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A revelation from a new Domme - 8/2/2008 9:55:21 AM

MagikMisstress

Posts: 14
Joined: 5/21/2008
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I was talking with a submissive last night. One that I want to get to know better, one that I cold come to care for (alot). And I was struck with this sudden stab of fear. Fear that I would hurt them, push them to far, not far enough. I was worried about what I could do to them.

It was strange. As a submissive that thouht never occured to me. I knew in the back of my mind that the Dom/me that I was with was always in control, but I never thought of what. I though it was always just of me, not of them to.

Am I alone in this or am I being overly sensitive and paroniod? I can't tell.

Post #: 1

RE: A revelation from a new Domme - 8/2/2008 10:10:47 AM

faerytattoodgirl

Posts: 5824
Status: offline

quote:

Fear that I would hurt them, push them to far, not far enough. I was worried about what I could do to them.

it is only human nature to feel/think this way.

_____________________________

I did not reply to your cmail.

I am flawed.

Imperfect.

MUST SPANK!!!

SPAAAAAAAANK!!!

(in reply to MagikMisstress)

Post #: 2

RE: A revelation from a new Domme - 8/2/2008 10:38:51 AM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

We're all human first -- we have insecurities, fears.. and so many other things. The key is to put it all into perspective... the person you engage with has the same ones. We not so different, at least in my mind.

*grin*

good luck

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to MagikMisstress)

Post #: 3

RE: A revelation from a new Domme - 8/2/2008 10:59:20 AM

azropedntied

Posts: 1829
Joined: 7/25/2005
From: Phx AZ
Status: offline

AFLACK .. now thats funny !
Thats a good thing that you as a Domme /Top are concerned about the well being and safety of the one in your care , start slow and get to know this person in time you shall know what can be given and what they can take , or any emotional triggers or landmines .A monkey can hit and use a flogger a Mistress /Domme envolves much more .
enjoy the journey .

(in reply to Madame4a)

Post #: 4

RE: A revelation from a new Domme - 8/2/2008 11:00:40 AM

Coupleofwhats

Posts: 280
Joined: 6/4/2008
Status: offline

I'd only be concerned if you NEVER felt that way.

It's totally normal-- and necessary, if you ask me -- for a domme to worry about that sort of thing: it shows that you have a sense of empathy. Woe to the sub who plays with a psychopath.

_____________________________

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fm6JgZ35w8w

(in reply to MagikMisstress)

Post #: 5

RE: A revelation from a new Domme - 8/2/2008 11:22:45 AM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

Coupleofwhats,

--- Woe to the sub who plays with a psychopath.

I can vouch for this statement. It's really *not* fun or healthy.

Elan.

(in reply to Coupleofwhats)

Post #: 6

RE: A revelation from a new Domme - 8/2/2008 11:41:43 AM

ftmboyfag

Posts: 23
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline

MagikMisstress, I have the same worries as I'm being asked to become a Dom for the first time. My new boy is my first submissive, and I worry about his safety and satisfaction so much that it interferes a bit with our play. He's perfectly happy and I seem to check on him too often or ask his opinion too much when he just wants me to have my wicked way with him

. Oh, you'll make mistakes, but your play will get smoother as time goes on. Just be prepared safety-wise and you'll be fine!

Reading Jay Wiseman's S&M 101 and The New Topping Book has really helped me. Good luck!

_____________________________

Happy novice top to D! :3

(in reply to ElanSubdued)

Post #: 7

RE: A revelation from a new Domme - 8/2/2008 11:51:55 AM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

MagikMisstress,

quote:

I was talking with a submissive last night. One that I want to get to know better, one that I cold come to care for (alot). And I was struck with this sudden stab of fear. Fear that I would hurt them, push them to far, not far enough. I was worried about what I could do to them.

It was strange. As a submissive that thought never occurred to me. I knew in the back of my mind that the Dom/me that I was with was always in control, but I never thought of what. I though it was always just of me, not of them too.

Am I alone in this or am I being overly sensitive and paranoid? I can't tell.

