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psychopath partners - 6/6/2008 8:18:45 AM

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is there anyone else here who was in a relationship with a psychopath? (not a mean person or a strange person, a down-home, diagnosed or diagnosable psychopath.) i feel stupid for being caught in that web, and like it's supposed to be a secret, so maybe i can find out whether i really am more idiotic than most folks or there are others that have been caught in it too.

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RE: psychopath partners - 6/6/2008 8:21:27 AM

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okay i have to ask...as in legitimate diagnosed mental illness or just someone you don't like? because my first response is to think that it's sort of cruel to comment against someone with a mental illness just because they're mentally ill. but i guess my question is, was this a complete surprise?

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RE: psychopath partners - 6/6/2008 8:24:24 AM

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I am sure there have been quite a few people who have. Don't beat yourself up for it, sweetie. What is supposed to be a secret? that your partner is psychopathic, or your relationship is supposed to be secret?

Good question fluffy. it seems to me, that she is startled about the appearance of mental illness, that can be quite disconcerting. And depending on what if any dynamic they have.......(like if he was her Dom, some feel that a Dom shouldn't be afflicted like that.)

< Message edited by LadyLynx -- 6/6/2008 8:29:04 AM >

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(in reply to stormgirl)

RE: psychopath partners - 6/6/2008 8:35:39 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: stormgirl

is there anyone else here who was in a relationship with a psychopath? (not a mean person or a strange person, a down-home, diagnosed or diagnosable psychopath.) i feel stupid for being caught in that web, and like it's supposed to be a secret, so maybe i can find out whether i really am more idiotic than most folks or there are others that have been caught in it too.

I was dating someone who I thought was just a little quirky(eccentric would fit if she was pretty rich)

but as time passed i realized she was really just several forms of crazy.

the most revealing of it came when "we" experienced something one day then she would tell the story later on. and listening to her "version" of the story and how she twisted it in her head was just plain scary.

fully proves the quote: "you don't see the world as it is, you see the world as YOU are"

Cheers
Skully

(in reply to stormgirl)

RE: psychopath partners - 6/6/2008 8:42:39 AM

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I have been.
Didn't realize he was insane until I realized he was insane. (if ya know what I mean)
It sounds terrible to say it, but I was relieved when he killed himself.
He was quite scary.

eta: there is a difference between someone with 'psychiatric issues' and someone who is diagnosed as psychotic. Psychotics can have total breaks with reality, and can be extremely dangerous to be around.

< Message edited by xxblushesxx -- 6/6/2008 8:44:58 AM >

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RE: psychopath partners - 6/6/2008 8:42:56 AM

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lol @ "more idiotic than most", you really shouldn't be embarrassed, I'll bet a lot of people couldn't say for definite who is or isn't a psychopath, how would they know unless they were trained to know?. I went to school with someone who, in later life was diagnosed as a psychopath, he was horrible. Everyone thought he was horrible, no one thought he was a psychopath.

(in reply to stormgirl)

RE: psychopath partners - 6/6/2008 8:44:01 AM

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Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
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quote:

ORIGINAL: stormgirl

is there anyone else here who was in a relationship with a psychopath? (not a mean person or a strange person, a down-home, diagnosed or diagnosable psychopath.) i feel stupid for being caught in that web, and like it's supposed to be a secret, so maybe i can find out whether i really am more idiotic than most folks or there are others that have been caught in it too.

According to the most recent, reliable statistics (if there is such a creature), many of us will have intimate or not-so-intimate daily dealings with a psychopath (aka "sociopath). Here is a recommendation for a book I thought was great and very illuminating: The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout. Here is a summary:

"We are accustomed to think of sociopaths as violent criminals, but in The Sociopath Next Door, Harvard psychologist Martha Stout reveals that a shocking 4 percent of ordinary people, one in 25, has an often undetected mental disorder, the chief symptom of which is that that person possesses no conscience. He or she has no ability whatsoever to feel shame, guilt, or remorse. One in 25 everyday Americans, therefore, is secretly a sociopath. They could be your colleague, your neighbor, even family. And they can do literally anything at all and feel absolutely no guilt.
How do we recognize the remorseless? One of their chief characteristics is a kind of glow or charisma that makes sociopaths more charming or interesting than the other people around them. They're more spontaneous, more intense, more complex, or even sexier than everyone else, making them tricky to identify and leaving us easily seduced. Fundamentally, sociopaths are different because they cannot love. Sociopaths learn early on to show sham emotion, but underneath they are indifferent to others' suffering. They live to dominate and thrill to win.
The fact is, we all almost certainly know at least one or more sociopaths already. Part of the urgency in reading The Sociopath Next Door is the moment when we suddenly recognize that someone we know, someone we worked for, or were involved with, or voted for, is a sociopath. But what do we do with that knowledge? To arm us against the sociopath, Dr. Stout teaches us to question authority, suspect flattery, and beware the pity play. Above all, she writes, when a sociopath is beckoning, do not join the game.
It is the ruthless versus the rest of us, and The Sociopath Next Door will show you how to recognize and defeat the devil you know."

