|
julietsierra -> RE: So, you are a "slave" (7/28/2008 3:08:00 AM)
|
I am a slave. I don't know what it is that makes me so, but evidently I am one. I was just fine with the idea that I was a submissive, and I've never really wanted this, nor have I sought it out, yet in my interactions with my Master, I am one. I've come to accept this, but it wasn't without a LOT of struggle and angst along the way. And whatever it is that I do that makes me one, I do so very willingly and most of the time, very enthusiastically - even when it's something I would really rather not do.
What do I bring to the table? Again, I'm not really sure what constitutes slavish quality skills. I don't see that what I do is really any different than what other people do, and yet, I'm assured that it is. I've been told "you're different. You're special." Yet, I don't understand that. What's so special about a woman who is with the best man she's ever met in her life and wants to do whatever he says - whatever that is.
What I do know is that in 6 years, I've said "no" precisely once to something he's wanted. That was in regard to attending a wedding reception for a friend. He preferred staying where we were. I said I wanted to as well, but didn't think I could/should do that. They were our friends and we'd been invited. One of the people in the couple had been my friend for years and years and years. I said that if he wanted to stay, then I completely understood and that I'd attend the reception and represent him if that was ok with him, but I felt that at least one of us should attend. That's it. We went to the reception. He was right, we shouldn't have gone. The guy up and ended it less than two years later. But it was still something that I felt was important to do - if even just for her.
I do know that we talk about our work a lot and that each gives each other insight into what's happening there that the other might not have had prior to the conversation, but doesn't everyone do that with the person they care about? And since it's reciprocal, I don't understand how that can be slavish.
And ok, I love fishing as much as he does, but in the end, while I can bait a hook and take a fish off of it, since I can't seem to cut into anything that's looking at me, and using a towel for a fishy blindfold so far, doesn't seem to be working for me, he cleans the fish. So I can't even say I do that. But I did try - and I keep trying.
I guess all I can say is that I bring obedience and the effort to do what he says at all times. I bring trust - in him, in his actions, and even in his lack of action sometimes. I accept him exactly as he is without attempting to change him. I guess there are a lot of little things I do, but honestly, I can't say that those are "slave" things. To me, they're just things that I do willingly and enthusiastically and that even after 6 years, I look forward to (heck, even cleaning the very very dirty carpet on his boat by hand was fun to me - I'm weird I think). I also care very deeply for him - ok, I love him... so does love constitute slavery? Or does it nullify it? I don't know. I just know I do love and I am his slave.
But anyway, he doesn't like piercings, so getting my nipples pierced - if that's a sign of slavery, I don't do. (come to think of it, this is a very good thing, because I hate nipple piercings as well.) In my opinion, they're not a good idea in my profession. I have a hard time with the idea that I'd be standing up in front of a bunch of hormone happy young people in the middle of winter when it's perpetually cold in my building and have to hide rings on top of cold nipples.
He doesn't punish for infractions, so it's not like my slavery is characterized by how much of a beating I can take when I've done something wrong. In fact, I try like hell NOT to do anything wrong - not for fear of a beating, cause like I said, he doesn't do that, but for fear of disappointing him. I can't stand that thought.
Although I am a masochist and can (so far) pretty much take whatever beating he feels free to give when he wants to. I guess I could say I also don't ask him to do that since he doesn't want me asking.
I do know that 6 years ago he said no masturbation and that sometimes it's very very VERY difficult, but that the last time I did that was 6 years ago - and it's not like we see each other every day.
I do know that while I enjoy other people, I'm essentially monogamous - except by his direction, and that he's poly. Whatever I do, I do for him, because of him and with him, and I never veer from this. I also have a lot of fun along the way, but in the end, it's still him that's first and foremost in my mind, no matter what it is we undertake or who we meet. I know that that sometimes causes me a lot of angst, and still, I am excited for him when he finds someone new - and I even look for him, always trusting in the idea that someday, we'll meet someone who will just click with me, and I'll be able to join him in his love of others. In the meantime, if it's difficult for me, then that's a personal problem because to do anything else would be denying him the opportunity to be who he is. He is allowing me to be who I am - even if he'd probably prefer someone who is more like him in this regard.
In the end, these topics of "what do you bring to the table as a slave" always confuse me, because as a slave, wouldn't what I bring to the table really just feel like normal life? To me they do - cause I don't really know how to answer that question - and never have.
juliet
|
|
|
|
