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Dom/Sub Sadistic/Victim? - 11/14/2005 9:55:19 AM

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Joined: 10/31/2005
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Does this dom/sub ,mean sadistic and punishment? Does it mean pain and pleasure? What if you just like rough sex and not serious pain? What about not causing pain to either person?

I view lovemaking in a totally different category as domestic ruling. What is the deal here? Can't the play just take place in the bedroom or does it envelop your life? I am new to this and have not had my first experience. I am still exploring the possibilities. I call myself a switch because I have no idea who I am. My wife at this time, is not into any of it. I tried. She is not open minded at all to any of the play. I feel like anything could maybe help our relationship. She is just coexisting with me at this point. I wish I knew how to bring her alive.

Okay back to the topic. Pain or no pain, sadistic or pleasure or both. Do they all go hand in hand? Or, are you just allowing someone to abuse You?

RE: Dom/Sub Sadistic/Victim? - 11/14/2005 10:11:49 AM

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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This is whatever you make of it. YOu can have everything, nothing, or anything in between.

Not everyone is into pain and domination. Some are just into pain and some are just into domination.

Trust me, you can have what works for you, no settling.

If you can imagine it, it exists.

(in reply to lovingme)

RE: Dom/Sub Sadistic/Victim? - 11/14/2005 10:30:12 AM

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Joined: 10/31/2005
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Thank you hon, I hope to find more answers to come.

(in reply to lovingme)

RE: Dom/Sub Sadistic/Victim? - 11/14/2005 11:46:20 AM

Posts: 4145
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: UK
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All relationships are different.

Some submissives are masochists. Some, are not and are Sadistic. Some Dominants will not even entertain the thought of sadism.

It is what you make it. Pain does not have to be involved in a Ds or BDSM relationship. Some people view pain as pleasure. Some view tickling as complete pain.

Its personal, individual. And wonderful to experiment with.

Peace and Rapture

_____________________________

.dark.

...i surrender to gravity and the unknown...

(in reply to lovingme)

RE: Dom/Sub Sadistic/Victim? - 11/15/2005 4:14:09 AM

Posts: 374
Joined: 12/6/2004
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There is far much more to a Dom sub relationship than sex.
Sensation play, is just that, a sensation. A straight old fashioned massage is a great sensation, stick a bit of sensory deprivation in there with a blindfold, and it turns into a whole new ball game.

Bet your wife wouldnt mind a 'no strings attatched' massage blindfolded using all sorts of equipment you find around the average house, like feathers, silk, soft brush, oil, rolling pin, ice, muscle rub like deep heat.
Read loads, then read some more.
Literotica has a excellent resource library, more so than here (my opinion) for learning through reading.

You might try a search on turning a ordinary vanilla marriage into a bdsm relationship, and see how others have found this experience. Its not always a happy ending. But there are plenty of tips on how to take baby steps into one.

Bondage can be as subtle as you wish. From a verbal 'keep still' to holding her wrists gently above her head whilst you make love.
Domination, can be as subtle as ordering her meal at a restaurant, or taking her wrist to cross the road rather than her hand. Or you doing as she asks you to do.

Sadism could be you tickling her, or visa versa

Masochism similar

its not all whips /chains /orgies/full body suspension for hours on end. Sometimes, its the subtle nuances that make ALL the difference.

Co-existing? Sounds like a good idea to stop treating your life like a dress rehearsal. Lifes too short honey for you to waste it co-existing!
Chances are, if you feel this way, she's not likely to be deluded and thinking all in your garden is rosey is she?
For ANY relationship to work, communication is required, for the intensity of a bdsm relationship, it needs to be more so i believe. But a skill that can be learnt if you wish.

i wish you well
pandoravampire

(in reply to darkinshadows)

RE: Dom/Sub Sadistic/Victim? - 11/15/2005 6:26:38 PM

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Joined: 10/30/2005
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Negotiation and communication are the key. Real life is not lived as a series of taxomies and typologies so don't let labels throw you off....

(in reply to lovingme)

RE: Dom/Sub Sadistic/Victim? - 11/16/2005 9:55:33 PM

Posts: 9
Joined: 11/7/2005
From: Lou, Kentucky
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Jacques1000

Negotiation and communication are the key. Real life is not lived as a series of taxomies and typologies so don't let labels throw you off....

lol...you look like christopher knight...