You're not alone. What you've expressed is a vitally important skill of any responsible dominant. A friend of mine will read what I'm about to write next and say "see"? She knows (well) how to gain ground in our "constructive" debates. :-) Still, I'll write this anyway.

When I was a dominant, the concerns you've expressed were at the forefront of my mind. Of course, I had concerns about being in control of my submissive, but I had equally many concerns about being in control of myself. During one play session, I hit my submissive much harder and more brutally than I intended, and not just once. I allowed myself to get into a somewhat rhythmic, floaty, dangerous "top space". (Note, there are "top spaces" I consider healthy and good, but this type isn't one of them - at least not when you're in charge of someone else.) She wore the marks I gave with pride, but I was concerned about her physical and emotional safety, and concerned about my own lack of control over myself. We talked a lot afterward and it took quite a bit of support from my submissive for me to realize that everything was okay. Ironically, she didn't need aftercare, but I needed quite a bit, from her. I needed to ensure my submissive was okay, to evaluate my actions, to learn from my actions, and to gain better control over myself.

So Magik... I think the thoughts you're having are every bit human, dominant, and responsible. Think these through and, if I may, I also suggest talking to your partner about this. Talking to one another will help build mutual trust. Together, you can help each other create mechanisms for your mutual enjoyment and safety. As a submissive myself, I don't want a partner who is an unwavering, unapproachable, infallible wall. I know my partner has concerns, doubts, things to learn, and vulnerabilities as all humans do. Thus, it comforts me when my Domina is willing to express these because this way we can learn together and help one another. Communication is human, sexy, and vitally important in any relationship. You seem to care a lot about your potential submissive and your worries and fears show this. As far as I'm concerned, you're on the totally right track.

It's threads like these that help wash away fantasy bullshit and get people thinking about actual BDSM relationships. You're not only getting information for yourself, but helping everyone else who reads this thread too. Thank you for starting this excellent thread.

Elan.

(in reply to MagikMisstress)

Post #: 8

RE: A revelation from a new Domme - 8/2/2008 1:15:28 PM

MsStarlett

Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline

I ALWAYS have that fear with a new person. One never knows how the play pretty will react. Some yell thier safe word before they have gotten to the point they desired - as discussed on another thread - others I fear will NEVER use it because they (you know who you are!) are so despirate to please me that they may let me go to far.

_____________________________

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shakes, the shakes become a warning,
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

(in reply to ElanSubdued)

Post #: 9

RE: A revelation from a new Domme - 8/2/2008 4:03:12 PM

StrongSpirit

Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline

I have been told by a sub that one of the joys of submission is to give up worrying.

Obviously, this is only safe if someone else takes over the job of worrying.

Thus, all good dom's and domme's take on the burden of responsibility and worry when they accept submission.

(in reply to MsStarlett)

Post #: 10

RE: A revelation from a new Domme - 8/2/2008 5:38:08 PM

CallaFirestormBW

Posts: 3651
Joined: 6/29/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MagikMisstress

I was talking with a submissive last night. One that I want to get to know better, one that I cold come to care for (alot). And I was struck with this sudden stab of fear. Fear that I would hurt them, push them to far, not far enough. I was worried about what I could do to them.

It was strange. As a submissive that thouht never occured to me. I knew in the back of my mind that the Dom/me that I was with was always in control, but I never thought of what. I though it was always just of me, not of them to.

Am I alone in this or am I being overly sensitive and paroniod? I can't tell.

I'm always impressed by how powerful that lurch of "I'm going to be responsible for this person" is. I always pay attention for it. To me, it indicates a subconscious recognition that this person's life will be in my hands, and when it doesn't pop up at some point in our pre-collar period, I question whether the relationship is a good fit. I don't keep servants who don't elicit this response in me. I consider it a sign that we're not bonding in our owner/owned dynamic.

Calla Firestorm

_____________________________

***
Said to me recently: "Look, I know you're the "voice of reason"... but dammit, I LIKE being unreasonable!!!!"

"Your mind is more interested in the challenge of becoming than the challenge of doing." Jon Benson, Bodybuilder/Trainer

(in reply to MagikMisstress)

Post #: 11

RE: A revelation from a new Domme - 8/2/2008 7:10:03 PM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

Well thank goodness that I am invulnerable and perfect!

