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Do subs blow it with one question? - 8/31/2008 11:51:58 AM

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Scenario for femdoms:

You are getting together casually for lunch with a submissive you met online, and the purpose of the meeting is to just see if there's chemistry and get to know each other a little. The submissive is a gentleman and does not spend the entire time talking about kink or asking kinky questions or self serving questions, but let's you guide that level of talk and keeps things light and more about hobbies and personal interests. You don't feel immediate chemistry, but you don't rule it out either. You just aren't sure yet if you have a physical/mental connection with him.

At the end of the lunch when you are saying goodbye, he says "Is it ok if I ask you something?" and you can tell he's nervous. He then asks you, "Do you think there's a chance you might dominate me in the future?"

How do you take this question? Do you think it's a fair and appropriate question? If you simply do not know, do you tell him you don't know, and leave it at that? Do you think it's too forward a question, does it make you feel like he's trying to find out if the lunch was worth it, or is he just trying to find out if he should continue to pursue you and does not want to be rude? Is it a fishing question, is it inappropriate, is it pushy? Do you think the question "Do you think you may want to get together again?" is a better question?

Akasha

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RE: Do subs blow it with one question? - 8/31/2008 12:09:43 PM

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I think that is a completely reasonable question.

Sure, we go out to lunch to see if we like him, but we are being interviewed as well. I would take it as more positive and a sign of interest that he is asking, as opposed to a "thanks, nice meeting you" ending that means "no thanks". It's a hard question, though, because it can take more than one meeting to know how things will go. I do think that "would you like to meet again" is a more graceful way of asking, but blunt honesty has merit. (As long as there is no overt drooling.

)

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RE: Do subs blow it with one question? - 8/31/2008 12:21:05 PM

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Yes, I think it's an appropriate question. I have no problem telling someone that I don't know or that I'm not sure yet. One quick thing about that. Have you ever noticed that the answer "I don't know" is one of the hardest for a person to accept? Literally, sometimes the answer is the fact that I don't know. Enough of one of My pet peeves.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with a person trying to obtain information to find out if the lunch was worth it. We tend to make it tough on the subs at times. Even at a first meet, they generally have this thing in their heads about do this and don't do that. Know the secret handshake and memorize the rule book. How else would they know if they don't get to ask?

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RE: Do subs blow it with one question? - 8/31/2008 12:24:24 PM

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It's a reasonable question, although he might have phrased it better.

The deal killer for me is "Let me just put the tip in?!?"

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RE: Do subs blow it with one question? - 8/31/2008 12:30:03 PM

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quote:

Do you think the question "Do you think you may want to get together again?" is a better question?

Oh, by far. Especially if we're in a public place where other people may be able to catch snippets of our conversation...

But beyond that, I hate being pushed/hassled/et cetera into something, or worse, to have my thoughts interrupted. If I'm out at lunch with someone trying to determine chemistry then I'm focusing on that aspect of things before I even start THINKING about scenes. Somebody asking about being dominated at that point would suddenly shift my train of thought before I was completely ready and interrupt any musings I may have had, which would probably make me grind my teeth a bit.

That, and going straight to the domination like that would make me thing he's only after play, not after a real connection or friendship or anything of that nature.

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RE: Do subs blow it with one question? - 8/31/2008 12:47:10 PM

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Hehe, I've always wondered how I'd act/feel on one of these scheduled first meetings. I believe it would already be awkward for me, as in a vanilla first date I know that I like to have control in order to create an environment/situation where I am seen in the best light and the both of us are as likely to be comfortable. In the lifestyle, I've never had a first meet like this; I generally meet someone at an event and we immediately click and exchange info until later we set another face to face up. I think there's alot less pressure and stress when a relationship starts in the real world.