I urge you to read this. It's really well written, easily understood and eye-opening. As someone who has encountered a few psychopaths in her time and was married to one for many years, I highly recommend it...............luci

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RE: psychopath partners - 6/6/2008 9:01:33 AM

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i haven't been but a good friend of mine almost lost her life in one. Her emotions took hold of her and her common sense and ability to evaluate and make rational decisions went out the window. The guy was very calculating and presented well. Many never thought he was mentally ill, until he snapped and almost killed her.

People, under the influence of strong emotions, many times become blind to what is obvious to others.

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RE: psychopath partners - 6/6/2008 9:07:03 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetears

i haven't been but a good friend of mine almost lost her life in one. Her emotions took hold of her and her common sense and ability to evaluate and make rational decisions went out the window. The guy was very calculating and presented well. Many never thought he was mentally ill, until he snapped and almost killed her.

People, under the influence of strong emotions, many times become blind to what is obvious to others.

this is true. i haven't been with with extremely mentally ill partners but i have been with ones that got abusive because i refused to let go of the relationship or listen to what i was being told.

_____________________________

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” churchill

the first rule of fluff club is that you don't talk about fluff club!

(in reply to velvetears)

RE: psychopath partners - 6/6/2008 9:15:18 AM

faerytattoodgirl

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i think most of us have had this experience. to some degree. others more serious than what we've experienced. some mostly verbal psychopaths... others physical.

you will never know who you have until you live with them.

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RE: psychopath partners - 6/6/2008 9:17:32 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx
It sounds terrible to say it, but I was relieved when he killed himself.

eta: there is a difference between someone with 'psychiatric issues' and someone who is diagnosed as psychotic. Psychotics can have total breaks with reality, and can be extremely dangerous to be around.

Two things said here that I relate to. Having been married to a sociopath for 20 years, when he made a couple of attempts on his life after I left, I wished he had succeeded. His removal from this earth truly seems the only way to see him removed from my world. Scary stuff, no doubt.

I was given relief a couple of times when I knew he had been admitted to a psychiatric ward (30 days at a time) because he was a threat to himself and others. The sociopath / psychotic has his or her own sense of reality, which makes complete sense to that person, and it is impossible for them to see things any other way.

To the OP, Once I broke away from that damaging relationship, I got myself into some really good therapy which helped me to deal with my own feelings of shame and embarrassment and foolishness for having been in that situation to begin with - especially for so long. And once I got over that, well, then I had to forgive myself for allowing myself to be treated that way. Forgiveness was difficult, but doable.

To your credit, you are not in that relationship anymore, and you recognize what it was. This is a major step forward, and something to be proud of, not embarrassed about.

I found this website which really helped me understand the dynamics of what I went through. Check it out and see if it helps you: http://www.youarenotcrazy.com/

I wish you peace.

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Good is the enemy of great.

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RE: psychopath partners - 6/6/2008 9:35:01 AM

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From: Kalamazoo, MI
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I was married to a sociopath and we were together for 14 years. I have a cousin who is a psycopathic liar; she tells a story so well that even though I was there I start wondering why I didn't remember certain events. There people can come across as very charming when they work at it; I know my husband had the local police fooled. He threw something at me once that missed, hit a computer, and bounced off and hit me. When the police came to take him to the hospital (he called them because he drank so much he had alcohol poisoning) they told me that if he really wanted to hit me he would have and refused to press charges. He had already been investigated for both assault and attempted murder, yet his charm on donations to the police charities kept him in their good graces.

I understand the wishing he was dead part. The last time he went to the hospital when we were together he had driven my Cadillac into a ditch and then hit a tree. On the way to the hospital I didn't know whether to pray that he was safe or dead. I begged the police to put him in jail. A bicycle the size of one a 3 year old would ride was just feet from the collision site. He got two days; second drunk driving offense. It should have been six months manditory but two out of the three sitting judges were alcoholics themselves. I was gone within the month.

Sometimes it takes a real wakeup call to snap you out of their spell. Don't feel stupid; a lot of us have been there.

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RE: psychopath partners - 6/6/2008 9:51:36 AM

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There are a lot of myths about psychopathic tendencies. Not all psychopaths are insane, not all psychopaths become criminals and not every person that has several characteristics associated with antisocial personality disorders are psychopathic as most people that have such characteristics are able to control their behaviours to within acceptable levels. The term is misleading and is not recognised in the DSM-IV. Its equivalent is Antisocial Personality Disorder.

There are a great many people with certain characteristics associated with the above that we meet in our every day lives. So it's quite possible to have had a relationship with one and been unaware of it.

