RE: for lack of better word fighting her to get her to submit like she in some way desires to.

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RE: for lack of better word fighting her to get her to ... - 6/28/2008 12:54:11 PM

favesclava

Posts: 1608
Joined: 2/15/2007
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if a man gives in to my whining or demands he will not be able to dominate me ever. this kept me from finding my true self for a long time. when Master first met me , He gave small commands and i obeyed instantly. it was in His eyes and His voice that it was expected for me to obey and i wouldnt like it if i didnt. by the end of our first meet i was His . because He would never give in and let me know it.

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(in reply to YourhandMyAss)

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RE: for lack of better word fighting her to get her to ... - 6/28/2008 1:06:12 PM

YourhandMyAss

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Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
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favesclava I have to admit I really kind of like having my own way and him giving into me, But on the other hand, on issues that are important, and affect both of us, either indirectly or directly I don't like that I have wiggle room to refuse.

(in reply to favesclava)

Post #: 22

RE: for lack of better word fighting her to get her to ... - 6/28/2008 1:14:02 PM

sub4hire

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Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss
EXACTLY. Sometimes I end up having to become nag and shrew to get anything done. I don't want to nag and pester him but if I don't things won't get done. And it's very hard to give over control and be submissive, when you have to be mommy and nag someone to do something. Even the most basic things like pick up your trash and please throw it away and do not trash my room becomes something that needs to be nagged to get done.

There's been times where he says he'll do something and I say NOTHING bout it just wait an wait and wait, and what he prommised don't get done.

For us in our household I have my duties and he has his. Meaning...the entire house is my chore. He handles the yard, which has become quite the task in itself. If I need help I ask..and sometimes I don't get help.
Submission as a whole has its time and place unless you are just with someone who wants to micro manage everything you do. I knew a guy who was big into micro management he was a sadist and that was the reason why he was so deeply involved. Its hard to do everything perfect when nothing makes sense you are being told to do.
Everyone has their own rules.

Doug is quite lazy when it comes to picking up his soda glass or even plate. Yet, its part of the relationship..a part I signed on for. Since its my job to clean the house that means its also my job to clean up after him.
Everything in your relationship is negotiated. Negotiate household chores as well.
You nagging isn't being dominant in my mind. Its nagging. Dominants don't whine..they make rules and we follow them.
Nagging does not mean you are going to be punished if you don't complete your task.

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)

Post #: 23

RE: for lack of better word fighting her to get her to ... - 6/28/2008 1:27:09 PM

hizgeorgiapeach

Posts: 1672
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fr~

YHMA - I used to be that way, a desire to submit but the personality of a switch. I fought admitting to myself that I'm NOT submissive for a long time because that's what I Wanted to be. Being dominant was Acceptable, being submissive was Acceptable, being both and neither was Not acceptable - and on many levels, it's still not though I've come to terms with things. (It's certainly not as generally accepted within the bdsm community as many would like to Think it is - the derth of hate mail I recieve on a semi-regular basis attests to that.)

It's a rare man that can induce any sort of desire to submit in me - and those rare few can only accomplish it by even rarer means which I do not readily divulge to anyone. Nope - I Won't tell someone what steps they're going to have to take to convince me that submitting to them will be a good thing for me, not even if they point blank ask (or demand) the information - if they can't figure it out on their own, without my guidance, they're in no position to exert anything like control over me and frankly don't have the strength of either personality or intelligence to accomplish it in the short term much less the long term. Using the wrong methods in either direction - to weak, or not what *I consider the right type of strength - and all they'll accomplish is causing me to sneer.

I can think of perhaps 3 guys at this point whom I consider Potentially capable of convincing me to submit - but as all 3 of them express desires for those that they don't have to deal with on that level, it's highly unlikely that it would ever come to pass. Since I know a LOT of guys who consider themselves Dominant to one degree or another, those 3 are in an exceedingly small percentage.

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RE: for lack of better word fighting her to get her to ... - 6/28/2008 1:45:48 PM

VeryMercurial

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Joined: 6/5/2006
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I am glad I am not a switch, I think I would not be sure if I was
coming or going.
I will be honest this is one of the primary reasons many people{including myself},
don't become involved in serious relationships with switches.
I think it would just be too confusing.
I hope you are able to resolve your conflicts.

< Message edited by VeryMercurial -- 6/28/2008 1:59:05 PM >

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)

Post #: 25

RE: for lack of better word fighting her to get her to ... - 6/28/2008 2:29:44 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
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sub4hire, he never told me he was lazy when we started talking or dateing, and it never occured to me, that I should have to ask are you lazy are you willing to pick up after yourself. will I have to put up with your trash all over my bedroom cause you won't pick it up. So I never agreed to have to clean up after him if I want something cleaned up.

And no, nagging doesn't mean you're dominant, but it certaintly does make me feel like I have to over see things and can not sit back and be assured he'll do as he says. He's like will you please not nag will you please take it easy, and I try to do as he asks, and he just prooves to me all over again, he won't do as he says he will unless someone lords it over his head. or beats him over the head with you said you'd do this and that you said an now you're not.

