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Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 1:24:00 AM

ThistleDown

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At one point a while back I read somewhere here on collarme, about a sub's need to be "reminded" of her submission. Not that she was being bad or out of line or any such thing, but that she wasn't feeling as submissive and wanted/needed her dom to help her feel her submission.

A question popped into my head tonight that I thought I'd throw out there.

How do you (dommly types) help your sub be or feel submissive without making him/her feel like you're taking the power away (as opposed to a consensual exchange)?

For subs out there that have been in need or want of some help with this, how did your dom help you feel submissive without making you feel like your power was being taken away?

Even if you've never found yourself in such a situation but you have something to say about it, feel free to reply. All comments are welcome.

If I haven't been very clear please let me know and I'll do my best to explain better. Thanks!
~puppy

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RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 1:59:16 AM

GreedyTop

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~OT~

I love Watership Down....

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RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 2:11:28 AM

softness

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I used to get told a lot "From time to time I will have to remind you of your place, remind you you're a slave". I kind of always dreaded that because I *always* knew that ... its not something I forgot, like .. well ... I never forgot I was female, and to me my submissivesnes is as much a part of me as my gender, or my ethnicity .... if my day to day life as Owned meat wasn't enough to keep my submissivesness present then WTF would have to happen to remind me of it.

Am coming to see that such statements were horseshit .. and in actual fact it would be more like .... "From time to time I am going to have to do something to remind you I am the Boss around here .... and that I am bigger, meaner and scarier"

there is a big difference in needing to be reminded that you are submissive .. and he is the Boss ... its amazing how easily they get confused

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RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 2:20:45 AM

colouredin

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I agree with that Softness but I do remember when i was first sort of discovering this element of myself i constantly questioned my motives and whatever and felt i needed to be reminded or not reminded but have it reinforced, now not so much

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RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 2:27:14 AM

masterforRT

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I think my explanation of this would be that people have 'streaks'. A submissive can have a Dominant streak, just as a Dom can have a submissive streak. Sometimes the streak comes out and we simply want to try something different.

Other times we revert back to whet we truly are.

This explains a few things-and it also explains why I don't believe in the concept of switches. Before I get soundly thrashed by all the people out here who believe that switches exist, think about it.....

When you first wake up in the morning, what do you think of first most of the time-Dominating or submitting. THAT defines what you are better then any phrase can.

(in reply to colouredin)

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RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 2:29:06 AM

Tetron

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First off reminding a submissive they are submissive is perhaps the wrong way to approach this, I dont think a submissive needs reminding of the fact they are submissive though I have found it helpful to point out and enhance the feeling of submission from acts the submissive performs. This is particurally important for those who are new to the lifestyle in general or who have just recently joined you as a submissive or slave. The best reinforcement I have found is verbal recitation of their actions either on the part of the dominant or the submissive. This applies espeically to non sexual acts if the submissive or slave is involved in those things. For instance if you have your slave cleaning your apartment occasionally walking up behind them, or saying to them something along the lines of "think about how you are serving me with your every action, even something as simple as this cleaning is another way you can serve and please me". This lets the submissive or slave know you appreciate their effort and helps put their mind into the mindset not of I am cleaning because I was told to do so, but I am submitting to my master, I find those slaves or subs in the second mindset are far happier then those in the first.

(in reply to colouredin)

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RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 2:30:59 AM

colouredin

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oh i would find that so annoying and fake, i dont think i would need to be reminded verbally that what i was doing was for them when i was cleaning or whatever, that would make me feel slightly patronised (and not in a good way) far better using non verbal communication, pat on the head, small smile or slight nod.

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RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 2:41:29 AM

Tetron

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It does need to be tailored to the submissive in question, some need the verbal, some the non verbal, some perform best without any encouragement at all. I find that the longer a submisssive has been in the lifestyle the further down that list they progress. You possibly have gotten to the point in the lifestyle where you are sure of yourself, or possibly even entered the lifestyle that way, many submissives in my experiance do not though, and need more concrete reasureance and direction.

(in reply to colouredin)

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RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 2:52:05 AM

colouredin

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everyone needs encouragement or an ego boost every now and again just because its nice not because their sense of self would crumble without it, if thats the case then there are clearly issues with deeper roots that need addressing

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I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

(in reply to Tetron)

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RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 3:07:43 AM

DarkSteven

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I touch her. Pat her, pinch her, stroke her, whatever. Not as part of play or sex, but just in a vanilla situation.

I also ask her to do something, and thank her after she does it.

Am I misunderstanding the question?

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RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 3:44:30 AM

RCdc

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The moment I had to be reminded I am submissive to Darcy is the moment the relationship would be over?
You are either submissive to someone or you are not. As softness said, it's like the thought that I would have to be reminded I am a woman - or a mother - it's not something you just forget or alter moment to moment.

the.dark.

