Doms, Daddys, Life Partners

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hejira92 -> Doms, Daddys, Life Partners (6/27/2008 1:59:41 PM)
About a week ago, Master was in the mood to see my tears, so He went old school, got a paddle and put me across His lap. It worked (still black and blue). He started paddling, and paddling, and paddling until I was a sobbing mess. Then, He had me straddle His lap (on my sore bum- another entertainment for Him) and He held me as I cried. He told me to let it out. But as strange thing happened as I was crying. My tears ceased to be about the pain and became emotional. I have written here about my son leaving for the Marines in the fall. Well, I realized that I was crying in mourning for him leaving. I needed to share this, so I told Master, “I’m not ready for him to leave” between sobs. When Master realized what I was saying, He quickly changed from His “Dom hat” to His “Daddy (or even, dare-I-say, Life Partner) hat”. He consoled me, and spoke to me about the situation and how I am handling it. He helped a lot (as He always does). I have a sneaking suspicion that He wanted or expected some cathartic action on my part- He often notes emotional upset in me when I don’t recognize it. But, He would never tell me or discuss those things with me. My question is- How do you (dominants) deal with situations where you need to change “hats” so to speak. Or do you? Will you just do what you want to and deal with things after the scene? Is this type of thing one of the things that you monitor? Is it common? Oh, the next day, He put His Dom hat back on because He recognized that I had not had aftercare for the spanking, and I was a little out of it. (I just thought I was tired). So, He had to care for me in two very different ways in a short period of time. (Boy, you can see why I think I get the better end of this relationship, don’t you?)

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Doms, Daddys, Life Partners (6/27/2008 2:06:56 PM)
Well for me it's simply that changing hats just means changing my approach. I can wear multiple hats at once. Especially when the two are so similar in terms of authority and responsibility expectations, it's really a matter of tone than of actual nature changing. How do I deal with them? Sometimes well, sometimes crappy. Generally it's just going with the flow.

SirMIkeSD -> RE: Doms, Daddys, Life Partners (6/27/2008 2:20:32 PM)
Wearing many hats is just a normal part of it. I must have 50 of them for home, work, play, etc. Mike

Stusmobile -> RE: Doms, Daddys, Life Partners (6/27/2008 2:26:40 PM)
Being the Dominant in the relationship I see no problem with wearing many hats at different times or even at the same time if needed. Her metal, physical and emotional well being are my responsibilities, if I need to bring an aspect of me to the fore to deal with an issue then it happens. It's not a conscious change but an empathic one, that deeper connection that allows moods and feelings to be picked up at an almost subconscious level. Her well being or lack of well being affects me directly and so I want her to be at her very best and if I need to be comforting, rational or just sit and hold her for an hour then it will happen.

Lumus -> RE: Doms, Daddys, Life Partners (6/27/2008 3:26:29 PM)
I have a sneaking suspicion I wear the same hat, and it just bobbles into different angles and positions as I bounce along. I'll let Rain comfirm or deny that one, I'm not much for judging myself...[bias, y'know]. I just do what makes sense. Sometimes, intentionally, even.

LadyRainfire -> RE: Doms, Daddys, Life Partners (6/27/2008 4:19:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lumus I have a sneaking suspicion I wear the same hat, and it just bobbles into different angles and positions as I bounce along. I'll let Rain comfirm or deny that one, I'm not much for judging myself...[bias, y'know]. I just do what makes sense. Sometimes, intentionally, even. Rain here... I'm not sure I'm a good one for judging Lumus because I know I'm biased, especially since living with him. I will say that in our relationship, his analogy of the same hat, different angles, is a good one. He makes perfectly clear sense at almost all times (ok, so at 3 in the morning and he's asleep, he mumbles a little...) and he makes himself clear to me. The area that needs working on is my communication with him. I try to analyze myself too much first and discount my feelings without telling him. He is aware of me and what is going on at all times, it seems. We don't "scene" per se but have our times. We are 24/7 live-in so that may be different from what others experience. Lumus is very good at being what I need, when I need it. Daddy, Master, Lover, partner, friend, all of these and more. Even more so, he is what I need even when I don't know it and what I need when I don't need anything but him. Sounds silly, romantic and trite but he really does complete? fulfill? satisfy something inside my life that I didn't know was there. He is the partner of my life that I didn't know I wanted. [;)] Ok, romantic gush over......

sirsholly -> RE: Doms, Daddys, Life Partners (6/27/2008 4:21:55 PM)
aww....Rain...that is so sweet!! You and Lumus are so blessed to have each other!

hejira92 -> RE: Doms, Daddys, Life Partners (6/27/2008 4:43:59 PM)
Thank you, everyone, for your responses. I guess I may have wondered if it was ok that I switched emotionally so quickly from sub to worried mom. And I was amazed and grateful at how easily and willingly He adapted and changed tactics and tones to deal with me. Stus- You make absolute sense and it sounds very much like Master would say. And, Rain, isn't it amazing? I'm in awe, everyday.

DarkSteven -> RE: Doms, Daddys, Life Partners (6/27/2008 4:59:09 PM)
Beautiful. A lot of HNGs think that being a Dom is being able to order a womsn to suck your dick whenver you want. hejira, your post shows what being a Dom is REALLY like. It's determining what is best for your sub and then making yourself perform the role she needs at that point.

mbes -> RE: Doms, Daddys, Life Partners (6/27/2008 5:29:39 PM)
But surely the part where you get to order someone to suck your dick at will is good as well? I love the "same hat, different angles" analogy! Adjusting style a bit to what works best at any given time is a valuable skill to me.

DesFIP -> RE: Doms, Daddys, Life Partners (6/27/2008 6:23:25 PM)
He can always get a blow job later. He can't later make up for not being there for me when I'm in need. Nor could I if I ignored him in emotional distress. People remember these things and people who care about their partners, and the strength of the relationship, do what is required when required.

