RE: Do subs blow it with one question? (Full Version)

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MysticFireTopaz -> RE: Do subs blow it with one question? (9/1/2008 9:07:32 AM)

I would not consider it a deal-killer if the sub politely asked me, "Do you think there's a chance you might dominante me in the future?"   I would prefer the question, "Do you think you may want to get together again?"  Better still would be the wording DesFIP suggested, ""I've enjoyed spending this time with you and would like to see you again. I hope you feel the same".

There are questions at a first meeting that are deal killers, but none of the above would be.  
 
Lady Topaz



kiwisub12 -> RE: Do subs blow it with one question? (9/1/2008 9:47:14 AM)

I think its sweet that he was nervous about asking.  Obviously he felt a connection. [:)]



littlesarbonn -> RE: Do subs blow it with one question? (9/1/2008 1:57:58 PM)

The way I figure it is: If one question can derail the entire relationship AFTER we just spent hours together getting to know each other, we're better off not being together in the future.



steffie -> RE: Do subs blow it with one question? (9/1/2008 2:45:34 PM)

I'm always amazed how people bank so much on a single meeting.  Based on a 2-hour dinner conversation people want to know whether or not you're going to be spending the rest of your life together.

After a first meeting with a woman, she looked at me and asked, "Is there a chance that we will get married?"

My response was, "I don't even know you."  My theory is that you don't know anyone till you've known them for 6 months, minimum.  Only then, do you really begin to see the whole person clearly.  No matter how much chemistry you might feel initially, it's foolish to make a lifetime committment to someone based on a single meeting.  It's wiser to take your time, get to know each other gradually, and then decide whether or not you are a match.

Obviously that wasn't the right answer to this woman.  She'd already been married 3x, and although stunningly beautiful, she was already looking for ex-husband #4.  She never saw me again - based on my answer to that one question.

I don't like it when people only see me as a means to an end.  Like seeing Lady A as strictly a person to dominate him.  Like this woman seeing me merely as a potential spouse.  Like the guys in the clubs who approach me looking only for a 1-night stand.

When someone is just trying to get a single need met - they're not focusing on you.  They don't even see you.  You're just a means to an end.  I don't know that i would discount the man in Lady A's OP because of his question, but it would put my guard up - that he is only interested in one thing.  If you're looking for a well rounded relationship, he may be the type that will not commit beyond an occasional scene.



ElanSubdued -> RE: Do subs blow it with one question? (9/1/2008 3:47:13 PM)

Akasha,

quote:

At the end of the lunch when you are saying goodbye, he says "Is it ok if I ask you something?" and you can tell he's nervous.  He then asks you, "Do you think there's a chance you might dominate me in the future?"


Were I the dominant, such a question from a submissive would almost guarantee I never dominated this person and it's likely I might never have lunch with them again either.  For me, this shows the wrong focus (which is on getting kink as opposed to getting to know me).  I'd much rather someone showed interest in having another date by asking a question like "next week so and so is playing at the Jazz Cellar... would you like to go"?  Even if there was only scant chemistry between us, such an approach would likely get a second date.

Elan.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Do subs blow it with one question? (9/1/2008 4:03:18 PM)

Well I have to say that you men are HARSH.  (Usually folks say that to *me*!  [:)])

I've been on many a coffee date with submissive men.  Men that I was interviewing for private clubs, screening for munches, total newbs with no clue, married guys hoping I could hook them up somehow, and yes, even men interested in Little Me.  Some of them had perfect manners, and others didn't.  Some were so astounded and frozen that they had taken the step to actually meeting a dominant in *person* that they had no idea what to say or not say.  If someone was pleasant, well behaved, entertaining, and generally a decent guy, I cut him some slack for showing some badly placed enthusiasm.  



bobipanti -> RE: Do subs blow it with one question? (9/1/2008 8:25:35 PM)

I think it is an appropriate question but other questions would be better and ask or test the same subject. Such questions would also not place the Dommes in such a situation with no real choice but to say maybe or no!  