Which is I guess our ownp roblem and should be worked out, but I've talked to him a number of times about it an he never listens.Perhaps if I state it in a terms of you want my submission, you want me to not nag, but when I do that you don't follow through and I can not be submissive when my partner won't follow throught.

I don't know, all I know is the mood I am in right now has NOTHING to do with submission and more of I aint your mommy get off your lazy ass an act like an adult an don't trash my room.
.

Doug is quite lazy when it comes to picking up his soda glass or even plate. Yet, its part of the relationship..a part I signed on for. Since its my job to clean the house that means its also my job to clean up after him.
Everything in your relationship is negotiated. Negotiate household chores as well.
You nagging isn't being dominant in my mind. Its nagging. Dominants don't whine..they make rules and we follow them.
Nagging does not mean you are going to be punished if you don't complete your task.

[/quote]

< Message edited by YourhandMyAss -- 6/28/2008 2:32:17 PM >

(in reply to sub4hire)

Post #: 26

RE: for lack of better word fighting her to get her to ... - 6/28/2008 2:35:34 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

I would need the same rough no holds barred handling, even if I wasn't a switch. I was this way about submission, even when I mistakenly agreed to be my first doms sub.

I take a lot of work and a lot of preperation. I'm not ready made. I'm strong willed I'm opinionated, I am stubborn, and I have an extreamly dominant /maybe sometimes dominaeering personality.

Those are parts of who I am and my personality, and that would make strong agressive men who could show me they deserved me as a submissive, happen even if I wasn't a switch.

quote:

ORIGINAL: VeryMercurial

I am glad I am not a switch, I think I would not be sure if I was
coming or going.
I will be honest this is one of the primary reasons many people{including myself},
don't become involved in serious relationships with switches.
I think it would just be too confusing.
I hope you are able to resolve your conflicts.

< Message edited by YourhandMyAss -- 6/28/2008 2:42:09 PM >

(in reply to VeryMercurial)

Post #: 27

RE: for lack of better word fighting her to get her to ... - 6/28/2008 5:22:06 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss

sub4hire, he never told me he was lazy when we started talking or dateing, and it never occured to me, that I should have to ask are you lazy are you willing to pick up after yourself. will I have to put up with your trash all over my bedroom cause you won't pick it up. So I never agreed to have to clean up after him if I want something cleaned up.

Hehe, I doubt anyone would tell us they were lazy. Who would want to be with them if they did? I totally understand your frustration. Me, I don't even bother to ask anymore. I've been told over and over its my job...so, I look at it that way. It's my job and if I don't want people coming over to visit our pig pen I have to clean it up. I'm just overly thankful when I do get a helping hand.

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)

Post #: 28

RE: for lack of better word fighting her to get her to ... - 6/28/2008 6:21:13 PM

YourhandMyAss

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Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

*grinning* No, I bet not a lot of people would be announcing hey guess what I am lazy and will probably be annoying yo with my lazyness

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Post #: 29

RE: for lack of better word fighting her to get her to ... - 6/28/2008 10:47:47 PM

hermione83

Posts: 393
Joined: 8/1/2007
Status: offline

I'm definitely a switch, I'm all slavey here .. but I have a serious time submitting due to defenses if he doesn't prove he can force me, order me, control me, scare me with a tone of voice.. etc. Then I turn into a kitten. :P Plus it's just hot.

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)

Post #: 30

RE: for lack of better word fighting her to get her to ... - 6/28/2008 10:52:51 PM

YourhandMyAss

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Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

At this point I am threatening to charge him for maid services. I'll do it, but he owes me BIG for doing it.

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Post #: 31

RE: for lack of better word fighting her to get her to ... - 6/28/2008 11:02:46 PM

hermione83

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Joined: 8/1/2007
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Yeah. What is it with Doms who expect that crap anyway??

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Post #: 32

RE: for lack of better word fighting her to get her to ... - 6/28/2008 11:37:50 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

hermoine I have no probelm with doms who excpect maid service, I have the problem with there being no agreement that I am to act like the maid because he's to freaking lazy to do his half of the work in this room.

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Post #: 33

RE: for lack of better word fighting her to get her to ... - 6/29/2008 12:25:19 AM

hermione83

Posts: 393
Joined: 8/1/2007
Status: offline

I've never done an agreement, not sure what that is about, I am always expected to do whatever he says, lol. But I mean, why is it somehow a part of D/s that I am a maid? It's totally unrelated. I think it's ridiculous that they just hide the fact that they expect that stuff. Sometimes I think that is really what it is they want in the first place and hide it in the other stuff. Every dom I've talked to apparently to some degree expects his girl to do all that stuff. I think it's ridiculous they demand that. If I do stuff like that, I want lots of thanks for it, and I definitely get no pleasure out of it, and don't want it to be expected, lol.

