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BitaTruble -> Yet more advice for new seekers (6/20/2008 12:16:12 AM)
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I have to run away for a few days, but wanted to get this posted before I left. It's just advice, it's just one perspective. It's written from my mostly submissive point of view, but there may be a thing or two for other orientations as well. For what it's worth ...
Welcome to the place where fantasy mingles with reality. Where the lines society has drawn between right and wrong are often blurred and sometimes erased. In this place you may find things which surprise you, delight you, repel you, intrigue you, scare you, amuse you or even bore you to tears. If you decide to stay, you may also find some simple truths about yourself.
If you are looking and you get a little bit lucky, you might find someone who wants to know the person you are and wants to share in your adventures or even your life.
Outside of BDSM, the worlds population swims in a vast ocean and almost anyone may be available as a potential mate. BDSM though, is not so vast. More the pond than sea so there are significantly less people. That cuts down drastically on your odds. Looking for particular traits, personalities or body types will all serve to shrink your options.
I'm not going to kid you, your odds actually are better in Vegas but it's not hopeless so keep the faith and don't worry too much about the end of the road. It's the journey that's the real adventure anyway! You can find extraordinary, but the funny thing is, it often looks so damn ordinary it's hard to see so, keep your eyes peeled.
Okay, so who the hell am I to give you advice?
That's a very fair question.
My name is Celeste and during the past two plus decades, I've made pretty much every bonehead mistake in the book. Despite my almost inhuman ability to seek out and make mistakes, I'm also pretty good at learning from them. For the last 12 years I've been fortunate to share a solid relationship with a pretty cool guy who happens to be a dominant. He's not quite the fuck up I am but he does have his moments.
I've written a bit, played a bit, traveled a bit, started a BDSM org or two and have experienced life from both sides of the flogger. Whether or not my CV qualifies me to give advice is, ultimately, up to you. If some of what I say has value to you, great. If not, don't worry about it. It's just advice, not a rule book.
Okay, onwards and upwards!
So brand new to spanking .. er, brand spanking new and not sure where to start?
My advice is to start with what you know.
You probably know a whole lot more than you think you do and you know stuff which no one else does. You know the life you've lived thus far. No one else has the knowledge of your experiences to draw upon, your feelings and reactions, your way of being or your way of thinking. They are yours alone which makes you rather unique! You bring with you all the skill sets you learned through your school years, your career, dealing with friends, family, professionals and co-workers. Every Top I've ever met who loves Shibari* all started in the exact same way. They learned to tie their shoes. All you really have to do is recognize your many skill sets in order to tap their value. Everything you know has the potential to be of value to someone, so keep that in mind when you start to engage in conversations with those who are of interest to you.
Something which may help with that is self-analysis. Look at yourself in the mirror and be as brutally honest as you can with your reflection. You have strengths to draw upon and probably some weaknesses to conquer. When you know your strengths you can use them to your advantage. When you know your weaknesses you can start working on shedding those things which don't serve you well. This process can take years, in fact, it will probably take a lifetime if you choose to continue to grow and evolve. Expect surprises!
Look closely at what you think you need and want. You can cover pretty much everything just by close and honest examination of those two things. It can be anything from any category; physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, financial etc. Eventually, you'll need to share those discoveries with potential partners as you mutually assess your compatibility. As you spend some time in BDSM you may come across things you had not thought of or someone may bring things up that strike a cord of fancy within you. There's always room for Jello so don't be afraid to fill yourself up! If you don't like a particular flavor, just push it away. This buffet is eat all you want, not eat all that's there.
Oh, and let me just throw the tiniest little monkey wrench into this cornucopia. It's quite possible that even after all the internal reflection, the moments, minutes, months or years that you've been scrounging around inside yourself, what you want could change in an instant so then you'll need to delve back into the wildnerness of your own mind and say, "Self? Is this what you still want?" The future remains forever mutuable and if you're anything like me, your crystal ball is still at the fix-it shop and you just can't tell what's going to happen! Just be honest in your communication with self and your partners and it's all good.
All that self-assessing you're doing needs to include assessing what it is that you really want in a partner and what you are willing to offer in return. What you offer is very important because you may run into a lot of potential partners who want things from you that you're simply not willing to give. Everyone is entitled to their wants but they are not entitled to you providing them. Chalk such things up to incompatibility and move along. Most folks are going to be incompatible with you so spend your time wisely and cut your losses as quickly as possible.
Since I just said that the process of knowing yourself may be never-ending, it would be rather silly for me to advise that you wait until that process is complete before you actually begin exploring BDSM. You don't stand in line for 4 hours at Disneyland waiting to ride the Matterhorn because you like standing in lines, right? You want to get on that roller coaster and start the ride! Well, get in line then! Go on.
What? What's that you say? You're not sure which line to get in? Well, then you'll need a ...
Label
Say that word and a whole lot of folks are going to roll their eyes. Lots of us into BDSM love cages but we hate boxes! Don't worry about it for right now. We'll get to it in a moment. If you're looking for a partner, you'll need to slap one on your ass. Slave, submissive, Master, bottom, maid, doormat, Top, servant, handmaiden, sissy, switch etc. are just some of the choices and any or all of them may fit. In the end, a label is simply a place to start. How you define it is going to have to be explained to anyone you meet anyway. Someone calling themselves a Master may very well be one, but they may not match exactly or even at all with your idea of a Master. So, while you may believe that the label of slave is going to be perfect for the label of Master the truth is, it's not the labels which have to match, it's the people wearing them. Just pick the label you feel the most comfortable with for right now because if it gets itchy or uncomfortable you can steam it off and attach a new one later if need be or get rid of it all together. For now, if you want authority and/or to give pain dominant or top will work. If you want someone else to have the authority and/or you want to receive pain, submissive or bottom will work. If you want it all, use switch. Nothing is set in stone!
