Theory of Evolution (Full Version)

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Leonidas -> Theory of Evolution (7/29/2004 3:06:48 PM)

Over the years scholars have put forward various theories about why early man began to walk upright. What is known for sure is that walking upright lead to the development of more sophisiticated tools and dwellings, further leading to villiages, and ultimately cities, writing, art, music, the sciences, and civilization as we know it.

Since nobody really knows for sure why man began to walk upright, I would like to put forward my own theory that I like to call the "hey, nice ass" theory of evolution. As many of you may know, the glutes are the muscles primarily responsible for our upright stature. My theory, and I think it's a good one, is that the early humans who were born with slightly more shapely asses than their peers were able to walk upright just a little more. This was not only a trick that amazed and mystified their friends, it provided the perfect opportunity for them to show off their superior derriere. Any behavioral scientist will tell you that humans tend to notice difference. The upright walkers with the cute hineys were, naturally, in high demand when it came time to sneak off in the bushes for a little monkey-lovin'. Natural selection being what it is, the sweet-assed, upright walkers won out. This explains not only civliization as we know it today, but the behavior of construction workers who will stop what they are doing to enthusiastically admire a round-bottomed, upright walker when she passes.

So friends, I say to you, the next time you pick up that flogger, paddle, or cane, whack that pretty little hiney with a sense of reverence and respect. You may just be addressing yourself to the reason that we are what we are today.

Take care of yourselves.

Leonidas



dixiedumpling -> RE: Theory of Evolution (7/29/2004 3:25:44 PM)

While you're on the subject, why did man evolve into something that requires shoes and clothes and toilet paper? Wouldn't like be simpler if those things weren't required?



proudsub -> RE: Theory of Evolution (7/29/2004 3:29:20 PM)

Makes sense to me [:D].



January -> RE: Theory of Evolution (7/29/2004 3:48:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leonidas
As many of you may know, the glutes are the muscles primarily responsible for our upright stature. My theory, and I think it's a good one, is that the early humans who were born with slightly more shapely asses than their peers were able to walk upright just a little more.


1. You ever seen a horse's ass? Muscular and not upright.


quote:

The upright walkers with the cute hineys were, naturally, in high demand when it came time to sneak off in the bushes for a little monkey-lovin'. Natural selection being what it is, the sweet-assed, upright walkers won out.


2. Two out of three neanderthals think the "all fours" ass is more shapley and attractive (and inviting) than an upright ass.


3. Are you on vacation, Leonidas?


[:)][:)][:)][:)][:)] <--- dedicated to iwill.


January



Leonidas -> RE: Theory of Evolution (7/29/2004 4:16:33 PM)

1. I have, but I find that horses asses don't inspire me much. Just wierd that way, I guess.

2. Exactly. Which is why, you will notice, Neanderthals are extinct now.

3. Nah, I'd be out sailing or something else outdoors if I were on vacation. Just sitting here writing for a client, bored outta my gourd.

Hmmm.... well, there goes my other theory, that I was bumming everyone out by being too heavy around here. Aw well, back to the serious stuff.

Take care of yourself

Leonidas



iwillserveu -> RE: Theory of Evolution (7/29/2004 6:38:05 PM)

Mmmm....Horses....Mmmm[&:]

Seriously, if serious is to be used, I though our ancestors evolved upright stance to better see the tiger hiding in the tall grass when you could still run to the nearest tree. See him up close and it is too late. I also read how many human attributes fit moving to an aquatic nature (like manatees, but we stopped and came back ashore after developing as fat, waddling, upright, hairless apes.)

Oh dixiedumpling,

We don't require those things, they are just nice. You can live naked, shoeless, and using your left hand to wipe and your right hand to eat.



kiki blue -> RE: Theory of Evolution (7/29/2004 7:25:02 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: dixiedumpling

While you're on the subject, why did man evolve into something that requires shoes and clothes and toilet paper? Wouldn't like be simpler if those things weren't required?