CruelDesires -> RE: Doms, Daddys, Life Partners (6/27/2008 6:42:56 PM)
The mind is such a fabulous instrument with almost limitless paths and capabilities that are in view as well as hidden from everyone up to and including its owner. When one starts delving into all its intricacies, one never knows what they will uncover both good or bad. Evoking an emotional response from someone else can be quite fulfilling as well as also being fraught with potential dangers. One never knows when something someone says or does will set off a hidden landmine when one starts playing with or exploring another persons psyche. Part of taking responsibility as a mature individual is understanding the consequences of your actions when you start delving into that type of emotionally fraught play and sharing between consenting adults. Part of being a responsible Dominant is taking responsibility when you uncover something that is not expected or looked for when the play starts. I've had a submissive tell me in the past when we were talking about playing together in public, that she was worried that she would let me down or in some way not live up to my expectations during a scene. She was worried that something she would do or say would reflect badly on me and that she was extremely uncomfortable with the scene somehow going wrong because of a mistake she would make. I chuckled at her and told her that I was the one in control. I asked her why she would be worried that something might go wrong as I was the one who was calling the shots and who was the one who was setting the pace and controlling all the flow of play/interaction. I do not necessarily see it as a hat that I put on and take off when different things happen in life. I see it as a small part of the larger complex part of who I am at any given time. All these parts are combined and the part that someone else sees is that part that is at the foremost at that particular time and place and need. Edit> hejira > Please send my regards to your Sir. :) CD

kinkypuppy2 -> RE: Doms, Daddys, Life Partners (6/27/2008 9:47:19 PM)
Yes its essential to wear many hats.

HeavansKeeper -> RE: Doms, Daddys, Life Partners (6/28/2008 3:43:40 AM)
I smiled. Thats a beautiful story, Hejira. I can't quite focus what I want to say, and don't want to tell another "In my household" story. Your master certainly seems to have earned that title. I haven't considered in what ways the physical can help manifest the emotional, that is, physically make you sob in pain, only to have it become emotional. It would be like forcing a slave to make a smile, and then she gets happy. (Not sure if I believe what I've read about that). My Pet tells me I do a better job of recognizing emotional distress in her than she does. I force her to spit it out, sometimes through humiliation (to get the ball rolling). When she's brought to tears, I comfort her. I once told her when she is the river, I am the stone.

MasterHermes -> RE: Doms, Daddys, Life Partners (6/28/2008 3:56:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: hejira92 Thank you, everyone, for your responses. I guess I may have wondered if it was ok that I switched emotionally so quickly from sub to worried mom. And I was amazed and grateful at how easily and willingly He adapted and changed tactics and tones to deal with me. Yes its ok and normal. . In an established relationship , of course you wont be able to hide your emotions forever. It is very normal for him to change from Dom to Caring Daddy too. It sounds to me it all flowed as it was supposed to. Be Well Hermes

WyldHrt -> RE: Doms, Daddys, Life Partners (6/28/2008 4:13:16 AM)
quote: My Pet tells me I do a better job of recognizing emotional distress in her than she does. I force her to spit it out, sometimes through humiliation (to get the ball rolling). When she's brought to tears, I comfort her I think this is just what Hejira was talking about in the OP, actually. The question seems to be how Doms handle the rapid emotional/role switch needed when the dam breaks and the raw emotions come through.

HeavansKeeper -> RE: Doms, Daddys, Life Partners (6/28/2008 4:41:47 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WyldHrt quote: My Pet tells me I do a better job of recognizing emotional distress in her than she does. I force her to spit it out, sometimes through humiliation (to get the ball rolling). When she's brought to tears, I comfort her I think this is just what Hejira was talking about in the OP, actually. The question seems to be how Doms handle the rapid emotional/role switch needed when the dam breaks and the raw emotions come through. "We do what we must because we can."

WyldHrt -> RE: Doms, Daddys, Life Partners (6/28/2008 4:57:38 AM)
I agree. Lumus' hat jiggling post seems apt here. The "hat" isn't important, but the response and awareness to the emotional state of your sub is. If a Dom intentionally provokes an emotional release from his sub (no matter the method), he should be prepared to deal with the consequences, physical and emotional. Hope that made sense.

celticlord2112 -> RE: Doms, Daddys, Life Partners (6/28/2008 7:48:31 AM)
quote: My question is- How do you (dominants) deal with situations where you need to change “hats” so to speak. Or do you? Will you just do what you want to and deal with things after the scene? Is this type of thing one of the things that you monitor? Is it common? I don't "change hats". My slave doesn't stop being my slave just because she's having a bad day. Whether she's sobbing in sorrow, cursing in frustration, laughing in joy, or moaning in ecstasy, she is always my slave. I am always her master. Master and slave aren't "hats", but who we are. Whether I am spanking her, caressing her, fucking her, or doing something perversely vanilla such as talking to her, I am still master and she is still slave.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Doms, Daddys, Life Partners (6/28/2008 10:24:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CruelDesires I chuckled at her and told her that I was the one in control. I asked her why she would be worried that something might go wrong as I was the one who was calling the shots and who was the one who was setting the pace and controlling all the flow of play/interaction. Well just because you're "ultimately" in control doesn't mean everything is going to go exactly as you in your head desire it to go. Subs and slaves still have responsibilities and expectations to uphold and must carry them out independently. This is why Ms is not about control to me- it's about authority. You can't literally control what comes out of their mouths unless you use a gag and that's a rough all or nothing barbaric approach to be called "control." So her worries are still legitimate, I would have taken the approach that she simply needed to remember her training, remember that you have faith in her or wouldn't be allowing her that experience, and that mistakes could be remedied later.

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