Lost in the dark and need help....

Lost in the dark and need help.... (Full Version)

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gowildsafely -> Lost in the dark and need help.... (8/24/2008 3:35:23 PM)
I am very new to this lifestyle, and trying to settle things in my mind... so, here's my question to all you on this site... When discussing things with a potential Dom, can you please tell me, or provide examples of things to ask them? I feel lost... THanks!

BRNaughtyAngel -> RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... (8/24/2008 3:47:24 PM)
Consider it no different than getting to know a guy who isn't a dominant. It is afterall, a relationship. Talk to each other about your lives, your interests, etc....... not just BDSM related stuff. You really should take the stuff out of your profile about being new and inexperienced because the sharks will jump on it and you won't know which way is up. Focus on your basic interests in life, hobbies, etc.... And LuckyAlbatross will likely be along to tell you this, but I'm gonna try and beat her to the punch [;)].... don't make a committment to someone right away. It's easy to get caught up in the warm fuzzies, and hot steamies when you're suddenly presented with a guy who ~seems~ to know what buttons to push. Take your time and don't get pressured into doing something you're not ready for. And check to see if there's a local BDSM group in your area. You can meet folks that way too. Good luck!

gowildsafely -> RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... (8/24/2008 3:58:18 PM)
Thank you :)

Jeffff -> RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... (8/24/2008 4:05:23 PM)
You are 30 years old. If you use the same common sense that allowed you to live this long, you will be ok. Be who you are and follow your instincts Jeff

Quivver -> RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... (8/24/2008 4:21:54 PM)
All depends on what your looking for. If all you want is sensation, then ask questions that reflect that. If your in search of a long term relationship, then think of practical things first, then the kink.

Jeffff -> RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... (8/24/2008 4:36:38 PM)
I agree, it kink comes after milk, eggs and cheese..:) Jeff

gowildsafely -> RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... (8/24/2008 5:20:33 PM)
Well, I wasn't trying to play the "dumb" card or anything. I realize I need to use my common sense, but I've also learned that there are different beliefs, and styles and so I was hoping for some guidance.

RedMagic1 -> RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... (8/24/2008 5:31:37 PM)
Plenty of people act really dumb when it comes to this stuff though, even if they are supposedly smart. Just pretend hawtt kinky sex isn't part of the deal, and ask yourself what you would do in that situation. 99% of the time that's what you should be doing. People are still people.

peppermint -> RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... (8/24/2008 5:47:27 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: gowildsafely When discussing things with a potential Dom, can you please tell me, or provide examples of things to ask them? What questions you ask depend on what type of relationship you are both seeking. If you are looking for a play partner then you should discuss limits, whether there will be a safeword, preferred types of play. If you are looking for a LTR then you need to ask about his family, hobbies, work, types of movies enjoyed...all the things you'd want to know about a vanilla partner...with the kinkier stuff being asked if you are a match in the every day type way.

lizcgirl -> RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... (8/24/2008 5:48:57 PM)
If you start to get to know a Dom and there's interest there after you both get to know of each other in a general, every day sense, then discuss limits. Some people have what they call 'no limits' and might want more from you in a kink sense than you are ready, willing, or even interested in giving. Talk about what you enjoy, what you're looking for. It is like any other relationship like others have said already but if you're looking for a match in a setting like CM then there are other aspects that will most likely get brought up in the conversations. I don't think I ever met a guy in a vanilla setting who started off a conversation listing what kind of things they liked sexually or what they expected from me, but I have had plenty of Doms do that! Decide what it is that you want as far as poly household, strictly play, a relationship, what kind of relationship, etc etc, then just talk to the Dom about it. Most will tell you 'yes, I want that too' or 'not what I'm looking for'. I'm sure you wouldn't want to get to know a Dom, arrange to meet, only to find out that He expected you to submit on the first meeting and service Him and join His family of girls when you were looking for a one-on-one relationship with no immediate play.

marieToo -> RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... (8/24/2008 6:04:00 PM)
I always get to know a Dominant the same way I do anyone else---Just through conversation. In doing so, I find that most of the things I want to know about the person come out pretty easily, and I can see if we have the same ideas about Ds. There's only one question to which the answer can be an immediate dealbreaker for me, so I get that out on the table right away; I ask if he considers himself a sadist. If he says No, then I'm gone. But that's because it's important to me to be with a sadistic Dominant. If you have certain base criteria that you are looking for, that would be a good place to start with some questions.

