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Advice on a possible temporary poly situation... - 6/30/2008 11:11:04 PM

YoungDom4FSlave

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This topic needs some explaining, so here goes:

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 5 months. I'm hugely into BDSM in all its many forms, and she's somewhat submissive, though to varying degrees. She's also bicurious, though has never been with a woman before. We've discussed that and there are all sorts of possibilities there, with varying degrees of my involvement for her first time with a woman.

I keep thinking of trying a 3-some (and having it possibly develop into a long-term situation) with another submissive woman. Here's where I'd like some advice. Understanding that my girlfriend is not a slave by any stretch of the imagination (much as I would enjoy it during sex, I think I would be unfulfilled outside of our sex life), and that the 3-some did in fact happen, would it be better to have my girlfriend as the top or bottom of the 2 women? I realize I'm probably not asking or explaining well, and I'll try to elaborate if you have questions, but I have absolutely 0 experience in terms of any kind of poly situation, long-term of merely single-night. Any advice? Is it better to have the new woman dominating my girlfriend, or does that often lead to jealousy? Obviously much of this is based upon my judgment, but I was just looking for some general thoughts people might have. Thanks in advance!

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RE: Advice on a possible temporary poly situation... - 7/1/2008 7:40:02 AM

SirMIkeSD

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Really ask your girl friend how she wants to play, or just let what happens happen. To me it sounds like you are over complicating this.

Mike

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RE: Advice on a possible temporary poly situation... - 7/1/2008 8:00:15 AM

Madame4a

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quote:

ORIGINAL: YoungDom4FSlave

This topic needs some explaining, so here goes:

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 5 months. I'm hugely into BDSM in all its many forms, and she's somewhat submissive, though to varying degrees. She's also bicurious, though has never been with a woman before. We've discussed that and there are all sorts of possibilities there, with varying degrees of my involvement for her first time with a woman.

I keep thinking of trying a 3-some (and having it possibly develop into a long-term situation) with another submissive woman. Here's where I'd like some advice. Understanding that my girlfriend is not a slave by any stretch of the imagination (much as I would enjoy it during sex, I think I would be unfulfilled outside of our sex life), and that the 3-some did in fact happen, would it be better to have my girlfriend as the top or bottom of the 2 women? I realize I'm probably not asking or explaining well, and I'll try to elaborate if you have questions, but I have absolutely 0 experience in terms of any kind of poly situation, long-term of merely single-night. Any advice? Is it better to have the new woman dominating my girlfriend, or does that often lead to jealousy? Obviously much of this is based upon my judgment, but I was just looking for some general thoughts people might have. Thanks in advance!

I agree that it sounds like you're over complicating...

As to having a threesome and then hoping it will develop -- like most things.. sex first is not necessarily the best way to do that. If you want a relationship, develop that first.

Want a chick to do it with for the night, then the two of you go to a bar and pick one up... want a relationship, then talk to her and find out what she wants and how she wants to do it (like Mike said) ...

and finally, you've been together five months? You might want to get a bit more time under your belt before bringing a third into the relationship -- that's my opinion based on my experience

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RE: Advice on a possible temporary poly situation... - 7/1/2008 10:51:17 AM

SteelofUtah

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Poly is not in and of it self a Sexual Thing as Being amorus is not necessarily a sexual action.

Remember that Poly is a Realtionship in which love is being cultivated. Threesomes are not poly. A Poly relationship can relate to a Threesome in numbner of people but a Threesome for Sexual purposes in the end is just sex and unless there are preformed connections by all people involved in the end it remains just a sexual act.

It is difficult to remove the sexual from the emotional when it comes to Poly for some people. I was and to a degree still am one of those people. To me much of Poly is still exciting due to the sexual aspects of what can be done. However I also know that a relationship with any chance of lasting has to be built on something stronger than Sexual Interest, so I try to take the time to get to know any potential partner as a friend and a friend only, because if I cannot be friends with them there will never be a possibility of anything more.

If I were you enjoy your threesome and then discuss a potential relationship based on having more than one woman in the mix or possibly more than one man. And remember talking about it is the only to know how everyone really feels.

Steel

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RE: Advice on a possible temporary poly situation... - 7/5/2008 10:28:04 AM

ScrappinKitty

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I agree, You need to work on your relationship with your gf before entering into a poly and the gf realy needs to know for herself if she is bi. All of it will take time so if your looking for long term commitment then slowly reach for the goal and know your gf thourghly by asking her questions and dont assume anything

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RE: Advice on a possible temporary poly situation... - 7/5/2008 3:43:42 PM

Stephann

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Briefly, I think you're reading too much into if she should be a top or bottom to the other woman; the fact is, that relationship is more likely to develop naturally, based on how the second woman is going to want to interact with your girl. If that second woman is very aggressively dominant, there's a good chance your woman will respond submissively. If the second woman is very submissive, the opposite goes. Odds are, in a casual threesome situation, they'll simply interact as 'girls playing' (i.e. a non-D/s driven dynamic.)

Ultimately, that's something they'll work out for themselves. Trying to interfere with that natural relationship they develop could quickly lead to resentment on both of their parts.