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)

Post #: 34

RE: for lack of better word fighting her to get her to ... - 6/29/2008 12:44:57 AM

candystripper

Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss

I am a switch but I desire on some levels to be submissive to daddy, I have some traits that are submissive, and in some cases all I want is his pleasure. However I'm just to hard headed and strong willed and it gets in the way of that seed sometimes. I believe I could be a good submissive, but to get that the dom in question would have a very long struggle ahead of them and essentially best me. They'd have to dig their heels in harder an longer and be willing to out wait my stubbornness, I will dig in my feet I will figurativly kick and scream, i will balk I will gnash my teeth, and they have to be strong enough to wait it out and prove to me, that it'll do no good to scream and kick and dig in that I WILL in the end submit, and in the end they're right.

I think of it kind of like a wild horse who must be saddle broke, and they kick and fuss and fight it, but in the end a good trainer ends up taming the animal to accept the saddle, and if done well hell thehorse might even think it had the idea to wear the damn saddle in the first place.

However when I try to explain this to most people , I get disbelieve and derrision. And I get a very negative reaction.They can not fathom that someone who wants to be submissive on some level must be dragged into it kicking and screaming. They say it's disengenous to say you want to submit but then fight those inklings. They say they would never submit to someone who would break them in nor would they want broken. and in the truest negative meaning of that, it's understandable, but when I say broken in, I don't mean the spirits broke, I mean it's been gentled into something less wild and harsh.

Are there any other people out there, for whom they know they could be submissive and a damn fine one, but they know they need s omeone to out stubborn the stubborn out demand the demanding, and out last the outlaster? Essentially to have their felt forced and held to the fire, untill they start submitting like they've always wanted to but been unable to?

if someone would only put the fight into it to get the seedling of submission to grow and not be hampered by will and the persons normal dominant personality?

Anyway I've probably botched the explanation or worded it badly, but my basic jist is that I know I can be a good submissive and desire to be so on some levels, but I know me , and I know someone would have to be willing to have those battles of wills, and wear me down untill I settle in, and I get people looking at me like I am insane. I bet the announcement I wanna fuck aliens that drop from the sky would get less derission than admiting I want to submit on some leve;s but must be out battled to do so and get there.

YourhandMyAss; here's my of-the-cuff reacton.

* What is this Op doing in 'Off Topic'? Why isn't it in "General BDSM'?

* What is so unfulfilling to you about being a switch? That is how you chose to self-identitify. Are you feeling no more desire to be the Top or the Dom at times? If so, you need to pause and reflect. No one but you can know where your heart truely lies.

* No Dom I know would be interested in the dynamic you describe. There does seem to be a common fantasy among Doms of 'turning' a Domme or lesbian into a submissive, but I think even 'vanilla' men often have some version of this fantasy. In real life, I think most Doms want a submissive who has already 'done her homework' and truely seeks a D/s dynamic in which he dominates her.

* While I agree 'force play' sounds like it'd be very hot, it is alo riddled with issues. I'd never even consider it with a Dom I didn't trust completely -- it is role play, not true nonconsensual manhandling. Lack of consent can get a Dom into hot water with the authorities, and most Doms I know would never even consider it.

* The person who has to break through resistance to reach submission is you, not the Dom. You cannot expect a Dom to be a therapist or magically change you inside.

candystripper

< Message edited by candystripper -- 6/29/2008 12:47:35 AM >

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)

Post #: 35

RE: for lack of better word fighting her to get her to ... - 6/29/2008 9:27:30 AM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

Candy I'm not unfufilled by being a switch, except maybe that I c hose a partner who won't share me and won't bottom to me, so I have these desires to top and dominate others, and do n't get to go anywhere with them lol. But that's another topic for another time.

For me it's just that if I am totaly honest I am lazy and I WILL and I HAVE chosen to slack off and refuse to do things my Dominant has asked of me if he lets me. I am also very stubborn, and if I don't want to well then I just won't. If you give me the impression it's ok not to listen to you, then I won't listen. And yes dominants have before given me the impression it was ok not to listen and obey.

I guess it goes back to needing boundaries. I need to know it's not ok to not listen and it's not ok to willfully defie the dom, and know it won't be tolerated.

But on the other hand I also want to be pleasing and submissive and sometimes I just don't know how to be. or I allow my self contiousness to prevent me from doing things that feel instintive but I'd feel stupid doing.

< Message edited by YourhandMyAss -- 6/29/2008 10:12:33 AM >

(in reply to candystripper)

Post #: 36

RE: for lack of better word fighting her to get her to ... - 6/29/2008 12:21:42 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

I suppose I could look at picking up after him as more of an act of devotion than annoyance, or not my job or get off your ass and do it already will ya, Since he works all day 5 days a week and often spends any and all free money on feeding me or taking me out ot eat, and gives me money for my sewing classes if I need it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4hire

I totally understand your frustration. Me, I don't even bother to ask anymore. I've been told over and over its my job...so, I look at it that way. It's my job and if I don't want people coming over to visit our pig pen I have to clean it up. I'm just overly thankful when I do get a helping hand.

(in reply to sub4hire)

Post #: 37

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