I'm quite fond of toilet paper, actually. I don't really like to think of life without it:)


But my big arse is one reason I say people like to play with me (other than that I don't like pain and they do) - I've got more room to play on than a size 8 girl :)



Estring -> RE: Theory of Evolution (7/29/2004 10:42:51 PM)

quote:

While you're on the subject, why did man evolve into something that requires shoes and clothes and toilet paper? Wouldn't like be simpler if those things weren't required



It would definitely be messier. [:D]



dixiedumpling -> RE: Theory of Evolution (7/30/2004 12:00:55 AM)

I don't know.. how about dogs, cats and other animals? Although... I have seen a woman wipe her dog's butt with a bit of trash paper from off the ground. And then there's that very funny Lewis Grizzard story about being at the palace of St. Petersberg and no t paper in the restrooms. About how he scouted the court yard looking for ice cream wrappings.



LadyAngelika -> RE: Theory of Evolution (7/30/2004 10:20:39 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Leonidas
This was not only a trick that amazed and mystified their friends, it provided the perfect opportunity for them to show off their superior derriere. Any behavioral scientist will tell you that humans tend to notice difference. The upright walkers with the cute hineys were, naturally, in high demand when it came time to sneak off in the bushes for a little monkey-lovin'. Natural selection being what it is, the sweet-assed, upright walkers won out. This explains not only civliization as we know it today, but the behavior of construction workers who will stop what they are doing to enthusiastically admire a round-bottomed, upright walker when she passes.


And if they were really smart, they would put on chaps like topcat's *drool

Other then that, I prefer seeing cute hineys as one bends over.

- LA



LadyAngelika -> RE: Theory of Evolution (7/30/2004 10:24:12 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: kiki blue
But my big arse is one reason I say people like to play with me (other than that I don't like pain and they do) - I've got more room to play on than a size 8 girl :)


Yes, Cameron Diaz shaking her scroney ass to Baby Got Back in her first Charlie's Angels' film did nothing for me.

"Fat bottomed girls, you make the rockin' world go round" - Freddie Mercury

- LA



Sinergy -> RE: Theory of Evolution (7/30/2004 12:03:08 PM)

quote:

2. Exactly. Which is why, you will notice, Neanderthals are extinct now.


Personally, I work with many people exhibiting all signs of being Neanderthal down on the docks so I take exception to this comment.

For example, their language is rudimentary, consisting of three phonemes only, Eff, Uh, and Ck, which are combined into a single morpheme which is used for all forms of speech, as an interrogatory, descriptor, etc.

They make strange grunting noises when forced to manipulate primitive tools and pull large iron bars from huge turnbuckles.

When not grunting or expressing their morpheme, they generally hunker down alone or in small groups and occaisionally one can see a fleeting thought cross their mind. I can only hope this thought will eventually lead to the development of the printing press so it can be shared with others, but this is a long way away. More so because they will need more phonemes to say the words "printing press."

They dress in very rudimentary attire, fashioned primarily of material of unknown origin that is, for some unexplained reason, day-glo orange with small scraps of reflecting cloth attached. I can only assume these reflecting adornments have some weird meaning that only they understand. This attire is washed at least once a year whether it needs it or not, and is generally slathered with strange designs in some odd grease of unknown origin. I have been unable at this point to decipher the meaning, but I am hopeful I shall be able to do so at some point.

Their primary activity during a day of high paying longshore work involves standing around and staring at objects, such as cranes, which are incomprehensible to their tiny minds, and making obscure hand gestures to each other. I have studied this for a long time, and apparently when they make a cutting motion accross their neck, that means it is time to depart and go hunt and gather elsewhere. When they wiggle their fingers in front of their mouth, that means it is time to forage for food at the vending machines. And when one of the strange clipboard carrying individuals expresses their morpheme, the general response is to hold one's thumb in a vertical position. When one puts both hands together and moves the outer sides down (as if breaking a twig) this apparently means that one can cease and desist from standing in the place designated by those carrying the clipboards, and relocating to a different location to commence standing for a short period of time.

