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is jealousy normal? - 9/5/2008 2:05:30 AM

zigzagzarf

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im sure this is probably covered in here already but its 5 am and i really don't wanna look...

me and my sub have talked for months about going poly and getting her a sister sub..amazingly this was her idea i just wanted a 3some...anyway we been looking for almost a year now...we have found a great girl we are just in the start of getting to know each other and theres some distance involved...i found the girl and for a few weeks it was just me and her talking...her and my sub are becoming fast friends they get along great we all do...my issue is i feel jealous at times when there talking alone...we all text and now there texting each other...is it normal to feel jealous about being left out?...any ideas on getting over it?

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RE: is jealousy normal? - 9/5/2008 2:54:13 AM

ShiftedJewel

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I don't know about normal, some say it is, some say it isn't.... define "normal"? lol

I think you nailed it though when you said "being left out". You aren't jealous about their budding relationship, your upset because suddenly you aren't the center of the universe. I'm really not trying to be a bitch, I've been there and recognize it. That's one of the toughest things to deal with in a poly relationship. It suddenly dawns on you that you are no longer the only other person in the group, that your partner now has another person they can and will spend time with. You are no longer the center of their universe. My suggestion is that you don't hover, you don't inquire about what it is they are talking about and you don't horn in. Find something that will occupy you for a while, if either of them wants to bring up what they talked about be open to listening but don't push or pump for info. It's a fine line, you should be interested, definately, just not nosey. Keep in mind that when you spend time with one the other will be feeling "left out" as well, so here is your chance to lead by example.

Like you said, it's early and I can only hope I made some sense.

Jewel

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RE: is jealousy normal? - 9/5/2008 4:43:47 AM

chamberqueen

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I read a great article about this when I first looking into the poly lifestyle. It pointed out that almost everyone feels jealousy at some point - the trick is what you do with it. It can either fester and grow, or you can accept the feeling and move on.

It also gave some basic guidelines for the members in the relationship to agree upon that can help. These would include such things as two never speaking badly of the third, two never ganging up on one (it is one thing to have a democratic vote on what you want for dinner, for instance, but not for two to try to lay down the rules to the third), discussion of any hierarchy (if there is to be an alpha sub, for example), and having regular open discussion times where feelings can be listened to calmly.

You each play a different role in each other's lives, and all of you are important. The bonds are just slightly different between the players. Being the Dom, it is very easy for you to simply say, "I need some special attention". Your role actually makes it much easier to make sure that you get your needs met, whereas the sub that lives at a distance may get most of hers met only through conversation.

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RE: is jealousy normal? - 9/5/2008 6:01:02 AM

CallaFirestormBW

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I don't know that I'd say that jealousy is "normal", after all, what -is- "normal"? I would say, though, that jealousy is common.

Jealousy is really a kind of fear. It is a fear that someone is going to take away something that a person sees as hirs, or that something that a person values is going to be damaged by another. It is a fear of not having 'enough', or being forced to "make do" with a "hand-me-down" while everyone else gets something new.

Jealousy is a fear based around the concepts of lack and not enough. I think that people who see the world as abundant, and as being capable of meeting their needs don't suffer as much from jealousy. That occasional burst of fear wells up, but the person whose perceptions are focused on the abundant universe worries less that something will be taken away from hir, and is better able to integrate into situations where xhe is not the 'only'.

We live in a very materialistic, very acquisitive culture. Because of this, I think that our modern, capitalistic cultures make it difficult to face the challenge of a communal way of life. Honestly, we don't share well -- not just where other people and emotional ties are concerned, but in general... we, as a culture, are really focused on the idea of "what's mine is -mine-." Poly really requires a different kind of mindset, where sharing and integration, and welcoming supersede fear and possessiveness. Since our entire culture teaches much different lessons, and compounds the feelings of lack and loss with news stories about failing economies, people losing everything, death, destruction, pain, and the screwed up celebrity love life, it sometimes amazes me that there are as many successful poly relationships as there are.

Calla Firestorm

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RE: is jealousy normal? - 9/5/2008 6:55:46 AM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: zigzagzarf

...is it normal to feel jealous about being left out?...any ideas on getting over it?

Is this jealousy?

jealousy is a fear of losing what you have

Envy... is the desire to have what is not yours.

So........ is their time yours? are you actually fearful of losing something.... or you just envious of the time they are spending to together and want to be a part of it?

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RE: is jealousy normal? - 9/5/2008 7:08:09 AM

Icarys

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Yes it is a normal human reaction. I think it's actually healthy to a degree. If it's a mild twinge and you don't over react to it, it's fine. If you notice that it's growing, then i would take heed. Another thing that would be good is to talk to your female.

Nobody has went through life and not felt it..it's from fear like someone else has posted and may show a mild(depending on how bad it is) insecurity.(which again everyone has about something, otherwise we'd just be peachy)

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RE: is jealousy normal? - 9/5/2008 7:11:00 AM

colouredin

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Jealousy is such an overblown emotion its no more or less important than any other in the grand scheme of things we have to not allow it to control or govern who we are and what we do, best advice is to feel it and then let it go, if there is something that could be positivly changed and thats the reason you are jealous then cool do it, maybe its just irrational which is more common in which case dont worry about it.

I dont get jealous all that often to be honest for me poly is about finding people who fit in and are good for differant areas, one may love the same books as me one may like the same films one may not be cuddly one may, thats the point so you cant feel jealous its differant and everyone 'gives' something differant to everyone else

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RE: is jealousy normal? - 9/6/2008 9:36:19 PM

Dikini

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This girl totally agrees with Colouredin and would say the same. Jealously is an over blown emotion, if allowed to get out of hand can ruin that fine thread of a relationship that was woven so delicately. This girl has not experienced jealously to this date, this girl gets off on seeing lovers love, and to be allowed to experience that love together is so totally sacred. All acts of love please this girl, as the Goddess flows through...

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RE: is jealousy normal? - 9/7/2008 5:19:48 PM

Tetron

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Many good points have been made above the only change I would have made was to look rather deeply into yourself on this one. Ask yourself why does it bother me that she is texting another, and do not let yourself anwser that question with an easy reply of i am jelous, look for the root cause of that jelousy, once you find it, you will realize it is ridiculous and then find that the jelousy is gone. Humans in general are jelous only when feeling threated in some way, once you realize there is no threat that feeling will go away. One of the best ways for you to accomlish this which just occured to me now, is to get the two of them together, and tell them you noticed they were texting quite abit and that you approve of them doing so as it will help strengthen the relationship among all of you quite well, not only might you impress them for being so understanding (yeah i know but take credit when it comes) you will realize that having said this you actually do, and that once everyone realizes actively whats going on the jelousy will go away.

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