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Qualities that I could have... - 7/12/2008 11:39:11 AM

torsionman

Posts: 74
Joined: 7/28/2004
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After being on CM since 2004, I've received very few replies and much less inquiries from the Dominant Women here. Many subs/slaves face the same situation. This question is "self serving" as I ask it in relation to my experiance... however, starting with me and extending to any sub/slave here that really does want to make contact that becomes a real opportunity for a relationship I ask, "What qualities could I develop that will give a Mistress the interest to respond?" I'm asking about a real relationship NOT a onetime, on line or irritating (to the Mistress) experience.
Traveling is a problem for me so a local Woman is where I will look but the knowledge for this post is valuable from all Dominant Women no matter where they are, lifestyle or Pro. What qualities will answer my question above?

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RE: Qualities that I could have... - 7/12/2008 12:00:13 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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There have been so many threads on this topic, I suggest you use that search function to read some useful suggestions.

I went and looked at your very limited profile...and I can tell you that unless you were someone I knew from the boards (and if you were someone whose posts I liked) I would not respond to you, either.  The few sentences you have fall into the category of "complaints/whining", and we hear far too much of that. This is the internet, people come and go. As to your likes and dislikes, your short list is a difficult one to obtain~~just check out some of the cuck threads to see the reality of that.

Dominant women are WOMEN.   We get up in the morning, have coffee, go to work, and do all sorts of things that women everywhere do. How would you go about showing yourself to the best possible advantage for a woman to look at you?   What do you have to offer her? What are your goals for the rest of your life? What are you like as a person---quiet, demanding, always on the go, an avid golfer? Whatever you are, be honest about it. If spending time with your grandkids is the highlight of your week, say so. If the Sunday tee-off time is something you never miss, say so. It's okay to talk about yourself in an honest, non-arrogant fashion. You are not showing off, you are telling a total stranger the highlights of who you are.

What do you want from HER? If you want a relationshp, start out by saying so. Are you interested in being a parent? What qualities do you need from a woman to make you happy in her service~~if you are in need of someone affectionate, or a micromanager, or someone who is or is not a sadist, here is your chance to say so. Do you have actual kink experience? Be VERY honest here. If you are interested in *exploring* various areas, go ahead and mention them, but don't dwell on play. Not even play sluts like me have the time for full on scenes every day. (though there is time for endless reminders...)

A profile is a screening tool. Think of it as a resume, listing what you are, what you have to offer, and what you want. Like any resume, expect that you will get a lot of rejection or lack of interest. Post a picture of you that looks happy. (I know that I look all cranky in my pics, do as I say, not as I do.) Honestly, I have been very put off by profiles where the man looks anything from grumpy to furious.  Look like you're happy to be here.

Good luck, and have fun. That's why we're here, to enjoy ourselves while we search.

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RE: Qualities that I could have... - 7/12/2008 12:03:27 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: torsionman
What qualities will answer my question above?

Taking good advice.

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Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
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RE: Qualities that I could have... - 7/12/2008 12:53:22 PM

torsionman

Posts: 74
Joined: 7/28/2004
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RedMagic,
You say in few words what LadyHibiscus says in many (see my referance to A. Einstein in my journal). I state now that I take your advice seriously. Additons to my profile are forthcoming. My pic isn't the best but I hope I don't look "grumpy". I have very few pictures of me to post, I'm usually the one taking them.
LadyHibiscus, just because your words are many doesn't mean I don't appreciate your answer. Many of your observations and suggestions are dead on. Please, all that read this thread, add what you feel is good. This isn't for just me even though I look for advice for myself. Thank you.

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RE: Qualities that I could have... - 7/12/2008 1:09:35 PM

torsionman

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Joined: 7/28/2004
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I just did an addition to my profile, more is coming.

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RE: Qualities that I could have... - 7/12/2008 5:10:41 PM

MamaDomme1

Posts: 377
Joined: 1/12/2008
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I went and checked your profile after you posted that you had made some additions to it, didn't see it before so I can't compare the two.

Now just get out and meet people in real life! Go to munches, groups, parties......... get yourself seen.

Best of luck to you~~~

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RE: Qualities that I could have... - 7/13/2008 1:51:18 AM

SurrenderForMe

Posts: 229
Joined: 3/11/2005
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In general how often have you dated? Are you good at meeting people? Are you comfortable talking to a woman in general? Do you have female friends? Have you had long term relationships?

If the answers to those questions are yes, then it is just a matter of time.
If the answer to the questions is no or on some is no, take some classes on meeting people. Dating classes, conversation classes, etiquette classes, speech classes.

Go through the checklist and add all that apply. Show that you have a life. Take off the mention of updating your profile because of advice. Remove the bitching about who you are and are not in contact with. Meeting people is hard enough without letting potential bitterness be the first thing someone sees about you.

I rarely contact anyone. I take control in almost every other way. I prefer the recipient of that attention make an effort.

Good luck

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RE: Qualities that I could have... - 7/13/2008 6:30:13 AM

MmeGigs

Posts: 706
Joined: 1/26/2008
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I can't speak for all women, but here's how it looks to me.

If I look your name up on my home page now, the first thing I see is a pretty deadpan and uninteresting picture. I see the first two paragraphs of your profile, which talk about how many people you're in contact with in a way that seems kind of whiney. Of all the things I might want to know about you, that's nowhere on the list. Then there's the Einstein quote in the journal entry. It's just kind of sitting there with no context. All together, it doesn't make a very good impression. I'd click on to the next guy.

