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Noah -> This week's pubic hair thread (11/9/2005 11:46:02 PM)
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I think it has been a day or so now since anyone has started a new post on the subject, and the last one I saw was mostly written by people whose opinions were wrong, so ...
I like hairy cunts.
There.
Oh I'll grant you the shaving process is a lot of fun. I haven't done it with a straight razor and strop yet and I suppose if I kept a to-do list, that would be on it. Mind you she would get the strop as well as the razor. But my own brush and safety razor have crossed the great divide a time or two without regret. Well the only regret had to do with the seeming impossibility of getting the soap taste off quickly enough to serve an eager diner of rather particular tastes.
Now the bikini treatment can be acceptable in summer. I haven't administered waxing personally (though you may ask me about duct tape depillation if I run into you down to the building supply store) and it seems as though that would be fun. Fun to do myself or fun to stand by and watch you have done to you in some commercial establishment. Do you find that getting naked(ish) for someone in a new situation can rekindle that adolescent thrill?
Speaking of adolescence, some women seem to think that by clearing off their quim they are regaining something of their youth. In my humble opinion there may be one out of every fifty or one hundred (I keep losing count) that have this sort of aura when scrupulously maintained. For the rest--face it dear--a naked old cunt is a naked old cunt.
Some women sport The Landing Strip, which they seem to think is jaunty or something. Strip is a nice word but the noun can't touch the verb. First of all if your hair is closely trimmed and brown then--come on--it looks more like a skid mark than an aerodrome. If the patch is allowed to grow out a bit it resembles nothing so much as Adolph Hitler's furry nose shadow. Not my kink fer sure.
The Landing Strip makes as much aesthetic sense to me as a mohawk haircut. Sure it's fun in a LookAtMeI'mWeirdAndSomewhatCommittedToIt kind of way. I mean I get a kick out of kids listening to what they call punk now and dolling up in their Hot Topic black and plaids. But by the time you or I saw a mohawk in the street the Pistols had probably given way to PIL and though there was a lot of good stuff yet to come it just wasn't ever going to be the same. And the kids at Hot Topic weren't even born yet. Sum 41? Blink 182? Ballocks. Incompletely shaved ballocks. Never mind 'em.
So we can assign culturally redeeming value to the skinny, faux-aboriginal haircut by way of acknowleging its historicity. The feminine pudendal equivalent, however ... I say fuck it. Some bets shouldn't be hedged.
If your Lady Norelco or Black and Decker has been leaving behind (in front? underneath?) the "G" from the Packers' helmets, well I'm sure the cheeseheads will be coming soon, but I won't. If instead you're whittling your poor thing into a facsimile of the Playboy logo then the shade from your plastic shelving units is probably enough to keep the bunny from assaulting my eyes, so go for it.
I don't claim that there is nothing good to say for smooth. If she is an occasional piece you can do a little barber shop scene on the last day of her visit just to guarantee her a week of the grow-back itchy-scratchies to remember you by. Furthermore I'll admit that a given gash-spank may be that little bit brighter on a baldy. Even so, I figure I can make up for that with a bigger wind-up.
And I do.
But so much goes down the drain with those curly little clippings.
There is your straightforward grab-and-go maneuver, for starters. Hearts and minds will surely follow. And then, well the possibilities are as numerous as the hairs on her crotch. Colorful beads or tight little cornrows if you're into gilding the lily. Once again though I say fuck it.
Did she take too long showering and toweling off? A little glob of Elmer's will justify having her go stand at the door jamb rather than in the corner. If she's a good enough girl to stand very still and close till the glue dries then her reward is the ouch ouchy ouch process of disegagement. Slowly perhaps, if motivated by leg fatigue and/or hunger; probably more rapid in case her vanilla sister pops in to keep her company while you and the guys sit and watch the game.
"C'MON IN SUSIE IT'S OPEN! I THINK SHE'S UPSTAIRS! BUT WOULD YOU BE A DOLL AND BRING US SOME BEERS FIRST?"
As for that tired old "something in my teeth" complaint: roughage is good, dude. I'm pretty sure it fights cholesteral or prostrates cancer or something like that. More to the point, why are you guys in such an all fired hurry? Thanks to you she's teetering on the cunning lingual edge for the fourth time this hour and a dark little squiggle lodges itself between your incisors? Politely excuse yourself and retire to the lavatory for a damned thorough brush and floss. Hearing you gargle at a time like this just drives them up the wall, take it from me. Tell her she can use her finger to hold your place.
Then turn around and say like: "Nah. Better not."
In the interest of science let's not ignore the supposed evolutionary reason for the thatched roof on the local Y. Four out of five anthropologists agree that fire was discovered when some primeval flint-worker inadvertently shunted a spark into the Grove of Eglantine. Therefore, if everybody had shaved from time immemorial then there would have been no such thing as fire. Untold generations of our forebears would have had precious little to look at each night as they huddled around cold little piles of wood. Plus pizza would totally taste like shit.
Then there's that other theory, the one which says that pubic and other non-public hair is meant as an olfactory broadcasting device. How's that for an intelligent design? Smells fishy to you? Well sure, if your own private IdaHo smells like New Jersey, do us all a favor and mow it down by way of abatement till you've done with remediation.
[now try as I might the brownfield joke keeps coming out contrived so I'm just gonna skip it]
Just some lye soap and a stiff brush though, if you please. Feminine deodorant spray makes me sneeze.
Please good people, listen to me. All those other dominants are wrong. If you're a good smelling subbie, or way, way better than good, don't take up that carpet--even if it no longer matches the drapes. Don't conform to the Bourgeiois, you know, whatchamacallit.
Put down that razor and let your fureak flag fly.
And if you still don't agree, well like I said before: fuck it.
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