<we pause now for Elan to stop laughing at me in that unseemly manner>

My former slave, the psychopath, was a person with no limits, and no common sense. (I guess a lot of addicts are into the moremoremore). It was intoxicating for me to be able to play with someone who genuinely didn't care if he was injured, as long as the ride was one long thrill. Time after time, I stopped scenes ages before he would have. He complained about that a lot... After the fact, I had some times of wishing that I had taken that step further, but I am glad that I didn't.

What kept me back? Me, the person who loves blood, bruises, welts, scars? My sense of personal responsibility. Whatever I do is going to follow me for the rest of my life, even if it's a "secret". The very fact that you are concerned about what you MIGHT do, Magik, shows that you really are in the right place mentally. Does having this concern mean that you will never make a mistake? Of course not. It DOES mean that your chances of screwing up are that much less, though, because you see that you have got a new world of responsibility to deal with.

Have fun exploring.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to CallaFirestormBW)

Post #: 12

RE: A revelation from a new Domme - 8/2/2008 7:57:48 PM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

StrongSpirit,

quote:

I have been told by a sub that one of the joys of submission is to give up worrying. Obviously, this is only safe if someone else takes over the job of worrying. Thus, all good dom's and domme's take on the burden of responsibility and worry when they accept submission.

Perhaps this works for some, however, it doesn't work for me. I am as concerned about my Domina as she is for me. In my opinion, we both keep ourselves and each other safe (in vanilla and BDSM life). There are times I might allow myself to get a bit spacey as my partner plays out her devious desires while also looking after me. However, I'm not going to do this unless I know my partner is okay. Likewise, there may be various reasons why it is either more appropriate, prudent, or required by my partner that I remain lucid. One thing is for sure. If I see my Domina in anguish, I'll help her. This might be emotions that have unexpectedly come up, tiredness, inadvertent injury, or any number of other reasons. The point is I am not a passive participant in my relationships. I'm a very active participant and very active in looking after myself and my partner. Therefore, I don't view submission as an opportunity to pass on the job of concern to someone else. As a submissive, the balance I try to maintain is looking out for my Domina in a loyal, loving way while simultaneously supporting her authority, dominance, and command in our relationship.

Elan.

(in reply to StrongSpirit)

Post #: 13

RE: A revelation from a new Domme - 8/2/2008 8:05:07 PM

ElanSubdued

Posts: 1511
Status: offline

LadyHibiscus,

quote:

<we pause now for Elan to stop laughing at me in that unseemly manner>

Hey! Just a darned minute! I might call you "bitch" and many other terms of endearment, but I'd never laugh at you. Truly. I wouldn't. :-)

quote:

My former slave, the psychopath, was a person with no limits, and no common sense. (I guess a lot of addicts are into the moremoremore). It was intoxicating for me to be able to play with someone who genuinely didn't care if he was injured, as long as the ride was one long thrill. Time after time, I stopped scenes ages before he would have. He complained about that a lot... After the fact, I had some times of wishing that I had taken that step further, but I am glad that I didn't.

What kept me back? Me, the person who loves blood, bruises, welts, scars? My sense of personal responsibility. Whatever I do is going to follow me for the rest of my life, even if it's a "secret". The very fact that you are concerned about what you MIGHT do, Magik, shows that you really are in the right place mentally. Does having this concern mean that you will never make a mistake? Of course not. It DOES mean that your chances of screwing up are that much less, though, because you see that you have got a new world of responsibility to deal with.

Well said. Very, very well said.

Elan.

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 14

RE: A revelation from a new Domme - 8/2/2008 9:39:06 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

That is one of the reasons that when I top, I only top people I care about. I worry that I might hurt then and if I care, I really want them to have a good time.
If I don't care.. well.. I am a sadist and not in the erotic sense.
Knowing and liking someone enough to care about what they feel is very important if and when I do top them.

