RE: Communicating with the slave or lack there of

RE: Communicating with the slave or lack there of (Full Version)

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chamberqueen -> RE: Communicating with the slave or lack there of (9/8/2008 8:34:20 AM)
Going way back to the original post - as a slave the thing that hurts my feelings the most is in lack of contact. I am not live in but live close by. I am normally contacted at least once a day in some form. There are times when vanilla things get in the way and my Master does not have the chance to contact me. There are other times when there is a set time period in which he will not contact me, such as when he goes on a trip. I was once given the task of emailing only in response to his emails over a set time period and not making first contact, and frankly I failed miserably and ended up with my only punishment session. There are many reasons that a Master may choose to intentionally stop communicating and it isn't necessarily training. He may simply have his own interests that he would prefer to pursue. In such cases, lack of communication is often a sign that the relationship is starting to slip. It can be a very effective training mechanism IF it is explained up front. Saying, "I will not contact you for 24 hours as a reminder to you that you behaved inappropriately" is totally different than just ignoring the slave and not telling them why. A child will misbehave to get attention rather than to be ignored. Even though maturity curbs that instinct, it can still come out in emotional moments. Some people are much more sensitive to being ignored than others. I don't know what the "norm" is for a Master contacted his slave, but I think it should be as often as both parties are happy with and if it is withheld that the slave should understand why.

zinedine -> RE: Communicating with the slave or lack there of (9/13/2008 5:25:28 AM)
hello i have seen ur reply am also in need of u if really u want me now?

zinedine -> RE: Communicating with the slave or lack there of (9/13/2008 5:26:58 AM)
hello i have seen ur reply am also in need as u are now

CruelDesires -> RE: Communicating with the slave or lack there of (9/13/2008 5:46:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: chamberqueen Going way back to the original post - as a slave the thing that hurts my feelings the most is in lack of contact. I am not live in but live close by. I am normally contacted at least once a day in some form. There are times when vanilla things get in the way and my Master does not have the chance to contact me. There are other times when there is a set time period in which he will not contact me, such as when he goes on a trip. I was once given the task of emailing only in response to his emails over a set time period and not making first contact, and frankly I failed miserably and ended up with my only punishment session. (snipped) Even with a hectic schedule, a 30 second long text message on a cell phone is not possible? When someone posts that their Master doesn't contact them for days due to a hectic or busy vanilla schedule, it does not compute to me. To me that shows a lack of interest in a M/s relationship and I will always question a persons motives and or living arrangements when I see that. shrugs My idea of M/s and D/s is that someone desires and NEEDS control of another person. To achieve that control, one must communicate and have contact constantly with the slave or submissive in question. At best that shows me that the D in question is lackadaisical or uncaring about the relationship. At worst, it shows that the D is cheating or having a hidden affair on his vanilla significant other. Personally, I do not see why the s-type would put up with that type of behavior either way. YMMV C-D

christine1 -> RE: Communicating with the slave or lack there of (9/13/2008 5:50:41 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CruelDesires Even with a hectic schedule, a 30 second long text message on a cell phone is not possible? When someone posts that their Master doesn't contact them for days due to a hectic or busy vanilla schedule, it does not compute to me. To me that shows a lack of interest in a M/s relationship and I will always question a persons motives and or living arrangements when I see that. shrugs My idea of M/s and D/s is that someone desires and NEEDS control of another person. To achieve that control, one must communicate and have contact constantly with the slave or submissive in question. At best that shows me that the D in question is lackadaisical or uncaring about the relationship. At worst, it shows that the D is cheating or having a hidden affair on his vanilla significant other. Personally, I do not see why the s-type would put up with that type of behavior either way. YMMV C-D i couldn't agree more.

MercTech -> RE: Communicating with the slave or lack there of (9/13/2008 6:22:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CruelDesires Even with a hectic schedule, a 30 second long text message on a cell phone is not possible? When someone posts that their Master doesn't contact them for days due to a hectic or busy vanilla schedule, it does not compute to me. To me that shows a lack of interest in a M/s relationship and I will always question a persons motives and or living arrangements when I see that. shrugs My idea of M/s and D/s is that someone desires and NEEDS control of another person. To achieve that control, one must communicate and have contact constantly with the slave or submissive in question. At best that shows me that the D in question is lackadaisical or uncaring about the relationship. At worst, it shows that the D is cheating or having a hidden affair on his vanilla significant other. Personally, I do not see why the s-type would put up with that type of behavior either way. YMMV C-D I have to disagree. I do contract work in remote areas. When on a contract I'm often working 12 hours a day for 6 days a week. Cell service can be very spotty and internet requiring driving somewhere. Those in my life understand that when off refilling the bank account, I'm focused and can go several days without contact. But, I CAN be contacted in a valid emergency. Working a 12 hour shift with prep, drive, and destress time added leaves very very little left over for any interaction. Yes, communication is a key thing. Each in a relationship has to understand the needs of the other and know if they can fulfill them. Those that share my life are ones able to function without daily interaction in favor of the intense days together when I'm not on contract. BTW, few things are more exhausting to a relationship than being distracted from work by multiple daily phone calls with manufactured crises that could surely have waited for after work to discuss. Stefan

