. I have found reading submissive diaries and watching media which glorify characters with submissive traits help me get into a fervor for serving, but I would still like more ideas for that. And I'm yet to find anything that can instantly send me into a dominant mood/role...the closest thing being the right person inspiring it in me.

Many thanks in advance.

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RE: Becoming better at fulfilling both roles - 6/5/2008 10:58:10 AM

Celeres

Posts: 166
Joined: 3/9/2008
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First off, welcome to this site!! (You joined CM the day before my birthday, so that's doubly exciting for me anyway). Secondly, welcome to the forums! Before I go on to give my 2-3 cents about what I feel about it, I feel the need to tell you that the Forums and the way people act on CM are very different. By and large, people in the forums are much more thoughtful and much more personable, whereas people are inclined to be rude and send unwarranted photos from the regular site.

As for your question at hand, it is not so much a matter of "transitioning" but what you like to do. From what I've read from your life, (please correct me if I am wrong), I would classify you as a Dominant with submissive tendencies and your job/work reflects that. I do not see it so much as it has been difficult at home because you are fighting this duality but you are breaking out of the norm. I am hesitant to "classify" people because with any classifications, people tend to force others into pre-determined groups. However, everyone is unique, even twins have slight differences that differentiate them from each other.

So with that said, I think being a restaurant manager definitely takes a certain mind set. At my last job, I was responsible for scheduling 70 people on a 24/7/365 schedule, working around birthdays, parties, and school work. At the time, I felt very submissive at home, wanting to do whatever it took to "please" someone else. I felt the need to submit because I had so much control and power at work. The transition for me was not quite as extreme, partly because I never found anyone, and partly because after work, I would be so drained, all I wanted to do was sleep (and not complete all my homework--whoops). So, it came to pass that during the weekends (when I often pulled 2 or 3 shifts to make up for those who want to party), I would be pretty dominant but during the evenings during the week, I would long to be in the service of another.

With that said, perhaps a better classification for you would be a "Switch with predominantly Domme tendencies" and you have transcended your previous mental state of solely being a sub to your Master of three years. Perhaps I would go so far as to say you two have now become a Dom/Domme couple, instead of a Dom/Switch couple, where the Dom is still the Alpha Male, and the Domme is still submissive to him, but to everyone else is equally "in charge" This is not that uncommon, as I have several friends on CM that run that form of a household. The Male is in charge of all aspects, and the Female is submissive to him, yet in charge of all the submissives.

Does that kind of make sense? I hope I have been helpful and haven't pissed anyone off too much. That's just my opinion on the matter.

Please take care and I wish you two the best of luck!

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RE: Becoming better at fulfilling both roles - 6/6/2008 12:39:50 AM

DichotomyPhoenix

Posts: 20
Joined: 5/13/2008
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Well happy belated birthday! Quite belated, unfortunately. Thank you so much for replying! I was afraid no one was going to... ^^'

Your analysis is probably pretty accurate -- most of my friends (well, those who are aware of my lifestyle) are surprised when they realize that I am the submissive partner to my husband. The only reason I feel somewhat uncomfortable labeling myself as being primarily dominant is because, depending on the day, I can struggle with dominance as much, if not more, than with submission. It's whatever I've been doing most, whatever I've kind of gotten in the mode of, that I do well in.

I guess, like you said, classifying people is difficult. But that's how other people understand you.

I think I have the same reason as you for enjoying being submissive. Since people naturally follow me, there's little excitement there. It's nothing new. But having someone else have control over me is more...exotic for lack of a better word. That's why I sought it out to begin with. But, I've had vanilla partners in the past who were more or less submissive, and I miss being able to guide and dote on someone, having someone I can instruct. I think the household you described would work well for us -- it's very similar to something we have in mind one day. As long as he and the rest of the household know that he is at the top of the chain, he is fine with most anything else.

Thanks again for replying!

< Message edited by DichotomyPhoenix -- 6/6/2008 12:43:50 AM >

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RE: Becoming better at fulfilling both roles - 6/6/2008 1:22:00 AM

MasterFireMaam

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Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
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I usually suggest that you develop a ritual where you 'take off' one role and 'put on' the other. Many people like showers or a mantra they chant while changing, or simply removing, clothes. Many also like the ritual of putting on cuffs and/or a collar.

Master Fire

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RE: Becoming better at fulfilling both roles - 6/6/2008 12:07:42 PM

DichotomyPhoenix

Posts: 20
Joined: 5/13/2008
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I think something like that would probably work well for me, if I could just get into the practice of it. I've never tried any sort of mantra -- I think that is certainly worth giving a try. I know the clothing bit would work well for me -- it works well in other aspects of my life. I'll just have to find something I can set aside for each role specifically.

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

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RE: Becoming better at fulfilling both roles - 6/8/2008 5:12:41 PM

Celeres

Posts: 166
Joined: 3/9/2008
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Thanks for the belated birthday wishes! But yes, I truly believe that a relationship as described might prove to be fun. Just depends on if you are your husband are in the least of being bi-curious. If one of you is not or it is a "hard-limit" then the gender of your collective sub will be much easier. =)

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RE: Becoming better at fulfilling both roles - 6/9/2008 12:53:37 PM

Deliena

Posts: 623
Joined: 6/16/2007
From: Darlington, United Kingdom
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I think that the response MasterFireMaam gave you is very good, I find that a small ritual helps remove one "hat" and put on another when I return home. For me, it's out of work clothes, bathe and into something appropriate to my evening (my Master and I don't currently live together). It also separates work from home and stops my um dealing with my work stress.

Good luck finding the right "switch" to help you switch

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