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Rediscovering my inner self - 8/21/2008 5:24:17 AM   
DanteVasquez


Posts: 5
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline 		Where to start.

It has been about five years since I even seriously used the dominant side of myself. I got lucky, I was born strongminded, strongwilled, and have a natural dominance that precedes me. I don't exactly know what I do, but I do it, and it works something fierce. I'm still young at 24 and don't exactly know how to control what I am, and I was looking for advice on where to begin. I've had a few online submissives in the past and I had no clue what to do with them other than everything I wanted. I really want to learn how to control that part of me and any advice would be helpful.

I apologize for speaking in circles but when it's fresh that's how it comes out.

-Dante
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Rediscovering my inner self - 8/21/2008 6:31:34 AM   
Allondra


Posts: 68
Joined: 7/12/2008
Status: offline 		What are you hoping to accomplish by "controlling" yourself?  It's not clear to me what you're actually asking.

(in reply to DanteVasquez)
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RE: Rediscovering my inner self - 8/21/2008 6:39:26 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		Well, OP... break the problem down.  There are only (I presume) two people in the relationship.  So that gives you your needs, her needs, your wants and her wants to play with.  Make a list... check it twice.... make sure everyone's being naughty, not nice, and you're all set.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Allondra)
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RE: Rediscovering my inner self - 8/21/2008 6:45:28 AM   
DanteVasquez


Posts: 5
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline 		ok, the problem isn't in my current relationship.

We have both agreed to have another female partner involved with the two of us as a D/s/s adventure. I've only been able to bring out the Dominant side of me in the correct setting. Sadly, i'm clutsy, not very eloquent, and have a hard time controlling myself unless I'm mentally prepared for something. I trip over most everything that I say almost all the time.

I feel like there are two images of myself that i'm trying to force together to create and be a single entity.

there I go talking in circles again...

(in reply to DanteVasquez)
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RE: Rediscovering my inner self - 8/21/2008 7:03:19 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		How interesting... Your writing style here is hardly "not very eloquent".  Might this be something as simple as "nerves".  Perhaps just going very slowly with whatever new submissive you find and allowing LOTS of time for things to develop (a generally good strategy in my mind anyway) would solve the problem?  You are who you are... there are not two of you.  Try to figure out who the situations are different which will help you to understand why you're responding to them differently and see what comes up in your head then.  Not that I want to play the "age card", but people do tend to rush at your age... possibly just taking a deep breath and slowing down solves this? 

(in reply to DanteVasquez)
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RE: Rediscovering my inner self - 8/21/2008 7:35:11 AM   
DanteVasquez


Posts: 5
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline 		Perhaps it is me rushing myself into things. If only life were easily typed in words, then I wouldn't have a problem saying or doing anything. I don't know how to break the shyness barrier I developed in my youth. I see things play out in my mind exactly how I want them to, but when I take the first step to act upon them I trip and end up putting my foot in my mouth. I need to find some way to become more confident in who I am and what I want. I know that is the first step. Yet, after that I'm aloof in wonderland.

-Dante

(in reply to leadership527)
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RE: Rediscovering my inner self - 8/21/2008 8:22:09 AM   
Allondra


Posts: 68
Joined: 7/12/2008
Status: offline 		Since you are comfortable with words, why don't you try writing out your scene beforehand, and reading it over a few times while you're in a pressure-free setting -- become thoroughly rehearsed before you try it in real life.  The more successes you have, the more confident you'll be.  Try some relaxation techniques before a scene, perhaps, as well.

Be assured that most of us started out unsure of ourselves, and often still are that way.  It takes time and experience to be a confident top.

(in reply to DanteVasquez)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Rediscovering my inner self - 8/21/2008 8:31:35 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Begin to develope yourself in other areas of your life that gives you more confidence, a more balanced centre.

If you are into physcially active things, perhaps some sort of martial arts, yoga, etc.

For myself, alot of studying to gain more self awareness, confidence, etc. I've been studying various religiouns and cultures spiritual beliefs for several years. Everything from a history of eastern religiouns to Carlos Castenda, to Edgar Cayce, to reading most of Shirley MacLain's books. I didn't feel I needed to agree with any of them, I just wanted to look at the world from a point of view I'd never seen before.

I also have spent ALOT of time talking to submissives and slaves that have been doing all of this alot longer than I. I ask questions, and really listen. I wanted to understand what they felt, why they felt it and how that meshed with the other side of the BDSM M/s coin.

The upside of all of this has been a slow maturation of my own core belief system and a calm more centred me. 


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to DanteVasquez)
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RE: Rediscovering my inner self - 8/21/2008 8:51:07 AM   
DanteVasquez


Posts: 5
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline 		you're all being really helpful. And I appreciate it a lot. The advice I'm getting is fantastic.

