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Yorkshiredom68 -> Reasons to be proud to be a man (UK slant to this) (7/2/2008 3:17:37 PM)
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1. OPENING JARS - She’s struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn’t. Jars are men’s work.
2. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE – Beckham free kicks are for pansies. A Stuart pierce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
3. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE – “Blunt is it? Hand it here love. No, I don’t need a sharpener, I’ve got a knife thanks!”
4. GOING TO THE TIP – A manly act which combines driving, lifting, and – as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of tat – noisy destruction.
5. DRINKING UP – Specifically, riding from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, “Let’s go” and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you.
6. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD – in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
7. HAVING A SCAR – Ideally it will be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. “Ooh, did it hurt?” “Nah”.
8. NODDING AT COPPERS – A moment’s eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. “We’ve not seen eye to eye in the past”, it says, “but someone’s got to keep the little beggars in line”.
9. USING POWER TOOLS – Always slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle.
10. KICKING A FOOTBALL AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR – Clang-g-g-g-g-g! Stick that Becks! I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
11. ARRIVING AT THE PUB LATE – And everyone cheers you. It doesn’t mean you’re popular, just that your mates are drunk. However, the rest of the pub doesn’t know that.
12. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT – Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Pass the pork scratchings!
13. CARVING THE ROAST – And saying “are you a leg or a breast man?” to the blokes. And “do you want stuffing?” to the women.
14. WINKING – Turns women to putty, doesn’t it?
15. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS – Ideally, B & Q should have little changing rooms with mirrors so you can see how rugged you look with any DIY item, but for now, you’ll have to continue making do with the aisles.
16. TAKING OUT 300 QUID FROM A CASHPOINT – OK, so it’s for paying the plumber later, but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
17. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE – Unlike women, you get straight to the point. “Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? Murphys it is then. Seven. See ya.”.
18. PARALLEL PARKING – Bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, `cos his cars have no reverse gears, so, technically, you are a better driver.
19. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT – Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So when it’s over you can stand there in silence, surveying your work, with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Bliss.
20. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU – Especially if you don’t make a fuss. “Why was I off? Ah, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage”.
21. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER TO USE - “A Phillips? For that? Are you mad?”
22. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO – A visual code that says “That’s right, I’m going in there for a huge, man-sized number two”.
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