These things are really easy to fix. Change your pic to one where you're smiling, or one where you're doing something you enjoy. That would make a much better first impression. If you got rid of the first three paragraphs of your profile and made no other changes, the first thing I would read would be that you're a hard-working divorced man who loves his kids and has some interest in the world outside of kink. You'd definitely have my attention, and I'd be clicking on the little buttons to find out more about you. The Einstein quote is fine, but you could use it as an opportunity to tell me a little more about you. Tell me why you like it. The more you let me in with your profile and journal, the more interested in you I will be. Make it clear that you're looking for relationship - that's important information.

You'll do better if you go out and contact women in your area than if you wait for them to find you. Again, I can't speak for all women, but the emails that really get my attention are those where the guy takes a sentence or two to introduce himself and specifically mentions something he read in my profile. Asking me a pertinent question or two gets me even more engaged. This is where his profile is important - if it's positive and interesting, I'll certainly respond.

Don't limit yourself to looking here. Check out local munches and email lists. You'll find a bunch of them on this site - http://www.drkdesyre.com/ Click on Meet People.

Good luck.

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RE: Qualities that I could have... - 7/13/2008 6:53:11 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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I see you are in New York and even though you aren't in The City you still have lot of options.

First, get out into the communities you can find in meatlife -- looking only online is a sure way to limit who you can attract. Given your problem with traveling what better way to meet a local woman that to get involved in munches and groups locally?

Second, look at your mundane life first and foremost. How stable is it? How together are you emotionally, physically, not to mention financially? If you are looking for a local woman you have to be thinking long term relationship I'm guessing and these mundane matters are of utmost importance when you are discussing something more than casual dating and scening.

Finally, start educating yourself. Don't know what your finances are but start getting some good books written by people who do BDSM in meatlife for years and start reading. Then start writing and putting into action some of their suggestions. Test them out. Knowledge is sexy so get some. If you need some specific book suggestions, I can give you some.

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Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

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RE: Qualities that I could have... - 7/13/2008 8:12:06 AM

torsionman

Posts: 74
Joined: 7/28/2004
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WOW, the last responses here are great! One thought has come to mind while reading them. Men as a general rule are the "grunters and doers" not talkers, that's the meaning of the A. Einstein quote. I realize that communications between grunters and doers and those that can talk is difficult (aka Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars). Other grunters and doers know what the grunts are, talkers know what talk is. Now I'm finding the viewpoints from talkers and trying to add that into my "grunt" language. I grew up with four sisters, no brothers. I was out numbered. I endured extensive teasing as a boy and could do nothing to stop it or I had my head handed to me. Boys DON'T HIT GIRLS is the rule. Getting a word in was difficult. I guess it pointed me in this direction.
I am adding about the first lines that "sound" whiney". All three persons I met through CM and Yahoo. The lines are a "grunt" type of comment. I'm not unsuccessful, it was not a "talker" understandable comment. As for my picture, the one that's there is a "I hope the camera is working" one. I have few pictures of me as I'm the one always taking them.
Mama, Surrender, MmeGigs and tammyjo, I hold your comments in high regard and thank you for your time and thoughtful replies. There are "talkers" on this thread that do the title "Domina" good as they are teaching this "grunter" how to "speak and do".

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RE: Qualities that I could have... - 7/13/2008 10:56:09 AM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: SurrenderForMe

In general how often have you dated? Are you good at meeting people? Are you comfortable talking to a woman in general? Do you have female friends? Have you had long term relationships?

If the answers to those questions are yes, then it is just a matter of time.
If the answer to the questions is no or on some is no, take some classes on meeting people. Dating classes, conversation classes, etiquette classes, speech classes.

Go through the checklist and add all that apply. Show that you have a life. Take off the mention of updating your profile because of advice. Remove the bitching about who you are and are not in contact with. Meeting people is hard enough without letting potential bitterness be the first thing someone sees about you.

I rarely contact anyone. I take control in almost every other way. I prefer the recipient of that attention make an effort.

Good luck

These are all great points, and I'll add a more blunt statement about it: subs, don't be lazy. For some reason, I see a common trend about submissive men is that they don't seem to take initiative at all. Now, I don't know if this is because they lack dating/socializing skills (to your points above - if you can't be a good vanilla date, you surely can't be a good submissive date) or if part of their submissive 'nature' or ideal is that they are removed from the courting process and want to be fully pursued. I am talking about things like asking questions during initial discussions, helping keep a conversation flow, pushing interaction toward the next date/meeting instead of hoping to be asked, following up politely but vigorously, being clear about interest and intent. Many subs seem to adopt a "here I am, take me, I'm at the ready -command me at your will!" approach to *dating* and I'm sorry, it's not like that in the real world. Even though it's a femdom/male sub dynamic, or moving in that direction, a submissive cannot expect to be entirely passive. I'd say he can be MUCH more passive than a true "vanilla" dating scenario, but not 100% passive, which many sub men are.

I'm a femdom that absolutely loves the kind of chase/seduction/predatory prowl thing and I have done it many times, but that's in special circumstances when a guy so fills me with lust that I just kind of want to run with it - but in most scenarios, really, a man is expected to at least share 50% of the social burden *or* at least show SOME effort. I am willing to kind of let it go/make concessions directly related to how much attraction I feel toward him (if that makes sense), but if I am "on the fence" about a partner, his lack of effort will doom him.

Early in the process via email, phone and first "dates" I get VERY energetic about a submissive who asks *good* questions and seems genuinely interested in me as a person.

Akasha

Akasha

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RE: Qualities that I could have... - 7/14/2008 5:36:54 AM

torsionman

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Joined: 7/28/2004
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Ms AAkasha,

What you are saying here is, "subs, take a good look at how you present yourselves"? I'm translating this in my mind as, listen to what others say about you and don't be afriad to ask "What can I do to present better?", then actually DO something about it.

I guess I simplify things and need a Woman's viewpoint as a touchstone. Thank you AAkasha.

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