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A New Switch - 10/30/2005 3:35:53 PM

KittenWithaTwist

Posts: 490
Joined: 8/3/2005
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I guess I always sort of knew I was interested in switching. With my first play partner, I topped him a few times and really enjoyed myself. I told myself I didn't like it. I had been told by hundreds of others (all online) that switches were unnatural-that no one could be both, that you had to pick one, that switches were wrong, bad, not doing it right.

A few months ago, I "came out" as a switch. I think my dominant always knew that I had the potential. He often encouraged me (and still does) to get out in the social scene with other women, but I was so shy...

Anyway...now that I am out as a switch, I am interested in topping some female friends that I have, whom I have teased in the past about topping. We are all constantly making cracks to each other about spanking or beating one another. We kiss and hug each other when we get together, or smack each others' asses, or whatever.

But it seems like the only people who are interested in playing with me are people who only know me as someone capable of dominance. It's like my friends don't believe that I am capable of dominance, or that it is a part of me.

A friend told me last weekend: "I don't think I could ever submit to you." That was really upsetting and hard to come back from. I still feel put off by her.

Has anyone else had trouble like this? Felt put off, or like...people don't believe you? I've certainly shown that I'm able. I've topped in public and actually drawn quite a few pairs of eyes. I've been thanked profusely by very impressed and pleased bottoms. So why can't my friends see that?

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RE: A New Switch - 10/30/2005 4:04:53 PM

LadyJulieAnn

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Joined: 6/29/2005
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I think it's sometimes difficult for people close to you to get past the idea they have of you if they know you well in one particular role. If your friend has to be able to get into a particular mindset to submit, it might really be difficult for her to let herself go when she knows you only as a sub. I have some submissive male friends who I think would be shocked if they knew I was capable of submitting when the mood struck me (heck- I was shocked myself), and I would probably get the same treatment from them that you got from your friend. I don't think it's a matter of your friends not being impressed with your topping skills, but rather their inability to get passed the idea that you can be in such a different role to what they are used to seeing.

It might help to let your friends know how much you enjoy expressing that other side of you. It's part of who you are, and maybe once they realize that, they will be more accepting. It's possible that they will never feel comfortable with it, but that is no reflection on you or your abilities as a top.

Perhaps next time you see your friend who said she could never submit to you, you can shrug your shoulders, smack her ass, and say "Your loss.", giving her a little wink before walking away.

I wish you luck,
Julie

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RE: A New Switch - 10/30/2005 5:04:01 PM

ImpGrrl

Posts: 575
Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KittenWithaTwist
But it seems like the only people who are interested in playing with me are people who only know me as someone capable of dominance. It's like my friends don't believe that I am capable of dominance, or that it is a part of me.

A friend told me last weekend: "I don't think I could ever submit to you." That was really upsetting and hard to come back from. I still feel put off by her.

Has anyone else had trouble like this? Felt put off, or like...people don't believe you? I've certainly shown that I'm able. I've topped in public and actually drawn quite a few pairs of eyes. I've been thanked profusely by very impressed and pleased bottoms. So why can't my friends see that?

It could be that you just don't vibe dominant *to them*.

I don't believe that people are all either d or s - I think it depends on the relationship, and the chemistry, between two people.

A person may choose to never get into a relationship with those who are more dominant than they are - and thus are always "the dominant" in their relationships. Ditto submissive.

But some people are capabable of being fulfilled in relationships with either/both those who are more dominant or/and those who are more submissive.

Also - I think it's worth pointing out that "bottoming" needn't equal "submitting".

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RE: A New Switch - 10/30/2005 6:33:11 PM

harleygirl72

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Joined: 10/7/2005
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Have your friends ever let a female known to them Top them? If not, that may be your problem. Being a female switch myself, I will not let other women top me. Not that i don't like them and wouldn't play with them, but I wouldn't let them top me. I would let a guy dominate us, but not another female.

Think of it this way: Have you ever had a female friend, become your boss? No longer your equal, but now someone you answer to. Talk to them and see if that might be their mind set. By topping them, you are no longer their equal, a sub, you are a dominate.

< Message edited by harleygirl72 -- 10/30/2005 6:52:35 PM >

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RE: A New Switch - 10/30/2005 7:23:01 PM

ImpGrrl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: harleygirl72

Think of it this way: Have you ever had a female friend, become your boss? No longer your equal, but now someone you answer to. Talk to them and see if that might be their mind set. By topping them, you are no longer their equal, a sub, you are a dominate.

But - this is in the realm of *play*. Play. Top and bottom. Still social equals outside of the scene, unless otherwise negotiated in the ongoing relationship between the two.

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RE: A New Switch - 10/30/2005 8:07:15 PM

Evanesce

Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
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quote:

Anyway...now that I am out as a switch, I am interested in topping some female friends that I have, whom I have teased in the past about topping. We are all constantly making cracks to each other about spanking or beating one another. We kiss and hug each other when we get together, or smack each others' asses, or whatever.

But it seems like the only people who are interested in playing with me are people who only know me as someone capable of dominance. It's like my friends don't believe that I am capable of dominance, or that it is a part of me.

A friend told me last weekend: "I don't think I could ever submit to you." That was really upsetting and hard to come back from. I still feel put off by her.

Has anyone else had trouble like this? Felt put off, or like...people don't believe you? I've certainly shown that I'm able. I've topped in public and actually drawn quite a few pairs of eyes. I've been thanked profusely by very impressed and pleased bottoms. So why can't my friends see that?

Because your friends have always "known" you in a specific role, and it's very difficult to view someone you've known one way as being something different from what you're accustomed to. There is also the possibility that your friends just don't feel comfortable doing a scene with someone they view as a friend. For them, maybe it would feel weird. If your friends are all submissive, and they've always known you as submissive, they may never be able to view you as a dominant woman. That's not necessarily a bad thing. It's just human nature.

