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The confused, nervous, slightly insecure femdom of your... - 7/13/2008 5:21:18 PM

AAkasha

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Joined: 11/27/2004
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One thing I know that "new" femdoms struggle with is that feeling of "Ok so I have him tied up and helpless and he's really turned on. What do I do now?" There seems to be a combination of pressure ("What if I do something wrong? What if I blow it? What if I am not mean enough?") and a sincere, but misguided, desire to please ("So I am dominating him...what if he hates it? What if I am boring him? What if he isn't enjoying this at all?"). I have a theory that the first thing a new femdom must do (besides enjoy herself) is not let inner dialog fuck up her fun.

From the submissive side though, have you been in situations where your new partner - who may be honestly interested, learning, etc. - is very clearly kind of hitting a road bump of "what do I do now?" -- and how does that affect you? Does it impact your ability to feel submissive or vulnerable?

Have you ever been with a bonafide, hardcore, organic femdom and sensed she didn't really know what to do next either?

How have women handled this - both gracefully and not so gracefully?

Are there other factors that crop up and make it difficult to take your femdom seriously?

Akasha

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RE: The confused, nervous, slightly insecure femdom of ... - 7/13/2008 6:02:52 PM

KneelingSilently

Posts: 38
Joined: 4/15/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

From the submissive side though, have you been in situations where your new partner - who may be honestly interested, learning, etc. - is very clearly kind of hitting a road bump of "what do I do now?" -- and how does that affect you? Does it impact your ability to feel submissive or vulnerable?

Have you ever been with a bonafide, hardcore, organic femdom and sensed she didn't really know what to do next either?

Akasha

Nah. I'm incredibly patient like that. We all have to learn at one point. My last Dominant had trouble sometimes, not because she was new though, but two little words could put her back in the mindset. Once she heard "hurt me" spoken I think the internal dialogue disappeared.

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RE: The confused, nervous, slightly insecure femdom of ... - 7/13/2008 6:08:51 PM

subtex

Posts: 129
Joined: 9/16/2004
From: Dallas
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My first D/s relationship was an LDR with a woman I met on chat (remember IRC #femdom?). We got to know each other for several months and she had a lot of "book learning" when we finally met. When I met her for the first time she was feeling unsure and asked me if I'd be okay topping from the bottom at first. "Yeah I think that would be okay." :) That didn't last long. Once we got things moving she wasn't worried. We did talk a lot about whatever we just did and what we thought about it. Mostly it was just fun except for the long distance part.

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RE: The confused, nervous, slightly insecure femdom of ... - 7/13/2008 6:20:14 PM

petdave

Posts: 2479
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
From the submissive side though, have you been in situations where your new partner - who may be honestly interested, learning, etc. - is very clearly kind of hitting a road bump of "what do I do now?" -- and how does that affect you? Does it impact your ability to feel submissive or vulnerable?

As a sub, i think it's important for the Dominant to plan the scene in advance if necessary... If it hits a point where She's obviously wondering "what now", then personally, my mind goes to a very bad place.

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RE: The confused, nervous, slightly insecure femdom of ... - 7/13/2008 6:56:34 PM

GigglingGoddess

Posts: 31
Joined: 6/14/2008
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While my boyfriend was introducing me to femdom I had a few roadblocks that I didn't handle too gracefully - I actually cried a few times. I just didn't know where to go or couldn't get into it and I was so afraid of disappointing him that tears came. Luckily he was very patient and comforted me, and those early learning days brought us closer together. Now I generally plan better, but if I get stuck I can usually get past it, using an old trick or something. If I'm really, truly stuck, though, I just tell my slut I'm done with him and walk away.

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RE: The confused, nervous, slightly insecure femdom of ... - 7/13/2008 7:21:36 PM

KneelingSilently

Posts: 38
Joined: 4/15/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: GigglingGoddess
If I'm really, truly stuck, though, I just tell my slut I'm done with him and walk away.

That's hot. I'm sorry I can't be more eloquent :(

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RE: The confused, nervous, slightly insecure femdom of ... - 7/13/2008 11:48:34 PM

HarryVanWinkle

Posts: 1720
Joined: 5/8/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
One thing I know that "new" femdoms struggle with is that feeling of "Ok so I have him tied up and helpless and he's really turned on. What do I do now?" There seems to be a combination of pressure ("What if I do something wrong? What if I blow it? What if I am not mean enough?") and a sincere, but misguided, desire to please ("So I am dominating him...what if he hates it? What if I am boring him? What if he isn't enjoying this at all

This sounds just like something that men, both vanilla and otherwise, have been dealing with for millenia. The only part missing is, "What if I can't get it up?" This is called, "perfomance anxiety."

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RE: The confused, nervous, slightly insecure femdom of ... - 7/14/2008 10:13:27 AM

sleuthingsub

Posts: 68
Joined: 1/30/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

From the submissive side though, have you been in situations where your new partner - who may be honestly interested, learning, etc. - is very clearly kind of hitting a road bump of "what do I do now?" -- and how does that affect you? Does it impact your ability to feel submissive or vulnerable?