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RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 4:02:18 AM

LaTigresse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: masterforRT

When you first wake up in the morning, what do you think of first most of the time-Dominating or submitting. THAT defines what you are better then any phrase can.

Neither.

The first thing I think is "Damn! It's time to get up." Followed by, "Okay fix dogs breakfast, take dogs outside to pee, turn on computer to check the weather forcast, make coffee, feed or move horses, shower........."

Nothing dominant or submissive about ANY of those thoughts.

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 4:09:00 AM

lusciouslips19

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I think perhaps with a switch the dynamic is different. Perhaps they do wake up one day wanting to move in to thier Dominant side and another day their submissive side. This of course would only work with another switch who is also fluid. Of course , if they are submissive in one relationship, it is because that person brings out their submission and they have agreed to it. No need to be reminded.

I dont have to be reminded of my submission. Though their are times when I push against. Letting my feelings be known about a subject. But being the submissive, I do have to relent to the authority whether I agree or not. If I didnt, I am no longer able to call myself submissive or perhaps there is a strong reason I am willing to go against? maybe threat or danger to myself or them that I see. Just train of thought here...

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RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 4:15:19 AM

catize

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

quote:

ORIGINAL: masterforRT

When you first wake up in the morning, what do you think of first most of the time-Dominating or submitting. THAT defines what you are better then any phrase can.

Neither.

The first thing I think is "Damn! It's time to get up." Followed by, "Okay fix dogs breakfast, take dogs outside to pee, turn on computer to check the weather forcast, make coffee, feed or move horses, shower........."

Nothing dominant or submissive about ANY of those thoughts.

~~laughing~~ My waking thought is can I make coffee or should I pee first?

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"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
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(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 14

RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 4:20:11 AM

LaTigresse

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I don't think I am thinking yet when I stagger into the bathroom to do that.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to catize)

Post #: 15

RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 4:23:35 AM

lusciouslips19

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More trains of thought here about being reminded to be submissive...

I am reminded constantly of my submission. I remind myself. Submission isnt always easy. I say this because I have always been submissive at my core but thrust into a position of having to be the opposite. Someones got to deal with things and take charge. So in the past, I feel perhaps I was submissive but I was never tested. In my last relationship I would say he was more of a top than a Dominant. He never tested me, took every suggestion I made and was laid back. I was disappointed in the lack of D's. Now I have a different Dominant and more of a D's dynamic. Its not always easy bending to anothers authority. Its about trust in their authority. SO basically, I am just getting use to real authority and I am open and vocal about my opinions but there comes a time that I am not going to win and i just have to let it go.

I dont think I would have it any other way, really.

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Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
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RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 4:25:30 AM

simpleplan2

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I think you make a good point. I don't particularly care for hearing those "I'll have to remind you of your place" words either because I, too, interpret them pretty much the way softness states; however, I do think that a D can and often does things to enchance submissive feelings. For me, the best is nonverbal as someone coming up behind me saying "think about how you are serving me with your every action, even something as simple as this cleaning is another way you can serve and please me" while I am scrubbing a floor or a toilet could likely startle me (I tend to get quite focused) and earn him a mop in the face. I guess I'd see just how big and bad he is then, huh?

(in reply to Tetron)

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RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 4:34:33 AM

TysGalilah

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I don't have to be reminded of my submission, any more than he needs to be reminded he is a dominant man who desires the control and authority.   But we do give each other a way to express those natures and feelings inside our Ds dynamic.

   So he gives me ways of serving...obeying...pleasing..surrendering my will and my control.   Its not reminding me but it is reinforcing and creating a place and way of expressing that.

re: the question about giving up my power

that has always been my personal barometer, about whether this is healthy for me ( or not).   I give or surrender my will and control to him in our dynamic but I do not feel like I am becoming powerless or weakened in doing that. If anything, I feel empowered by it.   His dominance illuminates my personal strengths ie personal power.

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galilah

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to lusciouslips19)

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RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 4:34:47 AM

Lashra

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My sub has a dominant streak and in his past relationships he was indeed the leader. I believe that there is a place for a dominant streak in the world at times, only it will not be directed towards me. I do not have to "remind" him of his role as he knows that very well. But I have heard of some Dominants who feel that they must remind their subs of their place, I think this is where, for example, 3rd person speech may be used. Its not my thing or a tool I would use, but others find it useful.

~Lashra

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“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

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RE: Helping them/us feel submissive - 8/26/2008 4:38:26 AM

eyesopened

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I think I know what you are asking. While I agree with the.dark and softness and others that for me, being submissive is akin to my being female, it's so much a part of who I am as a person that there are no reminders necessary. That being said, there a times when my Master does or says little things that fill my heart with joy. It could be a small thing like holding out His coffee cup for me to get Him a refill. Just little daily things that have me thinking "I love this Man!" It's not a 'reminder' that I am submissive or that He's the Boss, but rather those small gestures of intimacy that say "this is who we are".

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