-Dante

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Rediscovering my inner self - 8/21/2008 8:55:47 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		We've all been young and unsure of ourselves at some point in life.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to DanteVasquez)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Rediscovering my inner self - 8/21/2008 9:06:06 AM   
RedMagic1


Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline 		Confidence is not magic.  It is a material force.  If you handle a situation well 100 times, when it comes around for the 101st time, you will be confident in your ability to handle it.

The only solution is to gain practice and experience.  This requires the willingness to forge ahead, knowing that some of the time you will screw up -- and, when you screw up, some of the time you will screw up royally.  Accept ahead of time that will happen on occasion, and, when it does, make sure you learn as much from the mistake as humanly possible.

Relying on theory and online will not cut it here.  You need to hold a submissive body and mind beneath you enough times until you know with stone-cold certainty that you are up to the task.


_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to LaTigresse)
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RE: Rediscovering my inner self - 8/21/2008 5:20:30 PM   
MsAlaria


Posts: 31
Joined: 12/15/2007
From: Richmond, VA
Status: offline
quote:

We have both agreed to have another female partner involved with the two of us as a D/s/s adventure.

First off, if I weren't comfortable dominating my current partner, I would definitely not bring in another. 

quote:

have a hard time controlling myself

I'm still not sure what it is you're trying to "control". 

Many of us are very shy and nervous starting out.  Cold feet when trying something new and being shy doesn't help that when you know what you want to say but the words won't be coerced past your lips no matter how hard you try. 

You can try some local classes on technique that might help inspire some confidence. Read about the various toys or activities and familiarize yourself with them. 

Good luck!  And remember to relax and have fun.  Maybe  you're just pushing yourself too hard.


(in reply to DanteVasquez)
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RE: Rediscovering my inner self - 8/21/2008 5:55:49 PM   
mstrj69


Posts: 295
Joined: 5/27/2004
Status: offline 		I have to agree with several points here.  First off, write down what you want to do, read it several times and then set it aside to come back to the next day.  Only then will you be able to see where you could make mistakes.  Follow your script as you have written it.  Maybe make a copy for your s so everyone will know what is to happen.
 
Most importantly realize you do not have to put ptessure on yourself and if you do make a minor mistake, so what, the s is not going to know if it is a mistake or a deviation from the written plan because you think it is better to go that way.  Note I said minor mistake, if it is something really major like you burn the s when it was just to be something warm applied to the body they will know it was mistake.

(in reply to MsAlaria)
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RE: Rediscovering my inner self - 8/21/2008 6:26:16 PM   
Huntertn


Posts: 715
Joined: 10/7/2006
Status: offline 		Relax ! As long as your happy I bet you'll find they'll be happy too.  And you do better too.

(in reply to mstrj69)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Rediscovering my inner self - 8/22/2008 12:27:08 PM   
antipode


Posts: 1787
Joined: 4/19/2004
Status: offline 		Online submissives? Well, uh, maybe "get real"?

(in reply to DanteVasquez)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Rediscovering my inner self - 8/23/2008 3:17:29 AM   
WhiplashSmile2


Posts: 526
Joined: 6/11/2008
Status: offline 		It takes time to build up your own self confidence in different areas.   The trick is confronting your own fears or issues and being able to work past them.   There is so much posted about submissives having to work past fears and issues.  Yet, the fact remains that even us Dominants have to go through a similar process at times.

Trust me, feeling like you are risk of tripping your own two feet can occur at any moment.  Even if you have years of experience under your belt you may be faced with challenging moments.

Generally, these can happen in the getting to know somebody else stages.  The whole crossing the line into making things more D/s based.   It can go really easy, or you might find somebody who are really into 100% that might make you feel a little awkward and two left footed at the time.

This really is not a Dominant issues as it is a natural human issue.  It's perfectly natural and normal to be feeling the way that you are.   Try not to let it get the best of you, and work past it. 

Learn to find those things that actually trigger and help your Dominant side mature and develop more.

It will be a bit like hitting a certain zone, and you will know it when it happens.  You actually feel really comfortable in it when it happens.   Just bask in it and enjoy when those moment occur.   They should happen more and more as you do this.

You probally have some social conditioning to work past as well.  Such as it's bad for boys to hit girls and do mean things to them.   Other things to work past as well.  It's only natural.

Good luck and best of wishes for you.

(in reply to DanteVasquez)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Rediscovering my inner self - 8/26/2008 3:21:33 AM   
DanteVasquez


Posts: 5
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline 		Again, everyone, thank you for the advice... I understand what I need to work on now ^.^

-Dante

(in reply to WhiplashSmile2)
Profile   Post #: 17
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