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Where's the line...? - 8/27/2008 8:52:25 PM   
Celeres


Posts: 166
Joined: 3/9/2008
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Hello and welcome to my little rant, or confused state. I do not quite know where/how to ask my question so please, bear with me.

Some days, (like right now), I feel a bit confused as to whether or not this lifestyle is really for me. How does one decide or really know? I've been in some vanilla relationships and I enjoy them nicely. However, I've been in certain relationships in which I was a sub, switch, and most recently, even some as a Dominant. I've realized that I find myself wanting a D/s relationship while I'm in a vanilla relationship, and vice-versa. Granted, things are easier in the respects that a D/s relationship can very well be vanilla in public or over shared meals. However, I haven't found that "something" that tells me one way or another.

Is this normal until I find the "one"? Or am I just confused as to what I'm really looking for?

Thank you for reading and I look forward to your replies.

--Celeres
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RE: Where's the line...? - 8/28/2008 7:43:02 AM   
chamberqueen


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
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It is not unusual to go through times of confusion especially as you are growing and changing.  Some days I feel like the lifestyle is perfect and I am deliriously happy.  When I tend to get disillusioned is when too many vanilla pressures creep in and I can't get the attention I desire.  Then I wonder if I wouldn't be better off just trying to find a vanilla "boyfriend" that would be happy to put me first.

You can always be flexible within the lifestyle to meet your own needs.  For instance, you could have Saturday night be kink night and the rest of the week vanilla if you wanted.  It can be difficult to feel like you are always in charge (as a Dom would be) and can become tiring.  Play with different ideas to see what you think would work best for you.  If it is a vanilla lifestyle with an occasional spanking thrown in there's nothing wrong with that, either.  Just find what fits you.


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RE: Where's the line...? - 8/28/2008 4:39:44 PM   
leadership527


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Joined: 6/2/2008
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Well, the grass is greener part bothers me a bit.  But honestly, perhaps this isn't a problem at all?  Maybe you're just a really flexible individual who is capable of finding satisfaction with a wide variety of partners based more on personality traits than kinks.  I mean, honestly, that doesn't sound like such an awful thing to be.  Maybe your "place" is "all over the place" ??

Food for thought.

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RE: Where's the line...? - 8/28/2008 9:30:17 PM   
Celeres


Posts: 166
Joined: 3/9/2008
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Huh... wow... I never thought of that leadership527. That's like "prime rib" for thought.

Perhaps the thought of "switching" between vanilla and kink isn't so bad. There's just such a bad rep these days with people brandishing others as "flakes" or "fakes."

--Celeres

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RE: Where's the line...? - 8/29/2008 6:18:39 PM   
lovingpet


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Joined: 6/19/2005
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Do not fear the critics.  You are who you are and you express your sexuality as best suits you.

Look at a rather odd example.  I am married more or less vanilla.  He likes to view BDSM porn and read such lit, but hates to control or hurt me.  Then there is the newest addition to my life who is all Dom and makes all those subly places go thump thump.  Now would I trade either, probably not.  And there is more I would like to do within this realm as well.  I wouldn't necessarily call it open marriage or poly (though basically I know it is).  I have found that I desire both to some degree and see no need to deny any part of who and what I am.

lovingpet

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RE: Where's the line...? - 8/29/2008 6:20:21 PM   
AMaster


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If you are not 100% sure, it might not be.

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RE: Where's the line...? - 8/29/2008 8:53:58 PM   
califsue


Posts: 593
Joined: 2/2/2008
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I think it is good you rant or question whether this is for you or not. There may be parts you can take with you on your journey and incorporate into a vanilla relationship. I think a common misconception regarding BDSM is the fantasy that it is always on 24/7. Life happens, work, regular social events and any number of hobbies, interests, sick kids, spouses, parents and all the day to day things of living life. As well, you are still young and should be questioning, exploring your life, ideas, goals of what you want to accomplish. It depends on what your attraction is and what you desire to get out of the lifestyle. I was in my mid 30's when I started exploring as a submissive and was in and out of for 15 years. Part of the reason for that is being involved in a vanilla on/off relationship during those years, wanting more than just play at times, and at other times just play. What I found for me is that vanilla partners just don't satsify and for me being in a TPE relationship is just the best.

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RE: Where's the line...? - 9/3/2008 7:22:04 AM   
xXLithiumXx


Posts: 723
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From: Hell, Kentucky
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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

Well, the grass is greener part bothers me a bit.  But honestly, perhaps this isn't a problem at all?  Maybe you're just a really flexible individual who is capable of finding satisfaction with a wide variety of partners based more on personality traits than kinks.  I mean, honestly, that doesn't sound like such an awful thing to be.  Maybe your "place" is "all over the place" ??

Food for thought.



This is a good thought indeed. Perhaps looking into a more poly type situation, where you would have a "swirl" type situation. Example, vanilla partner, then sub and Domme...could work out well for you. Unless you dont set it straight from day one that you have multiples.

And of course the statement that it isnt uncommon to be confused in times of growth is true as well. 

(in reply to leadership527)
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