_____________________________

*PaLoMa*

(in reply to Jacques1000)

RE: Dom/Sub Sadistic/Victim? - 11/17/2005 8:37:19 PM

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Joined: 10/31/2005
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Thank you to all who replied. I am looking forward to the numbers in our home to get smaller and become a bit more at ease. When this happens, I think our relationship will blossom again and she will see that I have just been waiting for her. So many issues in our lives and we just try to make it through. Her parents live with us and her neice. It will get better maybe when they move out and she and I and the kids have our home back. I love her very much and feel very sad that our lives have come unglued in our faces. I feel that if she would allow me to, I could take her burdens from her to an extent. I don't know how much of that could involve this lifestyle and she is not into my joking about Mistress and slave or any of that. I feel like we are not connected and that is painful. We have been together for 6 years. Her parents have been with us for almost 3 of them. What a pain! I just wonder if she could relax a little and we could join together to talk every once in a while. Not to mention all of the love making we are not doing because of her stress. I am not ready to give up on her but I suffer daily with such frustrations and anger. I wish I could talk to her but, I have talked and cried till I am blue in the face. To no avail. No compromises were made. No improvements what-so-ever! What is the next step to save our relationship? Any suggestions? It is hard enough that we are two women living together in a bible belt city, Let alone not communicating. She thinks I am harsh and cold hearted sometimes when all I need is her. It is so upsetting.

(in reply to missmercy87)

RE: Dom/Sub Sadistic/Victim? - 11/19/2005 2:54:14 PM

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Joined: 5/26/2005
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It is everything you said, so why do you ask?
It's not you, that seeks answers, it is your wife and only you can answer those questions for her.
You know that, why am I telling you this?

Pain, pleasure, understanding the lifestyle, you need to convince her, my friend.

Peace, Kevin

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to lovingme)

RE: Dom/Sub Sadistic/Victim? - 11/20/2005 12:04:49 AM

jamesthehumanrug

Posts: 668
Joined: 10/21/2005
Status: offline

greetings lovingm
the pain comes afterward even in rough play
educate intergrate and make her sensitive to s and m it is the only way and if shes not happy secure and safe with you forget coming at all
how much is your relationship worth
do something

_____________________________

I REMAIN RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED
,LOVEles,
jamesthehumanrug

(in reply to lovingme)

RE: Dom/Sub Sadistic/Victim? - 11/20/2005 5:23:59 AM

Posts: 3403
Joined: 10/7/2005
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life is too short to spend it unfulfilled..
go reread pandora's posting to you--it was FILLED w/ great suggestions...
and having a houseful of kids is NO REASON not to pursue WIITWD!!! or to mainatain a wonderful, gratifying to BOTH sexlife

i don't guess just throwing her down and f***** the hell outta her is an option at this point

quote:

ORIGINAL: lovingme

Thank you to all who replied. I am looking forward to the numbers in our home to get smaller and become a bit more at ease. When this happens, I think our relationship will blossom again and she will see that I have just been waiting for her. So many issues in our lives and we just try to make it through. Her parents live with us and her neice. It will get better maybe when they move out and she and I and the kids have our home back. I love her very much and feel very sad that our lives have come unglued in our faces. I feel that if she would allow me to, I could take her burdens from her to an extent. I don't know how much of that could involve this lifestyle and she is not into my joking about Mistress and slave or any of that. I feel like we are not connected and that is painful. We have been together for 6 years. Her parents have been with us for almost 3 of them. What a pain! I just wonder if she could relax a little and we could join together to talk every once in a while. Not to mention all of the love making we are not doing because of her stress. I am not ready to give up on her but I suffer daily with such frustrations and anger. I wish I could talk to her but, I have talked and cried till I am blue in the face. To no avail. No compromises were made. No improvements what-so-ever! What is the next step to save our relationship? Any suggestions? It is hard enough that we are two women living together in a bible belt city, Let alone not communicating. She thinks I am harsh and cold hearted sometimes when all I need is her. It is so upsetting.