But, to avoid a hijack; I think I'd be likely to ask something on those lines, though I prefer to use more subtle innuendo. Since supposedly women know within the first five seconds whether they'd ever have sex with a man, I believe that within a couple of hours a woman should know if she could ever picture herself dominating a guy. Saying yes to such a question doesn't mean it will happen, but any answer can make it less likely that the man would be led on unintentionally.

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RE: Do subs blow it with one question? - 8/31/2008 12:51:27 PM

Hime

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Given the scenario, we met online (in my case -- obviously had quite a few correspondences before agreeing to lunch) and if I "still" by that point sensed no connection or chemistry....I'd say, "Honestly, I don't see that happening between us."

For me, chemistry is not something that I need to wait to figure out - when it's right....I just know it. And if it's not there, I'd have no desire to pursue things beyond friendship.

~xoxo

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RE: Do subs blow it with one question? - 8/31/2008 1:03:26 PM

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I have met people early on and later in the course of things. I tend to have that question basically answered by the time we meet. Not that there will be any play or d/s involved or a decision at that moment, but that there needs to be certain things that happen prior to any dynamic's. They will know how I think on things and how I typically do things. I don't start out as mistress. I have rarely done things out of the order of my way of doing things, but have, and won't do it again.

There is nothing wrong with the question even though if presented a certain way, I could see it being pushy, but they have a right to know where they stand. No one should have to invest a lot of themselves for something that isn't going to go where they want it to go. Having some idea of where that could go is a good thing.

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RE: Do subs blow it with one question? - 8/31/2008 1:10:55 PM

CallaFirestormBW

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

Scenario for femdoms:

You are getting together casually for lunch with a submissive you met online, and the purpose of the meeting is to just see if there's chemistry and get to know each other a little. The submissive is a gentleman and does not spend the entire time talking about kink or asking kinky questions or self serving questions, but let's you guide that level of talk and keeps things light and more about hobbies and personal interests. You don't feel immediate chemistry, but you don't rule it out either. You just aren't sure yet if you have a physical/mental connection with him.

At the end of the lunch when you are saying goodbye, he says "Is it ok if I ask you something?" and you can tell he's nervous. He then asks you, "Do you think there's a chance you might dominate me in the future?"

How do you take this question? Do you think it's a fair and appropriate question? If you simply do not know, do you tell him you don't know, and leave it at that? Do you think it's too forward a question, does it make you feel like he's trying to find out if the lunch was worth it, or is he just trying to find out if he should continue to pursue you and does not want to be rude? Is it a fishing question, is it inappropriate, is it pushy? Do you think the question "Do you think you may want to get together again?" is a better question?

Akasha

I don't see a problem with this question, though I think that I would prefer to have it worded as "Ma'am, do you see any reason why you would not want to dominate me some time in the future?" To me, this is not much different than the question I was taught to ask at the end of a job interview: "Do you see any reason that I would not be good fit for this position?"

As for my response, if I didn't know, I would tell him that I had not decided yet, but would be going home to think about it and talk about it with my Darling. If I already knew my answer, I would have already told him that he had been selected OR would have already told him that I didn't think he was a good fit. There is, of course, some pressure with the question, but I do understand the eagerness/concern.

In most cases, I will defer these types of questions by being straightforward about whether I am undecided about how he will fit with us, have already decided that I will be offering him a probationary position, or have decided that he isn't going to work. I consider it my responsibility to keep a potential servant informed, and this is one thing I do to stay on top of that process (not to mention that it keeps me in control of the direction the conversation is taking.)

Calla Firestorm

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RE: Do subs blow it with one question? - 8/31/2008 1:21:43 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: darchChylde

...But, to avoid a hijack; I think I'd be likely to ask something on those lines, though I prefer to use more subtle innuendo....

See, I'm kind of the opposite. I don't see me ever asking something like that at all (not that I feel there's anything at all wrong with your approach), I'm just not wired that way. I probably would never bring it up at all and let her either send me some signals if there's something there, or wait for her to say something more direct. That leaves me to concentrate on coming off as being myself and not signaling that I may possibly have any sort of hidden agenda.