ShadowsLap -> RE: Do subs blow it with one question? (9/1/2008 9:22:15 PM)

No, subs don't blow it with one question - but they can make it VERY difficult for a second date.  I was born human and female long before I began to flex my Domme muscles (actually Switch muscles).
 
If my profile doesn't tell you I want to be treated as a human female, then our conversations leading up to that first meeting should.  For me, since the mind is the most responsive erogenous zone we have, chemistry cannot happen without an intellectual connection. 
 
And if we DO happen to have chemistry with each other and the sub asks a question that changes the conversation from the direction I may want things to go to a direction the sub wants wants things to go - it's like a train derailment.  All the grace in the world cannot repair the chemistry that may have been damaged.
 
So, in a case like the one presented in the OP, I have to agree with TammyJo (page 1).  While I try not to shut down a potential submissive for any reason, if they fail to treat me as I want to be treated (like a human female), they make it hard for me to answer any question like that afirmatively.
 
SL



JackSlash -> RE: Do subs blow it with one question? (9/2/2008 7:28:21 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Politesub53


Slightly off topic Ma`am, and purely about chemistry. Should we determine this, or should it just "BE" ?  My thoughts are its the later, that it should be there without having to think about it.

( Look no quips..[;)] )  << well, except that one.

I agree, chemistry is not something thought out, it is that extra thing that makes a person you find attractive, seem more beautiful then anything else in the world.  It makes a person you get along with feel like a long lost part of you. It makes a mistress/master seem irresistable. It is not something you can figure out. It is not something you can control. It's a fire you see behind someones eyes when they smile at you. It is the way you'd like to do anything for this person.
Thats what it is to me, but I'm submissive, What is it for a mistress?



Dnomyar -> RE: Do subs blow it with one question? (9/2/2008 7:32:40 AM)

LadyH do I bing a towel for my drooling. How can someone not drool when they are with you. Now as for the enthusiasum I guess wearing the cheerleader outfit is out. I promise to try to keep the giggling down.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Do subs blow it with one question? (9/2/2008 8:57:41 AM)

I love giggling, Ray!  Bring the sparkly pompoms, okay?[:D]



ElanSubdued -> RE: Do subs blow it with one question? (9/2/2008 11:15:57 AM)

LadyHibiscus,

quote:

Some of them had perfect manners, and others didn't.  Some were so astounded and frozen that they had taken the step to actually meeting a dominant in *person* that they had no idea what to say or not say.  If someone was pleasant, well behaved, entertaining, and generally a decent guy, I cut him some slack for showing some badly placed enthusiasm.


I don't disagree with your approach and, in fact, this is similar to my own.  Given that we *both* know I don't have a dominant bone in my body, it's hard for me to put myself in the headspace of a dominant.  However, let's just pretend for a moment, okay? :-)

*puts on sassmonkey dominant hat*

Ah.  That's much better!  Alright homegirl, it's like this see.  Context is everything.  A single, misplaced question isn't going to blow a submissive out of the water - not, as you say, if we've enjoyed one another excepting a slip-up or two.  But, call me prickly on this next matter.  If I feel a person isn't genuinely interested in me and rather is just looking to find any placeholder to fulfill their BDSM fantasies, that's a complete turn-off.  Likewise, if a person comes across as trolling to make other contacts, that's also a turn-off.  It's fine if, as a consequence of us meeting, I end up introducing the person to other people.  However, if it seems their approach is only to use me for networking with others, that's not really going to fly.

So... as long as someone treats me with courtesy and shows interest in me as a person, and provided there is some modicum of chemistry between us (friendship or otherwise), I'm likely to cut them quite a bit of slack (read: sure, a second date may well happen).

*takes off the SDH*
*transforms back into submissive, mild-mannered Elan*

Coincidently, when I'm meeting a Domme, my approach is similar.  Of course, the shoe is on the other foot now so I try to be attentive, courteous, and an interesting, endearing communicator.  Whether on the top or bottom though, I treat people with courtesy and, as appropriate, I attempt to be an entertaining, receptive host.  Thus, as long as there is enough mutual chemistry, I don't think small slip-ups from either side are likely to have a material impact on whether we meet again.

