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Lust and bdsm desires. "Hi, I think I want to tie ... - 7/21/2008 10:26:24 AM

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Over on another thread about dating we're talking about the bdsm dynamic. In thinking about all this, I realized that I don't really have much control over my desires, really. When I am attracted to someone, I want to dominate them. It's not a matter of just picking an appropriate time and then deciding to engage in bdsm because it's the right time -- I am consciously dealing with a variety of bdsm "urges" depending on how into someone I am. Sometimes, these are inappropriate urges because the person is not available to me. In fact, I can pretty much say I don't have many "Oh I would LOVE to kiss him," urges with men I find "hot," but instead, I have "Oh, I would love to GAG him," urges. The kissing, sex, fondling, foreplay, and orgasm related desires are there too, but they are actually lower on the list. My primal drive to see a man submit is stronger than my drive to have sex or achieve orgasm.

But, of course, once I get physically close and start being intimate, all the other desires kick right in..

Do kinky people generally have these kinds of urges - whether you want to have them or not? When you find someone attractive, is your first desire something related to kink?

How does lust affect your kinky desires? Do you have to be emotionally attracted to someone before the desire to do BDSM kicks in? If you meet someone and have great chemistry right out of the gate, do you want to do kinky things with them? What about vanilla things (kissing, fondling, foreplay?) -- whether or not you actually DO them....do you have the desires?

Akasha

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RE: Lust and bdsm desires. "Hi, I think I want to ... - 7/21/2008 10:41:23 AM

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So you mean thoughts like "Wow. She would look great with her arms bound behind her back and her hair tied to the crosspost" isn't the normal response?

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RE: Lust and bdsm desires. "Hi, I think I want to ... - 7/21/2008 10:54:14 AM

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I have to say that I have always had the urge to be submissive sexually and to take care of my partner. Yes, i have always had the desires, I was married to a vanilla person for a while so have only really been ablt to express my kinky desires recently, but the desires were there from puberty.

(in reply to Asmodeus)

RE: Lust and bdsm desires. "Hi, I think I want to ... - 7/21/2008 11:26:30 AM

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FR

Yep. Really, if it weren't automatic, I probably would've stayed vanilla. I'm not the sort that enjoys being different, you see, I just keep turning out to BE different whether I like it or not.
From earliest days, I wanted to dominate the people I was attracted to, at least to engage in "rough sex". Imagining vanilla sorts of sexual activity is pleasant, but rarely arousing. I have to have SOMETHING or it's...meh.

(in reply to Sexycelticlady)

RE: Lust and bdsm desires. "Hi, I think I want to ... - 7/21/2008 11:55:32 AM

Hime

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Oh Yes, I get those first thoughts and urges predominantly with women. I recently began hanging out with a girl that exhibits very natural submissive tendencies towards me. And although she and I are currently just friends, the Domme in me can't help but imagine her naked, bound in ropes, hands tied behind her back, kneeling before me. *sighs* My thoughts to Dominate her came along before I ever even imagined kissing her.

With men, it's different. I am strongly attracted to those ambitious Alpha types that are used to getting exactly what they want....when they want it. The strong energy between us and the challenge to control them is a sexual turn on for me. And, the first thoughts that often come to mind are of ways to arouse and seduce them. Sexual penetration may be on mind But....it's the "Tease and Denial" that makes the build up so much more fun.

~xoxo

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Lust and bdsm desires. "Hi, I think I want to ... - 7/21/2008 1:33:38 PM

TallDarkAndWitty

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For me, there are women who I want to tie up and repeatedly violate (in a totally consensual manner, of course) and then there are women that I want to take out to a lovely dinner, followed by the ballet, followed by a slow and deliberate seduction in which I kiss, lick, and nibble each and every delightful curve on her body before consummating the evening with some intense, but most definitely leather free, loving...