Sorry if this extended the hijacked status of the thread...

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RE: Do subs blow it with one question? - 8/31/2008 1:34:38 PM

Usako

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I have to agree with Pyrsefanie on this one. Usually when I met someone I can tell if I want to go that far or not, but sometimes it takes more time. If the meeting is just a casual lunch and doesn't have much BDSM talk it would be a turn off to hear about play. I'd much rather be asked if I want to mee up again or something.

But even then, a simple question about play isn't the end of the world. So far the worst was after having a drink or two the guy asking if I wanted to go into some alley and inspect/torture his balls. Of course I knew he was into CBT since we chatted from CM but I had NO intention of doing that on the first meet; especially since there was no chemistry with him whatsoever. Needless to say I never meet up with him again.

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RE: Do subs blow it with one question? - 8/31/2008 1:46:01 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Usako

....So far the worst was after having a drink or two the guy asking if I wanted to go into some alley and inspect/torture his balls. Of course I knew he was into CBT since we chatted from CM but I had NO intention of doing that on the first meet; especially since there was no chemistry with him whatsoever. Needless to say I never meet up with him again.

So, what you're saying is he was the hopeless romantic type?...

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RE: Do subs blow it with one question? - 8/31/2008 4:06:53 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Pyrrsefanie

If I'm out at lunch with someone trying to determine chemistry then I'm focusing on that aspect of things before I even start THINKING about scenes. Somebody asking about being dominated at that point would suddenly shift my train of thought before I was completely ready and interrupt any musings I may have had, which would probably make me grind my teeth a bit.

Slightly off topic Ma`am, and purely about chemistry. Should we determine this, or should it just "BE" ? My thoughts are its the later, that it should be there without having to think about it.

( Look no quips..

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RE: Do subs blow it with one question? - 8/31/2008 4:25:42 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
Scenario for femdoms:

You are getting together casually for lunch with a submissive you met online, and the purpose of the meeting is to just see if there's chemistry and get to know each other a little. The submissive is a gentleman and does not spend the entire time talking about kink or asking kinky questions or self serving questions, but let's you guide that level of talk and keeps things light and more about hobbies and personal interests. You don't feel immediate chemistry, but you don't rule it out either. You just aren't sure yet if you have a physical/mental connection with him.

At the end of the lunch when you are saying goodbye, he says "Is it ok if I ask you something?" and you can tell he's nervous. He then asks you, "Do you think there's a chance you might dominate me in the future?"

How do you take this question? Do you think it's a fair and appropriate question? If you simply do not know, do you tell him you don't know, and leave it at that? Do you think it's too forward a question, does it make you feel like he's trying to find out if the lunch was worth it, or is he just trying to find out if he should continue to pursue you and does not want to be rude? Is it a fishing question, is it inappropriate, is it pushy? Do you think the question "Do you think you may want to get together again?" is a better question?

Ah the first question reads like someone who honestly doesn't know me at all. It poses "domination" as someone I do to someone and not Ds as a relationship we agree to both work on creating and maintaining. Demonstrating that you do not know when there was no real chemistry there as per your scenario is indeed a deal breaker.

Treating me as I want to be treated, which we will have discussed long before meeting, is a much better approach.

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RE: Do subs blow it with one question? - 8/31/2008 4:31:23 PM

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It's a fair question, to ask if she feels any connection, and would she like to see him again. Especially since nobody enjoys going home to sit by the phone, (or email) hoping it rings.

But a better phrase would be something on the lines of "I've enjoyed spending this time with you and would like to see you again. I hope you feel the same". Just a polite line that means what it says whether you're vanilla or kinky.

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RE: Do subs blow it with one question? - 8/31/2008 9:03:56 PM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Politesub53
Slightly off topic Ma`am, and purely about chemistry. Should we determine this, or should it just "BE" ? My thoughts are its the later, that it should be there without having to think about it.