If you don't choose some sort of label, then be prepared to have every male, female, intersexed, straight, gay, bisexual, master, mistress, submissive, slave, top, bottom, switch, butler, cd, tg, handmaiden and, well, hell .. see what I mean about labels? There are so many of them I don't have room to fit them all into the space I have! Narrowing your field is going to be to your benefit. So shrug off those rolled eyes and just do what you have to do. The only one wading through your email box is you!
Okay, so you are in the process of assessing your strengths and weaknesses, what you have to offer, hopefully at least some idea of what it is you want and will or will not compromise upon.
Oh wait. We didn't do that yet, did we? Compromise on what you will or will not do? This is another one of those things that's going to garner a lot of rolled eyes because we call those ...
Limits
And let me tell you, there are going to be very few subjects which will garner as much heat among a group of BDSM afficienado's as a discussion on limits!
I'm going to keep this short and sweet. These are the major two arguments you will hear on the subjects of limits.
If you don't have any limits, you are mentally ill or a liar.
If you do have limits you are fake.
Um, yeah. I know. Both those things sound pretty dumb when they're laid out in stark black & white contrast, don't they? No matter which way you swing you lose. As the wise Joshua said in War Games, the only way not to lose is not to play so I'm going to give you a little trick right now which should stave off either being thought of as mentally ill or fake.
It's a matter of circumstance.
In other words, there may very well be things to which I will never consent but which may, by a matter of circumstance, be forced upon me.
There may very well be things that I will only consent to do with someone I respect or care about. It's a matter of circumstance.
There may be things that I will only consent to do with someone who owns me or who I own. Again, it's a matter of circumstance.
When you are engaging in brand new conversations, whether with a dominant, submissive or someone of some other orientation and they ask you that limits question, if you tell them it's a matter of circumstance, you may just open an old mind to new possibilities.
Okay, moving on. Where were we?
Oh yeah. It's time to get those expectations of yours out into the open and examine them to see if they're realistic.
Let's just assume for the moment that God is really busy so doesn't have time to answer your email. If you confine your search to mere mortals inhabiting this little slab of dirt it will cut down on time and increase your chances for success. You can always put your partner on a pedestal later. Take note, the higher the pedestal, the harder it is to stay on it. It can wobble and collapse, so be careful. The fall from a great height can kill even the most stalwart among us and if you happen to be standing under them when they fall, you can take some significant damage yourself. So, just keep in mind there are consequences for mortals playing with God-like beings.
There are consequences to damn near everything.
If you have been squashed by a God-like being who has fallen off the pedastal which you put them on, you can repeat the mistake and keep building those shaky pedastals or, you can learn the lesson and realize that humans are fallible but generally more stable when their feet are planted firmly on the ground.
Speaking of learning, you may run into someone who, like me, is a ..
Mentor
Generally, that's someone who has already walked the path you are about to step on. As a female of the submissive persuassion, I tend to mentor other females of the submissive persuassion.
Please read this next part very careful. It might be the most important sentence in this entire article.
My advice to you is not to listen to me.
Wait! Wait! Let me rephrase that a bit.
My advice to you is not to listen to 'just' me.
Asking a diverse group of folks the same question will garner you, of course, diverse answers and even though one person may say the exact same thing as another, the overall tone, style or way they say it may speak to you in the way another voice does not. When you hear (or read) the one which resonates with you, that's your gut telling you that it's probably the idea that you should consider first. That doesn't mean you can't consider other viewpoints but your gut instinct is your ultimate mentor and best friend. When used in conjunction with your mind it packs a powerful one-touch punch and when you add in that little thing that thumps behind the ribcage in your chest you are well on your way to finding the best answer to whatever it is that you question about life, the Universe and everything except for algebra. For that, you'll still need to study.
Okay, so let's say you've beat the Vegas odds and Jimmy the Greek (yeah, he's dead, I know but work with me here) has paid out the big bucks because you've managed to find yourself a compatible partner. You want what they've got, they want what you've got so let the BDSM begin. You now have yourself a certified, bonafied, honest to god, flesh and blood .. you know, whatever.
So, now what?
This is the easy part and by coincidence sometimes the hardest part. You've done your homework. You've taken the time to find someone compatible. You and your partner are on the same page in the same book.
For the submissive types, now all you have to do is follow his lead. That's the easy part. The hard part is, you have to follow his lead.
It's time to let go of the reins and put them into the hands of the one you have determined is competent to handle them. It's time for the talk to stop and the walk to begin. You'll probably stumble a time or two or twelve and that's okay. Your new dominant is going to stumble as well. When that happens you can pick up some rocks and throw them at his head or you can reach out a hand and help him to his feet. That choice will always remain yours.
For the dominant types, you, too, have it both easy and difficult. You have chosen the role of leadership. You have the authority in the relationship which you have chosen and sometimes it's hard to control those wild horses when you hold the reins. It's your path so it's up to you to make the way clear if you want someone to follow you. Keep in mind that those who are behind you will have the opportunity to pick up the rocks you leave in their way and throw them at your head! Keep in mind, too, that if you are so focused on what's in front of you and fail to turn around on occasion and acknowledge those who are behind you, you may find that you've been walking alone for a long time. You will have exactly the submissive you deserve. To have the submissive you want you have to be the sort of dominant who is able to attract and keep that sort of submissive. That, too, is always your choice.
So, the end of this article marks the beginning of your own story.
What are you waiting for? Go out and start your story! You get to determine the plot, the people, the location and what elements you'll include in it. You take care of all that stuff and the end will write itself.
*Shibari - a form of Japanese rope bondage often quite beautiful in its execution
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