Elan.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Do subs blow it with one question? (9/2/2008 11:24:09 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ElanSubdued

Given that we *both* know I don't have a dominant bone in my body, it's hard for me to put myself in the headspace of a dominant.  However, let's just pretend for a moment, okay? :-)   I love a man who can make me laugh.  :)


homegirl,    Is this the new code for "bitch"?  Because only my fellow Pimpettes call me Homegirl!


And you know, we are pretty much in agreement.  If the guy has basically been a twit, or treated me like dom-meat, then we know the answer to "is there a chance?"  The only question is will I smile kindly when I say "Not a chance in hell!"



ElanSubdued -> RE: Do subs blow it with one question? (9/2/2008 11:48:16 AM)

LadyHibiscus,

quote:

Is this the new code for "bitch"?  Because only my fellow Pimpettes call me Homegirl!


Bitch.  Homegirl.  They're all code for "I adore you". :-)

*stomps petulant foot*

I wanna' be a pimpette!  (...well, without all the frilly shit.  Actually, a *little* bit of frill is okay.  As they say, moderation is the spice of life.)

Elan.



NuevaVida -> RE: Do subs blow it with one question? (9/2/2008 1:09:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlesarbonn

The way I figure it is: If one question can derail the entire relationship AFTER we just spent hours together getting to know each other, we're better off not being together in the future.


I agree.  Unless it's some totally offensive question that falls off the charts.  Asking someone if they might do something in the future is completely benign, non demanding, and simply exploring where the other person is coming from.  I truly do not understand this being an issue.



BitaTruble -> RE: Do subs blow it with one question? (9/2/2008 1:32:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha


At the end of the lunch when you are saying goodbye, he says "Is it ok if I ask you something?" and you can tell he's nervous.  He then asks you, "Do you think there's a chance you might dominate me in the future?"



That would get a 'no' answer.

If he had said, instead .. "Do you think there's a chance you might allow me to submit in the future." That might get a 'maybe'.

When my kids used to ask for things and I told them I'd think about it.. if they continued to pester me, I'd look them straight in the eye and tell them.. "If you want an answer right this second, the answer is no. If you are willing to let me think about it as I asked, the answer might be yes."

They learned patience at a very young age. [:)]



LaTigresse -> RE: Do subs blow it with one question? (9/2/2008 1:49:25 PM)

Celeste, I had to laugh at your story about answering your kids. It was almost identical to the same thing I used to tell my kids.



MissLily -> RE: Do subs blow it with one question? (9/4/2008 6:43:07 PM)

Well, if it was asked in that maner and in that contexte, then I would give an honnest answer and wouldn't think ill of him. I think it's an honnest question. My mind was not made up and I would prefer to see where things were going. If his ego was able to handle that sort of semi-rejection and keep up the interest and still make plans to meet me, then he would be scoring points already.
 
Had the date been a bad one, the guy a self-centered-wanker-bore, then I would give him an honnest answer and keep on thinking ill of him... lol
 
Miss Lily



tornaway -> RE: Do subs blow it with one question? (9/4/2008 7:15:15 PM)

 My feeling has always been that people can ask me whatever they'd like - doesn't mean I have to provide an answer !    In this case ,  I don't see this as an unreasonable question .   If I liked this person , I would probably say  something like :    " all in good time - if we find we truly like one another " .   And if  I knew there wasn't any chance at all ,  I would say so - kindly ,  so this potential sub could move on without ambiguity .



RumpusParable -> RE: Do subs blow it with one question? (9/5/2008 7:59:26 AM)

Assuming we're talking purely social...

+1 to what Steffie said:  That question would be a clear tip to how their mind worked. 

Someone not pursuing me as a "means to an end" alone would ask about something else, some other way... 



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