Collarchat.com

Join Our Community
Collarchat.com

Home  Login  Search 

Advice on a possible temporary poly situation...


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Polyamorous Lifestyles >> Advice on a possible temporary poly situation... Page: [1]
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
Advice on a possible temporary poly situation... - 6/30/2008 11:11:04 PM   
YoungDom4FSlave


Posts: 7
Joined: 7/21/2007
Status: offline
This topic needs some explaining, so here goes:

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 5 months. I'm hugely into BDSM in all its many forms, and she's somewhat submissive, though to varying degrees. She's also bicurious, though has never been with a woman before. We've discussed that and there are all sorts of possibilities there, with varying degrees of my involvement for her first time with a woman.

I keep thinking of trying a 3-some (and having it possibly develop into a long-term situation) with another submissive woman. Here's where I'd like some advice. Understanding that my girlfriend is not a slave by any stretch of the imagination (much as I would enjoy it during sex, I think I would be unfulfilled outside of our sex life), and that the 3-some did in fact happen, would it be better to have my girlfriend as the top or bottom of the 2 women? I realize I'm probably not asking or explaining well, and I'll try to elaborate if you have questions, but I have absolutely 0 experience in terms of any kind of poly situation, long-term of merely single-night. Any advice? Is it better to have the new woman dominating my girlfriend, or does that often lead to jealousy? Obviously much of this is based upon my judgment, but I was just looking for some general thoughts people might have. Thanks in advance!
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Advice on a possible temporary poly situation... - 7/1/2008 7:40:02 AM   
SirMIkeSD


Posts: 613
Joined: 3/16/2007
From: San Diego, Ca
Status: offline
Really ask your girl friend how she wants to play, or just let what happens happen.  To me it sounds like you are over complicating this. 

Mike


(in reply to YoungDom4FSlave)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Advice on a possible temporary poly situation... - 7/1/2008 8:00:15 AM   
Madame4a


Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: YoungDom4FSlave

This topic needs some explaining, so here goes:

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 5 months. I'm hugely into BDSM in all its many forms, and she's somewhat submissive, though to varying degrees. She's also bicurious, though has never been with a woman before. We've discussed that and there are all sorts of possibilities there, with varying degrees of my involvement for her first time with a woman.

I keep thinking of trying a 3-some (and having it possibly develop into a long-term situation) with another submissive woman. Here's where I'd like some advice. Understanding that my girlfriend is not a slave by any stretch of the imagination (much as I would enjoy it during sex, I think I would be unfulfilled outside of our sex life), and that the 3-some did in fact happen, would it be better to have my girlfriend as the top or bottom of the 2 women? I realize I'm probably not asking or explaining well, and I'll try to elaborate if you have questions, but I have absolutely 0 experience in terms of any kind of poly situation, long-term of merely single-night. Any advice? Is it better to have the new woman dominating my girlfriend, or does that often lead to jealousy? Obviously much of this is based upon my judgment, but I was just looking for some general thoughts people might have. Thanks in advance!



I agree that it sounds like you're over complicating...

As to having a threesome and then hoping it will develop -- like most things.. sex first is not necessarily the best way to do that.  If you want a relationship, develop that first.

Want a chick to do it with for the night, then the two of you go to a bar and pick one up... want a relationship, then talk to her and find out what she wants and how she wants to do it (like Mike said) ...

and finally, you've been together five months?  You might want to get a bit more time under your belt before bringing a third into the relationship -- that's my opinion based on my experience

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to YoungDom4FSlave)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Advice on a possible temporary poly situation... - 7/1/2008 10:51:17 AM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline
Poly is not in and of it self a Sexual Thing as Being amorus is not necessarily a sexual action.

Remember that Poly is a Realtionship in which love is being cultivated. Threesomes are not poly. A Poly relationship can relate to a Threesome in numbner of people but a Threesome for Sexual purposes in the end is just sex and unless there are preformed connections by all people involved in the end it remains just a sexual act.

It is difficult to remove the sexual from the emotional when it comes to Poly for some people. I was and to a degree still am one of those people. To me much of Poly is still exciting due to the sexual aspects of what can be done. However I also know that a relationship with any chance of lasting has to be built on something stronger than Sexual Interest, so I try to take the time to get to know any potential partner as a friend and a friend only, because if I cannot be friends with them there will never be a possibility of anything more.

If I were you enjoy your threesome and then discuss a potential relationship based on having more than one woman in the mix or possibly more than one man. And remember talking about it is the only to know how everyone really feels.

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to Madame4a)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Advice on a possible temporary poly situation... - 7/5/2008 10:28:04 AM   
ScrappinKitty


Posts: 4
Joined: 7/30/2006
Status: offline
I agree, You need to work on your relationship with your gf before entering into a poly and the gf realy needs to know for herself if she is bi.  All of it will take time so if your looking for long term commitment then slowly reach for the goal and know your gf thourghly by asking her questions and dont assume anything

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Advice on a possible temporary poly situation... - 7/5/2008 3:43:42 PM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline
Briefly, I think you're reading too much into if she should be a top or bottom to the other woman; the fact is, that relationship is more likely to develop naturally, based on how the second woman is going to want to interact with your girl.  If that second woman is very aggressively dominant, there's a good chance your woman will respond submissively.  If the second woman is very submissive, the opposite goes.  Odds are, in a casual threesome situation, they'll simply interact as 'girls playing' (i.e. a non-D/s driven dynamic.) 

Ultimately, that's something they'll work out for themselves.  Trying to interfere with that natural relationship they develop could quickly lead to resentment on both of their parts.