(in reply to MagikMisstress)

Post #: 15

RE: A revelation from a new Domme - 8/3/2008 1:43:29 AM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

Some excellent answers here already, I can't top them

Just to add that I would only be worried about a Dominant that doesn't feel and think that way. It shows You are on the right track!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 16

RE: A revelation from a new Domme - 8/5/2008 12:00:54 PM

MmeDemonaDuValle

Posts: 2
Joined: 7/8/2008
Status: offline

This is exactly why good communication is necessary. before during and after a scene. Ask how did that feel? Did it hurt? did you like it? Understanding where your subs head is numero uno (:. As a Domme you need to be on top of that

(in reply to MagikMisstress)

Post #: 17

RE: A revelation from a new Domme - 8/5/2008 2:16:51 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Welcome to the world of Dominance. You have just experienced something that every other Dominant, especially those with sadist tendencies, has experienced. You just realized the fact that you have a responsibility to another human being who is willing to give themselves to you, and entrusted you to their care.

That all sounds rather ominous, doesn't it? I promise you that it's not. In fact, if you hold on to the reasons behind your fears and your concerns, you're less likely to have to go through realizing the effects of not taking them seriously. Recognizing the things that you're afraid of, does actually help to prevent them from happening. Oh, I'm not saying you'll never make a mistake. We all do that. Still, those worries that you have will guide you between the difference between a mistake and intentional harm.

Believe it or not, rational fear really is a good thing. Without it, we'd run around doing silly things, like go right ahead and jump off that tall building. There'd be no fear of going splat. We'd do things to other people and not think about the consequences, for them or for us. When you have these kinds of feelings, take a look at them. Examine them for what they are. Recognize what is in you that contributes to it. Use them as part of your decision making process. Believe Me, it pays off.

No, you're not alone in thinking or feeling this way. I went through a lot of struggles, especially accepting My sadism. It took time for Me to accept that I enjoy hurting people, particularly people who wanted to be hurt or wanted to be in pain because it made Me happy. I had to take the time to look at Myself and find what drives Me. This also happened around the time that I looked to see what drives them. Then, I did some inner balancing. All in all, it was a good growth period for Me.

I'm not saying I'm past that. Actually, part of what keeps Me on the ground, in a sense, is that I'm still connected with that fear in a few ways. New ways to play, new things to learn, new play partners always bring a bit of it back. Even with familiar partners and types of play that I've become skilled at, there is still always a bit of caution in there. I know I'm not perfect. I know mistakes happen. I know that when I take My sadist out for a romp, it still needs to be tempered with morality and empathy. Anyone who tells you they can't identify with some if not all of that, would probably scare the wits out of Me.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to MagikMisstress)

Post #: 18

RE: A revelation from a new Domme - 8/6/2008 8:54:53 PM

Reigna

Posts: 334
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline

You worry about what you might do. Then you do stuff. Then you worry about what you just did.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 19

RE: A revelation from a new Domme - 8/6/2008 9:49:38 PM

DivineMistressM

Posts: 1
Joined: 6/25/2008
Status: offline

I have been VERY happy with simply reading the boards and saying nothing (yeah, I'm like that)...but I absolutely had to respond to this thread because I was just discussing this exact topic with a friend not two hours ago...

I am still relatively new to the lifestyle. I was introduced about a year and a half ago by a man that was very submissive and very service-oriented. We did very, VERY little pain play. I am now seeing a submissive who, while I would not classify him as a "pain slut", certainly enjoys that aspect of play much more than I originally thought. Wow, this is great, right?

Well, I grew up always being the girl who was getting in trouble for playing too rough and hurting the other kids. Even in just play wrestling with vanilla men, it would generally end in me accidentally bruising them or going a little too far and pissing them off. I have spent my life trying to hold back my aggressive, rough, and overbearing nature...this idea that I CAN hurt a willing sub and that they LIKE it and WANT MORE is something I am still getting used to.

Anyway, that's my humble contribution. Back to another two months of reading the boards without contributing! hahaha

~THE DivineMistressM

(in reply to MagikMisstress)

Post #: 20

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