Sensualips
Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
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I often have trouble blending my professional life, personal/social life, and family life. This seems especially true around holidays and themed events.
Last year I received an invitation to a Halloween party. Actually, it was my children that received the invitation. It was being organized by a group of women drunk with smugness over being devoted SAHMs. For those unfamiliar a SAHM is a stay at home mom. This is as opposed to a WAHM or, God forbid, a WOHM. I enjoy SAHM in general and applaud their choices. Except when they disapprove of mine.
I am a WOHM. Normally I would, by definition, have little contact with SAHMs. But these particular SAHM were the wives of men my ex works with. They seem obligated to include my children in their little rituals, possibly in an effort to try and determine if the whispers about my bisexuality and kinks actually were the reason for the pending divorce. I sometimes go, because it annoys my husband’s new girlfriend. Thus the party invitation which read:
Please join us for spooky fun and a goblin good time. Bring a Halloween craft project or recipe, along with printed instructions, to share with the group. Moms and kids should both come in costume.
I had barely opened the envelope with Perky Polly called for my RSVP. I was still stammering when she said, “It’s okay if YOU don’t bring anything. What with working and your, you know, lifestyle – you probably don’t have time to do those kinds of fun things with your kids. We all know you aren’t really a “hands on” kind of person. But you all can still come, right?”
Look here, you condescending bitch. I spent five years in a preschool classroom and another two as director of a large child care center. I can make styrofoam cup ghosts, paper sack pumpkins, and a witch out of an ice cream cone and green icing. If I wanted to come to your freakish vanilla social gathering I damn well could bring a fucking project to share.
I said we would be there. As I worked, I wrote out the instructions below.
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Oreo Spiders
This creepy crawlie taste treat is a hit with kids of all ages. All you need are double stuffed oreos, black liquorice, and red hots. Follow the simple step by step instructions below for fantastic spiders that look as good as they taste! (Especially with Prozak or maybe a line of coke.)
1) Go to the grocery store. Purchase two bags of oreos, because they are on sale. Buy red hots. Determine this store has red liquorice, but not black. Also purchase a carton of ice cream, KY jelly, and stop by the liquor store for wine on the way home.
2) Go to the second store. Politely inquire where black liquorice might be located. Explain you need the thin rope kind because the thick chews will not make good spider legs. Ignore the blank stares.
3) Hit the third grocery store. Remind your increasingly irritable children that you are ONLY buying black liquorice. Inform the preschooler that cocoa puffs are not black liquorice and no, chewing gum is also not black liquorice. Search endlessly up and down the aisles, much like a predatory wannabe cruising for submissive flesh (which is also not black liquorice.) Say to yourself, “screw it” and grab a package of red instead. The kind they had at the first store. Also buy the chewing gum.
4) Assemble your children and the assorted neighbor children at the table. Tell them what fun they will have making yummy spiders. Use the voice even you can not stand.
5) Cut the liquorice into pieces approximately 2-3 inches in length. Gently remove the top cookie of the oreo and press eight pieces liquorice into the frosting. Reassemble the cookie. Press the red hots into side of the cookie to resemble eyes. In theory.
6) Cheerfully inform you children it is a little tricky. Open the bottle of wine. Repeat the above step, without breaking the cookie. Try again. Again. Let the children try. Again.
7) Note the all cookies are gone and ask the kindergartner where they are. Watch him plead ignorance, chocolate crumbs still on his lips. Mentally congratulate yourself for raising a child that is too inept to lie properly. Realize once he learns how to use online communication, that will all change. Open the second package.
9) Repeat Step 5. Give up on attempting to have eight legs and settle for six. Or less. Spiders don’t really need eyes either.
10) Dunk broken cookies into wine. Banish children to backyard. The artistic flunkies have no imagination anyway.
11) Ponder sending the plate of yummy, scary candy spiders to the god damned party anyway, realizing that no one's parents will let them eat candy that isn't hermetically sealed for their kids' protection. Especially if it's from the mom dressed in black leather for the Halloween party, insisting fettish pornography is a perfectly acceptable form of artistic expression, and whose children are currently outside tying each other up with jump ropes.
12) Drink remaining wine. Suddenly realize you are not just a domestically challenged single mother and have many options. Call up the submissive boy toy and require that he complete the project by 7 pm. As a reward for outstanding spider work, he will be tied to a chair and choked repeatedly.
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This year I am skipping the mommy-kid party. Instead I am trick or treating with the kids alone, returning them home with a sitter for the night, and then going to my own Halloween dungeon party. I think it may work out better for us all.
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