As for all those hundreds of online folks who say there is no such thing as a switch... well... consider the source.

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RE: A New Switch - 10/30/2005 8:24:56 PM

Sensualips

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I have also noticed that sometimes people consider a switch someone who has not yet made up his/her mind or "discovered their true nature."

I do think a friendship is more valuable than proving yourself as a top/domme. If she is not comfortable with you in that role, does it have to be an insult or something upsetting? Do you think you were bothered because you feel she isn't accepting you? I would think about why that comment bothered me so much and try and identify that.

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RE: A New Switch - 10/31/2005 6:35:41 AM

harleygirl72

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quote:

But - this is in the realm of *play*. Play. Top and bottom. Still social equals outside of the scene, unless otherwise negotiated in the ongoing relationship between the two. ImpGrrl

Yes and no. It is Play to some and more serious to others. I cannot give control over to a switch or a former Sub, male or female. It is a mind thing for me. I am not willing to submit to anyone but my Dom and again would not submit to another female. Some subs might not like another woman dominating them. Could be as simple as that.

< Message edited by harleygirl72 -- 10/31/2005 6:36:37 AM >

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RE: A New Switch - 10/31/2005 9:28:42 AM

Nuke718

Posts: 240
Joined: 8/2/2005
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Kitten,

There are about a bazillion reasons why somebody doesn't want to top, sub to, or have sex with another person. My advice is not to push a good friend into something they do not feel comfortable with. They can care about you, respect you as a top, and STILL not be interested in scening with you.

Going forward you will get plenty of folks who will tell you you cant be a REAL top, or bottom, or Dom or sub in a scene (or relationship) becasue you are a switch and don't get it. They are full of BS, but having those good friends to vent to (regardless of whether they play with you or not) will help a lot.

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RE: A New Switch - 11/2/2005 8:38:31 AM

WickedKev

Posts: 305
Joined: 11/26/2004
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One of my first subs was a switch. She loved to dominate other women but she submitted to me. Worked out well, she was a lovely lady and knew just what she wanted from the lifestyle

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Those who can make you believe absurdities
can make you commit atrocities.
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It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong
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RE: A New Switch - 11/2/2005 10:09:09 AM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
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quote:

But it seems like the only people who are interested in playing with me are people who only know me as someone capable of dominance. It's like my friends don't believe that I am capable of dominance, or that it is a part of me.

A friend told me last weekend: "I don't think I could ever submit to you." That was really upsetting and hard to come back from. I still feel put off by her.

Has anyone else had trouble like this? Felt put off, or like...people don't believe you? I've certainly shown that I'm able. I've topped in public and actually drawn quite a few pairs of eyes. I've been thanked profusely by very impressed and pleased bottoms. So why can't my friends see that?

I would not take the actions of your friends so deeply. I have Dom friends that I have gotten to know as well as their subs...I wouldn't put up with them as a sub and consider some of them VERY good friends. Honestly as a Switch I file this under I like and respect them as people but could never Dom/ sub them because I know too much about them. For me this gets filed right next to your kink isn't necessarily my kink.
I have only had 1 person that I have been able to submit too completely & maintain that friendship still. People that know me as a powerful female force kind of freak out when I am with this person and easily bow to his will/desires and on occasion serve him. Even my current sub was confused at first by my identification as a Switch. He even admitted that all of his reading had let him to believe that Switches were preditory sexual creatures only out for their own needs. After talking to him at great length before meeting and being together as a couple for a while I asked him about this again. He has since come to the conclusion that he is "the luckiest lil subbie in the world because his mistress understands his feelings". Not sure that being a Switch specifically has anything to do with that but shhhh

So anyway wrapping up on your final question why can't friends see you as a dominant force to be reconed with. Frankly probably because they have either met you as a sub and gotten to know you in that context or that they know you on such a personal level that in their mind the switch (pardon the pun) is difficult. I would just be yourself. These same people pushing you in one direction or the other will eventually be the same ones begging to be at the end of your flogger, etc after seeing you in action a few times.

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RE: A New Switch - 11/2/2005 8:11:35 PM

HerJewel

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I don't really like labels much, but they serve to help people quickly put you in a category that they can then deal with. When someone very shy, reserved and 'helpful' can also be very assertive when the need arises, to meet my own or someone elses needs, some people become all discombobulated. I've been called a switch by dommes, and dominant by submissives, and it doesn't bother me, really. I just like being myself. Just as my gender expression is usually 'tomboyish', and when someone 'dresses' me up, I am met with alot of incredulous stares and comments. This does not deter me from being myself, however I feel like or need to be in the moment. I think fluidity is a wonderful thing, and going with the flow, of energy, or demands or appropriateness of a situation simply shows adaptability, and this is a good thing, I think. I always think of the analogy my Psych professor gave us for adaptability. One changes their 'dance' according to the music that is playing, instead of dancing the same dance to different songs, expecting others to accomodate their only style. I think adaptability, fluidity, learning and growing to get along well in life, and to be true to onesself and genuine with others iswhat we should concern ourselves with, not other people's opinions or labels of us.

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RE: A New Switch - 11/4/2005 7:08:19 AM

tasha_tart

Posts: 385
Joined: 2/20/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sensualips

I have also noticed that sometimes people consider a switch someone who has not yet made up his/her mind or "discovered their true nature."

It's not only switches that are viewed that way. I have met Doms who firmly believe that women can never be truly dominant...that a Domme is a sub that just hasn't met the right master.

It's funny...people that are that blessed with ESP...should be getting rich on the stock market...not trying to rain on others' parades.

Tasha

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