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Coping with Change - 8/7/2008 11:27:26 AM   
DrFaustus


Posts: 40
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline 		My wife has been a devoted slave to me for four of the last six years. She has been sexually submissive to me since we met eighteen years ago. I support her financially and she has served me quite well, both domestically and sexually. I had given her permission to explore relationships with women to better understand her bisexual feelings. She has been in two relationships with lesbians that went much further than I had intended over the last couple of years. I have been working very hard to adapt myself to the unexpected changes which include my wife moving from a slave to a sexual submissive. It seems that part of the change in her has been caused by some peer group pressure coming from a vanilla lesbian community. She is now distancing herself somewhat from this community because she can't take being discriminated against by lesbians who can't handle her being being in a relationship with a man. We are now monogamous, but she seems to be in a state of flux and seems to now be resistant to too much direction from me.

I miss the person she was, but very much appreciate who she is (or may become). How do others cope with these kind of changes (or do you cope with them)?
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RE: Coping with Change - 8/7/2008 12:44:25 PM   
daddysliloneds


Posts: 1351
Joined: 6/28/2006
Status: offline 		sometimes people don't want anyone else to fix them, help them or to come up with all the answers for them; they are best dealt with by leaving them to find their own way.  the way to cope with the change from being a person who was all of the above things to another, to being someone who now isn't, is to learn to relax and not feel the need to be needed so much, or to volunteer your time mentoring someone who wants and needs your direction.

(in reply to DrFaustus)
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RE: Coping with Change - 8/7/2008 12:45:50 PM   
DrFaustus


Posts: 40
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline 		That is quite reasonable advice. Thank you.

(in reply to daddysliloneds)
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RE: Coping with Change - 8/7/2008 12:50:41 PM   
Leatherist


Posts: 5149
Joined: 12/11/2007
Status: offline 		Take the time to figure out the negative programming she took in from the dykes, and see if she undestands it as such-and as not pertaining to the two of you.

_____________________________

My shop is currently segueing into production mode.

I'm not taking custom orders.

(in reply to DrFaustus)
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RE: Coping with Change - 8/7/2008 1:08:31 PM   
DrFaustus


Posts: 40
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline 		I will do that. Thanks!

(in reply to Leatherist)
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RE: Coping with Change - 8/7/2008 1:09:13 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		What else is there really to say here?  Relationships change over time.  Sometimes, the partners drift away from each other becoming less and less compatible.  Sometimes, they drift closer to each other.  In my experience, that tends to happen as a result of the priorities of the couple.  My wife and I place the highest value on our relationship so most of the time, when we are faced with a choice of becoming less or more compatible, we choose "more".  That doesn't mean that our relationship hasn't gone through several RADICAL reincarnations over time (most recently, her transitioning from my wife to my slave). 

So now we find out what's really important to you and your wife, no?  But I somehow suspect you already knew all of that.

To your specific problem du-jour...  If this was my wife, I would first reduce or stop my level of control as needed since asserting control that isn't freely given would be one of the ways I'd define abusive.  That then buys some space to figure out what comes next.  For that, I like leatherists comments without the spin.  She got some ideas from another community.  I would encourage her to look at those ideas both in the community that they originated and as they relate to your specific relationship and think about whether the ideas are forwarding her own personal goals or not.  The answer to that question will determine "next steps".

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to DrFaustus)
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RE: Coping with Change - 8/7/2008 1:13:32 PM   
DrFaustus


Posts: 40
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline 		Thanks! I knew I came to the right place with this question!

(in reply to leadership527)
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RE: Coping with Change - 8/7/2008 2:24:15 PM   
IrishMist


Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

I miss the person she was, but very much appreciate who she is (or may become). How do others cope with these kind of changes (or do you cope with them)?

Communication
Communication
Communication
Acceptance of change
Communication
Tolerance to change
Accpetance of change
Communication
Communication

I think I see a pattern here

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.


(in reply to DrFaustus)
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RE: Coping with Change - 8/7/2008 4:25:03 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I'd also recommend that she just be a bit more choosy in picking the more enlightened lesbians or other bisexuals.

Depends on the change- I've been known to have a temper tantrum or two.  Just know that in poly relationships it's most important to preserve the stability of your relationship together.  The other relationships will sort themselves out in time.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to IrishMist)
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RE: Coping with Change - 8/7/2008 4:30:00 PM   
DrFaustus


Posts: 40
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline 		Circumstances have already shown me the truth in what you say.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Coping with Change - 8/7/2008 5:34:33 PM   
Quivver


Posts: 1953
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		I mean no offense to any single gender folks, but a friend of mine had a saying she used when building her client base. 
"To fly with Eagles you have to seperate yourself from the Crows" 
or, in other words .... your peers mold you as them. 