Well, my girlfriend (GigglingGoddess) and I have hit a few rough spots along the way unfortunately. I'll give my perspective on it.

After I told my girlfriend about my submissive tendencies, to my delight and surprise she opted to experiment, and see if she liked being in control. Unfortunately, I believe she (and perhaps me, through my body language) put too much pressure on herself for things to be enjoyable. I have never felt as utterly horrible as the times when she cried. We talked a lot about what was upsetting her, and I attempted to change my behaviour when I could. I also continued to offer her encouragment and try to build her confidence in everyday life as well. I just wanted her to be happy and confident in herself, and not worry about not living up to expectations. I never felt that I was less submissive just because she didn't go from innoccent to kinkmaster3000 in a day though. If anything, I appreciated that she cared so much about me that she was worried about hurting me. I wouldn't want to submit to someone who didn't care about my well being.

Hmm, I also asked for some advice on the forums here, and while I recieved a lot of criticism, Akasha helped me out quite a bit with information, advice, and support. Yes, this is me sucking up to you Akasha. Enjoy it. Seriously though, if more people in all walks of life were as quick to offer advice and support instead of a condescending rebuke, we'd be a lot better off. Okay, getting preachy and sidetracked, where were we?

Well... the point that I can't seem to make (long day in the lab...) is that dommes are people too, and it's only natural that they not be confident 100 percent of the time. If I can always be there to support my girlfriend in everday life and try to make her see how amazing she truely is, her confidence ought to carry over into the bdsm part of our relationship. If all else fails, I remind her that she totally kicks my ass at Lego Star Wars.

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RE: The confused, nervous, slightly insecure femdom of ... - 7/14/2008 2:46:49 PM

shadowcd

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I suppose i'm not the best person to comment on t his however my ex who was also my only bdsm partner was similer to this at the start however so was I and still am. I suppose the most importent thing is patience understanding and communication. maybe even have an idea of how things will go start to finish with a few options to mix it up but with both having a realitive idea how things will go with only the expectation that it's a learning process. I'm always a big fan of communication especially before and after a scene. :)

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RE: The confused, nervous, slightly insecure femdom of ... - 7/14/2008 7:25:38 PM

GigglingGoddess

Posts: 31
Joined: 6/14/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sleuthingsub
If I can always be there to support my girlfriend in everday life and try to make her see how amazing she truely is, her confidence ought to carry over into the bdsm part of our relationship. If all else fails, I remind her that she totally kicks my ass at Lego Star Wars.

That's right I do. I also kick your ass in a lot of other things, but the list is too long. And I love you <3

(apologies to the rest of the forum for being sappy)

< Message edited by GigglingGoddess -- 7/14/2008 7:28:04 PM >

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RE: The confused, nervous, slightly insecure femdom of ... - 7/14/2008 10:50:27 PM

sleuthingsub

Posts: 68
Joined: 1/30/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: GigglingGoddess

quote:

ORIGINAL: sleuthingsub
If I can always be there to support my girlfriend in everday life and try to make her see how amazing she truely is, her confidence ought to carry over into the bdsm part of our relationship. If all else fails, I remind her that she totally kicks my ass at Lego Star Wars.

That's right I do. I also kick your ass in a lot of other things, but the list is too long. And I love you <3

(apologies to the rest of the forum for being sappy)

Yay, love you too. Beautiful way to start my day. Maybe I can kick your ass at being publicly sappy? Oh wait, I know. I'm way better at reciting AD quotes at random times than you. Ya, be jealous :). I less than three you!

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RE: The confused, nervous, slightly insecure femdom of ... - 7/15/2008 12:02:46 AM

trueshadow

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Joined: 1/1/2005
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I think that many slaves would be grateful for the attention and the attempt, and would be more than willing to share their feelings during or after the 'session'. I certainly have and will do in the future.

No one is a mind reader, so fears of boring a person or doing it 'wrong' are common. Talking about things beforehand might be a help.

Certainly, expectations would come into play. I wouldn't expect or want fumbling around on the part of a pro-domme, but would expect it with a nervous beginner with whom I had a relationship of some sort with.

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RE: The confused, nervous, slightly insecure femdom of ... - 7/15/2008 2:55:21 PM

AllforFun

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Joined: 4/5/2007
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Ermmmm... I wonder if, when in this situation, it would be too far out of line to say, "dont worry about me, do what YOU want to do." ?

I think women place alot of emphasis on pleasing their men whereas men dont for their women. In fact, I think that may contribute to the illusion of males being more dominant. Some men have the attitude of, "I'll take what I want and then im done." And then we inevitably fall asleep, lol.

I have also noticed this strange trend in rap/hip-hop music. I hear lyrics like "Im going to let her get on top" and "I'll wait to get mine (cum) until she has had hers" and this is considered "freaky" (kinky), I, and I think most here, dont really consider that kinky at all. I find it hillarous that hip hop/rap artists think they are being edgy and kinky with these acts.

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