RE: 6 Ways to Have a Miserable D/s Relationship

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RE: 6 Ways to Have a Miserable D/s Relationship - 6/3/2008 12:30:35 AM

ShaktiSama

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Good piece! I would agree with the general comment that a lot of this information applies to vanilla relationships equally well, which may somewhat distract from the value of the article as a comment on specifically D/S pitfalls. But I do like the title especially, because it brings up a point which always seems to have gotten lost, every time I see a friend or acquaintance involved in an unsuccessful D/S relationship: happinesss.

It seems awfully easy for people to forget that BDSM is just another way of loving, and that your BDSM relationship is supposed to make you happy--just as happy as being in love or having a satisfying sex life is supposed to make a vanilla person, if not more so. The fact that you are kinky does not mean that you are supposed to be miserable. Your love afair needs to hurt in a good way--not a bad way.

A lot of times, it seems as if nine-tenths of the solution to a BDSM relationship problem is simply to face the fact that you are unhappy, and that something needs to be done about it.

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RE: 6 Ways to Have a Miserable D/s Relationship - 6/3/2008 1:40:45 AM

MissMorrigan

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Shakti & Stella, I learn a great deal from reading your posts. For me, personally, I need to get the 'bones' of the relationship working and there's this myth that D/s/Vanilla are mutually exclusive, they aren't. If the foundations aren't applied and the moment every day occurrences take over, the kinks aren't going to be the crucial elements that strengthen and bind a relationship.

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RE: 6 Ways to Have a Miserable D/s Relationship - 6/3/2008 7:24:07 AM

chezzy71

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I think we over analyze ourselves and our relationships.We seem to always ask,is he/she making me happy??Am i feeling fulfilled??What is he/she thinking?..You know something gang,there will be ups and downs everyday and the key is to cherish the ups and talk over the downs and see if they can be rectified.And if it is an unfortunate ciecumstance where the down is overwhelming and cannot be rectified no matter the honesty of the attempts,then perhaps it is time to move on.But no one goes unscathed so keep the chins up and do your best.

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RE: 6 Ways to Have a Miserable D/s Relationship - 6/3/2008 8:47:15 AM

cloudboy

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I am now reading WHY MARS AND VENUS COLLIDE.

I must say the book is riddled with kernels of wisdom as well ideas for an action plan to keep a relationship running smoothly and to help resolve conflicts.

From the male side of the equation, its in our interest to keep a woman's Oxytocin Levels up. (A scientific way of saying -- putting a woman in a good mood or boosting her up emotionally.)

The book lists 100 ways we can do this, all some variation of being thoughtful, considerate, and proactive. (For instance, points are won by emptying the dishwasher. Yes, it takes a best selling author to think this stuff up.)

As for the book itself, its strength is pointing out the different ways men and women react to things, and with this understanding folks like you and me might have better ideas about how to be better connected.

One pearl of wisdom is this: BE POSITIVE AND CONCRETE ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT OR DON'T LIKE. Avoid generalizations, put downs, and pervasive negativity.

------

To answer your question about D/S:

Hmmm, I will have to think about it some more.

(in reply to MsCfromMelbourne)

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RE: 6 Ways to Have a Miserable D/s Relationship - 6/3/2008 8:58:59 AM

MissMorrigan

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You've been looking at my picture to spot the chins, Chezzy

You make a lot of sense re. over-analysing. There is also a tendency for us to focus on the kinks as opposed to the person. I know I have done that in the past and arrogantly thought that if I could keep a, b, c, in check everything else would follow and of course, that wasn't the case, I was deluding myself on being lazy by trying to take the 'short cut' to a relationship.

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RE: 6 Ways to Have a Miserable D/s Relationship - 6/3/2008 11:53:57 AM

ElanSubdued

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I've got another, topical addition gleaned from both real life and Internet dating. This problem is more prevalent in online profiles, but it happens plenty in real life too. Ask for what you bloody well want! You don't do anyone (most especially yourself) any favours with false (albeit politically correct) advertising. Sure, it's not well looked upon to say you want a Hollywood-hot guy or gal, and that other qualities are secondary, but if this is most important to you, say it! Likewise, if you'd rather only talk to your partner once every few weeks, it does nobody any good to advertise that frequent communication and affection are important to you. Yes, such a modus operandi is generally accepted as a good, healthy approach in relationships, but if it's not what you want, don't ask for it!

I've lost count of the times I read profiles lavishing with desire for thing A, B, and C, only to find that after I talk with the person for a while, they don't want A, B, and C. People change their minds over time, but I think it a good idea to be honest with yourself and to advertise for what you really and truly want, regardless of whether this is generally accepted or not. Many people look at themselves and say "i'm kind, courteous, communicative, empathetic, giving, interested in world issues, patient, have a low temper, and on and on". The truth is, many people are not these things even though (I suppose) we would all like to be these things. It is difficult to be *truly honest* with yourself in what you're searching for, but if you are, the chance that your courtships and relationships are successful and rewarding for all involved is much higher.