It has nothing to do with appearance and everything to do with attitude. If a woman carries herself as my equal, I can be smitten in a romantic way. If she flips the "I'm a submissive" switch, I get lost in my desire to make her my plaything.

Go figure...

Taggard

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(in reply to Hime)

RE: Lust and bdsm desires. "Hi, I think I want to ... - 7/21/2008 1:36:01 PM

Monkeyontuesday

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I kind of go along with what Taggard said...

For a while I used sex as a tool to get emotional gratification (in whatever sense you want to take that) and to act out my aggressions.

So, if I am emotionally involved with a person, I don't automatically go kinky on them... I kinda have to build up to that...

Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuut.. If I'm just lookin' for jollies, then I go all out right away. Go figure.

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)

RE: Lust and bdsm desires. "Hi, I think I want to ... - 7/21/2008 2:59:57 PM

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When you find someone attractive, is your first desire something related to kink?

Yes.

Do you have to be emotionally attracted to someone before the desire to do BDSM kicks in?

No.

If you meet someone and have great chemistry right out of the gate, do you want to do kinky things with them?

Yes.

What about vanilla things (kissing, fondling, foreplay?) -- whether or not you actually DO them....do you have the desires?

Killjoy.

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Lust and bdsm desires. "Hi, I think I want to ... - 7/21/2008 4:43:26 PM

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I wouldn't say it is first on my mind when I find someone attractive, but definitely second or third. It depends on where my priorities are set that day. But definitely in thinking if there is any possible compatibility between us, they're going to have to exhibit some dominant traits. Something that tells me I won't have to suffer another vanilla relationship, or one where I attempt to top from the bottom and then go home to my Hitachi Magic Wand in disgust. Simple actions though, like giving me a bit of a cocky attitude, or being able to command attention in a room, and I'm thinking about pleasing him all the ways I know how

(in reply to AAkasha)

RE: Lust and bdsm desires. "Hi, I think I want to ... - 7/21/2008 5:04:29 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

For me, there are women who I want to tie up and repeatedly violate (in a totally consensual manner, of course) and then there are women that I want to take out to a lovely dinner, followed by the ballet, followed by a slow and deliberate seduction in which I kiss, lick, and nibble each and every delightful curve on her body before consummating the evening with some intense, but most definitely leather free, loving...

It has nothing to do with appearance and everything to do with attitude. If a woman carries herself as my equal, I can be smitten in a romantic way. If she flips the "I'm a submissive" switch, I get lost in my desire to make her my plaything.

Go figure...

Taggard

I hear this over and over again from Doms and from vanilla men (in that they want a "lady" to go out with and take home to mom and show her the "good life", but they want a down-on-their-knees sub slut in the bedroom.

Not that I'm picking apart your post, I just wanted to ask. Why can't a sub be both? Why can't she be deserving of both kinds of attention? Or for that matter all of your attention? Why can't she (a sub) be the lady on your arm that dotes on you but yet enjoys a nice evening out? Or still be that same lady that enjoys being on her knees in front of you, taking pleasure from the spanking or flogging and being ravaged from dusk to dawn?

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)

RE: Lust and bdsm desires. "Hi, I think I want to ... - 7/21/2008 5:18:19 PM

TallDarkAndWitty

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quote:

ORIGINAL: kallisto

I hear this over and over again from Doms and from vanilla men (in that they want a "lady" to go out with and take home to mom and show her the "good life", but they want a down-on-their-knees sub slut in the bedroom.

You misunderstand me if you think that is what I am saying. I want my down-on-their-knees sub slut to be a sub slut everywhere. (My current 24/7 live in slave is a porn star.) But my sub slut will never be my "lady". I want my significant other to be my equal everywhere...I want to spoil her and care for her and yet she has to be strong enough emotionally and financially not to need it.

quote:

Not that I'm picking apart your post, I just wanted to ask. Why can't a sub be both? Why can't she be deserving of both kinds of attention?