My brain processes information and emotions a bit differently than most people, I'm afraid -- I have to think through everything before I can decide how to react or how I feel.

I have no idea how much this scenario would differ for a neurotypical versus myself.

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RE: Do subs blow it with one question? - 9/1/2008 3:16:04 AM

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I could handle the original question, though to be honest, given that it's a first meeting I'd rather have it asked from the point of view of his desires. As in, "Maam, i have really enjoyed meeting You and i would love to chance to see You again if You would like that. And if there was any chance of You dominating me in future, i think that would be awesome". That tells Me how he's feeling about things, and then I can respond with how I am seeing the situation. My reasoning in this is that, as it's early days, I don't want any supposed power differences to get in the way of hearing what someone genuinely desires. So rather than his trying to second guess what I might want, he should tell Me honestly what he wants and then that leaves the ball in My court.

I recognise though that subs are very nervous in such first meetings, so I am willing to overlook the odd gaffe and I think it's My responsibility to deal graciously with however he might ask such a question. However, I agree that someone jumping to "wow i can't wait till you've got Your strapon in my ass!" isn't going to get a very gracious response!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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RE: Do subs blow it with one question? - 9/1/2008 3:37:54 AM

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me being sub here not sure if i am answering this as you wanted ,but as for any meeting ive had in public setting to see if you are a good connection for a Mistress or Master. I feel as a sub some times your not sure if you should bring up kinks so fast as too make the Mistress feel uncomfortable and he not bringing up so fast maybe he was trying too not push or as i ve seen it said here Top form the bottom. he may have not known how yo ask or felt embrassed too ask . and when he felt a comfort leve or maybe he felt you had no interest in him then the was gieving it one last attempt before he felt he may have failed.... i hope this helped in some way

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RE: Do subs blow it with one question? - 9/1/2008 6:47:51 AM

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

At the end of the lunch when you are saying goodbye, he says "Is it ok if I ask you something?" and you can tell he's nervous. He then asks you, "Do you think there's a chance you might dominate me in the future?"

When my Mistress is meeting with someone new for the first time and they ask a question like this most the time she will not get in contact with them again

Rich

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RE: Do subs blow it with one question? - 9/1/2008 8:49:13 AM

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Hihi!

My first post here. I am totally new, but I wanted to post because I actually went through this very thing last night. My wife and I met up with a potential D partner for me.

I view that question of "Will you Dom me?" as trying to force an outcome and it is typically going to be something that is really not answerable on a first meeting. It may be a total newb question by someone who does not understand the dynamics of meeting people, or it could be an attempt to force an outcome that they want. I think that is something that the more experienced party should consider if they are asked it - what was the intent in asking that question. Hopefully it will be clear if it was an honest newb mistake, or an attempt to manipulate.

We went last night first looking to make a friend, second to see if there was any chemistry. While it was an open and honest discussion, there was no "Gee I would really like it if you would...X", and on our part there was no expectation of anything beyond that meeting. There were hopes, but no expectation...sometimes those can be hard to balance.

We did have chemistry and we reluctantly said our goodbyes. On returning home...I sent her a Thank You email stating in very clear terms that I very much hoped to see her again, that I felt a connection and hoped she did too...and that I would leave any next steps in her hands. I hoped that at a minimum we could be friends. She responded almost immediately that she felt the same. YAYs! We had about a 3 hour online conversation then about what -might- happen, but it is really still totally up in the air because we just met and there are a lot of things to get comfortable with before we ever get intimate.

I think that is exactly how it has to be and I feel really good about it.

Now...that is my head talking, I have to admit...my heart is still pounding, my chest is tight, my spirit absolutely spinning, and I hardly slept last night for the joy and anticipation of what -might- be. Working on balancing hopes and expecations... But gosh just what has happened so far is a wonderful gift! :)

< Message edited by OttersSwim -- 9/1/2008 8:50:10 AM >

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