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stella41b -> RE: Is Anyone Tired Besides Me????? (7/6/2008 12:45:08 PM)
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I'm not so sure about taking a break to be honest.
I'm TG and form relationships with Dommes, and up until a few years ago I had it all, everything - I was successful in my career, popular, had friends, good relationships with Dommes, I had the sort of life not shared by many people and partly due to circumstances beyond my control and partly (equally) down to my own stupidity events took a dramatic turn and I lost everything, and I mean everything, including my health, career, reputation, with the only exclusion of my mind and my life. But it was close, very close.
I haven't thrown in the towel, nor have I given up. That would be admitting defeat, that would mean giving in to your own weaknesses, giving in to the other people. In the past two and a half years I have gone through just about everything you can possibly go through, homelessness, welfare benefits, being stuck in a hostel, emotional disturbances, obesity (I've shifted 200lbs of weight only to put back 100lbs on and am currently shifting it again), illness, hostpital stays, being sexually assaulted, excluded, and so on. I've had a lot of time to think, empty days, sleepless nights, this has caused me to take a good look and deeply examine what life is all about, what people are really all about and most of all who I really am and what I'm all about.
It's been a long hard road back, rebuilding my life, and even today I'm sitting here and rebuilding. I'm sitting here, in my apartment close to Central London, I got a mug of green tea beside me, it's been raining, there's still drops of rain on the windows, and you know in the grand scheme of things I'm no different than one of those tiny drops of water meandering its way down my kitchen window.
I've undergone a complete metamorphosis, things have changed, I've let go, moved on, and I don't want or need what I had before. It was fine while it lasted, but all good things come to an end. I've changed, I'm no longer the same person, and I'll openly admit I have trust issues with other people. Between loneliness, depression and poverty every time I would choose poverty, without any fesitation. In fact in some ways I have, and do you know what? I enjoy it. But you know I gave myself a choice, I could either sit here alone and suffer, being bitter, moping over what was, what has been, asking constantly the question why and torturing myself over 'what if', or... I could rise above whatever life threw at me and move on, with nothing more than the hope and faith that somehow, some way, some day, there will be someone and there will be something new.
I chose the latter and decided to throw myself into working with the homeless, including the same people I stood among in the lines for food and shelter, for advice, the people I spent time with in the hostel for the homeless, and the people who don't even have that. This was my way of internalizing my own pain, heartache and loss, it was reaching out to others, being there for them, not expecting anything other than to be allowed to share their problems and issues with them. I've sat with people who never had what I had in life, women who have been abused, battered, people like me who lost everything, I've sat among paedophiles, rapists, wife beaters, men who have served life sentences for murder who have stepped out of prison into a modern world which doesn't care and doen't want to know. I keep with me a packet of Rizla cigarette papers and hand them out so these people can crack open the cigarette butts they've picked up off the streets to enjoy a smoke. Even now when I visit a supermarket I will take a look at the back of the supermarket, check to see where the bins are, and pass this information on to the people I spend time with so they can find somewhere else to do some skippering.
I'm lucky, being a transgendered female, I couldn't have the children I wanted, can't eve have a period, and I've still got some way to go before surgery. Therefore I don't really have sexual needs. My submissive needs are catered for, sitting and listening to problems, helping people, befriending, arranging clothing and food supplies, getting down on my knees and transforming smelly unwashed feet into something capable of walking on with some comfort, clipping yellowed toenails, disinfecting blisters, sores, attacking hardened skin with a pumice stone, disinfecting blisters, even giving foot massages. Homeless people do an awful lot of walking, day in, day out, I keep telling these people when they get some money to buy themselves a weekly bus pass, but few do. This puts everything into perspective. I often meet people who have been homeless and sleeping on the streets five years, ten years. Some are going to bed down in cardboard one night and not wake up the next morning. There probably won't be a next of kin either, no funeral.
I have a theatre, of sorts, been rehearsing and developing plays now for almost a year. Been trying to open a play for a few months now, this week it looks like two actors have dropped out. Yesterday I left Pride early, too many people, I wasn't in the mood, and I decided to go to a DIY store and buy halogen spotlights, cables, and black paint. I've decided to convert my bedroom to serve as a small studio - a tiny black box theatre - for photo, sound and video work. This morning I went to a boot sale bought a cheap digital camera for £10. Bought new batteries, the camera doesn't work, hut it doesn't matter. I now know that I may need to abandon one of my productions after four months of work, but it doesn't matter.
When I really needed people to be there for me before there was nobody, it's been a long hard two years but the dumbest thing I ever did - I'm sitting here shaking my head and laughing - was to believe that someone would be there to support me and help me through. happens to some people, some people are lucky, others aren't. People see what they want to see in you and disregard the rest. I find myself often at the sharp end of people's judgment and prejudices, but you know there's not really much I can do about that. The rebuilding continues, I have a double bed in my bedroom, I occupy it maybe once a week, I sleep usually on the sofa, rarely for more than 3 or 4 hours, been awake today since 3am, I feel drowsy but have managed to stay active all through. I go for walks, long walks, I meet people, and just live for the present.
There are a few people in my life, people who have stayed all through, they couldn't help me as much as they wanted but it doesn't matter. They stayed, they listened, they understood, this is all what matters. I would give these people anything and everything. I haven't given up, or thrown in the towel, I'm just no longer 'available', I cannot discount a relationship coming from someone who approaches me off the Internet but it would require a miracle. I want friendship up front and I'm not budging from this requirement. I assume that this isn't going to be an issue for someone who really wants to be with me and in my life and for me to be a part of their life.
Therefore I have no expectations, no illusions, no drama, I'm living for the here and now, happy to find happiness and pleasure in the small things, having decided that life is too short for bullshit, games and bitterness. I know I cannot go through life being wary and suspicious of others, but I much prefer substance over style. The rain doesn't fall all the time, not even here in London. The sun also comes out. I know that some time my plays will open, I will regain my figure and fitness, and someone will be in my life.
Until then I'm enjoying the storm and walking through puddles.
ETA please forgive typos due to small text on screen and also my rambling. It's one of those days.
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