_____________________________

The problem with communication ... is the illusion that it has been accomplished. ~George Bernard Shaw

(in reply to DrFaustus)
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RE: Coping with Change - 8/7/2008 5:40:35 PM   
nwcutie102


Posts: 162
Joined: 1/13/2008
Status: offline 		i admire your willingness to get things back on track. this shows devotion which is a wonderful quality. communication, talk everyday.

(in reply to Quivver)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Coping with Change - 8/7/2008 6:38:10 PM   
Huntertn


Posts: 715
Joined: 10/7/2006
Status: offline 		Years past I knew some lesbians that hated men and really went after the bi's that had relationships with men.  Now , alot of them have moderated their views as life and age caught up with them.  Just remind your wife/slave of what you have has stood the test of time.  Then ask her to name the lesbian couples that have lasted even ten years[and I'm not saying there are none]and maybe she will realize the difference between her two relationships..and the main relationship was full of love and trust..while the others had possible some lust,alot of hate..possible self-hate even, and I have to say it..alot of full blown anger at the world to everyone"not into the rainbow affair"

(in reply to nwcutie102)
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RE: Coping with Change - 8/8/2008 7:09:57 AM   
persephonee


Posts: 5089
Joined: 12/15/2007
Status: offline 		~FR~
i came into this odd lil world from the lesbian community (15 years) and managed to lose all my lesbian friends once i told them that i was sexually involved with a man. i never lost a friend over the kink....not one....but one admission of hetero-sex and bam!! i lost my membership card...they came and reposessed the toaster oven i got when i was "recruited"...i stood before the Lesbian Tribunal and had to explain my actions, as my former friends unlaminated my membership card and then burned it. (didnt want to burn the plastic and hurt the environment...but my feelings were fair game). i marched with these women...had them to my house...it was definitely traumatic for me for about 10 minutes until i realized that my true friends didnt abandon me at all.

One thing that i know about small inbred communities is the politics will eat you alive and kill a relationship if you allow it. If your wife is unable or unwilling to keep herself emotionally turned toward you and your primary relationship while still creating new lesbian relationships, the newcomer and the community from which she comes, will see the crack in the foundation and work it until its big enough for her/them to wiggle in there. Human nature, not lesbian nature....just a common occurance.

i now know lesbians and bisexual women who are more in tune with what i feel and do in life...which is great. They are out there, you just have to look to find them.

i hope that you are still in a place where you can openly communicate with eachother and realign both of your priorities so that the focus is on the original, primary relationship and can ignore negative outside forces.



_____________________________

You be the Captain; i'll be no one.

And You can carry me away....if You want to. ~Kasey Chambers

E*Whore, extraordinaire....

Nothing is exactly as it seems~Nor, is it otherwise.

(in reply to Huntertn)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Coping with Change - 8/8/2008 8:12:55 AM   
Dnomyar


Posts: 7933
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline 		No comment other than to say this has been some good reading.

(in reply to persephonee)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Coping with Change - 8/8/2008 9:44:37 AM   
DrFaustus


Posts: 40
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline 		Thanks for the warning. We can communicate. It's just that some translating is having to happen now. It used to turn her on for me to tell her what to do. Now, I have to explain my needs in ways that cannot be interpreted as controlling. I can't be seen as the CONTROLLING MALE right now even though I have been one the last several years (though, of course, one who has been very sensitive to her needs). I now give advice as a friend but may seem more biased than a friend would be outside of the relationship. We've been doing some counseling both separately and as a couple. I've got mine "trained" to accept my BDSM worldview, but I doubt that my wife has explained much to hers in a positive way. The couples counselor seems open to everything so long as it's consensual.

Fortunately, sex is great. We have lots of kinky fun and I believe that has helped keep us together, despite how exotic having sex with women is being for my wife. She has twice let go of lovers that tried to pull her away from me. She's working on maintaining a friendship with her last lover, but even as a friend, her ex is smothering her. I know this won't last much longer. I've encouraged my wife to find new friends, based on common interests, by going to art classes, etc. In bed we fantasize about me finding lovers for her, but in the broad daylight of vanilla homelife, it is merely a fantasy.

Meanwhile, I keep my own shit together through my work, my music and lots of exercise. Having been a master, in a true sense, makes me still feel responsible for EVERYTHING even though I have let go of so much control. Controlling my own emotions while going through big changes is the biggest challenge.

(in reply to Dnomyar)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Coping with Change - 8/8/2008 5:33:56 PM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		Well, for all of the hassle, as a consolation prize you at least have my admiration for your poise and control under fire.
~Jeff

(in reply to DrFaustus)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Coping with Change - 8/8/2008 5:42:09 PM   
DrFaustus


Posts: 40
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline 		Thank you. That means a lot to me.

(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 18
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