Because I am wired not to hurt the ones I am romantically in love with. I can only be cruel to my slave in the way that she needs to be happy because she is not my girlfriend. When I start to develop romantic feelings for a slave, it is over for me. It becomes impossible for me to "hurt" them in the way that I did before I fell in love. They become unsatisfied, and I begin looking for someone else to "hurt", as owning and using a slave is a need that is forever part of me.

quote:

Or for that matter all of your attention?

Again, I am just not wired that way...I am not a monogamous man.

quote:

Why can't she (a sub) be the lady on your arm that dotes on you but yet enjoys a nice evening out? Or still be that same lady that enjoys being on her knees in front of you, taking pleasure from the spanking or flogging and being ravaged from dusk to dawn?

Because if I took her out and treated her like a princess all night long, I simply can't flip a switch and start beating her...I just don't work that way. I need a consistent relationship with the women in my life. Either you are my equal or you serve me...you can't be both. That is just the way my heart and mind work.

Taggard

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A most rewarding compliment is an insult from the ill-informed.

My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to kallisto)

RE: Lust and bdsm desires. "Hi, I think I want to ... - 7/21/2008 6:38:08 PM

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quote:

Do you have to be emotionally attracted to someone before the desire to do BDSM kicks in?

Yeah pretty much, partly because of who I am but also because anyone I play with casually tends to fall in love with me. I recently realized, or at least someone commented on why they think that happens (I blur the lines unintentionally and she pointed out where I do that) but I pretty much don't play outside a primary relationship although I am now exploring that option.

quote:

If you meet someone and have great chemistry right out of the gate, do you want to do kinky things with them?

I have BEGUN relationships by doing kinky things, even before we had coffee, but yeah, I see some hot chick and my first thought goes to how she would look screaming NO as a I rape her tight little asshole.

quote:

What about vanilla things (kissing, fondling, foreplay?) -- whether or not you actually DO them....do you have the desires?

I love vanilla sex but if it is good it does tend to lead to Klingon sex and kissing turns to biting lips, fondling turns to pinching, and foreplay turns to pain play, but hey, I AM a pervert.

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)

RE: Lust and bdsm desires. "Hi, I think I want to ... - 7/21/2008 6:42:59 PM

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Lust is rather strange with me. I have objectified my kink to the point that I can pretty much turn on or off the sexual part.

You need to be intelligent-amoral in the sexual department (but not the ethical aspects)

And scientifically and artistically creative and capable to really get me interested.

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RE: Lust and bdsm desires. "Hi, I think I want to ... - 7/21/2008 6:55:25 PM

InsaenPleasures

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I do not think I need to be emotionally involved to start sizing up women I find attractive at first glance. I consider if they are a pain slut, a sensual sub, or perhaps just a little light olive oil on the side. Part of it is sexist I think, seeing women as kink objects but I don't try and be too politically correct inside of my own mind and besides I would totally buy them dinner first.

Edited for lost words

< Message edited by InsaenPleasures -- 7/21/2008 6:56:35 PM >

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

RE: Lust and bdsm desires. "Hi, I think I want to ... - 7/21/2008 7:09:49 PM

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For me, my submissiveness has always been closely linked with my sexuality. If I'm attracted to someone I pretty much automatically behave in a submissive fashion towards him. If the guy doesn't have a natural dominance that ignites that subbie spark in me, I'm not attracted.

I love all of the "vanilla" stuff... kissing, cuddling, holding hands. It's got to be with a guy that I feel submissive towards, though, in order for it to be anything more than just a physical connection. And I'm rapidly getting to the point where even "just a physical" connection pales in comparison to a devoted relationship.

lil Aidan

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)

RE: Lust and bdsm desires. "Hi, I think I want to ... - 7/21/2008 7:39:59 PM

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Joined: 7/3/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

For me, there are women who I want to tie up and repeatedly violate (in a totally consensual manner, of course) and then there are women that I want to take out to a lovely dinner, followed by the ballet, followed by a slow and deliberate seduction in which I kiss, lick, and nibble each and every delightful curve on her body before consummating the evening with some intense, but most definitely leather free, loving...