KatyLied -> RE: Communicating with the slave or lack there of (9/13/2008 7:41:21 AM)
quote: To achieve that control, one must communicate and have contact constantly with the slave or submissive in question. At best that shows me that the D in question is lackadaisical or uncaring about the relationship. I disagree with this. It would drive me nuts if someone thought he had to be in constant contact with me. I'm independent and don't need a micro-management, constant-contact model in order to be able and willing to submit. I have a busy life and things to do and can't be at another's beck and call during the work day and work evening.

KnightofMists -> RE: Communicating with the slave or lack there of (9/13/2008 8:15:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: CruelDesires My idea of M/s and D/s is that someone desires and NEEDS control of another person. To achieve that control, one must communicate and have contact constantly with the slave or submissive in question. At best that shows me that the D in question is lackadaisical or uncaring about the relationship. At worst, it shows that the D is cheating or having a hidden affair on his vanilla significant other. Personally, I do not see why the s-type would put up with that type of behavior either way. YMMV I couldn't disagree with this post more.... The key part is the idea of Constant communication that to me is impossible. The important part is Effective communication in a relationship... but no communication is constantly occuring. I have wonderful effective communication with my girls... but I sure wasn't talking to them when I was up in the North Western Territories for three days.

KatyLied -> RE: Communicating with the slave or lack there of (9/13/2008 8:35:27 AM)
quote: but I sure wasn't talking to them when I was up in the North Western Territories for three days. Bad Master! [;)]

impishlilhellcat -> RE: Communicating with the slave or lack there of (9/13/2008 9:00:40 AM)
Speaking from my submissive side I have to say that the worst sort of thing that could happen to me is lack of contact and yes it would shake my ass right into shape if I was misbehaving if used as a punishment. Pain as punishment is not affective at for me, because I enjoy it so much. However if someone didn't have time to contact me on a regular basis or just with held contact say just because, and I'm pretty independent so it varies how long going without contact would be and the distance between us and the dynamic of the relationship, the D/s relationship itself would lose all dynamics for me and become inaffective and/or useless. Really what would be the point if we weren't communicating. But then again I'm a big advocate for communication. Don't get me wrong I don't need constant communication and as I said before all of what I said is based on the dynamics of the relationship, distance between us, and just general circumstances (i.e. work, family situations, etc). Every situation differs and requires different allowances. On the flip side of the coin there have been in the past people where communication once a week, once a month, or even once a few months was okay for me.

sujuguete -> RE: Communicating with the slave or lack there of (9/13/2008 9:14:15 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MercTech I have to disagree. I do contract work in remote areas. When on a contract I'm often working 12 hours a day for 6 days a week. Cell service can be very spotty and internet requiring driving somewhere. Those in my life understand that when off refilling the bank account, I'm focused and can go several days without contact. But, I CAN be contacted in a valid emergency. Working a 12 hour shift with prep, drive, and destress time added leaves very very little left over for any interaction. Yes, communication is a key thing. Each in a relationship has to understand the needs of the other and know if they can fulfill them. Those that share my life are ones able to function without daily interaction in favor of the intense days together when I'm not on contract. BTW, few things are more exhausting to a relationship than being distracted from work by multiple daily phone calls with manufactured crises that could surely have waited for after work to discuss. Stefan Stefan, I think the main difference is that your sub/slave would know exactly why the communication wasn't happening, and when exactly to expect communication to resume. It is when the lack of communication is unexplained and open-ended that it becomes an issue.

mzbehavin -> RE: Communicating with the slave or lack there of (9/13/2008 9:32:31 AM)
Non-communication is just mean. Yes i understand it can be used as a training tool. However, for someone like me, it is very innefective and only results in further destruction of the relationship. Were it explained before hand, what i did wrong, how long this would last, then i would deal with it and learn my lesson. But all that MIA, now you see me now you dont crap, is ridiculous. Speak your truths or move on. To leave someone hanging for extended lengths of time with no contact, and no reason, is beyond cruel. Perhaps there are those who enjoy mental and emotional sadism.. giving and recieving. Me? Not so much. Punish my body, i will yield. Punish my heart, and i will disconnect.