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RE: psychopath partners - 6/6/2008 9:57:09 AM

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There is a huge difference between a psychotic person and a psychopath. Not all people with mental illness are psychopaths. A psychopath is someone with an antisocial personality disorder who is incapable of feeling any guilt, remorse or empathy. They don't form bonds with people, they use others for their own means. They're usually aggressive and engage in criminal activities. The term sociopath has more or less replaced psychopath.

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RE: psychopath partners - 6/6/2008 10:07:39 AM

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From: Houston, TX
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quote:

ORIGINAL: velvetears

i haven't been but a good friend of mine almost lost her life in one. Her emotions took hold of her and her common sense and ability to evaluate and make rational decisions went out the window. The guy was very calculating and presented well. Many never thought he was mentally ill, until he snapped and almost killed her.

People, under the influence of strong emotions, many times become blind to what is obvious to others.

So very true. It happened to me as well, though without the physical violence part. Very friendly, kind, seemingly caring at first. Then I gave him control over me. Looking back, I wonder if he was trying to drive me to suicide. At the time, my emotions prevented me from seeing the creep for what he truly was. May he rot in hell.

_____________________________

When you really trust someone, you have to be okay with not understanding some things.
~Real Live Preacher, Real Live Preacher weblog, 07-08-04; Anonymous author of RealLivePreacher.com

(in reply to velvetears)

RE: psychopath partners - 6/6/2008 10:09:00 AM

Posts: 960
Joined: 10/26/2006
From: Houston, TX
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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

quote:

ORIGINAL: stormgirl

is there anyone else here who was in a relationship with a psychopath? (not a mean person or a strange person, a down-home, diagnosed or diagnosable psychopath.) i feel stupid for being caught in that web, and like it's supposed to be a secret, so maybe i can find out whether i really am more idiotic than most folks or there are others that have been caught in it too.

According to the most recent, reliable statistics (if there is such a creature), many of us will have intimate or not-so-intimate daily dealings with a psychopath (aka "sociopath). Here is a recommendation for a book I thought was great and very illuminating: The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout. Here is a summary:

"We are accustomed to think of sociopaths as violent criminals, but in The Sociopath Next Door, Harvard psychologist Martha Stout reveals that a shocking 4 percent of ordinary people, one in 25, has an often undetected mental disorder, the chief symptom of which is that that person possesses no conscience. He or she has no ability whatsoever to feel shame, guilt, or remorse. One in 25 everyday Americans, therefore, is secretly a sociopath. They could be your colleague, your neighbor, even family. And they can do literally anything at all and feel absolutely no guilt.
How do we recognize the remorseless? One of their chief characteristics is a kind of glow or charisma that makes sociopaths more charming or interesting than the other people around them. They're more spontaneous, more intense, more complex, or even sexier than everyone else, making them tricky to identify and leaving us easily seduced. Fundamentally, sociopaths are different because they cannot love. Sociopaths learn early on to show sham emotion, but underneath they are indifferent to others' suffering. They live to dominate and thrill to win.
The fact is, we all almost certainly know at least one or more sociopaths already. Part of the urgency in reading The Sociopath Next Door is the moment when we suddenly recognize that someone we know, someone we worked for, or were involved with, or voted for, is a sociopath. But what do we do with that knowledge? To arm us against the sociopath, Dr. Stout teaches us to question authority, suspect flattery, and beware the pity play. Above all, she writes, when a sociopath is beckoning, do not join the game.
It is the ruthless versus the rest of us, and The Sociopath Next Door will show you how to recognize and defeat the devil you know."

I urge you to read this. It's really well written, easily understood and eye-opening. As someone who has encountered a few psychopaths in her time and was married to one for many years, I highly recommend it...............luci

Very eye opening indeed.

_____________________________

When you really trust someone, you have to be okay with not understanding some things.
~Real Live Preacher, Real Live Preacher weblog, 07-08-04; Anonymous author of RealLivePreacher.com

(in reply to slaveluci)

RE: psychopath partners - 6/6/2008 10:14:51 AM

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You know, for some reason, I seem to attract the crazies. Over the last 5 years, I've dated 2 people who were diagnosed bipolar, and 2 more that were clinically depressed. (And those are just the ones who were actually diagnosed...

One of my friends suggested that I make getting a complete psychiatric evaluation prerequisite to dating me...

(in reply to servantheart)

RE: psychopath partners - 6/6/2008 10:15:40 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: stormgirl

is there anyone else here who was in a relationship with a psychopath?

Yes......although, as luck would have it, I wasn't on the receiving end.

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Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

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RE: psychopath partners - 6/6/2008 11:10:51 AM

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Sociopaths can be quite charming. Mine was, until the day he snapped and I thought he was going to kill me. Still not sure why he didn't.

Cali

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RE: psychopath partners - 6/6/2008 11:12:55 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: CalifChick

Still not sure why he didn't.

Cali

Where's the fun in letting you off the hook by means of instant death?

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Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

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