It has nothing to do with appearance and everything to do with attitude. If a woman carries herself as my equal, I can be smitten in a romantic way. If she flips the "I'm a submissive" switch, I get lost in my desire to make her my plaything.

Go figure...

Taggard

Can the same woman do both?

(in reply to TallDarkAndWitty)

RE: Lust and bdsm desires. "Hi, I think I want to ... - 7/21/2008 8:03:08 PM

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For me, there are certain big, strong men who just ooze dominance and power and whom I find very attractive and sexy. Some part of my brain starts to picture him getting nice and rough, and me letting him. There are few men nowadays who I find attractive if they don't have a bit of that caveman, animalistic, take-charge aura around them. Some men are "handsome" but if I can't imagine him in a dominant place, he just can't flip my switch.

Speaking of switch, the women I find attractive in a bdsm sense are the ones who tend to be pretty and submissive - the ones I can just grab by the hair, kiss, and tell what to do in the bedroom. Those are the ones who turn me on.

I think my kink has permeated a lot of the amourous thoughts that I have now.

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RE: Lust and bdsm desires. "Hi, I think I want to ... - 7/21/2008 8:08:32 PM

TallDarkAndWitty

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quote:

ORIGINAL: msprudence
Can the same woman do both?

Not for me...see post #11 above.

Taggard

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My slave: Kat (RainaVerene on the other side) and her website: RainaVerene.com

(in reply to msprudence)

RE: Lust and bdsm desires. "Hi, I think I want to ... - 7/21/2008 9:42:06 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: msprudence

quote:

ORIGINAL: TallDarkAndWitty

For me, there are women who I want to tie up and repeatedly violate (in a totally consensual manner, of course) and then there are women that I want to take out to a lovely dinner, followed by the ballet, followed by a slow and deliberate seduction in which I kiss, lick, and nibble each and every delightful curve on her body before consummating the evening with some intense, but most definitely leather free, loving...

It has nothing to do with appearance and everything to do with attitude. If a woman carries herself as my equal, I can be smitten in a romantic way. If she flips the "I'm a submissive" switch, I get lost in my desire to make her my plaything.

Go figure...

Taggard

Can the same woman do both?

Hell yes, the same woman can do both, at least for me and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Taggard, next time you are going to be in SF, let me know and the first couple of rounds are on me!

(in reply to msprudence)

RE: Lust and bdsm desires. "Hi, I think I want to ... - 7/22/2008 12:46:04 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

How does lust affect your kinky desires? Do you have to be emotionally attracted to someone before the desire to do BDSM kicks in? If you meet someone and have great chemistry right out of the gate, do you want to do kinky things with them? What about vanilla things (kissing, fondling, foreplay?) -- whether or not you actually DO them....do you have the desires?

Akasha

Lust has a big effect on My "kinky desires." I appreciate all women for their beauty, and I can leave it at that. But...When I see a really hot woman, one that can inspire thoughts of lust in Me...My thoughts will quickly go along the lines of..."I want to do things to that!" Almost immediately I'm imagining her tied up and at My mercy. It doesn't have to be an emotional attraction, physical lust gets the Dom in Me going. I can and do have the vanilla thoughts as well, but when I see something really hot, My mind usually goes to the dark side first.
I enjoy all of the desires, dark and vanilla. I always wanted the kind of relationship where both vanilla and dark desires were there. I'm enjoying that kind of relationship right now. So, for those that wonder if both can be had with the same person...I'm here to tell you that it's definitely possible. I have the wonderful woman who I love to walk hand in hand with, kiss, hold, and just enjoy each other's company. And...I have the submissive cockwhore fucktoy who makes Me hard everytime I think about her in a teary-eyed, makeup running mess because of what I've just done to her.

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(in reply to AAkasha)

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