Regards,

Stephan

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RE: Advice on a possible temporary poly situation... - 7/6/2008 7:21:42 AM

chesterfielddom

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Everyone has experiences and they all vary. You could investigate the subject to death, hence the over complication comments, or you could just run with it! The question you asked is exactly the question I faced two years ago. I was very versed in D/s and more akin towards poly relationships. My wife (was straight) but curious and willing to explore and here is all I caution you about… communicate, communicate, communicate. THEN talk about it… We met our first ‘third’ and she made her way into our lives for 15 months. Some of that was good, some bad… but over all you two must know what you want before you start… and do not allow ‘scope creep’… if you like the third and she doesn’t… it will cause problems. If she likes the third and you don’t… ditto. Since then we’ve had a number of encounters that have been very enjoyable for all involved. Just make sure you both know what you want and you are honest with yourselves and each other.
-CheDo

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< Message edited by chesterfielddom -- 7/6/2008 7:22:52 AM >

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RE: Advice on a possible temporary poly situation... - 7/6/2008 10:49:12 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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I concur with the others- you're acting far too much like an author of a play. These are real people with real personalities real orientations real preferences real histories real experiences- you can't just DECIDE who will be top or bottom and you can't just DECIDE that things will develop into more over time.

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RE: Advice on a possible temporary poly situation... - 7/6/2008 12:20:45 PM

CallaFirestormBW

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As a bit of advice in addition to all the stuff mentioned here, what you're discussing sounds a lot more like swinging than poly, since you're not really looking for a long term relationship with the others involved. I'd think about attending a couple of swingers meetups (meetings where they get together but there is no sex) or munches with your girlfriend, to get a feel for whether she's ready to make that step or not.

Swinger events are nice, in that they're planned events, you know the people involved are already comfortable with short-term exploratory relationships. If you check out the groups, look for one that at least 'vets' its members a bit.

Calla Firestorm

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RE: Advice on a possible temporary poly situation... - 7/7/2008 12:36:48 PM

YoungDom4FSlave

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I definitely appreciate all of the replies, and I have to agree that I'm probably overthinking things. It's not even guaranteed that it will happen in the first place, so I may as well just let things develop. I think I'll just let things happen, obviously with a lot of communication throughout. Again, I appreciate all of the replies.

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RE: Advice on a possible temporary poly situation... - 7/7/2008 1:36:57 PM

SteelofUtah

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Okay that sounds like a Very good Start.

Now.

Where can I get a Shirt like that? I think I would be much mor epopular if I had a shirt like that.

Steel

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RE: Advice on a possible temporary poly situation... - 7/9/2008 3:44:33 AM

NormalOutside

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

Okay that sounds like a Very good Start.

Now.

Where can I get a Shirt like that? I think I would be much mor epopular if I had a shirt like that.

Steel

I'll take one, in a medium. Great idea.

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RE: Advice on a possible temporary poly situation... - 7/21/2008 4:34:18 PM

LadySpecificity

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As I saw a few mention, a threesome is not poly, a threesome is a sexual act involving three people, poly is an emotion relationship involving more than two people. Whether it be a couple sharing a third boy/girlfriend or one person (or both) in that couple having a secondary relationship.

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RE: Advice on a possible temporary poly situation... - 7/23/2008 11:35:39 PM

kuroneko42

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quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

Poly is not in and of it self a Sexual Thing as Being amorus is not necessarily a sexual action.

Remember that Poly is a Realtionship in which love is being cultivated. Threesomes are not poly. A Poly relationship can relate to a Threesome in numbner of people but a Threesome for Sexual purposes in the end is just sex and unless there are preformed connections by all people involved in the end it remains just a sexual act.

It is difficult to remove the sexual from the emotional when it comes to Poly for some people. I was and to a degree still am one of those people. To me much of Poly is still exciting due to the sexual aspects of what can be done. However I also know that a relationship with any chance of lasting has to be built on something stronger than Sexual Interest, so I try to take the time to get to know any potential partner as a friend and a friend only, because if I cannot be friends with them there will never be a possibility of anything more.

If I were you enjoy your threesome and then discuss a potential relationship based on having more than one woman in the mix or possibly more than one man. And remember talking about it is the only to know how everyone really feels.

Steel

Quoted for emphasis...

Very well said steel,

I agree very much in the "cultivating love" and "amorous" emphasis on polyamory. Kudos very much / I appreciate your perspective.

Opening up to even one person is something that can be very challenging, and that considering all of the complexities of the heart and the "true meaning" of polyamory (a term I use loosely because it varies within the poly community) is a very productive way of going about long term stability. I know I've had more than a few shortcomings in the past with not considering the complexities / emotions of all involved.

In short -- to call experimentations and "mixing it up in bed" poly is one thing, but to actually follow through and talk things over openly / completely is more my idea of what is meant by "poly" (in a general sense at least) ... open communication / concern isn't "over complicating" ... not any day (at least by my book)

... On the other hand, NOT talking / communicating and yet still mixing in additional partners without regard for long term stability and everyone's emotions... gosh, now how many times can one say such a thing went wrong and "over-complicated" things =^_^=

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