How to start out? (Full Version)

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wickedgame916 -> How to start out? (8/20/2008 8:10:46 PM)

I'm very new to all of this. I have a husband who says I would make a great domina, and one of his greatest and most frequent fantasies is to have me totally dominate him. But where to start? Any advice?



Pyrrsefanie -> RE: How to start out? (8/20/2008 8:22:57 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: wickedgame916

I'm very new to all of this. I have a husband who says I would make a great domina, and one of his greatest and most frequent fantasies is to have me totally dominate him. But where to start? Any advice?


Rule number one: it should never be about *his* fantasy if you really want to truly dominate him.  You've told us only how he feels about it -- how do you feel about it?  If he had never brought it up, would you want to dominate him anyway?  Or are you only doing this to please him?

If it's the latter, you're letting him top you from the bottom.

Edited to add:  I always recommend The Good Girl's Guide to Domination as found on Akasha's Web.  It's a fantastic guide for those who are just getting started and really does something to dispel the myths surrounding female dominants.  It may be useful to have your husband read it with you in some parts so that both of you can come to an understanding about what exactly you're getting into, sans the cheesy porno-type latex catsuits and "lick my boots, WORM!" dialogue.  Plus the stories are great for nasty inspiration... heehee...



dreamerdreaming -> RE: How to start out? (8/20/2008 11:14:02 PM)

Do YOU really want to do this?
 
    If you're doing it just to please him, then both of you should recognize that he's the dominant. That's fine if you both like it that way, but if he truly wants to be dominated then efforts to meet his needs/desires in this manner can potentially be a very empty, hollow dynamic you are setting up for yourselves wherein he will always want more, and you will always wonder why the real you isn't good enough; why you have to try to be something you're not, to please him.

And yes, I do speak from experience so please heed my warning.

If as you appear to be saying, its his dream not yours, then why wasn't he open about this with you before you got married? When someone who identifies as dominant or submissive marries a vanilla person (read: someone who is not kinky or does not identify as D/s) without prior, frank discussions about their D/s orientation, dreams, needs, desires etc. and then wants the vanilla spouse to become the dominant or submissive lover of their dreams, that's a classic bait- and- switch in my opinion. You are under no obligation to go along with this, and its not fair to you if he wasn't open with you about this vital information from the very beginning so that you could make an informed decision about whether this is what you want in your marriage.




HeavansKeeper -> RE: How to start out? (8/21/2008 12:17:59 AM)

Whether you want this for you or for him only determines how much you'll enjoy it. (And subsequently how often it occurs). It's like giving a blowjob - many wives do it because he "earned it" or "I owe him". If you decide you don't much like it, but do it for him, thats ok too.

Start off easy. Giving commands, making demands, basically use him. Don't ask, tell. This may be uncomfortable at first, but gets easier, usually. (Again, you may or may not be into this. If you're completely uncomfortable, just don't. Compromise some other way).

So you're making demands. Silly things. Kiss that, lick that, stand here, lift this, wear that, bite this, bring me that, etc. Eventually it blossoms. If you want to give dominance a serious attempt, stick through the period where you feel guilty about making demands (as opposed to requests). He wants it.



MsAlaria -> RE: How to start out? (8/21/2008 5:49:16 PM)

Start with looking at yourself.  Do you want to Dominate him?  If your answer is yes, then start by talking about it.  Are there things you've thought about doing but didn't have the nerve, like bondage or playing with wax?  Maybe go through one of the excellent BDSM checklists and figure out what you'd like to explore together, then gain some knowledge about how to do them. 

Elisa Sutton (sp) has some excellent articles on wives dominating their husbands. 



TNstepsout -> RE: How to start out? (8/21/2008 8:54:50 PM)

Yes as others have said, the FIRST thing to do is to figure out if you really want to do this. The SECOND thing to do is for him to figure out if he REALLY wants you to do this. Sometimes the Domina you become and the Domina he fantasizes about having are two very different things. You'll need to do a lot of talking to find out what he really has in mind and if you're interested. Does he really want a full time Domme? Does he want to pamper and spoil you and make you his Queen? or does he just want you to wield the whip to fulfill his fantasies? or something in between? Either way, both of you need to be very clear about what you want, so that going forward you are on the same page. Nothing is worse than having two people with completely different visions in their heads trying to make this work. 



undergroundsea -> RE: How to start out? (8/21/2008 9:42:45 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: wickedgame916


You could get some toys for fire play and make him think you are going to set his balls on fire. Because then he will think to himself that his world is on fire and no one can save him but you.*

Cheers,

Sea

* Chris Isaak reference: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/chrisisaak/wickedgame.html



MaamJay -> RE: How to start out? (8/22/2008 1:47:12 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TNstepsout

Yes as others have said, the FIRST thing to do is to figure out if you really want to do this. The SECOND thing to do is for him to figure out if he REALLY wants you to do this. Sometimes the Domina you become and the Domina he fantasizes about having are two very different things. You'll need to do a lot of talking to find out what he really has in mind and if you're interested. Does he really want a full time Domme? Does he want to pamper and spoil you and make you his Queen? or does he just want you to wield the whip to fulfill his fantasies? or something in between? Either way, both of you need to be very clear about what you want, so that going forward you are on the same page. Nothing is worse than having two people with completely different visions in their heads trying to make this work. 


Brilliant advice! [sm=applause.gif]

Maam Jay aka violet[A]



willsubuk25 -> RE: How to start out? (8/22/2008 5:34:25 AM)

hey room



AcademyForSlaves -> RE: How to start out? (8/22/2008 11:03:24 PM)

Hi.

Rule #1-Never let the slave top from the bottom. The Mistress commands, the slave obeys. Period.

GoddessClub.com has lots of great free info for dominant women-http://www.goddessclub.com/home.html

Hope this helps.



ElanSubdued -> RE: How to start out? (8/26/2008 6:03:48 PM)

wickedgame916,

Your question motivated me to post my own thread.  I hope what I've posted helps you in some way.  You can find my thoughts here:

Advice for New Dommes
http://www.collarchat.com/m_2094679/tm.htm

Elan.



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