everhope -> RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... (8/24/2008 6:28:47 PM)
figure out what you want. be honest with yourself. be honest with others. getting out in your BDSM community is a real eye opener, at least you will be face to face. it is difficult in the beginning to know what style of dominance that you will respond to, but you should know if a poly Dominant would be a good fit for you. may we all find our bliss.

maat -> RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... (8/25/2008 12:35:22 PM)
First of all figur out as much about yourself, your likes, dislikes so you know were your coming from. Get to know the person, talk about everything. Like others have said, not just about the kink or BBSM. Talk about limits, points of views on different things. Do you have deal breakers? Things that you absolutly cant or whont stand for, then ask about those things. Talk about expectations, whants, needs, desiers, fantasys, long term plans. Life plans. work, art. Well, you get the pictur. Get to know yourself first, then the person that your interested in. If your going to trust him with yourself then make shure its someone that can handel that trust.

thishereboi -> RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... (8/25/2008 3:05:02 PM)
Ask him the things you want answers about. What do you want to know?

Sandyshores29718 -> RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... (8/25/2008 3:31:08 PM)
fast reply Ask the Dom anything you want to know. If there are some really important things you feel you need to know, then ask. Treat it as the same as any person you would be entering a relationship with. Only thing now is this person you might be trusting your life with in the future.

DarkSteven -> RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... (8/25/2008 8:15:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: gowildsafely I've also learned that there are different beliefs, and styles and so I was hoping for some guidance. Ask him for his take on things that you know about, vanilla things. Does he know about them? If not, does he fake it, tell you what little he knows, or ask you what you think? Does he seem interested in a connection or focus only on play? Does he describe a wide variety of exotic play toys?

sistermargaret -> RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... (8/25/2008 9:56:08 PM)
Natually, i don't know exactly what you want, but here's what i ask them. What form of BDSM are you into? Old Guard? Old School? New School? Gorian? Goth? Leather? Are you bi? Are you a sadist or a sensualist? Are you into D/s or M/s or just kinky sex? Do you prefer bedroom bondage or mummification? What are your fetishes? What are your turn-offs? What are your turn-ons? What toys do you always carry? What is your favorite toy? Do you prefer public play in formal dungeons or private play with a few friends or to just meet at a motel? Would you mind if we used velcro cuffs? Do you have your own dungeon? Are you married? What does your spouse think of this? Do you practice safe sex? What health problems do you have? How big is your ... well, never mind that one ;) The rest of the info i need generally flows from these questions. You see, i could never do a pure Gorian Lifestyle, so that would be an automatic no for me. Hope this helps. Best of luck to you. sm

sunshinemiss -> RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... (8/26/2008 4:35:18 PM)
From your profile, it looks like you don't know what you want. What a great place to be! But be careful. Sub frenzy can be strong and powerful (where you just want to have a Dom TAKE you)... That's why the warning about not getting involved too quickly. Spend some time getting to know a lot of people - including women. Meet face to face at group functions. And always ask yourself - what is that person's motivation? What does that person want from me? It will show you a lot. Welcome, fasten your safety belt, and enjoy the ride, sunshine

CelticPrince -> RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... (8/28/2008 11:04:30 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: gowildsafely I am very new to this lifestyle, and trying to settle things in my mind... so, here's my question to all you on this site... When discussing things with a potential Dom, can you please tell me, or provide examples of things to ask them? I feel lost... THanks! gowoild, asimple but complete answer to the question "what do they expect from thier submissive. CP

RealSub58 -> RE: Lost in the dark and need help.... (8/30/2008 2:01:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: gowildsafely but I've also learned that there are different beliefs, and styles and so I was hoping for some guidance. Don't just adopt another persons beliefs and styles, find your own. Find several different subs, on CM if you wish, who are willing to share with you, and pick there brains part. Read some of the great books mentioned on other threads. Know yourself, develope yourself. I know many subs go to doms for mentoring, but I also believe subs can and will mentor subs if willing.

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