Regards,

Stephan


_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to ScrappinKitty)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Advice on a possible temporary poly situation... - 7/6/2008 7:21:42 AM   
chesterfielddom


Posts: 1
Joined: 3/8/2006
From: St. Louis
Status: offline
Everyone has experiences and they all vary.  You could investigate the subject to death, hence the over complication comments, or you could just run with it!  The question you asked is exactly the question I faced two years ago.   I was very versed in D/s and more akin towards poly relationships.  My wife (was straight) but curious and willing to explore and here is all I caution you about… communicate, communicate, communicate.  THEN talk about it… We met our first ‘third’ and she made her way into our lives for 15 months.  Some of that was good, some bad… but over all you two must know what you want before you start… and do not allow ‘scope creep’… if you like the third and she doesn’t… it will cause problems.  If she likes the third and you don’t… ditto.  Since then we’ve had a number of encounters that have been very enjoyable for all involved.  Just make sure you both know what you want and you are honest with yourselves and each other.   
-CheDo  

:: The unskilled takes a simple task and makes it appear to be a challenge,
A Master takes the task said to be impossible and completes it as if it were no challenge at all ::

< Message edited by chesterfielddom -- 7/6/2008 7:22:52 AM >

(in reply to Madame4a)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Advice on a possible temporary poly situation... - 7/6/2008 10:49:12 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
I concur with the others- you're acting far too much like an author of a play.  These are real people with real personalities real orientations real preferences real histories real experiences- you can't just DECIDE who will be top or bottom and you can't just DECIDE that things will develop into more over time.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to chesterfielddom)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Advice on a possible temporary poly situation... - 7/6/2008 12:20:45 PM   
CallaFirestormBW


Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline
As a bit of advice in addition to all the stuff mentioned here, what you're discussing sounds a lot more like swinging than poly, since you're not really looking for a long term relationship with the others involved. I'd think about attending a couple of swingers meetups (meetings where they get together but there is no sex) or munches with your girlfriend, to get a feel for whether she's ready to make that step or not.

Swinger events are nice, in that they're planned events, you know the people involved are already comfortable with short-term exploratory relationships. If you check out the groups, look for one that at least 'vets' its members a bit.

Calla Firestorm


_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to YoungDom4FSlave)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Advice on a possible temporary poly situation... - 7/7/2008 12:36:48 PM   
YoungDom4FSlave


Posts: 7
Joined: 7/21/2007
Status: offline
I definitely appreciate all of the replies, and I have to agree that I'm probably overthinking things. It's not even guaranteed that it will happen in the first place, so I may as well just let things develop. I think I'll just let things happen, obviously with a lot of communication throughout. Again, I appreciate all of the replies.

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Advice on a possible temporary poly situation... - 7/7/2008 1:36:57 PM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline
Okay that sounds like a Very good Start.

Now.

Where can I get a Shirt like that? I think I would be much mor epopular if I had a shirt like that.

Steel

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
The Steel Warm-Up © ™
For the Uber Posters
Thanks for the Grammatical support : ) ~ Term

(in reply to YoungDom4FSlave)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Advice on a possible temporary poly situation... - 7/9/2008 3:44:33 AM   
NormalOutside


Posts: 622
Joined: 1/8/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

Okay that sounds like a Very good Start.

Now.

Where can I get a Shirt like that? I think I would be much mor epopular if I had a shirt like that.

Steel


I'll take one, in a medium.  Great idea.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Advice on a possible temporary poly situation... - 7/21/2008 4:34:18 PM   
LadySpecificity


Posts: 6
Joined: 4/27/2008
Status: offline
As I saw a few mention, a threesome is not poly, a threesome is a sexual act involving three people, poly is an emotion relationship involving more than two people. Whether it be a couple sharing a third boy/girlfriend or one person (or both) in that couple having a secondary relationship.   

(in reply to NormalOutside)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Advice on a possible temporary poly situation... - 7/23/2008 11:35:39 PM   
kuroneko42


Posts: 3
Joined: 7/23/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

Poly is not in and of it self a Sexual Thing as Being amorus is not necessarily a sexual action.

Remember that Poly is a Realtionship in which love is being cultivated. Threesomes are not poly. A Poly relationship can relate to a Threesome in numbner of people but a Threesome for Sexual purposes in the end is just sex and unless there are preformed connections by all people involved in the end it remains just a sexual act.

It is difficult to remove the sexual from the emotional when it comes to Poly for some people. I was and to a degree still am one of those people. To me much of Poly is still exciting due to the sexual aspects of what can be done. However I also know that a relationship with any chance of lasting has to be built on something stronger than Sexual Interest, so I try to take the time to get to know any potential partner as a friend and a friend only, because if I cannot be friends with them there will never be a possibility of anything more.

If I were you enjoy your threesome and then discuss a potential relationship based on having more than one woman in the mix or possibly more than one man. And remember talking about it is the only to know how everyone really feels.

Steel


Quoted for emphasis...

Very well said steel,

I agree very much in the "cultivating love" and "amorous" emphasis on polyamory. Kudos very much / I appreciate your perspective.

Opening up to even one person is something that can be very challenging, and that considering all of the complexities of the heart and the "true meaning" of polyamory (a term I use loosely because it varies within the poly community) is a very productive way of going about long term stability. I know I've had more than a few shortcomings in the past with not considering the complexities / emotions of all involved.

In short -- to call experimentations and "mixing it up in bed" poly is one thing, but to actually follow through and talk things over openly / completely is more my idea of what is meant by "poly" (in a general sense at least) ... open communication / concern isn't "over complicating" ... not any day (at least by my book)

... On the other hand, NOT talking / communicating and yet still mixing in additional partners without regard for long term stability and everyone's emotions... gosh, now how many times can one say such a thing went wrong and "over-complicated" things =^_^=

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 14
Page:   [1]
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Polyamorous Lifestyles >> Advice on a possible temporary poly situation... Page: [1]
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2023
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.078