KnightofMists -> RE: Communicating with the slave or lack there of (9/13/2008 10:34:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sujuguete . It is when the lack of communication is unexplained and open-ended that it becomes an issue. exactly

KnightofMists -> RE: Communicating with the slave or lack there of (9/13/2008 10:35:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KatyLied Bad Master! [;)] oh baby, you have no idea

ElanSubdued -> RE: Communicating with the slave or lack there of (9/14/2008 4:28:26 PM)
MasterAramis, I've read the various responses to your OP. Given that this is the Ask A Master forum, perhaps it should be no surprise that there are few (if any) responses from male submissives, at least not from the point of view of lacking communication from their Domme and/or being abandoned by their Domme. Thus, I've decided to join in so as to give a male submissive's perspective. Your question is framed in the context of a "collared slave", however, while the experience I'm thinking of isn't from this identical perspective, I think it's still relevant. Before discussing my experience, I'll share my thoughts on your questions directly. As follows: --- How long would you go without --- intentionally communicating to an --- s-type? While it may be tempting to use lack of communication as a training tool, I think the negatives far outweigh the positives and thus I strongly recommend against this. I prefer to communicate with my Domme every day. Now of course, life things happen and sometimes daily communication isn't possible. For example, if my Domme goes away on a business seminar, I perfectly understand that we may not be able to communicate for a while and that's fine. The key here is that there is context and explanation. Were my dominant simply to disappear without explanation (something that has happened to me), I find this very, very confusing, thoughtless, and rude. Why? Because it leaves me with no idea of what is going on. Is my Domme sick? Has she been in an accident? When will we talk again? Do I need to start checking police stations and hospitals to see if my Domme has been admitted? Apart from concern for my Domme's welfare, I become concerned for my own welfare too. Have I been dumped? Am I being punished and if so, what for? How can I remedy a situation when I don't know what the problem is? And on an on. An effective leader communicates expectations clearly, conducts reviews to ensure things are going as planned or as desired, and generally checks in so as to keep things running smoothly. None of this happens without communication. It has been my experience that when communication stops and remains MIA (missing in action) for long periods, issues that were not problems can become problems and small, existing issues can become much, much larger problems. Let's take the training/punishment scenario you've suggested. The problem with cutting off communication for any length of time is that it doesn't allow for any feedback. People change. Situations change. Feelings and emotions change. Without feedback, a Dominant and s-type are flying blind and cannot use any of this information to help remedy whatever problem is present. Now I hope you'll pardon me because I'm going to get all bitchy and simultaneously pragmatic for a moment. I've got better things to do with my time than to continuously second guess a leader. I'm not a mind reader. Without communication, it's very difficult to serve someone and to meet their needs. Likewise, it's pretty much impossible for a Domme to meet my needs if she won't communicate with me. (Yes, s-types have needs, desires, and emotions too.) There are instances when people need time to process their feelings, to time-out, to research a topic or ask for other opinions, etc. This is something entirely different and it works very well when a Domme says "I need some time to think; I'll talk to you about this later" and then actually follows up later. That is taking command and giving leadership. But no communication at all? That's problematic because nobody knows the plan (well, maybe the Domme does, but the s-type sure doesn't) and this makes it very difficult to obtain a smooth running ship. I'm a strong enough personality that if a Domme leaves our "ship" directionless for long enough that it meanders dangerously into rocks, I'll take the helm. And indeed, at this point, it may be difficult for the Domme to get the helm back because she's proven incapable when needed most. I do realize that all people make mistakes and have moments where human weaknesses overtake them. I'm not expecting a Domme to be perfect and I'm certainly not expecting her to be without vulnerabilities. However, if a Domme continuously (through lack of communication and otherwise) leaves me to steer the ship, at some point I'll lose confidence in them. --- What is the purpose of --- not communicating? When a Domme has done this to me, the purpose has sometimes been punishment. Other times the cause has been indecision on her part or just plain poor communication skills. Other than a time-out (for scheduling reasons or because of the need to reconsider facts and emotions), I see no value in communication blackouts. In my experience, communication blackouts have always created more problems while solving none of the existing issues. --- Would it serve an educational --- or punishment purpose? I suppose a lack of communication could serve either purpose, educational or punishment oriented. In either case, in my opinion, such an approach is highly ineffective and is also sometimes the catalyst of a significant breakdown in a relationship. --- I have come to understand that this --- might be more normal than I would --- have believed so I am trying to get my --- head around its use as a tool to train --- a slave. I hope Dominants and Dommes alike never consider this type of approach a normal, desirable training method. If anything would scare me enough to seek refuge away from BDSM, back in the vanilla world, this would do it. Okay. Now that your questions are addressed, I'll add some feedback from personal experience. I courted a Domme who regularly used communication blackouts as her punishment, training, and general communication approach. This caused many problems. When I didn't hear from her, I never knew if she was in trouble, I'd done something wrong, or she was just putting me "on the shelf" for a while. Making plans, confirming tasks, and enjoying one another became extremely difficult. Often she'd disappear for a week, or two, or three without any explanation. Each time we connected again, it tended to be a last minute thing (such as late in the evening) and thus our conversations always felt like they had time restrictions on them. After each hiatus, the Domme seemed very pleased to talk and yet it felt as though we'd put our courtship on hold and abruptly resumed. To her, there was no problem, and she explained that part of her style is taking breaks from communicating with people - any people. For me, not having any warning or explanation from her as this was happening, I was constantly without leadership, alone, and in the dark as to whether the Domme wanted anything from me at all. After a few missteps (ironically or perhaps rather fittingly, each one triggered by lack of communication), we split up and then got back together. Finally, one morning I woke up and said to myself "Elan, you deserve better than this". My friends had been saying these same words to me for quite some time, but it took a bit for me to arrive at the same conclusion. Thus, in the final go around, I ended the courtship permanently, leaving no doubt that there would not be another attempt. I figured that if I was going to be alone all the time, I might as well be alone and single. This is the best decision I made about the courtship because unlike romances that fizzle in disappointing ways, I was extremely happy to be free of this whole thing. Getting back to your questions again, the whole "punish your s-type by refusing to talk to them" approach seems counterproductive and abusive to me. In fact, even the punishment notion seems a bit silly. If I've done something wrong, what I need is my Domme to communicate this to me so that I know there is a problem, so that I know what corrections they'd like, and so I can apologize and make amends. None of can happens without communication. Displeasing my partner is punishment enough (believe me). I don't need a spanking... or communication bans... or other punishments to get the message through. Just my Domme saying "I'm not happy about this, I'd like you to do..." is plenty a reminder and punishment enough. Elan.