I am not sure what it all means, but I hope that by continuing my study I will be able to empirically prove the existence of Neanderthal man. I have applied for several research grants, but have not heard back at this time.

Sinergy



newflowers -> RE: Theory of Evolution (7/30/2004 2:18:57 PM)

Sinergy -

I look forward to reading the continuation of your anthropological observations. Good luck on getting the grants. When you decide to publish, please let me know, I am an excellent editor/proofreader. Perhaps we can work a deal. [:D]

newflowers



anthrosub -> RE: Theory of Evolution (7/30/2004 3:24:58 PM)

i'm going to give an answer to the original question since my field of study was cultural anthropology and i've always held a fascination for the development of human beings. The current theory on why humans developed into walking upright is the environment they were living in at the time. Africa was originally covered with rain forests over most of the continent, but as the Atlantic Ocean widened, this changed its climate and eventually led to the huge savannah regions seen today. It's believed that certain primates (our earliest ancestors) began to acclimate to this environment, relying on standing upright so they could be alert to danger by looking over the tall grass or search for other areas to move onto next in their foraging activities.

Over time, they developed this bipedal stance and evolved into walking on two legs exclusively. This also freed the hands to do other things and eventually, the use of stones as tools was discovered. They probably used sticks at first but stones would prove more durable. Probably a chipped stone was recognized as being more effective and along the way...how to break or chip stones was developed to keep them in supply of a sharp edge.

Learning to chip a stone is credited with sparking or at least contributing to develpment of the reasoning process because stone tool making must be done in a certain order and teaching another how to do it would require a logical understanding of how to communicate the art. Perhaps this even stimulated the development of language. There's an excellent book out that explores the "chicken or egg" theory of cultural evolution titled, "The Axemaker's Gift" by James Burke. It explores how we have developed technologies over time and these same technologies have in turn helped to shape our evolution.

It's really a fascinating read for anyone who likes to explore what it is that we are.

anthrosub



Leonidas -> RE: Theory of Evolution (7/30/2004 3:45:27 PM)

In case anyone was unsure, this was supposed to be humorous, not a serious attempt at a theory of evolution. But, since nobody really knows for sure why we started walking upright, I like my theory better than the "lookin' over the grass" theory. It's just plain more fun. Come to think of it, since we appear to be the only primates that have sex for pleasure, maybe it is more plausible that the driver of our evolution was sexual, rather than purely practical.

Take care of yourselves

Leonidas



Estring -> RE: Theory of Evolution (7/30/2004 4:00:23 PM)

I think we started walking upright because God put the remote too high to reach. [:D]



Leonidas -> RE: Theory of Evolution (7/30/2004 4:07:33 PM)

Yep. And beer in cans that require both hands to open.



anthrosub -> RE: Theory of Evolution (7/30/2004 6:54:10 PM)

Sorry about that, i've read several of Leonidas' threads and they generally go into great detail about whatever the topic may be. i thought that was where he was going with this one and it took a humorous turn instead. No biggie.

anthrosub



iwillserveu -> RE: Theory of Evolution (7/31/2004 4:47:35 AM)

quote:

2. Exactly. Which is why, you will notice, Neanderthals are extinct now.


Apparently this is a quote of Angelika in Sinergy's post. I've read of a competing theory that they mated with us and are not realy extinct. (And Sinergy's post was not farfetched![:)])

Of course I read it via a SF novel so the usual blocks of salt may apply.



panthersclaw -> RE: Theory of Evolution (7/31/2004 8:19:40 AM)

LOL ... I like your theory. In some strange, twisted way it makes since. Now ... I have a question for you: what do you think about the common belief that different groups of humans have particular attractions to different shapes of rear-ends? For instance, those in Asia like smaller hiny's, while those of African descent like larger ones. Am I incorrect with this assumption?



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