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the turn of a sub to a Dom. - 8/28/2008 8:29:21 AM

JayEss

Posts: 9
Joined: 8/3/2007
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*deep breath*( I am putting this post out there because i feel something and i want to know what people think)

well it starts long ago when the idea of bondage and humiliation started to turn me on.

for a long time, I have tried my best to get into the BDSM scene. just find people of like mind to knoe that what i felt wasn't such a bad thing. I had a few successes and a few moments of failure. with maturity i see in hindsight that in could've been in a very different place to where i am now. any how. For a long time I had considered myself submissive. I'd entertained the idea of being bisexual, and still do. I'd played with all those people as a submissive, save one that, who was the most influencial on the fetsih aspect of my life. with her she wanted to be submissive too. It'd mafe for some really awkward and frustrating times. though the times that i was topping her she did say afterward that I would make a great dominant.

i considered this at the time and thought nothing of it, because at the time i felt i was not confident enough to dominate someone. so the years past as did partners.
Now i am at a turn in Life with a partner that likes to be submissive and is only new to the concept of BDSM. (she has great potential) I feel as though i have the confidence to express my sadistic side. the only trouble is that, even though i get amused by what i can do, i don't really feel turned on so to speak. this makes be be hesitant to dominate my girl or anyone else . i feel as though there is a obligation to have sex with the person that is submitting to me. With me i feel it is not about the sex its about what I do with them that arouses me. if i make them get themselves off in front of me that is enough, if i do other things that don't actually involve me having sex I am still happy. My concern is that they wouldn't be happy that I hadn't actually fucked them.

has anyone else related to this? or am I babbling incoherently? Any thoughts are appreciated.

jay.

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RE: the turn of a sub to a Dom. - 8/28/2008 9:08:56 AM

silkenfire

Posts: 130
Joined: 9/27/2007
Status: offline

I am a switch, of sorts, but not truly. I enjoy being a submissive. I do not enjoy topping. However, I am quite good at it and enjoy it thoroughly sometimes -- but it doesn't turn me on, nothing like being in their place. I think that's why I'm good at it, that I know what it feels like to be there and the emotions riding on it.

However, if it is what she really needs out of a partner and you do want to remain her partner, do it occasionally. Not often so much as a lifestyle of it would be... because it's not you, but doing it occasionally would have saved some relationships that I had been in, and been in love with the individual, but they couldn't dom me and it totally ruined things for me not to have it at all. In my personal situation, if I had gotten that once a month or so, it would have been enough to sustain the relationship (since it was based primarily on other things). If the relationship is based entirely on you being a dominant but you do it that infrequently... then it might not help

Anyways, I know this is "Ask a Master" but I have been in the situation to dominate now and again. And it's quite fun, just not fulfilling for me.

As for the sexual side and worrying about having sex with them. The most fulfilling scenes I have been in did not involve sex. The partners with which I have had sex, have not been into this at all. If I try to think about my most fulfilling sexual experiences, it isn't sex that comes to mind even though I have had a lot of sex over time that was really fantastic in its own right.

I'm hoping this will change eventually and I can have a blending of the two... but for someone that really wants to be dominated completely if that is REALLY their mindset, not having sex with you should not ruin the situation. It might be enjoyed better if you did, depending on your dynamic, but for it to be the mood killer? I don't think so.

Now, if you never let her ever pleasure you herself she probably will be like me and think something is terribly wrong. I have to pleasure my partner in some way (not necessarily sex) or I feel hopelessly inadequate. For me this does not have to be connected to the BDSM scene though. But if you want to truly dom her in many ways and never allow her to pleasure you, through sex or other sexual activities... she will probably have some of these issues -- and it has taken me years to mentally recover from a specific relationship that left me inadequately able to please.

So this is really really wordy.. hopefully you don't mind me jumping on your thread. Also, all sentiments above are wholly mine and may not actually translate to any other individual.

(in reply to JayEss)

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RE: the turn of a sub to a Dom. - 8/28/2008 9:42:21 AM

JayEss

Posts: 9
Joined: 8/3/2007
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thanks, that makes alot of sense. i feel i was thinking simirarly to yourself. i appreciate your honest response.

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RE: the turn of a sub to a Dom. - 8/28/2008 10:10:55 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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And another thought Jayess, which may or may not be helpful. Consider that while being domme may not be "who you are" right now, people have a delightful tendency to grow and change over time. I've been in my relationship for 13 years now all told. We were somewhat compatible when we started. But honestly, that isn't what carried us for more than a decade. What's gotten us this far is that we both, when given an opportunity, will usually choose to grow more towards each other rather than away. So who knows? Perhaps your not domme today but you are tomorrow? Only you can answer that question.

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RE: the turn of a sub to a Dom. - 8/28/2008 10:23:27 AM

chamberqueen

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/25/2007
From: Kalamazoo, MI
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As a Domme I had many nonsexual encounters with my subs. I would allow them to masturbate in front of me, or I would help them to on occasion, but the rule was that I could touch them in any manner but they could not touch me. I found that I lost my edge as a top when sex came into the picture.

There is nothing wrong with having a nonsexual session. If the sub is turned on you can allow them, or command them, to masturbate and I am sure that they will feel satisfied. The times I have masturbated on command have been very fulfilling to me. You might even want to use a dildo or vibrator on them if they feel the need to be entered. There are numerous options available.

_____________________________

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RE: the turn of a sub to a Dom. - 8/28/2008 12:22:20 PM

DarkSteven

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Joined: 5/2/2008
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You're experiencing. You're playing. You're growing. All good.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: the turn of a sub to a Dom. - 8/28/2008 4:44:05 PM

Gr33nT0p

Posts: 10
Joined: 1/4/2005
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Jay,

All good responses from those so far so let me tell you what I have found works well for me. I have never been a submissive or switch that I have consciencously known to project. But I will say, I have had some of the same feelings, about DO I need to have sex with my partner in order to satisfy her. I have foudn two things that have always helped me out to understand my feelings, I have actually kept a diary of my encounters and experiences because years ago I realized I was losing a sub because she asked if I loved her enough to have sex with her or if I was only using her to get off my way and not enough for her. I contemplated this for a great deal of time that I nearly lost her. When i began writing I was able to go back and reread my thoughts and experiences anf igure out what i was thinking.

it fundamentally turned out I was gettng pure pleasure from doing what i was doing and beginning to neglect my sub. so I had to rememebr to make the situation all inclusive so it workedout for both of us or after speaking with her, I found out I stopped pushing her limits and thus she was no longer spending enough time in subspace. So we cleared things up and mved forward and things worked out better, and it taught me how to pay more attention to all my surroundings.

We eventually broke up due to her vanilla professional needs to move but we did continue for a good long while.

And no, the ramblings are what the forums are about. and i would not worry about your being a switch right now, at least you get some appreciation for what we go through. well maybe not completely but sorta...

(in reply to DarkSteven)

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