KnightofMists -> RE: Communicating with the slave or lack there of (9/14/2008 5:13:03 PM)
well stated opinion and feelings Elan... I enjoyed reading what you shared. Granted it is from your perspective and experience... which is very important in understanding for any Domme that would be interested in you. However, you do present some common failings that many who attempt to use this particular tool. This approach in my opinion shouldn't be the norm... but neither should someone just disregard the tool either. It is a tool that is not easy to use effectively... but it is an easy tool to try and use. This is the danger of this particular approach... it's so easy to use.... and the results are not so easy to achieve without skillful use of the tool. In fact, I would suggest that in most cases when a person takes this approach.. there are countless other ways to acheive the desired results with approaches that require significantly less effort and skill to be successful. I think the trap for some Dominants is that it's apparent effort is less than other approaches. But as you pointed out... the approach actually results in the long run that greater efforts to be exerted to to the problematic effects of such approach when the tool is used ineffectively. right tool used skillfully for the right job!... this an approach that few do well and do far more than needs to be done.

BrokenSaint -> RE: Communicating with the slave or lack there of (9/15/2008 6:02:00 AM)
Personally? A day or two at most really. Not only would I feel like I was walking the line with abandoment, but I tend to be ridiculously social with people I consider mine so to speak. More than a day or two would just be kind of treading the realm of why punish myself?

DesFIP -> RE: Communicating with the slave or lack there of (9/15/2008 8:46:35 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MercTech I have to disagree. I do contract work in remote areas. When on a contract I'm often working 12 hours a day for 6 days a week. Cell service can be very spotty and internet requiring driving somewhere. Those in my life understand that when off refilling the bank account, I'm focused and can go several days without contact. But, I CAN be contacted in a valid emergency. Working a 12 hour shift with prep, drive, and destress time added leaves very very little left over for any interaction. Yes, communication is a key thing. Each in a relationship has to understand the needs of the other and know if they can fulfill them. Those that share my life are ones able to function without daily interaction in favor of the intense days together when I'm not on contract. BTW, few things are more exhausting to a relationship than being distracted from work by multiple daily phone calls with manufactured crises that could surely have waited for after work to discuss. Stefan There's a difference from manufacturing crises to saying that you can't text good morning before you leave for your 12 hour shift, or calling to say goodnight when you return. You may be unavailable from 7 to 7, but you can call at 6:30 and 7:30 for example. Most of us would be fine with waiting for a good night call. What isn't fine is being told we are so far down on your list of priorities that although you do have the chance to communicate twice daily, you won't for days at a time until you need a booty call.

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