Conversely, as a person getting to know someone, I've learned that it's important to spot discrepancies early on. To date, when the advertising differs from what the person actually wants and how they behave, I've never had a relationship work. Because gee, go figure, people usually respond to a profile because it addresses *what they do want*. In my opinion, bait and switch (whether this be desires, pictures, etc.) isn't a very successful approach and yet many people use this, some knowingly and others unknowingly.

Elan.

< Message edited by ElanSubdued -- 6/3/2008 11:58:26 AM >

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RE: 6 Ways to Have a Miserable D/s Relationship - 6/3/2008 12:12:10 PM

DominantJenny

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ElanSubdued
Many people look at themselves and say "i'm kind, courteous, communicative, empathetic, giving, interested in world issues, patient, have a low temper, and on and on". The truth is, many people are not these things even though (I suppose) we would all like to be these things.

Straying a bit, but I like this list and wanna go over it myself. :P
Kind...yes, sometimes too much so
Courteous...not so much...and not very worried about it
Communicative...hell yes
Empathetic...oh, yeah
Giving...erm, sometimes
Interested in world issues...depends on the day
Patient...depends on the time/situation
Have a low temper...HAHAHAHAHA. No. I try, but...*shrug* I yam what I yam. :P

Which, of course, is the point...I'd much rather be who I am than some unknown paragon...I'm quite likable even with my less-than-desirable traits, and all the good and the bad combined in precisely the way they are make me...me. :)

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RE: 6 Ways to Have a Miserable D/s Relationship - 6/4/2008 6:31:05 AM

GoddessTeaze

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Dont believe all ya read on here hon!!
They can say so much!

I wish you enough

GoddezzT`

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RE: 6 Ways to Have a Miserable D/s Relationship - 6/4/2008 6:33:05 AM

GoddessTeaze

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MsCfromMelbourne

The following is an article in development. Any thoughts from your own experience of failed D/s relationships are very welcome.

I would rather live it, then talk about it!

Relationships arent ever easy.
They are worth trying

GoddezzT`

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RE: 6 Ways to Have a Miserable D/s Relationship - 6/4/2008 10:42:41 AM

pixelslave

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MsCfromMelbourne

Great posts in reply so far - thanks guys!

Relationships begin, grow and end for infinite reasons.

My article is attempting to identify our self sabotaging behaviours in D/s relationships through the lense of power (obtaining and keeping it).

That is a very interesting question whether D/s and love are mutually exclusive (cannot co-exist in the same relationship). It dovetails with Stella's point you should get the love (cake) right first then overlay it with BDSM as the optional (and dispensable?) icing.

My own feeling is that consensual power exchange can grow into love over time and be very loving. But is the Dominant's need to have power and control in the relationship ("having the upper hand") by fair means or foul "loving" behaviour? Or a personality disorder

Of course why Dominants need the power in the relationship at all is an infinitely complex question. There are numerous "why I am dominant" threads attempting to answer that question. Insecurity is only one factor.

Ms C,
As usual, I enjoyed your contribution to the forum. I agree with Stella and others who've noted that many seem to have it backwards; that the relationship needs to begin with the vanilla, then progressing to the BDSM and power exchange. IMO, another sure way of having a miserable D/s relationship is not having a life with outside interests to bring to the relationship beyond having compatible kinks. You can't do BDSM 24/7 and need other things in your life to share. Even if you don't share all of your partner's interests, encouraging them to continue theirs is one way of nurturing the relationship rather than isolating them and cutting them off from their friends; effectively destroying a part of who they are.

I was especially pleased to see a Domme on CM begin a post with your number 1: to not expect your partner to yield in every conflict! I strongly believe in trying to create win-win situations. That takes communication between both parties and a fair amount of flexibilty in order to do that. I'd very much like to see more of that attitude expressed here. To me, it shows your realistic attitude on life and maturity that D/s relationships are about "us" and not just about the Domme. Both partners in the relationship being happy is crucial if it's going to last.

I also agree with much of what Elan posted. Honesty with ourselves and with our partners (potential or actual) is essential IMO. Honest communication during the difficult times with a commitment to work things through (as Steffie mentioned) is also necessary. One has to feel safe in order to do that. Unless you know your partner is committed to working through things with you, you'll never feel safe enough to do that. Resentments will eventually build causing the relationship to break down over time.

I'm sure there's much more I could say, but my time is limited today. Thanks for posting your thoughts on this important topic. It's always a pleasure to read your thoughtful posts.

- pixel

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