< Message edited by fyreredsub -- 11/20/2005 5:26:25 AM >

_____________________________

"Accordingly, men must then either fulfill their nature, or deny it, and in denying their nature, deny us ours, for ours is the complement to theirs. " Renegades

(in reply to lovingme)

RE: Dom/Sub Sadistic/Victim? - 12/6/2005 4:45:24 PM

Posts: 7
Joined: 10/31/2005
Status: offline

Maybe I just need a lover on the side. I don't know what I was looking for when I came here. I enjoy rough play and I enjoy alot of sex and I am getting none. I see that our relationship has entered a comfort level for her that she need not perform sexually because she does not think I am going ANYWHERE. She thinks we will be together forever and if we have no sex for a few weeks and more, it is fine. I told her, I am a young woman. I am not ready to give up my sex life and she can't believe that I count the days since our last encounter. She believes that sex is all I think about but I am not getting it. I beg and ask and make subtle hints and try sexy things and I always am the starter. She acts like if I don't start it, she doesn't care one way or the other. I work her up to get her excited and finally she wants to touch me. Every other month for 20 min. I am madly in love with this woman and that is all she can manage to give. She is the provider of the house but I need more provided than that. It depresses me and I feel lost when she doesn't want me. I wait until very late in the night to go to bed so that I don't get rejected again. I tried waking her in the middle of the night and she got off and went crazy and never even woke up and never touched me.

She has not performed oral sex on me in 4 years. What the hell. She is the Butch!!!! Whatever. I may need to leave just to save myself the heartache. I am lost and hurt that she doesn't need me anymore and that is why I came here, to find people to talk to and help me figure out things. I am suffering my own abuse here. Maybe my cold fish will wake up one day but what the f... do I do until then.

_____________________________

Loving each other through tender admission of each others needs. We graciously are neaded to one another after the cold of so many lonly nights.

(in reply to lovingme)

RE: Dom/Sub Sadistic/Victim? - 12/6/2005 8:14:38 PM

Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Maybe I just need a lover on the side.

Well, that is an excellent solution if you are looking to for a painful and destructive excuse to end the relationship. (I am making a presumption of monogamy.)

I feel your pain. You are unhappy with your sex life, your intimacy level, and perhaps your relationship in general. There is no quick fix for that. Only you can look at this relationship, weigh the negatives and the positives, and decide if it something you want to try and salvage. Or you can walk away. I assume you are tossing out "lover on the side" comments in desperation and frustration, but surely you realize that in not a viable answer.

If you have made efforts to communicate and feel you get nowhere, perhaps a couples counselor could help?

Goodness knows I am the last one to give advice on maintaining relationships (snort, chuckle, snort) but I know lots about what is the WRONG thing to do.

(in reply to lovingme)

RE: Dom/Sub Sadistic/Victim? - 12/12/2005 4:46:33 PM

veronicaboundcd

Posts: 101
Joined: 1/4/2005
Status: offline

A lover on the side to satisfy the needs you have that are not being filled in your current relationship............HMMMMMM........been there and done that, and wound up in two relationships at once that were absolutely miserable. The description of your relationship sounds very similiar to what mine became after 28 years of marriage, and once the children left, the situation only seemed to get worse. I would echo the advice proposed in previous posts. You need to take some time to think about all of this, and decide if it's worth saving. If you are looking for BDSM or any other miracle to fix something that is broken, you will be sadly dissapointed. Openness, Honesty, and Communication are the keys to a good relationship, no matter what type. If you feel you want to continue this relationship, you both need to sit down and find out what has brought the relationship to this point.
...............Yours, Veronica

(in reply to Sensualips)

RE: Dom/Sub Sadistic/Victim? - 12/14/2005 10:13:53 PM

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Joined: 10/31/2005
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frustration loomes on and on. I am looking for a miracle and I know its not coming. I was hoping that she would wake the hell up and see that I am still here after all of this time and realize that I am madly in love with her. He attitude sucks and she is taking it out on her family. My kids included. We had a huge fight the other day and it is the first we have had ever and she felt bad for all she was doing to me and cried. It lasted 2 days and she was back to her old self. I know that getting the kids grown and out of the house won't be the answer either because they were at my brothers house for a month and she could not touch me or would not and it seemed to not make a difference. I want her to have passion again and I think I am barking up the wrong tree. She seems dead inside. I can't get through to her. I will stay here and continue working on it because without her I am nothing. As far as the BDSM goes, I think I will just dream about it. Think about it while I am getting myself off. Just joking. I will ask her about it when she is in a askable place. She is far from me know. I just hope I can reach her again. She seems to be a different person than the one I fell for but it has not changed the way I feel about her it has just added resentment to the pile. I wish she could just see me.

I am happy that I came here because I have found some really nice people. Thanks everyone.

_____________________________

Loving each other through tender admission of each others needs. We graciously are neaded to one another after the cold of so many lonly nights.

(in reply to veronicaboundcd)

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